how do i accept it?

C

chelsea94

New member
My bf and I have been dating for almost 2 1\2 years. He's recently brought up the idea of poly relationship. I want to try and support him in this, as it makes him happy and complete. He's met someone, and wants to talk to me about him, unfortunately I don't know how to feel about this. My anxiety of the situation takes over, and as many times as he tries to reassure me he won't love me any less, my mind goes off and thinks about what if I'm not as good as this other person and become forgotten? He's asked me to marry him before talking about a poly relationship, and I want to make it work. I just don't know where to begin.. Any experiences would be appreciated.

Thanks! ��
 
Well, I'm kinda dour about this, so take what you will.

To me, polyamory is NOT some sort of kink, sport, or pastime -- it's a chosen lifestyle. I get the impression that your boyfriend has either latched onto the Fantasy nonsense ("hey honey, let's have a threesome with your best friend!"), or has been poly-inclined all along & has kept that from you for almost three years.

Get an answer to this question: How will he feel about you dating other guys? If it's like, "well, you won't BE dating other guys," then he's expecting you to cater his fantasy.
 
Well, he explained it to me as such. There were certain emotional aspects of our relationship that I couldn't satisfy, which honestly hasn't been anything new. He figures that he can find someone to fill in that void that I knowingly cannot fill myself. I've told him I'm okay with him opening his emotions up to someone else, but I'm afraid that he'll be more interested in this other person because he'll be able to satisfy all his emotional needs. Plus, we don't have sex, because he isn't attracted to the female anatomy, but he does enjoy the males. So now I've got this complex that I'll be worth nothing after the fact. The guy he's met lives on another continent, but plans to be in the states in a year or so. Plenty of time to give this all a try, but I don't know how to be emotionally okay with this to even try it out. I've got a fear of being replaced, and he tells me all the time nothing will change between us, and that he still loves me, he just has enough love to love 2 people.
 
chelsea94 said:
My bf and I have been dating for almost 2 1\2 years. He's recently brought up the idea of poly relationship. I want to try and support him in this, as it makes him happy and complete. He's met someone, and wants to talk to me about him, unfortunately I don't know how to feel about this. My anxiety of the situation takes over, and as many times as he tries to reassure me he won't love me any less, my mind goes off and thinks about what if I'm not as good as this other person and become forgotten? He's asked me to marry him before talking about a poly relationship, and I want to make it work. I just don't know where to begin.. Any experiences would be appreciated.

Thanks! ��
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Welcome chelsea94!

When it comes to something as potentially deal-breaking as opening up a relationship, what you want is critical. You make no mention of what you want. Do you want to remain monogamous? Do you want him to remain monogamous? Figure out what you want, not what would make him happy, not what you can tolerate.

Once you have a sense of your absolute needs (and monogamy can be a need, as can polyamory/open), you can then start sorting out with your boyfriend what your relationship might become.

Your anxieties and concerns are very, very common in someone who is confronting open or poly relationships for the first time. Click 'Search' above and then click 'Tag Search' on the drop down menu. Enter terms like 'opening up', 'couples' 'mono-poly' and just read some threads. You will find that many, many people have experienced, or are experiencing the same anxieties of not being loved, of not being enough, of not comparing well and so on. You could just read deeply in the Poly Relationship Corner as these topics come up frequently there.

I agree with Ravenscroft to ask your boyfriend about how he feels about you dating other people (even if you are not interested in this right now). There is a saying that one is poly not when dating other people but when one's partners are dating other people. Many people are fine with dating themselves but have immense difficulty with their partner dating. His reaction to that question will tell you a lot. Is this a fantasy? Has he really begun to think this through?

Also, for the love of all, don't get married now. Have a super long engagement if you need to but do not get legally married. Being open, or not, is one of those decisions that need to be sorted out before marriage (like having children or not, or how to handle religious or spiritual differences, or differences in saving vs. spending). Yes one can figure it out afterwards but it is infinitely better to do do it before the legally binding stuff. The brutal truth is that legal marriage does not make a relationship last on its own. It just raises dramatically the costs of breaking up. So even though it's a lovely symbol of commitment, do not let the symbol stand in for the real hard work of actually being committed and making a relationship thrive.
 
I don't know you, and I don't know him, so take what I'm about to say with a pinch of salt, and know that I do not mean this unkindly: it sounds like he is gay, and wanting a wife to disguise this fact. If he's not into you sexually, and you and he are not emotionally compatible/fulfilling to one another, then I agree with the insecure voice in your head - I cannot see what is in this relationship beyond friendship. Now, people have been marrying their best friend's from time immemorial. I know many older men and women in my LGBT community who explain that this was often the 'best solution' to having an alternative sexuality in the past, and often they talk of their spouse or ex-spouse very fondly. It is not as strange as it sounds. My advice to you is to think very hard about what you want in a romantic partner, and ask yourself if your current bf, with the lack of sex and the needs you cannot fulfil, is it.
 
Your emotional qualities AND your sexual preferences do not line up? And yet, you were considering marriage? Hm. Please explain.
 
I'd wish him luck, find a partner who wants a full relationship with you and just being friends with your ex who is free to be with men. Absolutely do NOT marry him, this Will not end well for you
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

FWIW? To me? Polyamory doesn't sound like a "solution" for this.

Your concerns also seem to revolve around you meeting his personal standards or not. I don't see where you consider if he meets YOUR personal standards or not.

There is nothing wrong with wanting polyamory or wanting monogamy or wanting whatever else. There is something wrong with trying to force something that just does not line up. Like square peg/round hole. These pop out at me from your post:

  • There were certain emotional aspects of our relationship that I couldn't satisfy
  • we don't have sex, because he isn't attracted to the female anatomy
  • now I've got this complex that I'll be worth nothing after the fact.
  • I am not emotionally okay with this to even try it out.

Is not sharing emotional intimacy and not sharing sex and feeling UGH what you envisioned for your marriage? :confused: No? Then do not go there.

You can care about each other as friends. Let the relationship shape change to friendship. Do not change it to marriage!

If he's offering you a "not up to your standards" marriage offer --- that might be great for him but no so great for you.

If what he offers you just does NOT meet your personal standards for what YOU want in YOUR romantic relationship or marriage? Let it go. With regrets, but let it go.

That is what I would do in those shoes. Instead of bending into poly pretzels trying to accept a romance/marriage offer I don't really care for that makes me feel ugh?

I would decline polyamory with this partner and accept instead that we are not compatible for romance/marriage.

I would make it work for me by not entering into wonky situations.

Galagirl
 
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chelsea94 said:
.....we don't have sex, because he isn't attracted to the female anatomy, but he does enjoy the males. So now I've got this complex that I'll be worth nothing after the fact.
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Why are you in a relationship with someone who is not attracted to you?
Why are you thinking of spending your life with someone who is not attracted to you?
Why would you base your entire self esteem on the opinion of someone, anyone?
Why would you think you're "nothing" because someone is attracted to another?
Why do you have an "I'm easily replaced" story going on?


This situation won't ever be hammered into place by trying to "make it work" or by trying to figure out how to feel better about what your boyfriend/fiancé wants. You have anxieties for good reason. The way forward is to see that this is about you and these questions, not about what your boyfriend wants.
 
Hi chelsea94,

Not everyone can accept poly (in their own lives), some people are too strongly inclined to monogamy for that. This doesn't mean there's something wrong with them, it's just their inclination. Perhaps that's how it is for you?

If you can accept poly (in your own life), the best way to get there is probably education. That is, learn all you can about poly, so that it becomes more familiar. This helps remove the fear of the unknown.

Polyamory.com is a good place to start; also there are books/websites such as Opening Up and More than Two.

It would probably be wise to postpone your wedding at least until you can tell if you can accept poly in your own life. Or if your boyfriend can accept mono in his own life!

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Maybe I didn't explain well enough.. My needs are met within our current relationship. And he's not forcing me to accept this choice. It's my choice to want to accept this for him. I feel as though it could help out the pieces that I can't fill. And it's not me being self conscious about how he feels about me, it's just so new, I don't know how to feel about it at all, so these are my initial reactions to the thought. I just don't know how to move past then. He said he was more than willing for me to have a bf too, so it's not one sided, and he truly does mean that this is what he wants. If however this isn't what I want, we'll figure something out, but I do want to give it a try, I just don't know how. And he does find me attractive, it's just he doesn't like vagina, and we've both accepted this fact as part of our relationship. I'm not a huge sex fan either, so it works out. I just wanted some insight as to be able to move past some of the initial feelings. I don't think of myself any less, and I do know what I want.
 
Re:
"I do want to give it a try, I just don't know how."
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When you say "give it a try," do you mean try having a second boyfriend yourself? If so, OKCupid might be the way to go.
 
Give it a try as in poly relationship. I mean genuinely, I have no problem with him opening himself up to another person, caring for, and loving them. It's just hard to accept the idea of that person being considered a bf/gf. And yes, but he tells me he doesn't feel gay. I'm not even really sure what to call it. But I don't enjoy sex, and he doesn't enjoy sex with girls. But if I don't enjoy sex, why would it bother me so much for him to have sex with a gender he likes. That's one of my main hurdles right now. That and being able to accept the terminology of what his relations with this person is.
 
Have you ever enjoyed sex? With someone other than him? Because, it's hard for me to imagine enjoying sex with someone who finds any part of my body unappealing, especially when it's a kind of key component in my sexual gratification and interaction.
 
I've never enjoyed sex, no. And he's actually the first person I've been with that's made me orgasm. I've only ever had sex for the bond that you create with someone. It's like a trust that nobody else can have. But the overall feeling of it is unsatisfying.
 
chelsea94 said:
Maybe I didn't explain well enough.. My needs are met within our current relationship.
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Enough to be married? Why not just stay friends? His needs aren't met. I'd be afraid he'd be absent, and checking out more and more from our marriage, if his sex and emotional needs are not fulfilled by me.

And he's not forcing me to accept this choice. It's my choice to want to accept this for him.
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Why not just stay friends?

I feel as though it could help out the pieces that I can't fill. And it's not me being self conscious about how he feels about me, it's just so new, I don't know how to feel about it at all, so these are my initial reactions to the thought. I just don't know how to move past them.
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You don't need to "move past" your emotions when you aren't even sure what they are yet. Take time to feel them, let them sink in, so you can identify them, and explore together what might happen when he's off fulfilling his needs with another. Maybe with the help of a couples' counselor.

He said he was more than willing for me to have a bf too, so it's not one sided, and he truly does mean that this is what he wants. If however this isn't what I want, we'll figure something out, but I do want to give it a try, I just don't know how.
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Give poly a try? For yourself as well as him? Well, go ahead. There is no try, there is only do. Maybe you will both end up with people that are a better fit.

And he does find me attractive, it's just he doesn't like vagina, and we've both accepted this fact as part of our relationship. I'm not a huge sex fan either, so it works out. I just wanted some insight as to be able to move past some of the initial feelings. I don't think of myself any less, and I do know what I want.
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What do you want?

Are you into sex just a little? Do you think you'd be into sex more than a little if you were with a straight guy who thought you and your vagina were super hot and desirable? Let your mind go there. Perhaps your libido is so low, that occasionally getting yourself off is OK with you. But will you still feel left out when your bf is getting it on in a new relationship, coming home all glowy?
 
I think that you need to give yourself time to really mull this over. Your concerns about being replaced or forgotten are valid concerns and you should not feel bad for having them. From my summation, what you are battling with is the question of what do you bring to the table if he starts to date someone else. What makes you irreplaceable. That is something that you need to sit down and discuss with him. Don't get caught up in a conversation that is just him reassuring you that he loves you, ask him directly to give you solid examples of reasons why he cannot replace you and why you are so important to him.

Something that might help you is if you can actually meet this other person and spend some time with them. Maybe the three of you can all go out and grab dinner together. This guy is not going to be perfect and will be flawed just like everyone else in the world. Getting to know him may help you to feel more at ease because you'll be able to see that he is not the idealization that you are worried he will be.

You have said that this is not just about sex for your bf and that he hopes to find some kind of emotional satisfaction with this guy. This means that they are going to be working towards developing emotional intimacy with each other. So one last thing... Please consider that deciding to give this a try means that another person's feelings are going to be on the line as well.
 
Thank you for that link. It definitely helps understand it a little better.

And we don't want to be just friends, you know we've built this relationship of trust, honesty, caring, and a little cliche, but we truly love each other. I've been with men before, who did think my vagina was hot stuff, and there was no traditional satisfaction with this. I truly don't understand the hype of sex, other than that bond. And I don't want to rush through my feelings, but I want to be able to work through them and know my boundaries. The link "poly FAQ" I think has helped me a little.
 
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