How do I deal with this?

P

pursuitofhappyness

New member
I am in a poly marriage. I know I shouldn't have read it, but I opened Facebook to get on my own account, and found that my husband's page was open. His messages were there to read, so I did. I didn't like what I found. I read messages he has been sharing with his gf, and they are so over the top of how much he loves her, and how they have this awesome electricity, and how just thinking about her makes him smile.

These are things he never says to me. I know I shouldn't have read it. It was so stupid of me. But now I can't shake the insecurity I am feeling.

I just want him to treat me with the same respect he gives her.
 
His relationship with her is newer, right? Of course there's a different kind of excitement there. Just because he says things to her that he doesn't say to you does not mean he doesn't love you deeply, and does not mean he doesn't respect you. Let him have his infatuation. If you met a new bf tomorrow, you'd likely be gushing, too, and saying things you don't say to hubby. Let it go... it's a different relationship, and be secure in what you have.

Until you found that, were you feeling happy and satisfied? Well, go right now and make a list of ten things that make you happy about your relationship. I am sure it will be very easy to find those things you're grateful for.
 
I agree... but

Thanks for the reply. I agree that a newer relationship should be full of energy and fun. However this is a person that he was involved with before, and we separated over his relationship with her. He lost all perspective on our marriage and family. She came first.

They stopped seeing each other before because it got too intense, and her husband and I were not happy with what it was doing to our marriages. I had already left him when they stopped seeing each other, and then he wanted to make our marriage his priority.

I allowed this relationship to happen again. I have no idea why. And now I fear I am going to pay the price of hurt and frustration once again. I am feeling quite foolish.
 
Is he treating you differently since he's been back with her? Is your relationship with him healthy? I suggest you stick to what's relevant, especially since you admit that you just looked at his messages on a whim, and not because you had other evidence that he was hiding something from you or being deceptive (and even if that be the case, there are other avenues to explore without resorting to "self help" at the first opportunity). Do you think it's necessary that he know you snooped in his FB? If you truly do have a problem with what you read, then I venture the suggestion that there is something else bothering you that has nothing to do with the girlfriend, although she does make a convenient scapegoat.

But I don't know you and you didn't share many details, so I'm just running the last of the caffeine off the top of my head.

"Caffeine" doesn't follow the "i" before "e" except-after-"c" rule... I tried to do it like that and spell-check yelled at me.
 
nycindie said:
So, you have a rule that he is not allowed to have feelings for anyone else? I would say you need to find a way to reach compersion.
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That's easy to say, Cindie... Partnered poly peeps NEED to get a handle on how their NRE is affecting their primary's feelings. If he's riding roughshod over his wife's feelings (for a second time!) and neglecting her needs, the ball is in his court to pay attention to her, even shower her with attention. We see on RobertCourage's thread how often married polyamorous people (men and women) just go ahead full steam with their new person and pretty much completely forget about their primary (and even their children). It's not right. It's WRONG.
 
Hi again PoH,
In your other thread, you wrote:
pursuitofhappyness said:
And now we are back together. We decided after working on our marriage, that poly was the life we wanted to have. I told him I could deal with being poly, but I could not deal with the life we had before, and if it became that again, we would not work. He agreed. He has been seeing other people, as have I, and it has been good.

However, now he has started wanting to be with this woman again, who he has remained strictly platonic friends with. I have been against this because of what happened in the past. I began working on my insecurities and fear, and decided finally that I needed to allow him to have the relationships he wants or there will be resentment. So he is with her again. He says this time is different. But I feel a pulling away and distance.
Click to expand...

I bolded specific sentences to point out a few things:
You said that you two have been working on the relationship and things are good.
You said you both wanted poly this time around.
You said you are aware that your fears and insecurities are centered on the past, not the present.
You said that you want him to be happy and not resentful.

Now, remember, if it's polyamory you signed up for, and not just an open marriage, you have to accept that love comes into play. You have diligently done work on your relationship, and made room in your life to cultivate multiple loving relationships. Are you going to take it all back because you are remembering the hurt from what happened before, when you both were different people with different goals? You said you've been seeing other people yourself. Have you been holding yourself back from falling in love because underneath it all you really don't want love to be in the equation?

People do change. Relationships do evolve. See what is, not what was. You can't drive a car always looking in the rear-view mirror. If you feel he is distancing himself, that could be your fears playing on your mind. Or it could be that he is just focusing on his relationship with her and is a bit caught up in NRE.

Either way, talk to him about it. Tell him you are afraid to see the same thing happen all over again, and ask that he move more slowly this time.

Also, you said in your other thread that she is a friend. Go out with her, talk with her, develop a relationship with her, so that she doesn't become some big threat looming in your mind.

Find ways to nurture and nourish the romance and love between you and your husband without pointing fingers or claiming ownership. Take care of yourself, and look at the part that still hasn't forgiven him for what happened before. This is what I mean by working toward compersion.
 
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pursuitofhappyness said:
I am in a poly marriage. I know I shouldn't have read it, but I opened Facebook to get on my own account, and found that my husband's page was open. His messages were there to read, so I did. I didn't like what I found. I read messages he has been sharing with his gf, and they are so over the top of how much he loves her, and how they have this awesome electricity, and how just thinking about her makes him smile.

These are things he never says to me. I know I shouldn't have read it. It was so stupid of me. But now I can't shake the insecurity I am feeling.

I just want him to treat me with the same respect he gives her.
Click to expand...
I have had several online relationships that are exciting, but turn out to be unexciting in person. The textual connection is, IMO, its own thing. Someone who gets what you write, and writes you back in a way that is stimulating, is special, but it may not translate beyond text. Instead of assuming your partner is doing things that he fails to do with you, you could look at it as him doing something online that he can't do in person. The way he expresses himself to you in person may be the most he can muster in face-to-face contact. If he meets with her in person, the textual relationship may not translate at all.
 
I did this too, tonight, actually. I saw a message from Meg (hubs' gf) on what I thought was my Facebook, but turns out it wasn't mine at all. I read one thing Harlan said and closed out fast. I admit it was an accident at first, but I read the whole sentence after I realized it was his picture up, not mine. I didn't want to read the rest because my heart can't take reading anything they say to each other.

This is the second time I have seen something they have said, and both times it was something that hurt me. I am starting to worry that everything they say to each other would hurt me. He said something along the lines of he could be with, or talk to, anyone else in the world, but nothing compared to holding her in his arms. Or something gooey like that.

Maybe I am just backwards, but I try not to say something to my OSO John that I think would hurt Harlan to his core like that. I am not even going to mention it to him, for starters, because I am sure he will read it on here, but because I don't want him to think I read his messages. Meg has asked me before if I read his messages, or if I am psychic. I'm not sure what she meant. But she says I have an uncanny way of bringing up the same subjects that they had just talked about. I promised her (and Harlan) I don't.

All three Meg, Harlan, and I, have the same kind of phone. Last night I picked up one of them and it was Harlan's. I instantly handed it to him, as he was standing right there. He went to his messages, in front of both of us, and deleted all of the messages Meg had sent him. I felt like he didn't trust me, and/or that he was saying things about me that might hurt me. I really try to give them privacy, but it seems like they still don't trust me. Or at least he doesn't.

It is hard to hear the man you gave your life to say something like that to someone else. It is harder still to think that he really feels that way. I knew when he fell in love that I would not longer be primary to him, that I would share that role with Meg. But wow, talk about a knife to the heart. It is just one of those things that I am trying not to dwell on. I know he loves her like that, so some words on the screen shouldn't shock me that way. I don't expect him to say all that gooey stuff then say, "Well, and my wife," because that would just be wrong on many levels.
 
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LHLH, I think these reactions indicate much deeper problems than being caught snooping. I gotta wonder why people sign up for polyamory when they cannot handle their partners having feelings for others.
 
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Thanks, everyone, for your replies. I wanted to respond to a couple of things.

First of all, he has known this woman for 6 years. He has always been attracted to her, and they have always shared a connection.

Second, he completely flew off the handle when I told him that I looked at his messages. He was seeing this woman before I knew they were in a physical relationship again. To me, that is cheating, not polyamory.

Third, yes, I do have insecurities, and I know that I have signed up for polyamory, which consists of loving others. I am fine with him loving others. What made me angry was that I didn't know they were in a physical relationship when these messages were sent. He was supposed to be at work, or hanging out with other people during the dates of these messages.

I'm trying... I just cannot handle being lied to. And I don't deserve it. I'm very supportive and allow him to love whomever he wants.
 
We all just toss out what comes to mind in the spirit of being helpful. You determine what applies, what could be helpful, and what is not.

That being said, it does seem that honest communication is an issue. I think if you keep on expressing your fears, expectations, disappointments, and anger, and encourage him to do the same, something constructive and good should come of it. I wonder why he does not feel safe being truthful. Perhaps he is holding onto some guilt from before and was hiding his actions to avoid confrontation.
 
pursuitofhappyness said:
I allowed this relationship to happen again. I have no idea why. And now I fear I am going to pay the price of hurt and frustration once again. I am feeling quite foolish.
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You "allowed" it. I think there is something you are not getting here. You didn't allow him to, you chose to be with him when he also loved another. I wonder how much you understand what he feels. I guess you can really work on it all, now that you know how deep his love is. That is not something that should be frowned upon, but celebrated. Love is better off expanding, rather than controlled and made to be scarce in our relationship lives. He loves her, but he has realized that his marriage is also as much to love. How he expresses that is different because it is different.

I think if I were in your position I would never read his stuff again, give him the benefit of the doubt... Maybe she is just needy in terms of hearing that kind of thing... Maybe that is her way of feeling loved is to hear it. If it is yours also, I suggest you tell him that. No need to expect him to know. Ask to be spoken to that way!
 
Well, I still must dissent. It seems to me this Other Woman puts her husband into such a tailspin, he loses all sense of moderation and proportion. He started up a "physical relationship" (fucking?) again with her, without his wife's knowledge or consent?

Quibbling aside over her use of the word "allowed," he is not being open and honest to his primary. That's just a big no-no.

And, once again, she feels:

a pulling away and distance.
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Seems sketchy to me.
 
Well, I posted some suggestions earlier in the thread, but they weren't acknowledged. I think these could help (if I do say so myself), so what does anyone else think:
nycindie said:
People do change. Relationships do evolve. See what is, not what was. You can't drive a car always looking in the rear-view mirror.

If you feel he is distancing himself, that could be your fears playing on your mind. Or it could be that he is just focusing on his relationship with her and is a bit caught up in NRE. Either way, talk to him about it. Tell him you are afraid to see the same thing happen all over again, and ask that he move more slowly this time.

Also, you said in your other thread that she is a friend. Go out with her, talk with her, develop a relationship with her, so that she doesn't become some big threat looming in your mind.

Find ways to nurture and nourish the romance and love between you and your husband without pointing fingers or claiming ownership.

Take care of you, and look at the part that still hasn't forgiven him for what happened before. This is what I mean by working toward compersion.
Click to expand...
 
nycindie said:
LHLH, I think these reactions indicate much deeper problems than being caught snooping. I gotta wonder why people sign up for polyamory when they cannot handle their partners having feelings for others.
Click to expand...

I don't think that's a fair statement. It's one thing saying to your partner, "Yes, I'm happy for you to be in love with another person," but it's another thing completely for that partner to ignore your feelings because of their own.

It is the responsibility of anyone in a polyamorous relationship to take into account both partners' feelings, and not just regard the new partner as being owed something. NRE is hard to handle when it's so intense, and especially when you're being asked to take away everything that stands for your relationship with your partner (e.g., take the kids out of the house) so that they can focus all their time on the new partner.

NYCindie, the rest of your advice is really good. I just feel a little spark of objection at that comment sat all on its own. heh. Don't think I'm having a go at you!

Personally, OP, I've been in pretty much the same situation (except his new partner was also my own), but we haven't broken the relationship off. He's still ridiculously sneaky about his messages. Although I'd never deliberately "snoop", everyone leaves their Facebook open, and mistakes can be made. Some of those mistakes have been him saying things like, "I know we've got a baby together, but I just don't love her [me] as much as I love you." And he still acts like I owe them the time together, regardless of my feelings. But things can change.

What I did was keep nagging him about my feelings until he started to see what the problem was. I tried pushing it aside, tried hiding it, tried sugaring it so it wouldn't make him (or her) feel bad, but it didn't work. So I just thought, "Fuck it! Why should I be the one suffering when I'm supposed to be a part of this relationship?" I hated doing that, because I didn't want to feel so much like I was imposing on him, and like I was in control, because, like some have already said, one partner isn't implicitly in control.

But don't have to feel like you have to give up your happiness for his. You have as much right to your comfort, and your boundaries, as he does to his. If it's bothering you, the best thing to do is to openly, face to face, in front of them both, perhaps, talk about it. Let them know how it feels to be in your position, and let them know before it starts again.

It might not ever be that way again, and I hope sincerely that it isn't, because relationships do grow, but I'd say that you should clear the air and tell your husband exactly how you felt last time, and discuss with him a way to ensure it doesn't happen again.

For me, that was asking Mr.V and Ms.V not to have sex while I'm left with our daughter, asking that if they want some time alone together that I can be considered and asked with some notice so that I can make plans to be with other people, instead of sat on my own in a heap of negative emotions. And I asked them to consider how it would feel to be the one who's not involved in the intimacy when I am around.

Love shouldn't feel like a contract, but it shouldn't have to hurt anyone either.

x.S.x
 
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pursuitofhappyness said:
I am in a poly marriage. I know I shouldn't have read it, but I opened Facebook to get on my own account, and found that my husband's page was open. His messages were there to read, so I did. I didn't like what I found. I read messages he has been sharing with his gf, and they are so over the top of how much he loves her, and how they have this awesome electricity, and how just thinking about her makes him smile.

These are things he never says to me. I know I shouldn't have read it. It was so stupid of me. But now I can't shake the insecurity I am feeling.

I just want him to treat me with the same respect he gives her.
Click to expand...

Hey Pursuit,

First, please, don't take it personally. I suspect it's quite likely he HAS said such things to you in the past.

NRE is such a nasty thing. Passion of ANY type always runs the risk of running over us.

I really do understand your hurt. I've been through this. I think most people in poly lives have, to various degrees. Until you learn to keep perspective on it (if you ever can) I suggest you adopt a DADT policy in regards to his interaction with others. The words/facts in your face are just a bit too much. Don't read his mail. Don't listen to his conversations.

Eventually, hopefully, you'll get to a place you can smile, even giggle, at how cute it is, because it will pass... Hang in there.
 
I guess my gf and I are lucky we were both experienced at poly (her especially, since she has always been poly, but I had experience with it for 10 years before she and I met).

We both know what NRE does to a person. So, somehow, when one of us gets a new hot lover, we manage to keep the NRE in proportion, and still remember how in love with each other we are, and still manage to have lots of intimacy, long philosophical discussions (not just the "Did you take out the trash, pick up the groceries?" type of convos), cuddling, kissing, creative sex and fun dates.

In fact, somehow, when one of us is in NRE, that passion leaks over to each other, as well, enhancing and not reducing our passion for each other.

Gosh, if all newbie polys were just aware of this one thing, the intense, completely overwhelming hormones of NRE/infatuation, we might not even need a board like this!
 
Magdlyn said:
In fact, somehow, when one of us is in NRE, that passion leaks over to each other as well, enhancing and not reducing our passion for each other.

Gosh, if all newbie polys were just aware of this one thing, the intense, completely overwhelming hormones of NRE/infatuation, we might not even need a board like this!
Click to expand...

I was aware of this even in a monogamous relationship, only I couldn't talk about it, because it would have created insecurity in my partner. How do people think that monogamous relationships get new energy? How many people can live in social isolation with a single person with no new stimulus and keep the relationship interesting?
 
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