Hi, need someone to talk to

J

jeofizz

New member
Hi everyone I'm Jeo. A 40 year old pan person. Pronouns them/they born male.

So I'll try and make this short and sweet. I have beenarried to an asexual/aromantic xis female for 17 years, we have a few kids but our marriage has been rough.

I finally broke down and told her what I need, and that I understood her, but I'm unhappy. We both love each very much, she loves me as a life partner, a father, and wants to stay with me. I feel that dame about her.

In the last year we've discussed polyamory.we want kind of a triad where we are all equal with no primary, but.my wife is definitely not interested in anything other than another equal life partner.

Longshore short I really would like to talk sto an experienced person about all of this.
 
I can tell you are frustrated. Sorry. That's not easy. But I'm not very clear on what you want here. Your wife is asexual and aromantic, but you want a triad? A triad means your wife would be in a relationship with someone you are also in a relationship with. Is that really what you mean? Does she want TWO equal life partners?

It sounds like you actually want to be able to see someone else for your romantic/sexual needs, but want that person to be equal to your wife. So, does that mean equal in YOUR eyes or hers? Or both? That's where I'm confused.

If you want an actual triad, those are hard. You are new to poly, and triads, as one of the people I follow on Twitter likes to say, is like the Olympics of poly. It's a huge jump, hard to pull off, and definitely not for beginners. If your wife is open to it (and you are), you'd be better served by solo dating, and if you find someone that might be a good fit, maybe introduce the idea to that person, and see how it goes. Others will probably fill in more details on why triads are so hard, but there are so many posts about this around here that you can find them. Just trust me....they are hard. I wouldn't even try it, and my wife and I have been ENM for 5 years (and poly in particular for part of that).
 
Greetings Jeo,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I would be happy to talk to you about poly, just let me know what your questions are. I will be traveling for the next five days, but after that I can talk with you. Good luck in this early stage of your journey into poly!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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Hey, jeofizz! I have been in similar shoes. It is hard, and can be tough to talk about. I'm glad you're reaching out and taking steps to make sure you're able to find the happiness you want.

I'm also curious about what you mean by a triad in this situation. What would your ideal situation look like for you? What about for your wife?

Mostly I just wanted to say hey and offer support if you want to chat with someone else in a simlar spot.
 
Maybe by "equal life partner" your wife means she wants to be very good platonic friends with whatever partner you find to fulfill your sexual/emotional needs. Some people want what is called "kitchen table poly," where all partners are friends with their partner's partner(s), and you can sit around the kitchen table and have a meal, or hang out, watch shows on TV, play games together or whatever.

Other people want parallel poly, where someone, say you, has a wife and a gf, but the gf is not interested in hanging out with your wife. She just wants to date you. And your wife does not particularly want a new friend, she is just willing to be polite when her path briefly crosses your gf's path.

Sometimes parallel poly can morph into more of a kitchen table scenario. My gf's bf is very introverted and I barely met him for literal years. I think it was 5 years before we occasionally started having dinners all together, and he started meeting Pixi's other friends, and my son, my dating partners, etc. And even more time passed before he told his family he was dating her!

If your wife insists, you can put on your dating profile (I recommend Feeld) that while you want a sex/love partner, your asexual wife wants KTP. Then your dating prospects would know upfront that they'd be welcome to hang out and be her friend too.

But the thing is, even if you don't really want a full triad, where everyone is deeply involved with everyone else, sexually and/or emotionally, it can be hard to proscribe this. You might want certain aspects in a partner, passion, vanilla interests, kinks, whatever, but there's never a guarantee your partner will like your wife or vice versa. Then you're looking as possibly granting your wife the power of vetoing anyone you start dating that she doesn't like! Which isn't really fair to you or your possible dating partners.
 
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