Hostile metamor - what can I expect from my patner?

[Boogy_up_the_alley]

Hi

I’m having some issues with my metamor being hostile towards me and it’s caused a lot of issues in my relationship. What I would like to know is:

1. what can I expect from my partner in terms of protecting me when his other partners are being hostile to me?
2. the fact that he’s with someone who is so hostile to me - does this mean that he’s being disrespectful to me or that he doesn’t care about me?

Context: My partner and I are in a long-distance relationship. We’re both poly, but since a few months ago my partner has started dating someone who’s monogamous and has promised her that he won’t see anyone else in NY except her. She’s made it clear to him that she doesn’t want to know anything about me. But whenever there’s been any sort of (indirect) interaction between us, she’s been quite hostile towards me.

I don’t actually care about her opinion because I don’t have any direct interactions with her, and I can ignore her if I want to. But the worse part of it is that sometimes my partner defends her, or excuses her behaviour. And I don’t think he’s holding her accountable for her behaviour or demanding respect for me. He doesn’t want to put too much pressure on her, because she’s monogamous and this is difficult for her. It’s now gotten to the point the whenever I tell him that her behaviour isn’t ok and I expect better, or at least an apology, he gets really aggressive and closed off. I am also beginning to worry that she might be sabotaging me.

So I really want to have an outside perspective on whether I am overreacting, and am I expecting too much from my partner? And is his behaviour signalling that he doesn't have my best interest at heart?

For context, below are some of the interactions I’ve had with her:

• When I was visiting my partner in NY, I was looking for ways of improving my relationship with her so that maybe we can have some fun interactions, because that’s what I’ve always wanted with my metamors. My partner suggested that I let him hang out with her one more day than was originally planned because she was finding it really hard that I was there. I agreed to that. But first she threw a tantrum that I “let him” hang out with her, then she switched up the time to suit her, and my partner agreed to that (even though it clashed with our plans), and when he tried to explain to her that I was doing something nice for her, she started insulting me. I later realised the insults were based on things she’d read “accidentally” in private notes that my partner had written about our relationship. After my partner met her I asked him whether he’d told her off for the stuff she said about me, and he said “no, I don’t think that would’ve been helpful”
• She told my partner that if we meet she will be mean to me to see if I’m a “little bitch”. My partner defended her to me and said she would act like this if she met any of her friends’ boyfriends/girlfriends.
• While I was in NY my partner asked me to write up my goals for 2021 on his blackboard. A couple of weeks ago she apparently erased them. They had an argument about it and she apologised to him. I told my partner that it's me she should apologise to, because she’s being hostile towards me by doing that. He's told me that I can’t expect anything like this and that 0 harm has come to me. This in itself is a minor act. But I feel like it's quite symbolic, cause it's like she's using her proximity to his life to erase me? And then makes me wonder what else she's done that I don't know about, and whether she's been trying to sabotage my relationship with him in some ways.

All of this sounds like high school drama and I would like nothing more than to ignore these things and let them go. They are exactly the things I was trying to avoid when I became poly. What is bothering me is my partner’s reaction, which is making me wonder if he’s someone who has my best interest at heart.

The reason I have all the info above is because my partner and I talk openly about everything. It's a policy we have in our relationship that we're completely open to each other. That policy only extends to information that is either not too private, or is of concern to me. And she knows that he shares certain amount of info about her with me. And I don’t think him not telling me about these things is in any way helpful. Because I need to know (a) if she’s destroying my stuff or sabotaging me, and (b) what my partner is doing about it, and whether he’s respecting me. If he doesn’t tell me then I could be living in blissful ignorance while she sabotages my stuff and my partner doesn’t set any boundaries for her

So my questions are:

1. what can I expect from my partner in terms of protecting me when his other partners are being hostile to me? She’s monogamous and finding things hard. Should that be a factor in him going easy on her?
2. the fact that he’s with someone who is so hostile to me - does this mean that he’s being disrespectful to me or that he doesn’t care about me?

 

[Inaniel]

Being mono isn’t an acceptable excuse for disrespectful behavior. As a hinge I do not tolerate that kind of crap. After the first offense, she would be put on notice, if it contunued she would be out of my life.

 

[Marcus]

All of this sounds like high school drama and I would like nothing more than to ignore these things and let them go. They are exactly the things I was trying to avoid when I became poly.

You might be setting yourself up for failure in looking at polyamory as the place where all of the emotionally mature people hang out. I've been on these boards for quite a bit, and I have seen nothing but an ocean of evidence to the contrary.

Most polyamorous folk (in the US at least) were probably monogamous to start with, and tend to bring with them all of the bad habits they learned from that relationship type. Even those who never had a monogamous relationship still grew up in a civilization that puts value on all of the wrong things. Given that, polyamorous folk are easily as petty, controlling, and careless as anyone you encountered when you were monogamous.

1. what can I expect from my partner in terms of protecting me when his other partners are being hostile to me? She’s monogamous and finding things hard. Should that be a factor in him going easy on her?
2. the fact that he’s with someone who is so hostile to me - does this mean that he’s being disrespectful to me or that he doesn’t care about me?

1. I think you should let your partner answer that for you, because you "should expect from them" that which is authentic for them. Whether or not they meet some arbitrary metric of behavior is irrelevant, because the only thing that is important is who your partner is and how they handle things.
   
   
2. I mean... it's not a great sign, right? It sounds like they have landed themselves a real turd of a partner and they seem to be planning to ride it out. This decisions clearly puts you as a minor player in this whole thing. So what you need to figure out is if YOU think it's disrespectful and then make whatever adjustment is needed to the association.

Personally it does sound like high school nonsense to me. I won't have any part of someone who knowingly brings a poison pill into my orbit, so I would give him a high five over a video call and wish him the best.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

FWIW? Sounds like your problem is the hinge. Not the meta.

We’re both poly, but since a few months ago my partner has started dating someone who’s monogamous and has promised her that he won’t see anyone else in NY except her. She’s made it clear to him that she doesn’t want to know anything about me.

Look at promises he made. And isn't keeping.

You came to NY and then listed a whole bunch of things/times where he wasn't respecting that she doesn't want to know anything about you.

I don’t actually care about her opinion because I don’t have any direct interactions with her, and I can ignore her if I want to.

So ignore her. Why aren't you? This is LDR. You don't have to deal with her at all. He can come visit you where you are. Or you two meet up somewhere.

But the worse part of it is that sometimes my partner defends her, or excuses her behaviour. And I don’t think he’s holding her accountable for her behaviour or demanding respect for me. He doesn’t want to put too much pressure on her, because she’s monogamous and this is difficult for her. It’s now gotten to the point the whenever I tell him that her behaviour isn’t ok and I expect better, or at least an apology, he gets really aggressive and closed off. I am also beginning to worry that she might be sabotaging me.

I'd worry less about her and more that he's a sloppy hinge. Because you actually have to interact with him. Not so much her.

Because if time with her is time with her? And time with you is time talking about her? Or processing their stuff? When do you get your OWN time with him? You aren't his free therapist.

You aren't the one picking her out to date. You aren't the one who has to accommodate her needs. You aren't dating her.

Could tell you partner you prefer a very separate V and apart from sex health hygiene info? You don't need to know details about her.

You wish them well, but don't need to hear details about it. And hold the boundary.

My partner suggested that I let him hang out with her one more day than was originally planned because she was finding it really hard that I was there. I agreed to that. But first she threw a tantrum that I “let him” hang out with her, then she switched up the time to suit her, and my partner agreed to that (even though it clashed with our plans), and when he tried to explain to her that I was doing something nice for her, she started insulting me. I later realised the insults were based on things she’d read “accidentally” in private notes that my partner had written about our relationship. After my partner met her I asked him whether he’d told her off for the stuff she said about me, and he said “no, I don’t think that would’ve been helpful”

This whole brouhaha could have been avoided by skipping NY and meeting up with him elsewhere.

Or you saying "No, thanks. I prefer to stick with original plan for NY visit. I expect you to clear whatever at home/with your other partner before I get out there. Once I'm here, we do the plan."

If it was me? I'm fine with 1 day. I'm fine with 2 days. I'm fine with 3 days. But I am NOT fine making trip plans, traveling, and changing trip plans last minute just because he was sloppy and left things unattended elsewhere. Like why would HIS poor time management have to be MY problem? By the time someone makes a trip thing with me? I expect them to have all their other things cleared off their calendar. Not chores pending, or work pending, childcare pending, or whatever else.

Get it together and don't be wasting MY time.

There was nothing "emergency" happening here.

I also would not be a fan of him talking about me like "Galagirl let me do this or that" like I'm his keeper. I prefer adults behave like adults and OWN their own choices.

I'd be ok if during planning and I asked for 3 days and he said "No. I have other promises I have to keep with my other partner. I can only do two." That's him owning his own stuff.

I would not be ok if he said "No. I can't. My partner won't let me do this or that." That's making the partner be his mommy. And I don't want to be "mommified" either in the other direction.

We’re both poly, but since a few months ago my partner has started dating someone who’s monogamous and has promised her that he won’t see anyone else in NY except her.

and

While I was in NY my partner asked me to write up my goals for 2021 on his blackboard.

So he made a promise to her. Then invited you over to NY. Broke the promise. And then she's mad.

And on your end... if you knew about this promise? Why go to NY? Why not meet up elsewhere?

The problem is that he is a sloppy hinge from the sound of it.

But rather than hold the hinge accountable when he's sloppy? She dumps it on you. You dump it on her.

When I was visiting my partner in NY, I was looking for ways of improving my relationship with her so that maybe we can have some fun interactions, because that’s what I’ve always wanted with my metamors.

For that to happen, the metas have to want it back.

She's been clear she's monogamous and wants nothing to do with you. So don't bother trying. Less work and less drama for you.

The reason I have all the info above is because my partner and I talk openly about everything. It's a policy we have in our relationship that we're completely open to each other.

Then BE open and honest. Tell him this is a drag, you are tired of it, and would like to hear less about their problems. And you expect him to quit being a sloppy hinge. Separate V. Keep her stuff over there on her side and your stuff over here on your side.

1. what can I expect from my partner in terms of protecting me when his other partners are being hostile to me? She’s monogamous and finding things hard. Should that be a factor in him going easy on her?

Could ask him directly what you can expect from him.

Could also step back and reflect -- Why do you even need "protecting?" And who is responsible for doing it? You? Someone else?

If she's having a having a hard time, he could be kind to her. That's their biz.

What's it got to do with you? Or did you get sucked into it because of sloppy hinge stuff?

He could have kept his promise to her about not seeing anyone else but her in NY. But he broke that promise and she's now mad and acting out. Where is surprise?

Or he could have been up front and not made such a promise. Said something like "No, I cannot make you that promise. I want to see my other partners in NY. I can promise you don't have to hang out with them if they visit though."

But he didn't. And you ended up in the splash zone. So step back and let them sort out their issues without you getting involved in it.

the fact that he’s with someone who is so hostile to me - does this mean that he’s being disrespectful to me or that he doesn’t care about me?

To me it sounds like he picked a monogamous person to date. If she's strictly monogamous? I don't know what made her pick a poly dude. If he's a poly dude, I don't know what made him pick out a strictly monogamous person. To me I'd wonder things like "Don't you people have any common sense?" because these two things are mutually exclusive and don't make for good compatibility. Why bang heads on wall?

But if he wants to learn that the hard way? That's his problem. It doesn't have to be your problem. Get out of the splash zone and let him figure out stuff the hard way then on the other side of the V.

Stop trying to be friends with a meta that doesn't want to be friends. Do a very separate V instead.

You don't want to spend all your time on THIS side of the V processing junk from the other side do you? When would you get to have your own relationship with him? I get being open and honest. But there's also him oversharing tiresome things that don't really involve you.

I'd suggest you exercise stronger boundaries with your hinge. You could protect your own self from any of their weird.

And if he's still being annoying or too weird? Let him go. Because this:

All of this sounds like high school drama and I would like nothing more than to ignore these things and let them go. They are exactly the things I was trying to avoid when I became poly. What is bothering me is my partner’s reaction, which is making me wonder if he’s someone who has my best interest at heart.

Cuz if he's not the right poly partner for you? He's just not.

You can stop picking him out to date.

Galagirl

 

[ref2018]

I just commented on your post on reddit, and I will just copypasta:

All of this sounds like high school drama and I would like nothing more than to ignore these things and let them go. They are exactly the things I was trying to avoid when I became poly. What is bothering me is my partner’s reaction, which is making me wonder if he’s someone who has my best interest at heart.

The best thing about banging your head against the wall is how good it feels when you finally stop.

 

[breathemusic]

Like others are telling you, this is not a meta problem, it's a hinge problem. Your partner is showing and telling you who his is and what sort of behavior he is willing to tolerate from his partners. Meta doesn't have to like you or respect you or be nice to you or really any of those things. But if your partner is willing to have a partner who shit talks and acts crappy toward one of his other partners and not do anything about it, then that says plenty about him. So really, the question is, are YOU ok being with someone who has such poor boundaries and is unable to be a good hinge?

 

[Magdlyn]

Your partner asked you to write your goals on his whiteboard and then your meta saw it. Of course that would bother her. She'd prefer to pretend you don't exist. It wasn't her right to erase evidence of your existence, but the real mistake was made by your partner! Sheesh.

I'd recommend you ask him to not share anything about your meta with you, and not share anything about you with your meta. Being "open and honest" doesn't mean sharing every detail about one partner with another! If he tries to blab about her, just shut him down, end the chat, leave the room.

There's this thing called discretion.

 

[ref2018]

Your partner asked you to write your goals on his whiteboard and then your meta saw it. Of course that would bother her.

There's this thing called discretion.

Yeah, when I first read this on the other site, I was like, "Who *does* that?" If that's not rubbing something in someone else's face, I don't know what is.

The other possibility is that *he* erased the board and is blaming it on her.

 

[TXretired]

Driver was a very controlling meta. Finally he vetoed my relationship with Teach. It was fir the best. We still love each other, have very limited communication. But sadly, no relationship. Looking back, the reduction in stress for Teach and I, it is all for the best.

 

[Tinwen]

You must be insecure about what this other relationship means for you. Does this mean that your ldr relationship has no way to escalate? Will you see him less? Will he dump you? What limits are there in place - maybe she's never willing to reschedule? no more vacations?

Maybe this is what you need to clarify with your partner. Where is he willing to stand his ground? Is that enough for you to have a fulfilling relationship?

P.S. I don't think she did any harm with the board. Whiteboards are erasable for a reason.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Boogy_up_the_alley,

It sounds like your partner is all caught up in his NRE with his new monogamous partner ... to the extent that in his eyes, she can do no wrong. He is done with his NRE for you, and as a result does not see you through those rose-colored glasses. What he *should* do is tell his monogamous partner, "Stop treating Boogy_up_the_alley like that. Or else." What you can *expect* him to do is to be entirely subservient to her, to find fault only with you and not with her if he has to make that call. The sad reality of NRE is, that at this time, he cares more about her than he does about you. You have to decide if you are willing to stay in a relationship with someone who lets his NRE influence his thoughts, feelings, and behavior, as much as this partner does. He may live to regret his NRE trip if you leave him, but that is his problem.

Being monogamous is not a good excuse for acting the way your metamour has been acting towards you. Your partner should step up and be a man and tell her that either she stops acting that way or else. On the other hand, what she *should* do, and what you can *expect* her to do, are two different things. She is staunchly monogamous. Your very existence rubs her the wrong way. What should have happened, is that your partner should have not started dating her in the first place. But that ship has already sailed.

Tell your partner that you don't appreciate, nor should you appreciate, the way his monogamous partner is treating you. Tell him, that you appreciate the way *he* is treating you, even less. He is your partner. You should be able to depend on him for better treatment.

I hope the two of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.