Hi from Denmark - looking forward to learn more

[Sara the frisky viking]

Hi there,

I’m Sara. I’ve been living in a monogam-ish relationship with my husband over two decades. We’ve never actually lived fully poly, but in recent years we’ve come to realize that several of the relationships we had early on with others, while starting off as purely sexual, turned into more romantic entanglements. Since this realization we’ve been very interested in poly lifestyles and how you can do that in practice. We’ve had relationships since that could turn into a throuble type deal, but so far it’s been close but no cigar.
So really, I’m here to learn and see how we might take this further - both individually and as a couple.

So yeah - looking forward to learning from all of you 😊

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Sara,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It is really cool that you have been monogamish, and are now considering polyamory. The basics are pretty simple, you take an open stance towards multiple romantic connections, after that you deal with the more complex things, such as jealousy and scheduling. I think you will find that the folks here are pretty helpful with the details, the Poly Relationships Corner is a good place to post for that. Welcome and I hope you enjoy your stay!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi there,

Welcome, Viking!

I’m Sara. I’ve been living in a monogamish relationship with my husband over two decades. We’ve never actually lived fully poly, but in recent years we’ve come to realize that several of the relationships we had early on with others, while starting off as purely sexual, turned into more romantic entanglements. Since this realization we’ve been very interested in poly lifestyles and how you can do that in practice. We’ve had relationships since that could turn into a throuble type deal, but so far it’s been close but no cigar.

Just a note: many poly people think the term throuple (it's throuple, not throuble) is trying to be cutesy by clinging to the mono norm of "couple." The preferred term is triad. That said, triads rarely work out long-term, as you know. Vs are quite common and can last decades, however.

Many new to poly couples think they are "adding a third" to "their marriage/relationship," but they are not. They are forming new relationships. Their old mono relationship (if they had one) is dead. Their new poly relationship is forming. Each member of this original couple then needs to form a relationship with a new person or people. Maybe they will be able to share a HBB (hot bi babe)! That is the hope, but it rarely works out. The HBB is a unicorn, a rare mythological beast. She will almost always prefer one member of the couple over the other. Or one member of the couple will fall out of lust for her, or be incompatible, while the other member might still like/lust for/love her. Then what? Does she get vetoed, or can the new relationship continue?

That is why Vs are more realistic. I currently know a young woman who hit on my bf hoping that she could date both of us. He told her we aren't a package deal. She is still holding out hope to find a premade couple with whom she can enjoy a balanced threeway relationship. She has tried and failed with other couples. I hope she faces reality some day. (Meanwhile she and my bf are just friends/activity partners, and that's fine.)

So really, I’m here to learn and see how we might take this further - both individually and as a couple.

So yeah - looking forward to learning from all of you 😊

Have you read any books on the topic, or are you starting your blog from scratch, from your own experiences? I recommend Opening Up by Taormino, if you can get it where you are.

 

[Sara the frisky viking]

Welcome, Viking!

Just a note: many poly people think the term throuple (it's throuple, not throuble) is trying to be cutesy by clinging to the mono norm of "couple." The preferred term is triad. That said, triads rarely work out long-term, as you know. Vs are quite common and can last decades, however.

Many new to poly couples think they are "adding a third" to "their marriage/relationship," but they are not. They are forming new relationships. Their old mono relationship (if they had one) is dead. Their new poly relationship is forming. Each member of this original couple then needs to form a relationship with a new person or people. Maybe they will be able to share a HBB (hot bi babe)! That is the hope, but it rarely works out. The HBB is a unicorn, a rare mythological beast. She will almost always prefer one member of the couple over the other. Or one member of the couple will fall out of lust for her, or be incompatible, while the other member might still like/lust for/love her. Then what? Does she get vetoed, or can the new relationship continue?

That is why Vs are more realistic. I currently know a young woman who hit on my bf hoping that she could date both of us. He told her we aren't a package deal. She is still holding out hope to find a premade couple with whom she can enjoy a balanced threeway relationship. She has tried and failed with other couples. I hope she faces reality some day. (Meanwhile she and my bf are just friends/activity partners, and that's fine.)

Have you read any books on the topic, or are you starting your blog from scratch, from your own experiences? I recommend Opening Up by Taormino, if you can get it where you are.

Hi Magdlyn,

Thanks for the suggestion. Most of what I write about is based on my own experiences and the experiences of friends and acquaintances. But as you rightly surmised it’s severely lacking in real sustainable poly examples. The “throuble” thing was just a typo, but I wasn’t aware of the triad term. It makes sense, so as to not imply power imbalance. What’s the difference between a triad and a V exactly? Is it just the primary/secondary dynamic vs equal footing?

I’ve read some material, e.g., The Ethical Slut. But nothing specific to poly. So thanks for the suggestion. I’ll give that a look 😊

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Sara,

A triad is three people who are all three romantically involved with each other. Whereas, in a V, there is one person (the hinge) who is romantically involved with the other two -- while the other two (the legs) are not romantically involved with each other.

Hopefully that helps to clear that up.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi Magdlyn,

Thanks for the suggestion. Most of what I write about is based on my own experiences and the experiences of friends and acquaintances. But as you rightly surmised it’s severely lacking in real sustainable poly examples. The “throuble” thing was just a typo, but I wasn’t aware of the triad term. It makes sense, so as to not imply power imbalance.

Throuple is a funny haha term that mainstream people like to joke about.

What’s the difference between a triad and a V exactly? Is it just the primary/secondary dynamic vs equal footing?

It has nothing to do with primary or secondary status. I don't know, but haven't you and your husband played with woman or man as a threesome, and one of you is really into them, while the other isn't? That's the problem with ongoing threesome sex, but it can be disastrous in polyamory.

If you really like a shared sex partner, and want to take it to the next level, polyamory, but your husband isn't into this person, or this person isn't into him, then you and New Person can carry on and date each other, without your husband being involved. He might continue to be platonic friends with this person (kitchen table poly), or if they really don't care for each other, you can do parallel poly, where your 2 partners rarely, if ever, meet, and are just basically polite when their paths happen to briefly cross.

Some polyamorists do hierarchical polyamory, where their first, nesting, partner always comes first. Others are open to non-hierarchical poly, where there is the possibility that a new partner may eventually also become a fully equal partner. They may or may not live with the original couple. In my case, my nesting partner Pixi spends 3 days a week at her bf's house, and 4 with me at our house. She pays rent here. Her bf Malachi doesn't have any other partners and does not want one. Pixi and I are not married. Malachi has not told his family, who live a ways away, that Pixi also has another partner, that she's poly. But basically, Malachi and I are both fully invested in Pixi.

I also have a bf of shorter duration, Aries. He and I are very invested in each other's lives too, and he says he wants to be with me forever. Although he lives elsewhere, in my town, he spends every weekend at my house, while Pixi is at Malachi's.

I’ve read some material, e.g., The Ethical Slut. But nothing specific to poly. So thanks for the suggestion. I’ll give that a look 😊

Opening Up covers all the bases. There is no need to reinvent the wheel.