How can I transition into polyamory with an already polyamorous partner?

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Phmora9289

New member
Hey all,
I am a 36 year old monogamous male dating a girl who is formerly polyamorous but we are currently monogamous with one another. My partner suggested we try monogomy even though she is, at heart, polyamorous but is respecting my monogamous way of dating out of respect for me.
She would like to enter back into polyamory to reconnect with a past relationship she once had. We have a very loving a healthy relationship currently so I am willing to TRY this transition as I want her to be able to be herself AND be happy. The way I see it, if I truly love her, then I love all of her, and not just the parts of her that make me comfortable. With that being said, as long as she was wanting polyamory for healthy reasons, then it would be selfish of me to deny her of that solely because I have never been poly.
My question is this that I need help on, how do I do it??? How do I transition to this when the thought of my partner being with someone else romantically brings on so many feelings of nervousness, hurt feelings, and other negative thoughts? We are going to start seeing a counselor for at least 1-2 sessions before we begin the transition as well as readin “Opening Up”. I want to do this for my partner but am worried that I am going to unintentionally “wall up” and we end up suffering. Furthermore, I am nervous that once she is able to reconnect with another person, that the purity and quality of our relationship will decline or suffer. My heart and mind both tell me we have a beautiful future together so perhaps I will do better at transitioning than I currently think, but just fearful if this is the wrong choice for us.
This is my first time posting in a discussion board as well as talking publicly about poly so go easy on me.
 
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Hi and welcome to the forum.

I think need to seriously evaluate what you need from a relationship / partnership and what you’re willing to give up for a non measurable and subjective “ happiness “ . You should be doing this for YOU . All the resources that go into making romantic relationships work such a time , attention, energy , money are finite And zero sum. You need to figure out how much you’re willing to settle for.

I know this is probably overwhelming right now to think about everything but I definitely would ditch the idea of remaining mono for yourself even if it’s more theoretical. Ii‘d keep that on the table Because there are huge costs with little to NO benefits to you.
 
This is my first time posting in a discussion board as well as talking publicly about poly so go easy on me.
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Welcome.

I mean all this kindly ok? It may be hard to hear or think about, but I'd hate for you to go the long way around and end up spending time, energy, and resources on something you don't actually want to do.
  • I cannot tell if you really want to be here doing this, and are simply worried about new changes in your life.
  • Or if you are actually throwing yourself under a bus, know it deep down, but don't want to "say it out loud."
So I encourage you to really think this out and do some soul searching.

I think in emotional honesty with oneself and others is a needed skill for successful relating.

So think this over well before going there ok?

She would like to enter back into polyamory to reconnect with a past relationship she once had. We have a very loving a healthy relationship currently so I am willing to TRY this transition as I want her to be able to be herself AND be happy. The way I see it, if I truly love her, then I love all of her, and not just the parts of her that make me comfortable. With that being said, as long as she was wanting polyamory for healthy reasons, then it would be selfish of me to deny her of that solely because I have never been poly.
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But what do YOU want? Do you want to be able to be yourself and be happy? If you prefer to stay monogamous? Nothing wrong with that.

What stops you from saying "I see you want to change models. I don't want to. So best we part ways. Then I can be free of poly stuff I do not want. And you can be free to pursue poly stuff you do want."

Then you aren't denying her anything. You set her free to do what she wants. But you are also looking out for your own well being.

You have to be able to say "I love you a lot, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me or goes against my grain."

So other than wanting to please her... why do YOU want poly? What exciting or great about it for you? So far I only read this:
  • Do more work reading things
  • Start seeing a counselor
  • Nervous
  • worried about the purity and quality of the relationship will decline or suffer.
  • fearful if this is the wrong choice for us.
If it is not ok for her to do monogamy because at heart she is poly... what are YOU at heart?

To me the toggles go something like this.
  • Monoamorous (desire or capacity to love 1 sweetie) and monogamous (wants a 1:1 relationship shape only)
  • Monoamorous (desire or capacity to love 1 sweetie) and relationship shape flexible. Can do either monogamy or be an end point in a "V" or similar.
  • Polyamorous (desire or capacity to love more than 1 sweetie) and relationship shape flexible. Can do either monogamy/Closed or be in a poly model of some kind.
  • Polyamorous (desire or capacity to love more than 1 sweetie) and wanting poly shape models only
Which are you?

I think "neighbor" toggles might go ok together. But you can see where the 1st and 4th and mutually exclusive/ opposite things. Those don't fly together well.

My question is this that I need help on, how do I do it??? How do I transition to this when the thought of my partner being with someone else romantically brings on so many feelings of nervousness, hurt feelings, and other negative thoughts?
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Such as what thoughts or feelings? If you just don't want to share a partner's time and attention... what's wrong with that?

We are going to start seeing a counselor for at least 1-2 sessions before we begin the transition as well as readin “Opening Up”. I want to do this for my partner but am worried that I am going to unintentionally “wall up” and we end up suffering.
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If you know your own self and you tend to "wall up" to protect yourself... why do stuff that requires this defense to activate?

Do you believe "love is sacrifice" or "love must be proven" or something similar?

Why are you doing this for partner? Or are you only saying that you are doing it "for partner" and are really doing it "for you to retain access to partner/avoid a break up?"

I'm not trying to be mean... just saying... really ask yourself the hard questions in your soul searching. Lean in, with or without the counselor help. Because only you can answer if this is like "growing pains" or if this is you doing stuff you don't really want to be doing just to keep access to this partner.

If she was trying to squish herself into a monogamy box just to be with you? She was going against her own grain. And her doing that? Doesn't means it's your turn now to get into a poly box that goes against your grain. That might be "fair" in the sense that both people spend time in an unwanted box. But is it HEALTHY? Good relating?

Furthermore, I am nervous that once she is able to reconnect with another person, that the purity and quality of our relationship will decline or suffer.
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I don't get the "purity" part. Could be willing to clarify? Are you saying you really value exclusiveness? If so... why would you pursue a non-exclusive model?

I do get the decline/suffer. Some people get "drunk" on NRE and behave poorly at the established partner.

You haven't yet gotten to know this side of her. You don't know if she's decent as a hinge or gets all annoying or obnoxious.

You don't have benefit of past experience to go "Oh, she always gets goofy for the first ___ weeks and then she calms down."

You also may not know what to do with yourself when she's out with other people or how to share her time and attention well. So it IS going out into the unknown a bit.

You may find you do not enjoy doing all this extra work to get less of her time/attention. Then what?

My heart and mind both tell me we have a beautiful future together so perhaps I will do better at transitioning than I currently think, but just fearful if this is the wrong choice for us.
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If this is not a "joyful yes" thing for you... why are you consenting doing it? What is the "right choice for us?"

You could both talk about how this transition ends.
  • If it ends well and everyone is doing poly fine. What's that look like?
  • If it ends with a break up... how do you want to part? What's that look like?
Then you are prepared either way.

But before you do that... think hard on whether you even want to take this trip and why you are taking it.

Sometimes when people say they want to take the bus to Poly Town? It's ok for your to pull the string and just get off the bus because as much as you like them? You don't want to go there.

So be sure you are doing this for the right reasons, and not just doing it to hang on to the partner and avoid talking about a break up.

Galagirl
 
I sense where your coming from might be rooted in a bit of emotional codependency. It’s a typical accompaniment of the relationship escalator.

I think it’s going to be difficult if you cannot maintain independence from the relationship. Consider taking a step back from the relationship escalator to a point where you are planning for today and not the beautiful future that you are fabricating in your mind. I call it a fabrication only because the future cannot be known.

Having a fundamentally different relationship strategy than your partner can create significant uncertainty down the road. If your desire is to pursue the relationship over other options than I think having the poly experiment is a good idea. Better to do it now than in 20 years only to find out it doesn’t work for you.

So do try the poly experiment, but consider the poly experiment as an essential step in making the personal decision to have a romantic future with this person. And not as something you must endure to have a romantic future with this person.

Once you know you can be comfortable with the poly situation, you will have more data to base your decisions on. Until then, consider abstaining from pursuits of the typical monogamous relationship escalator items such as living together, legal marriage, and financial entanglements.

I think everything you described in your original post will have less emotional sting if you are positioned in a way to focus on your personal life goals and maintain a good bit of mental independence from the relationship.

Many couples who jump into polyamory resist letting go of what they created as a monogamous couple. That can be a mistake, particularly when what was created in the monogamous relationship was codependency. Success in polyamory is like anything else in life, positioning yourself for success is going to make a favorable outcome more likely.

Think about all of your feelings, and about how your position may make you more or less vulnerable to those feelings. If you can position yourself in a way that is more comfortable, start there. You may have the option to move into a more uncomfortable position later on when you are ready for the challenge.
 
Hello Phmora9289,
Here are a few resources that might help you:
The other thing to do, is to keep reading and posting on this thread and forum. As you do so, people will continue to respond, with more advice and feedback, to your thoughts, questions, and concerns.

Good luck and hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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