Honesty & Communication

[Liz]

Hello, I’ve joined a couple some weeks ago. Let’s call then Anna and Fiona. They’ve been in a realatively fresh relationship before I hooked up with them. I loved them both, but more as friends. So we’ve talked this through and they are in a relationship now and I’m still with them but more as friends with benefits. Anna and me aren’t really intimate, what is fine but the sex topic is quite challenging for her, because she misses alot of intimacy with Fiona. So she communicated that and kinda figured it out. Fiona asked her later if it was okay if she and I had sex, Anna said it is ok for her. So I thought it was fine and Fiona and I slept together, and again some days later. Then Anna found out that we got intimate again, and it was really upsetting for her, because she really missed that from Fiona and she’s questioning why Fiona has that with me but not with her…

Also after the first time Fiona and I slept together Fiona told me she has feelings for me. But I don’t know if Anna knows this really important fact.

I don’t know what to do, because I’m in between and I feel hurt, because I think that Fiona is not 100% honest with Anna about how she feels and that again affects me and I don’t feel really safe in this at the moment. Like safe in a way of honesty and communication.

WOW That’s a long text. I’ll definitely communicate my feelings and boundaries but I would really appreciate if you had some advice for me or tell me about your story if you’ve been in a similar situation before

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Liz,

Honesty and communication are really, really important, and polyamory is not really polyamory if there is not consent from all of the participants. To get consent, there has to be knowledge. All of the participants have to know what's going on (at least in broad strokes), otherwise they don't know what they're consenting to, and that's not really consent. And to get knowledge, there has to be honesty and communication.

Fiona has not communicated honestly with Anna about the fact that she (Fiona) has feelings for you. Since Anna doesn't know about those feelings, she therefore doesn't know what she's consenting to. Since she doesn't know what she's consenting to, you're not really getting her consent. That's the most important factor in this situation, although you could also say that without consent, you also cannot have poly.

I suppose the thing for you to do now, is to have a talk about this with Fiona. Tell Fiona that you have a problem with Anna not knowing of Fiona's feelings for you. Tell Fiona that you feel this makes it an unethical situation. The question is, should you also say that if Fiona doesn't tell Anna about those feelings, that you will. You don't want to participate in an unethical situation, do you?

Sorry you are stuck in this difficult spot.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening.

So... it was kinda like Fiona sees you both. Anna is her GF and you are her FWB person. And you and Anna try to be friends? Is that the model you 3 practice?

And now you don't feel safe being FWB with Fiona because you discovered she's not honest with Anna? And instead of keeping it in the FWB bucket, now Fiona has feelings for you?

If so? You could get clear on what YOU want here.

ALL

• If what you wanted was a FWB situation and now Fiona caught feelings? End it. Because it's not FWB any more.
• Or if you discovered you want polyamory? And Fiona wants that too? You both have to tell Anna you want to change the relationship model.

ANNA

Could ask Anna not to tell you her her Fiona problems and instead talk to Fiona directly. Not to put you in the middle. It's not like you are a regular friend. You are ALSO Fiona's FWB so it puts you in the middle.

FIONA

You can ask Fiona to be more honest with Anna because it makes you feel uncomfortable when she isn't. If behavior doesn't change? End it with Fiona.

Keep your life simpler.

Galagirl

 

[MeeraReed]

It doesn't sound like you have "joined a couple." It sounds like you are involved with Fiona, who is in a relationship with Anna. That is fine, that is how poly works!

I think you are stressing too much about what Anna is thinking or feeling. Anna may be your friend, but it's Fiona's responsibility to deal with poly stuff in her relationship with Anna. It is not your fault or your problem if Anna is upset because Fiona had more sex with you than with her. That's up to Fiona to figure out and communicate with Anna about.

Fiona is the "hinge" of a poly V with you and Anna as the "arms." Maybe it's not that serious with you, that's okay. It's still up to Fiona to be a good hinge and manage her relationships.

You're dating Fiona, not Anna. If Anna is upset with Fiona because of you, that's not your fault. That's for Fiona and Anna to figure out.

But you can choose to walk away if this seems like too much drama for you. Fiona and Anna don't sound ready to be poly, to me.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Ultimately, you are only responsible for your own behaviour - you cannot control what other people do. However, you do get to decide whether you continue to participate in a relationship (of whatever degree) with someone who is not behaving it what you feel is an unethical manner. People may have different tolerances for less-than-stellar behaviour (MrS and I do). While I would not (now) participate knowingly in an outright cheating situation - for a NSA/ONS/temp FWB - I'd probably take a superficial stance knowing that it wasn't going anywhere. If a romantic relationship was in the works - I'd dig a whole lot deeper.

A question - where are you getting this info about how Anna is feeling and what she is thinking? From her? from Fiona?
If from Anna - MY response might be - "Wow, it really sounds like you and Fiona need to have a serious conversation about intimacy, but I am NOT the person that you need to be having this conversation with." If from Fiona - why is she being a "leaky hinge"? Or is she trying to show you how 'powerful" her attraction/feelings are for you that she is willing to hurt someone else to "sacrifice" to be with you? (Sorry to even bring this up, but some people are "Drama Queens" that drum up unnecessary conflict because it makes them feel powerful .)

Second question - does the fact that Fiona has caught feelings for you actually change YOUR desires? You said you liked them both "but more as friends". So what did you tell Fiona when she said that she had the feels for you?

This sounds too messy for my taste - so my reply (yours may be very different) might be: "Fiona, I think you are very attractive, enjoy being with you physically, and am flattered that you are attracted to me emotionally - but I am not in the same place as you are, and your relationship with Anna doesn't seem to be at a good launching spot for happy open/poly dating. Anna, I think you are an awesome person and you really need to be talking to Fiona and a trusted friend (who isn't me) or a therapist/counselor about why you are participating in a relationship that is already "missing intimacy" this early in a relatively fresh relationship. To both of you, no hard feelings but hit me up if you ever figure your shit out."

(I swear, MrClean and his most recent ex, whatever I called her, were in relationship counselling before they were 6 months in! If you need relationship therapy before NRE has even worn off...that seems troublesome to me.)

 

[Marcus]

I think that Fiona is not 100% honest with Anna about how she feels

What did Fiona say when you talked to her about your interpretation of the situation?