How do I even start to explain??

Lilyan said:
It was one of my weaknesses too. I'm still working on it too, at times. I'm sure you are working on it very well :)
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I like to think so...if I wasn't improving then I wouldn't have left the church!
I stil need to email the leaders to tell them I'm not coming back though...
 
well, why do the leaders need to know? (unless you are scheduled for stuff, I guess its polite to let people know you are stopping with that)

You have a choice to go or not go. Just dont go?

Im a people pleaser too, but when they insisted I pay them before my credit card debt, was the day they took advantage of me too much. I never went back.
 
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bassman said:
well, why do the leaders need to know? (unless you are scheduled for stuff, I guess its polite to let people know you are stopping with that)

You have a choice to go or not go. Just dont go?

Im a people pleaser too, but when they insisted I pay them before my credit card debt, was the day they took advantage of me too much. I never went back.
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I'm very involved in church and as my family will still be going (my husband and young children) then questions will be asked. I'm part of the worship team and there was talk of me becoming a leader in that area (I just adore singing, it's my passion) and I do children's work because I have children and I also manage their websites, and design all their graphic design stuff and I help with the decorative maintainence of their new building. So....yeah. It makes it a bit trickier. I will have people messaging me and people showing up at my door lol. They won't let me go easily. Seriously.
 
yes you are right, it will need some resolve on your part.

I dont think they deserve an explanation other than -

" I am going in a new direction, and will be stepping down from my duties as xyz. I think I would prefer to stop now / I will be stopping in xyz days/weeks to give time for a replacement to be found"

Something like that would be polite enough?

You could even just email the people you would like to inform.

THEN you can look forward to the amount of time you will have available for YOU and YOUR family. !! Its something to look forward to
 
bassman said:
yes you are right, it will need some resolve on your part.

I dont think they deserve an explanation other than -

" I am going in a new direction, and will be stepping down from my duties as xyz. I think I would prefer to stop now / I will be stopping in xyz days/weeks to give time for a replacement to be found"

Something like that would be polite enough?

You could even just email the people you would like to inform.

THEN you can look forward to the amount of time you will have available for YOU and YOUR family. !! Its something to look forward to
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They have been very understanding and are currently giving me space. Now trying to decide whether to reply to the letter my mom wrote to me. I don't want to JADE but at the same time, I feel so sad for her that she views me in the way she does. I want to put her mind at rest. So maybe that is my next step. And then there will be the bigger step of telling my husband that I'm poly. He is pretty chilled out about my change in beliefs.
 
What is JADE?

BTW, I am pagan/atheist and raised my 3 kids that way by example, while letting them know their spiritual lives were up to them. A year ago my younger daughter found Jesus (age 26 at the time) and got born again. I accept that for her, since she has Borderline Personality Disorder and is getting black and white rules and reassurances from her fundamentalist church that seem to help her keep calm and centered. For her, the idea of God's forgiveness for her sins is very important, since she gets so down on herself. She also seems to love the idea of Satan, "the Enemy," inspiring her "bad" thoughts and desires.

I just let her be and try not to discuss it. Jesus is better than the crack and alcohol she used to abuse, so I just keep out of it. Maybe she will mellow out over time.

It's a shame when parents get all bent out of shape when their kids make choices in life that they wouldn't make. Do they really expect all their kids to be outright clones of them? It's so ridiculous.
 
Magdlyn

JADE = justify, argue, defend, explain.

As in "Do not JADE" when you make a choice or decision for yourself and other people are making a fusspot about it like circle conversation. The only way to step off a merry-go-round conversation that goes round and round is to stop adding to it. Not participate like "We've had this conversation before. My choice is final. End of discussion" and be done with it.


Journeyofawakening said:
Now trying to decide whether to reply to the letter my mom wrote to me. I don't want to JADE but at the same time, I feel so sad for her that she views me in the way she does. I want to put her mind at rest.
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Her mind at rest or YOURS because you feel sad?

It's ok to feel sad that mom's having to digest things and needs time to do it in. So do you!

Don't short change either of you. Give both time and space. Kvetch OUT, not in.

Maybe express how you feel about mom's letter to someone else outside this circle?

Galagirl
 
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Journeyofawakening said:
They have been very understanding and are currently giving me space. Now trying to decide whether to reply to the letter my mom wrote to me. I don't want to JADE but at the same time, I feel so sad for her that she views me in the way she does. I want to put her mind at rest. So maybe that is my next step. And then there will be the bigger step of telling my husband that I'm poly. He is pretty chilled out about my change in beliefs.
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To reply to the bolded sentence: I am afraid you are not capable to do that. It is really her inner job to put her mind at rest.

If you decide to continue the conversation she has started by writing a letter, my advice is: keep your responses simple. Address one tiny part of all the issues in one letter, and see how she reacts. If you write everything in one letter, there most likely is waaayyy too much things for her to digest.

Now I am talking with my own past experiences in mind. I understand that you are sad for her that she views you in the way she does. I was there once, too, with both my parents. I tried to explain myself, but soon enough realized that the task was impossible. They were not able to change their view on me without losing the faith they had, and the church community - their tribe. Yes, I read your posts about the tribal shame.

In my case my parents had the choice of either putting the shame on me (actually, it was worse than just shaming, but not more about that) OR take all the same shame on them from the church. They chose to be loyal to the church. Their tribe was more important to them than their daughter. Now, I am not saying that you will necessarily face this, but it is one of the realistic options.
 
Journeyofawakening said:
They have been very understanding and are currently giving me space. Now trying to decide whether to reply to the letter my mom wrote to me. I don't want to JADE but at the same time, I feel so sad for her that she views me in the way she does. I want to put her mind at rest. So maybe that is my next step. And then there will be the bigger step of telling my husband that I'm poly. He is pretty chilled out about my change in beliefs.
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like!!
 
You ladies are right. I won't be able to put her mind at rest. And I guess writing a letter back would be JADEing. But I feel a need to stand up for myself I guess. She has judged almost every part of my character. She acts like I'm just like her, and I'm not.
 
Nadya said:
Now I am talking with my own past experiences in mind. I understand that you are sad for her that she views you in the way she does. I was there once, too, with both my parents. I tried to explain myself, but soon enough realized that the task was impossible. They were not able to change their view on me without losing the faith they had, and the church community - their tribe. Yes, I read your posts about the tribal shame.

In my case my parents had the choice of either putting the shame on me (actually, it was worse than just shaming, but not more about that) OR take all the same shame on them from the church. They chose to be loyal to the church. Their tribe was more important to them than their daughter. Now, I am not saying that you will necessarily face this, but it is one of the realistic options.
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Im so sorry that you had to go through that. And Mags is right, our children will never be clones of us. Religion seems so wrong in a lot of ways.
 
Journeyofawakening said:
But I feel a need to stand up for myself I guess. She has judged almost every part of my character.
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Yes, you should stand up for yourself - in your heart. Do convince yourself that you are a good person, the faults your mother finds in your character are either not true at all or actually not faults - just parts that are against her religion and thus unacceptable. Do talk to good people who understand you and do not judge.

Let time pass, live your life being true to yourself - and she might come along some day in the future. Most often after the initial shock people start seeing things a bit differently, and being more accepting. At least this is what I hear happening around me.
 
You ladies are right. I won't be able to put her mind at rest. And I guess writing a letter back would be JADEing. But I feel a need to stand up for myself I guess. She has judged almost every part of my character. She acts like I'm just like her, and I'm not.
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"Standing up for yourself" is doing your self care.

In this situation? When someone has a bucket of crazy, you do not go jump to swim in it. That is HOW you best take care of you.

You do NOT engage with a person who

  • has an unsettled mind
  • Judges you
  • will not SEE you as yourself, a person in your own right.
  • Thinks you are a copy of her

If she comes round the kindest thing you can do for BOTH of you is to hold the limit.

"I see you are upset, I'm not the guy to process that with. I encourage you to see a counselor. This topic is not up for discussion."​

Then check out.

I know it can be hard to do that.

But you could accept your personal limitation. Most people are NOT counselors, and even if you were? Treating your own mom would be a no-no. You could refer her to someone else, but you yourself would not treat her.

Could do same here.

Galagirl
 
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Okay, I will be writing a letter to myself. I will write down all the ways in which she is wrong about me, and what I believe to be actually true about myself.

Thank you for your support everyone. The next big thing will be telling my husband that I am polyamorous. It'll have to be soon too because I feel like I'm hiding a huge secret and I don't want that between us.
 
If you write about all the ways she is wrong about you? Your focus is still HER and her weird. Could skip that part.

Might be more direct to write about all the ways you are a worthwhile person and the traits you value in self and others. What you bring to relationships/friendships/familyships. What you want to receive. Then move on to what boundaries you hold -- what you do/do not put up with from people. How you want and expect to be treated by you and by others.

Then if someone else comes along and behaves poorly, or you start to veer away from your values? You have it to pull out to refer to, clearly articulated.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
If you write about all the ways she is wrong about you? Your focus is still HER and her weird. Could skip that part.
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GalaGirl, mostly I very much agree with your advice. However, I do not see answering the mother's accusations in a letter to oneself as a harmful act that should be skipped. I think Journey could possibly do both - defend herself against the mother's weird *and* write about all the good about herself and her core values.

When I had to unwind all the brainwashing from the church, I really took one statement at a time and proved it wrong - to myself. Here I see the mother also representing the church, and it might be worthwhile to look into her statements as well as the church's teachings.
 
Im glad to see you have the courage to continue this journey based on the value you place on yourself!
 
GalaGirl, mostly I very much agree with your advice. However, I do not see answering the mother's accusations in a letter to oneself as a harmful act that should be skipped. I think Journey could possibly do both - defend herself against the mother's weird *and* write about all the good about herself and her core values.
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I mean skipped for now. Come back to it much later when it is NOT fresh in the mind. Otherwise there's a risk of ruminating on it too much and spinning one's wheels, fueling one's upset.

That's the order I would do it in. Focus more on ME and articulating my boundaries/values first. Then cool off a lot more and write an unsent letter to process the Mom stuff at THAT point in time.

Galagirl
 
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