How do I ask my boyfriend for a triad?

A

amandaebo

New member
I've been with my boyfriend Caleb for about a year now. We are very much in love and very happy together.

I started university locally last September. I met a girl on my course, Cait, who I really got on with. We would go out have some drinks and laughs. One night we had maybe a little more to drink than usual, and we ended up having an amazing sexual experience together. This was my first experience with another girl. I was amazed by it. In the morning, when I woke up next to her, I didn't regret a thing.

I didn't tell Caleb about it. But I told Cait I had a boyfriend. She was fine with this. She wanted to continue with the fun and suggested a threesome. I'd never had a threesome. I thought yeah, why not? I asked Caleb one night if he fancied going out for a drink. So we did and "accidently" bumped into Cait. We had drinks and went to a club. We all danced and got flirty. At the end of the night, we went back to my and Caleb's's place for more drinks. We generally chatted and got onto the subject of a threesome. Eventually we did all end up in bed together. It was incredible!

We have done this three times since then. I am starting to fall for Cait. I'm still in love with Caleb.

She is living in halls at the university at the moment. I want to ask Caleb if he would consider a triad relationship, and maybe let Cait move in with us.

Do you think he would be ok with this? How could I ask him?

I'm just worried that he will be angry because I am falling in love with someone else.
 
amandaebo said:
I want to ask my boyfriend if he would consider a triad relationship and maybe let her move in with us. Do you think he would be ok with this? How could I ask him? I am just worried that he will be angry because I am falling in love with someone else.
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I think just telling Caleb you are in love with Cait, and 'fessing up to the manipulation of the situation that started with you cheating on him would be a good bet. Maybe you already have

The fact of the matter is that you have made this all happen so far, and there seems to be some need for things to settle. You are in NRE, it seems, and are having a good time. That is awesome. But NRE ends, and stuff starts to arise out of that, that might not have been evident before then. It might end with you telling Caleb the story of what happened. But it sounds unlikely. He sounds like he might be okay with what happened between the two of you women.

Still, he seems to not know, and that is not a good place to start a triad from, at the beginning of something. It's also not a good thing to repeat in the future, I don't think. You are fortunate that this worked out so far. It could've gone very wrong, and he could've been very hurt. Better talk about all that before thinking that your success is what always happens.

The other part is moving Cait in. Wait, I say. There is no rush. As I said, you are in NRE, and that settles eventually. At such time you feel that your lives outside of the bedroom would work together, and that you will all have adequate time with each other separately, then maybe then it might be something to look at. It seems to me that it is far too early yet.

I can't tell you if Caleb will be angry. That remains to be seen. He could be just having a great ol' time getting off on having two women in bed, or he could genuinely love the idea of poly, which boils down to other stuff in relationships, when all is said and done. Not the sex. I don't know, and neither will you, until you talk to him and her, separately and together.
 
I agree with Redpepper. It is far too soon to move in together. Say it doesn't work out-- would you just kick Cait out? I'd advise you to do some reading on "unicorn care."

Also, did I understand correctly that Caleb is not in love with Cait? Jealousy isn't alleviated even if he gets to sleep with her too, if he sees that the two of you have a strong emotional connection he and she don't share. Moving in will make all problems that surface that much more intense. Do you have space for her? Should everyone have their own room? How to split living expenses? Cooking shifts?

Come clean to Caleb. Enjoy dating! There is plenty of time to argue over who left the socks in the drier in the future, if the three of you work it out. Also, triads can't be forced. Right now, it looks like you are the hinge on a vee, with Caleb occasionally being let in on the fun. His emotions may well change when he hears that this isn't just about the sex, for you.
 
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First, confess, and be honest with him about how this all came up, how you feel, what you want and why.

Second, study up on poly.

(One and two may be interchangeable, but both need to occur before proceeding.)

Third, discuss polyamory with Caleb, if it still seems pertinent.

Fourth, discuss with Cait if it's still an option after 1-3.

Fifth, discuss between the three of you what the "boundaries" would be, including terms for protecting her from being out on her ass and homeless if the relationships break up.
 
I will tell Caleb tonight how it all came about, and see if he still is ok with it. I will also introduce him to polyamory, and see if he is on board. I would happily start a family with them both. I just really want to be with both of them all the time. That's why I thought I'd suggest moving Cait in. I've talked to her about it and she's on board, just concerned about asking him.
 
amandaebo said:
I just really want to be with both of them all the time. That's why I thought I'd suggest moving Cait in.
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I know! You are up to your neck in what polyamorists call New Relationship Energy. We could just call it being in love. However, being so in love, as you currently are, is a sure sign that intelligence, reason and consideration have all been put to the back-burner for now. It's not a good time to overhaul your entire everyday life.
 
I spoke to Caleb tonight, and he is very on board with it, which is great! I told him I spent a night with Cait before the threesome, which he was ok with too. :)

I called Cait and told her, and she sounded very excited about it. However, she suggested involving another female friend of hers. She said it would just be for fun. But I'm not sure whether that would work.

Do you think it would be possible to make things work in that situation?
 
This is sounding like it's more about sex than polyamory. That's not a problem, but it could get confusing for someone, if there is the expectation of romance and relationship in other ways. If you all want to get together and just have sex, then all the power to you, but it might be helpful to clarify. It sounds, to me, that for her there is not much more here than a friendship with sex. Adding another sounds like it would be more of that. More communicating is needed, me thinks.
 
We have decided to go ahead with the moving-in thing and just keep it with the three of us. I know it might be soon, but I know we will all be very happy together. Cait and Caleb get on really well, and know they will fall in love. I love them both to bits and can't wait to start a family together!
 
So happy for you! Do keep us posted on the developments.
 
amandaebo said:
We have decided to go ahead with the moving-in thing and just keep it with the three of us. I know it might be soon, but I know we will all be very happy together. Cait and Caleb get on really well, and know they will fall in love, I love them both to bits and can't wait to start a family together!
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Hi Amanda,

Okay, you decided to take the plunge against all the wise advice of others here about moving in together. That might be okay. Every situation is unique, so nobody can view through the crystal ball.

However, a word of advice for all-- when you live together, silly little things that were easily overlooked when you were more independent can balloon into monsters. A hair left in the sink. A dirty dish on the coffee table. Music differences-- style or volume. The list is endless.

Get talking and practicing now how you are going to resolve things in a peaceful manner going forward. Make a commitment to not hold things in until they fester. That's the biggest and most common mistake.

This isn't unique to a triad (or more) living together. It's part of even two people living together. It's definitely a practiced skill. If you grew up in a large family, you're probably better prepared for this. But if not, it can be a real learning experience.

Be aware that a lot of relationships that work fantastic in the bedroom fail and break up in the kitchen.

GS
 
I think something that has helped me enormously with adjusting to living with other adults is to curb my imagination. People don't always mean what I think they mean when they say stuff. It is my imagination that fills in the blanks, comes up with ironic tones of voice they are not using, hearing accusations where there are none to be found, or interpreting the following sentence: "Eww, who left the hair in the sink?" to mean "Blackunicorn, you are a disgusting person, who keeps leaving her hair all over the place. How can you do this to me? I think because of this hair I found I can never love you again."
 
Amandaebo,

It sounds to me like you guys are all pretty young and getting caught up in all this exciting sexual energy. It seems that all these relationships are primarily sexual, and fairly casual, considering how easygoing your bf is about everything. I know it seems like it's love, but you haven't known each other very long. I keep getting the feeling you would be better off focusing on your studies than trying to form a family right now with someone you've only been with a few times. Come back to earth!
 
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