my husband told me to look elsewhere for sex. He feels like he's cheating on her. I'm the one going without cuddles or sex.
Tia, I took this from another thread that you wrote on, as I think it gives more information.
He thinks he is cheating on her? How can that be so? You are his wife. I don't get it. She lives with you. He has sex with her only?
This man sounds very controlling and manipulative. Did you consent to this relationship, to her moving in, to them being together and you being left out? That is what I wonder.
This sounds selfish, disrespectful, and controlling. Yet you have a part in that too, because you agreed to it when you didn't object strongly enough to stop it from happening, at least the parts that you didn't want. At the very least, I wonder how much you fought for your needs being met. It might've meant that he would've left because he just wanted his own way. I suspect that perhaps you thought it was better to have some of him rather than none, because you love him. But honey, you ended up with nothing and get to watch him have something! That's worse, I would imagine.
I don't think I have ever heard of a situation where someone has decided to compromise themselves to death where it hasn't ended in that person watching their world fall apart right in front of them. The other completely disrespecting them and torturing the them with their actions because of that disrespect. It just seems to be the way! Really, standing up for oneself, demanding that one is respected enough that the other consider their feelings and needs is just far more attractive and sustainable in the long run. I say attractive because often it seems the partner who is demanding finds a new attraction for them and new respect for them in standing up for themselves. Yeah, it's hard, but really, when faced with what you have now, Tia, is this not harder?
I would suggest calling all parties together, putting on the table that you are unhappy with how this has worked out and saying do not wish to go on with it. I think I would have written out all the things that are not working for you and that you wish to have changed. Use your compassion for their love as a guideline, as much as your own needs. Both are worth respecting. Then see what they say.
Don't back down when they get all up in arms, because that will happen. Chances are, they aren't going to like what you have to say. But you have a right to have your needs being met, and if they aren't going to budge, then it's time to go.
Dating is not going to solve this, I don't think. It doesn't sound like you have a strong enough foundation of your own sense of self worth to successfully date and not be used. I hate to say that, but having dated and seen what is out there, I am fairly certain that either the men you seek won't be attracted because your self worth needs some work as a result of living with a husband that has a live-in new wife and has abandoned you (if you are honest with your dates, which eventually you will have to be, this will become evident), or they will just want to fuck you and not call the next day except to fuck you again. The latter is what I fear the most.
I would love to just wrap you up in a bubble and protect you from that, because the dating scene is nasty and cutthroat, and has an agenda more times than not. Passive women, as you seem to be, end up with more controlling men, who will just want to rescue the kitten up the tree, rather than actually love you and consider you an equal in your relationship. More of the same, no?
Why not get on the bandwagon of your life? Decide to make some changes that suit you. If this doesn't work out with your husband and his new wife (I call her that because it seems you have been replaced), then get a place of your own, and start living again. Or better yet, get some roomies. Roommates can be great to have fun with and confide in.
Embrace yourself, love yourself, treat yourself. Start making YOU the best love of your life. You are worth it. That is where good relationships start!
I have been out of the dating game 14 years. I would be happy with someone to cuddle and make love to me, no strings, treat me like I'm important, just let me feel free to let go and trust again.
