Hi from CT

Z

Zencat

New member
I am new here. I have been relationship ambiguous most of my life.

I have loved both men a d women but am primarily attracted to men. I have had sexless intimate relationships and I have had intensely sexual relationships. I have found bliss in both. My default most of my life has been I prefer dance to sex and I want to be around people who know the difference. Basically dance, massage, a good flirt does not equal consent to anything else.

I am in a relationship with half of a messed up partnership at the moment. Semi kicking myself for refusing to make an ultimatum when one was requested.

My normal MO is leave if unsure so not sure why this time I have choosen stay.

She told my partner to get a girl friend but I don't think she meant fall in love. She was supposed to be the only one allowed to fall in love outside of the relationship. I have never and will never be a convinient way to occupy time.
 
Hi and welcome, Zencat (cool nickname)

So, your metamour told your hinge partner to get a girlfriend, but didn't actually prepare herself for the possibility that your hinge partner might develop feelings for what was then an imaginary person. Now you're real, your hinge partner and you have developed feelings for one another, and she's feeling insecure.

Have I got it about right?

Honestly, in your shoes, I'd be a bit of a sympathetic ear to your hinge partner but also tell them that they have to manage that side of their relationships effectively and without it becoming your problem to solve. You have every right to have a romantic and intimate (emotionally as well as anything else) relationship with your partner and if she is actively interfering with that, then it's actually your hinge that needs to learn some skills to not let it overflow onto your quality time together.

All the best with everyone's upskilling.
 
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well staying shows that your feelings are strong and that somewhere inside you believe that there is a chance. Perhaps showing her that love is not always an end all it can be a door a beginning and that your love can be offered if she is will to take you up on it. People who are guarded are sometimes just scared perhaps she found this outside love as a backup because she is afraid of being alone and that with you or anyone really she could lose a loved one. Really I'm just spit balling here but I have seen insecure people latch on to multiple people simply because of their fear of being alone maybe try and explain that you are not there to take but to give ?
 
Greetings Zencat,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You sound like you are in an uncomfortable relationship. But, for whatever reasons, you have chosen to stay. I gather from your profile posts that she (your metamour) was the first to identify as poly (after cheating on her husband who, if I follow your narrative right, is now your partner). So now she has a policy that she may fall in love outside their marriage, but her husband may not. Totally unfair. So now her husband has broken the rule, and fallen in love with you. It all sounds very messy, no wonder if you are questioning if this is the right relationship for you.

I hope Polyamory.com can help you sort things out. Sometimes it helps just to vent, especially if your venting will be received by sympathetic ears. You will find those ears here. Hang in there, and keep us posted.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Evie said:
Hi and welcome, Zencat (cool nickname)

So, your metamour told your hinge partner to get a girlfriend, but didn't actually prepare herself for the possibility that your hinge partner might develop feelings for what was then and imaginary person. Now you're real, your hinge party and you have developed feelings for one another, and she's feeling insecure.

Have I got it about right?

Honestly, in your shoes, I'd be a bit of a sympathetic ear to your hinge partner but also tell them that they have to manage that side of their relationships effectively and without it becoming your problem to solve. You have every right to have a romantic and intimate (emotionally as well as anything else) relationship with your partner and if she is actively interfering with that, then it's actually your hinge that needs to learn some skills to not let it overflow onto your quality time together.

All the best with everyone's upskilling.
Click to expand...
Thanks. That is slowly what I am coming to. Having to learn not to take on her story of me as my story of me and having to learn to set boundaries. For awhile I was splitting myself into partner and friend.
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings Zencat,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You sound like you are in an uncomfortable relationship. But, for whatever reasons, you have chosen to stay. I gather from your profile posts that she (your metamour) was the first to identify as poly (after cheating on her husband who, if I follow your narrative right, is now your partner). So now she has a policy that she may fall in love outside their marriage, but her husband may not. Totally unfair. So now her husband has broken the rule, and fallen in love with you. It all sounds very messy, no wonder if you are questioning if this is the right relationship for you.

I hope Polyamory.com can help you sort things out. Sometimes it helps just to vent, especially if your venting will be received by sympathetic ears. You will find those ears here. Hang in there, and keep us posted.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Click to expand...
Thanks. Her exact words to him recently were "I should be enough" I had hoped we would be friends, but my relationship is with him and he is a childhood friend, so walking away is hard.
That said I worked long and hard to be OK on my own. Right now I am in a stage of drifting towards my status quo "I am going to do me. You want to be there for it great." If I were to leave us it would be to enjoy life on my own again.
 
Zencat said:
Thanks. That is slowly what I am coming to. Having to learn not to take on her story of me as my story of me and having to learn to set boundaries. For awhile I was splitting myself into partner and friend.
Click to expand...
By the way thanks for the nickname complement. There is a story associated with it related to the Namika song Koole Katze
 
Re (from Zencat):
"I am going to do me. You want to be there for it great."
Click to expand...

That is a truly good attitude to have. Hopefully he will be willing to continue to share the journey with you.
 
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