Hi, I messed up.

Sosna

New member
Hi everyone, I’m 30 years old woman
I never thought I would be in situation like this.

I am with my partner M (32, male) in a ten-year relationship. We love each other and there is no discussion about it.

A few years ago we met our friend D (30, male) with whom we have a great relationship. With time, due to various circumstances, we moved in with each other. We created something that reminded us of a small family, and I realized that I felt something more than just friendship towards our roommate. I will fall in love with D while loving M. It lasted for several years, I didn’t tell anyone about it, I decided it was an episode. I kept it inside myself. D had a few girlfriends in the meantime, and Mand I were having a good time and I was happy.

A few months ago it turned out that we had to move out of our apartment. The three of us will fall apart. And it wouldn't be that bad in the end, but a month ago, after a party, when I was drunk, I told D the truth. He has felt the same for several years. And he knew I was unavailable because I was his best friend's girlfriend.

I feel terrible, I feel like I'm cheating on M, I love them both, and because D knows, our relationship has changed. I would like to tell M about all this, but I cannot. I'm afraid to lose him. I also suffer when I know that D is not doing well now either. I made a huge mistake and have no idea how to fix it. Wait? Live on as if nothing ever happened? I don’t know.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Sosna,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Going on living as if nothing ever happened, is certainly one of your options. What you can't do is turn back the clock. D now knows how you feel about him. He can't unknow that. So whatever you choose, it will be with the reality of what D knows, no matter what.

I think my advice would be to tell M what happened. M might be hurt or upset, but then he will also know that he can trust you to tell him the truth. This way, when you assure him that nothing has actually happened between you and D, he can believe you.

People fall in love. It happens. It even happens to monogamists. But you may want to ask yourself, at this time, how do you feel about polyamory? Is it something you would want to try in your life, if M would let you? You don't have to answer right now, just spend some time learning about polyamory, and let the answer come to you.

I hope you'll continue to read and post on this site. If you post in the Poly Relationships Corner section, you will get more responses, from a wider range of people. But you can of course keep posting on this intro thread as well. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
You aren't "bad" for having some crush. Who taught you this? Stop beating up on yourself.

I think could tell D you regret this drunk conversation and prefer to remain friends who say no more about it and just get on with life. And skip telling M. Because honestly what did you do that was cheating?
  • You had a quiet, undeclared crush on D for many years while he was your roomie. You kept it on the level and your thoughts to yourself.
  • You did not have a cheating affair with him under M's nose while all living together.
  • You feel sad. Things are changing and are going to miss the "little family" and probably the secret crush feelings. Because this episode or chapter of life is ending. Normal to feel that.

I mean, if you want to start sharing more of your inner life with M? You could tell M about it if you wanted to. But it doesn't have to be THIS MINUTE. It can wait a bit. I'm not sure why you aren't already doing that after being together for 10 years. But ok, you weren't, and maybe you want to work on that area more once you are past this sadness.

But you could def stop beating up on yourself over have a crush and accidentally telling D while drunk. One drunk slip up and that's the end of the world?

I'm not trying to be mean here. Just... have some perspective. Don't make mountains out of molehills. Maybe you resolve to keep better track of your drinking while at parties so no new drunk conversation slip ups happen.

Some people act like once you partner up monogamously it's "cheating" if you experience attraction or notice beauty in the world. The deal is "forsake all others" and not to pursue. The deal is not to gouge out your eyes and feel nothing ever and be dead. Jeez.

You aren't pursuing D. You are keeping your end of the deal. Right?

Maybe would have been better to vent/air out in another way rather than telling D about it, but trust in your in your friendship that you both get over the faux pas and just move on.

Let the chapter end. And be kinder to yourself.

Galagirl
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
I cannot add anything else to what @GalaGirl Has said, other than to reiterate that it is ok to let yourself off the hook, particuarly with this bit:
Some people act like once you partner up monogamously it's "cheating" if you experience attraction or notice beauty in the world. The deal is "forsake all others" and not to pursue. The deal is not to gouge out your eyes and feel nothing ever and be dead. Jeez.
You aren't pursuing D.

You are keeping your end of the deal. Right?

Maybe would have been better to vent/air out in another way rather than telling D about it, but trust in your in your friendship that you both get over the faux pas and just move on.



Wish for you peace. :)
 
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