Hi,
I apologize for the length of this introduction, but I wanted to share as much information as possible. Thank you for taking the time to read!!
I am new to the idea of Polyamory and have been with my husband for almost 15 years (married 8 years this October). We have 2 young kids and have a great relationship. Polyamory wasn't something I had ever considered up until about a year ago. I love my husband more than anything, but for years I always felt like something was missing. I always tried to chalk it up to maybe my husband wasn't giving me enough attention or I just wasn't happy with our relationship, but the truth was our relationship is great. Sure, it has its flaws just like everyone else's but nevertheless, there were never any real issues between the two of us. We have learned over the years to communicate effectively, and are still working on getting better at it and it has made our relationship that much better. But I couldn't help but feel this nagging in the back of my head that felt like I was still missing something.
My entire life, whenever I was in a relationship, I always found myself still checking out other people and fantasizing about what it would be like being in a relationship with them. (I know that crushes are still a part of life even when in a relationship, and that everyone looks as long as it's not acted upon.) But these feelings always faded pretty fast and I just went along my merry way enjoying life with whoever I had been dating at the time.
Until I met someone else. Up until now, I have not acted on my feelings or told anyone about them as I've been trying to figure out if it's something real and almost waiting for the feelings to pass like they had with the other crushes. But they don't seem to be going anywhere. Also, since meeting this person, that nagging feeling in the back of my head has completely disappeared. I don't look at other people the way I used to. I don't fantasize about strangers I pass on the street. Anyone I would have found attractive before I met this person, has no effect on me now. All I can think about is my husband and this other person.
I don't want to ruin the relationship with my husband if it's not something I'm actually interested in. But for the past year, the feelings have only grown stronger and I feel like I'm about to burst.
To start from the beginning, I met this person about a year ago. (The kicker: this person is my husbands coworker and they became best friends really quick after my husband started this job about a year and a half ago.) My husband's car broke down and we weren't able to replace or fix it, so his coworker was giving him rides to and from work everyday since he lived not far from us. One day, my husband invited his coworker over after work to play board games and that's when I met him.
The moment I met him, I felt this instant connection. I am typically a shy person. It takes me a long time to warm up to someone before I can openly have a conversation with them. But with him, it was different. I just felt so comfortable and was able to talk to him just like I could with my friends or family. There was just something about him that I couldn't put my finger on, but it was nice not having to have that awkward stage for the first time ever.
Over the last year, he has come to hang out at our house on multiple occasions, he has come over for our kids birthday parties and has gone to outings with us and our kids. My husband has even said, he considers his coworker a part of the family as he has a better relationship with him than he does with his other friends.
But I also get this sense that my husband's coworker may like me as well. I'm not saying I know for sure because as of now, I treat his coworker as a friend and don't give him any indication about my feelings. Over the past year, I've caught my husband's coworker checking me out when he thinks I'm not paying attention. He has played little pranks on me. He came over on Halloween last year to help us go trick or treating with our kids. My husband and his coworker brought their work bags to help carry the candy our kids collected whenever their buckets got too heavy. Whenever it was time to empty a bucket, my husbands coworker was usually the first one to get to me so I could empty a bucket. Around that same time, we took our kids to one of those pumpkin events, where they display thousands of carved pumpkins. The coworker came with us and during our walkthrough, my husband and I were corralling the kids and I always seemed to get lost in the crowd and left behind at times. My husband is the type to keep walking and realize a few minutes later that I'm not with him. (I can take care of myself and usually find my way back to him before he notices). But his coworker always noticed when I got far behind and waited for me and whichever kid I had at the time to catch up. By the time we got to the gift shop, I wasn't feeling great and stayed off to the side while our kids picked out a toy. My husbands coworker kept turning to check on me while he was helping my husband with the kids.
At the moment, we are in a hotel as our house is having a major repair done and the coworker has moved in with his sister for a short while after the house he was living in was sold. With that, I now take my husband to and from work every day and see the coworker on a daily basis, but he hasn't come to hang out in a while as there's just so much going on. But there was one day I pulled into the parking lot at my husbands work and was waiting for him to clock out, when I turned and noticed the coworker next to his car and just looking at me. He said he was waiting to see how long it would take me to notice he was there. We had a small conversation (his passenger side mirror had broken off in a small accident and I told him I was glad he was okay and to be careful when driving as it hadn't been fixed yet), and as soon as I told him to be careful he quickly ended the conversation and got in his car and left. Almost every day now, when we pull into the lot he is looking in our direction with a goofy face, and at first I thought he was doing it towards my husband, but now I'm wondering if he's doing it towards me.
I am terrible at reading expressions and body language and for all I know, my husbands coworker could just be a friendly/goofy person. Which makes this whole situation that much more confusing. But I can't help the thoughts that pop into my head about wanting to have a relationship with my husbands coworker. The thoughts I have about the two of them literally fill my brain all day long and it drives me crazy, especially when I don't even know if polyamory is something I definitely want or if its just a fantasy I am living in my head.
My husband has a long dating history (When he was in the dating realm, he dated whoever he was attracted to whether it be a guy or a girl, and age wasn't important. I mean that in the sense that he went for older not younger.)
I on the other hand, have only dated 3 people. The first boyfriend I had, was my shortest relationship, and I spent the entire two months wondering if he was going to rape me as he literally couldn't keep his hands to himself, even when I told him no. The second guy I dated, we were together for 3 years, and it ended rather abruptly and out of nowhere for me at least. Come to find out, he had been emotionally cheating on me with this girl he had met through his sister. Then came my husband and we've had a great relationship from the start.
I also don't know what my husbands coworker has for a dating past, but it sounds like he hasn't really had a relationship in a long time.
So for me to decipher if someone actually likes me is something that doesn't come easy.
But in the way of polyamory, I just need to know what it's like to actually be in this type of relationship. I need help deciding whether or not I should try to make this work or if it's something I should leave alone. I don't want to ruin my current relationship out of a fantasy that may not be real, or possibly destroy a friendship over nothing.
I am looking for any advice anyone can give me to help me decide if this is something I want, or if I need to try and let this go. What are the pros and cons of being in this type of relationship?
I apologize for the length of this introduction, but I wanted to share as much information as possible. Thank you for taking the time to read!!
I am new to the idea of Polyamory and have been with my husband for almost 15 years (married 8 years this October). We have 2 young kids and have a great relationship. Polyamory wasn't something I had ever considered up until about a year ago. I love my husband more than anything, but for years I always felt like something was missing. I always tried to chalk it up to maybe my husband wasn't giving me enough attention or I just wasn't happy with our relationship, but the truth was our relationship is great. Sure, it has its flaws just like everyone else's but nevertheless, there were never any real issues between the two of us. We have learned over the years to communicate effectively, and are still working on getting better at it and it has made our relationship that much better. But I couldn't help but feel this nagging in the back of my head that felt like I was still missing something.
My entire life, whenever I was in a relationship, I always found myself still checking out other people and fantasizing about what it would be like being in a relationship with them. (I know that crushes are still a part of life even when in a relationship, and that everyone looks as long as it's not acted upon.) But these feelings always faded pretty fast and I just went along my merry way enjoying life with whoever I had been dating at the time.
Until I met someone else. Up until now, I have not acted on my feelings or told anyone about them as I've been trying to figure out if it's something real and almost waiting for the feelings to pass like they had with the other crushes. But they don't seem to be going anywhere. Also, since meeting this person, that nagging feeling in the back of my head has completely disappeared. I don't look at other people the way I used to. I don't fantasize about strangers I pass on the street. Anyone I would have found attractive before I met this person, has no effect on me now. All I can think about is my husband and this other person.
I don't want to ruin the relationship with my husband if it's not something I'm actually interested in. But for the past year, the feelings have only grown stronger and I feel like I'm about to burst.
To start from the beginning, I met this person about a year ago. (The kicker: this person is my husbands coworker and they became best friends really quick after my husband started this job about a year and a half ago.) My husband's car broke down and we weren't able to replace or fix it, so his coworker was giving him rides to and from work everyday since he lived not far from us. One day, my husband invited his coworker over after work to play board games and that's when I met him.
The moment I met him, I felt this instant connection. I am typically a shy person. It takes me a long time to warm up to someone before I can openly have a conversation with them. But with him, it was different. I just felt so comfortable and was able to talk to him just like I could with my friends or family. There was just something about him that I couldn't put my finger on, but it was nice not having to have that awkward stage for the first time ever.
Over the last year, he has come to hang out at our house on multiple occasions, he has come over for our kids birthday parties and has gone to outings with us and our kids. My husband has even said, he considers his coworker a part of the family as he has a better relationship with him than he does with his other friends.
But I also get this sense that my husband's coworker may like me as well. I'm not saying I know for sure because as of now, I treat his coworker as a friend and don't give him any indication about my feelings. Over the past year, I've caught my husband's coworker checking me out when he thinks I'm not paying attention. He has played little pranks on me. He came over on Halloween last year to help us go trick or treating with our kids. My husband and his coworker brought their work bags to help carry the candy our kids collected whenever their buckets got too heavy. Whenever it was time to empty a bucket, my husbands coworker was usually the first one to get to me so I could empty a bucket. Around that same time, we took our kids to one of those pumpkin events, where they display thousands of carved pumpkins. The coworker came with us and during our walkthrough, my husband and I were corralling the kids and I always seemed to get lost in the crowd and left behind at times. My husband is the type to keep walking and realize a few minutes later that I'm not with him. (I can take care of myself and usually find my way back to him before he notices). But his coworker always noticed when I got far behind and waited for me and whichever kid I had at the time to catch up. By the time we got to the gift shop, I wasn't feeling great and stayed off to the side while our kids picked out a toy. My husbands coworker kept turning to check on me while he was helping my husband with the kids.
At the moment, we are in a hotel as our house is having a major repair done and the coworker has moved in with his sister for a short while after the house he was living in was sold. With that, I now take my husband to and from work every day and see the coworker on a daily basis, but he hasn't come to hang out in a while as there's just so much going on. But there was one day I pulled into the parking lot at my husbands work and was waiting for him to clock out, when I turned and noticed the coworker next to his car and just looking at me. He said he was waiting to see how long it would take me to notice he was there. We had a small conversation (his passenger side mirror had broken off in a small accident and I told him I was glad he was okay and to be careful when driving as it hadn't been fixed yet), and as soon as I told him to be careful he quickly ended the conversation and got in his car and left. Almost every day now, when we pull into the lot he is looking in our direction with a goofy face, and at first I thought he was doing it towards my husband, but now I'm wondering if he's doing it towards me.
I am terrible at reading expressions and body language and for all I know, my husbands coworker could just be a friendly/goofy person. Which makes this whole situation that much more confusing. But I can't help the thoughts that pop into my head about wanting to have a relationship with my husbands coworker. The thoughts I have about the two of them literally fill my brain all day long and it drives me crazy, especially when I don't even know if polyamory is something I definitely want or if its just a fantasy I am living in my head.
My husband has a long dating history (When he was in the dating realm, he dated whoever he was attracted to whether it be a guy or a girl, and age wasn't important. I mean that in the sense that he went for older not younger.)
I on the other hand, have only dated 3 people. The first boyfriend I had, was my shortest relationship, and I spent the entire two months wondering if he was going to rape me as he literally couldn't keep his hands to himself, even when I told him no. The second guy I dated, we were together for 3 years, and it ended rather abruptly and out of nowhere for me at least. Come to find out, he had been emotionally cheating on me with this girl he had met through his sister. Then came my husband and we've had a great relationship from the start.
I also don't know what my husbands coworker has for a dating past, but it sounds like he hasn't really had a relationship in a long time.
So for me to decipher if someone actually likes me is something that doesn't come easy.
But in the way of polyamory, I just need to know what it's like to actually be in this type of relationship. I need help deciding whether or not I should try to make this work or if it's something I should leave alone. I don't want to ruin my current relationship out of a fantasy that may not be real, or possibly destroy a friendship over nothing.
I am looking for any advice anyone can give me to help me decide if this is something I want, or if I need to try and let this go. What are the pros and cons of being in this type of relationship?
