Hiding polyamory

[azurebonds]

Currently, I am hiding my second relationship from others, including family and friends. I’m not sure that I can ever expose the situation without receiving a lot of pushback. I’m most concerned about my in-laws, my work, and my church.

I am just looking for others’ experiences, and if they are open about poly or if they hide it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Ian,

I believe it's pretty common to keep one's polyness under wraps. My V is pretty much in the closet (just a few know), in most cases I am presented as a friend, or adopted family. Maybe someday we'll out ourselves to our families and coworkers, but it doesn't seem likely.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Have you tried using our search function? It's in the upper right corner of the screen (at least on a laptop). This is a universal problem with polyamorous folks, and there have been dozens of discussions about it over the years since this board began about 15 years ago. Just search for "coming out" and see what comes up.

 

[Evie]

I'm open to my parents and a variety of my family, but we hide it from my husband's mother. I'm open at work, but my husband doesn't discuss it at his work. I've had to hide it at a previous job.

So no blanket rule around here.

 

[Tinwen]

Currently, I am hiding my second relationship from others, including family and friends. I’m not sure that I can ever expose the situation without receiving a lot of pushback. I’m most concerned about my in-laws, my work, and my church.

I am just looking for others’ experiences, and if they are open about poly or if they hide it.

You moved Dawn in and you're in it for the long haul. I think you should be as open as possible and prepared for some pushback.
That doesn't mean you should go shout it out on the town square, but maybe you can let people find out on their own, then answer questions.

 

[MeeraReed]

How does Jess (your wife) feel about being more open about it? She's the one who has the right to decide how to present her marriage to her own parents (your in-laws).

Just from reading your blog, I have the sense you want to proclaim your love for Dawn from the rooftops. You feel like you are hiding an important part of yourself from the world. But here is some food for thought...

Your relationship with Dawn is very kinky. That's not something one can normally be open about at work or church anyway. So there will always be an aspect of your relationship with Dawn that is hidden from the public, yes?

Would you also feel like you are hiding an essential part of yourself if you weren't able to tell people about Jess (your wife)? For example, if you interact with Dawn's family/friends, do you tell them you're married? If not, do you feel like you are hiding an essential part of yourself? Do you feel like you want to tell everyone in Dawn's life about how wonderful your connection with your wife is?

If not, why do you feel the need to tell everyone in your wife's life about Dawn?

 

[azurebonds]

How does Jess (your wife) feel about being more open about it? She's the one who has the right to decide how to present her marriage to her own parents (your in-laws).

Just from reading your blog, I have the sense you want to proclaim your love for Dawn from the rooftops. You feel like you are hiding an important part of yourself from the world. But here is some food for thought...

Your relationship with Dawn is very kinky. That's not something one can normally be open about at work or church anyway. So there will always be an aspect of your relationship with Dawn that is hidden from the public, yes?

Would you also feel like you are hiding an essential part of yourself if you weren't able to tell people about Jess (your wife)? For example, if you interact with Dawn's family/friends, do you tell them you're married? If not, do you feel like you are hiding an essential part of yourself? Do you feel like you want to tell everyone in Dawn's life about how wonderful your connection with your wife is?

If not, why do you feel the need to tell everyone in your wife's life about Dawn?

Jess wants to present Dawn as a roommate and friend. You’re right that she should have control of that narrative with her parents.

It’s more that it feels awkward to hide and maintain one or more lies about it, but you are right that I would love to be more open about it.

Dawn wants to avoid church to prevent questions. She says that she doesn’t want to cause my daughter issues, since it’s important to her.

We are open about it with Dawn’s circle of friends, so it can be a bit jarring to switch back to lies in other contexts.

I suppose Tinwen is right in the sense that these are the consequences of my own actions, two completely independent relationships under one roof.

 

[Tinwen]

Jess wants to present Dawn as a roommate and friend. You’re right that she should have control of that narrative with her parents.

It’s more that it feels awkward to hide and maintain one or more lies about it, but you are right that I would love to be more open about it.

Dawn wants to avoid church to prevent questions. She says that she doesn’t want to cause my daughter issues, since it’s important to her.

We are open about it with Dawn’s circle of friends, so it can be a bit jarring to switch back to lies in other contexts.

I suppose Tinwen is right in the sense that these are the consequences of my own actions, two completely independent relationships under one roof.

Meera's answer is excellent.

I didn't mean to rub it in your face or something. I was coming from a place of feeling with Dawn - a closeted life sucks. But I completely forgot about Jess' side of things [ashamed]. Of course you have to take her input on the level of openness seriously.