He's in love, and I feel heartbroken

MsH2O

New member
I have no other support network or anyone I feel safe discussing this with, so you lovely folks are it. (Bunch of luckies. Clearly)

I recognize I'm falling into mono tropes of love and connection and such (i.e. there can be ONLY ONE and ONE FOREVRRR), but I'm crying alot and can't seem to shake the feelings of sadness.

Logically, of course I know he can have close loving relationships and it not take away anything from ours. It's just not feeling that way despite my old tricks and thought processes that usually get me through. Granted, this one is newer and closer than others may have been, and I felt a bit like he wasn't completely clear about his feelings for her (I told him this, we've discussed it. He feels he was clear. Naturally.) No, he hasn't done anything egregious. They've been dating for 8 months.

Anyway, just a vent I suppose. Logic and knowledge and skills are difficult to find and engage today. Typically try to do art, write, talk to others/friends. It's difficult to do those things every day, sooooo...yeah. skills. Or lack thereof.

Thanks for listening/reading!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle with it today. I hope you feel a bit better for airing out some.

From your last thread... were you ever able to get more rest and stop spreading self so thin? Do more things for you and stop hanging out with metas so often? Find a better balance between you being an introvert and him being extra extra extrovert?

I have that numb or don't care feeling but I'm honestly not sure I'd that's because I'm just not letting myself think too deeply.

Did you ever figure out what behavior(s) lead to the "feeling numb" or "not caring" thing?

Or why don't you want to think more deeply? Why are you keeping things "surface?"

I don't think I'm monogamous, and my husband is very securely and happily poly. He has 2 longer term and close relationships with 2 other women and often has looser connections as well (friends with bennies or short term connections. 3 of those, more or less, lately).

I'm not clear on this from your other thread.

How many partners is this for him now?
  • 1 wife (you)
  • 2 long term girlfriends he sees regularly (Is this 8 mos relationship one of the two long term ones? How long is the other one?)
  • 2 close relationships with 2 more women that he sees semi regular. (How long are these?)
  • 3 FWBs (How long are these?)
Or maybe "He has 2 longer term and close relationships with 2 other women" is not 4 people but 2? So it is 5 partners?

Maybe you feel like you are getting lost in the crowd? Like you don't have to be strictly monogamous. You can feel special being 1 of 2 or 1 of 3 or something smaller like that. But 1 of 5 or 1 out of 8 starts to feel less special?

Or maybe like a sense of loss, if this 8 month old one is the longest one yet?

Or maybe like... if he were your BF, you could be ok with this arrangement. But you expect more time and attention from a spouse person? Like he's not doing anything wrong. It's just not the amount of time/attention you want from a spouse person?

I think you are the only one who can do your soul searching and try to figure out what's going on with you on the inside. With or without the help of a poly counselor.

But I do hope it gets better over time.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi MsHMC2,

It is hard when the one that you love, loves someone else. Not that your husband has done anything wrong per se, it is just hard watching him share affection with S2 and know that they are in love with each other and are sharing that too. Maybe you're even afraid (on some level) that he will replace you (with her). These are some of the things that people go through when their spouse falls in love with someone else. Have you talked with your husband (W) about how you're feeling? What does he say?

Tough situation. Hang in there.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 

Alluvion

Member
I had similar emotions a few years ago when my spouse fell in love. It can be hard to see someone you’re in a relationship experience NRE (new relationship energy) or fall in love, especially the first time.

I hope things improve for you soon. They did for me as time passed and things settled down.
 
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