Hopeful…

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Dr Mary

New member
Hi all! My name is Mary, and I am in Colorado Springs. I am eight years married in an ENM relationship, but have acknowledged that I am polyamorous while my husband is not. We are struggling profoundly with this, and with the fact that I have been trying to get my poly needs met without being completely honest with him. That was wrong, I am owning that, and now we’re trying to find our way forward. I’m hoping on this forum to find others who have navigated polyamory discordant relationships, and to simply learn more about how people learn to celebrate this part of themselves. Thank you
 
Welcome. I’m sorry you’re having trouble navigating this crazy world of polyamory. It’s good that you owned up to the fact that you were dishonest. Just realize that going forward things will never be the same. Trust is one of the most important things in a polyamorous relationship and getting it back requires a lot of work and commitment. Have you thought about going to couples counseling?
 
You can start a thread in our Poly Relationships Corner with a few specific questions about transitioning from more of a swinger mindset to a polyamorous (multiple loves) mindset. It can be harder to have two different approaches in one couple, but it's definitely not uncommon and can work! It's crucial to be fully honest, with yourself and with your partners.

Be reminded that your husband has his own work to do around consenting to you being and acting as your authentic self. Trying to "protect his feelings" or avoid facing them has backfired, it seems.

Have the hard talks. It should increase your intimacy in the long run. And if it doesn't, it can be kindest to part and go your own ways so you can each practice ENM as suits you best.
 
Greetings Mary,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Both spouses in a married couple don't necessarily have to be inclined the same way. There is even such a thing as a mono/poly relationship. In your case it is more like open/poly -- open for your husband, poly for you. There is nothing wrong with that, the two of you just have to figure out a way to practice the dual inclination harmoniously. Let me know if I can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Bsweet2Bev said:
Welcome. I’m sorry you’re having trouble navigating this crazy world of polyamory. It’s good that you owned up to the fact that you were dishonest. Just realize that going forward things will never be the same. Trust is one of the most important things in a polyamorous relationship and getting it back requires a lot of work and commitment. Have you thought about going to couples counseling?
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We have, and we are going to do that. I appreciate your compassionate and thoughtful reply and I completely get it. I have work to do, but we also do as a couple.
 
Thank you for your open and honest post. Guilt, even though my husband wanted this lifestyle for us, still consumes me after a date with another man, couple that with my husbands jealous tendencies it only compounds itself because I cannot be truly open with him. I say that to let you know you are not alone. This journey can be hard at times, but we need to learn to allow ourselves some grace. Be kind to ourselves so we can be our best for others as well.

I am looking forward to learning more about your story and how we may be able to help, even if just providing the space for you to get things off of your chest

Big hugs to you!!

~ Michelle
 
Hi Mary, and thanks for your introduction and story. I'm new to this lifestyle as well and if you were to tell me I would be reaching out to random people online, I wouldn't have believed you last month. It's a lot to take in when you aren't familiar. I hope things work out for you very soon. I thought I would be more like your husband until I realized that my partners happiness is more important to me than my petty jealousy issues. I haven't met a woman that was worthy of this amount of trust before in my life but she changed my perspective. If he cherishes your happiness he should come around eventually. If I've learned anything, I now know not to force anything and the universe will provide. Take care and pleas reach out if you need anything.
 
Have you two read up on ethical non-monogamy (ENM), e.g., the book Opening Up?

Would you theoretically be alright if your partner dated others?

Can you slow down for an extended time to bond while he gets up to speed on ENM? Honestly seeing the pain he may be going through may compel you to allow even years for him to hopefully, and unforcedly, slowly converge through dialogue. In the meantime, check out the TED Talk on the “monogamish” concept as a temporary fix.

I am curious what you think an ethical alternative would be since I am on a similar boat. I hope you come back regularly to update us.

By the way, if you are using your real name, you may want to edit it into a pseudonym.

Thanks.
 
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