How do I tell my husband I want and need open relationship

J

Jstar

New member
Hi I have been married a few years but have been with my party for 10 years. It was always known and communicated that I am bisexual and need to be with women too, however in the last few years I have discovered what I truly am is polyamourous. When my husband and I got married we were experimenting with an open relationship and had a girlfriend while we were engaged. It seemed like we were both on the same page about wanting to explore and experience non monogamy but over the last few years I have expressed that I want to experience being in an open relationship like we had talked about and he acts like we never discussed those things and has gotten more and more closed off to the idea and extremely judgemental about it even though when he wanted to be with our girlfriend without me I gave him full permission to do so. I have tried over and over again to talk to him and help him to understand I am poly and I am not being true to myself pretending not to be. I have expressed this but each time he shuts me down saying he could never be ok with me being with other men even though that is not consistent with the life we talked about before we got married. I love him very much and want to spend my life with him but I feel like a wild animal being forced to live in captivity. I can not go on much longer pretending to be something I am not. I need to experience being in an open relationship and I need to figure out how to tell him this without making it worse causing him to shut down pushing a wedge further between us. I am starting to really resent him for not loving me
enough to let me experience what I need to experience when I am willing to do that for him. I can't carry this weight any longer. How do I start this discussion in a way that he understands it does not mean I love him any less? I am really unhappy carrying this weight around and am desperate to find a way to communicate this with him. Please help! Thank you
 
Hi Jstar,

It is very difficult when we enter, and progress through, a relationship thinking that we've covered certain ground only to later find that what we thought we signed up for is no longer the case.

Unfortunately, change is the nature of relationships and human beings. So often we expect situations to forever remain the same, yet they very rarely - if ever - do.

I'm hearing that you feel resentful because you made certain allowances for your husband early in your marriage, and your husband isn't willing to make the same allowances for you now. I'm also hearing that you feel you signed up for the possibility of non-monogamy, but your husband insists that it was never 100% on the cards.

In my opinion, the most effective way forward right now would be to address what is current and validate what has passed.

Current:
Whatever you explored or talked of in the past, the current situation is that you have a strong desire to explore polyamory and he has a strong aversion to the idea.

Past:
You can both acknowledge that you're not seeing eye-to-eye on things that have/haven't been discussed. You can validate each other. You can say to him "I understand that you feel we left this behind us and you feel we never discussed it. I know that this is daunting for you and it isn't something that's easy to hear." This way, you show empathy and understanding. He could connect with you by saying that regardless of what has or hasn't been discussed in the past, he sees that you want this now. You could show him this post.

As it stands, it seems like he's not so much shutting you down but that he's actually given you his answer: he can't see himself being able to handle poly.

What you now need to determine is whether he's willing to discuss it further or whether that is his absolute answer. There is no point in trying to persuade him or talk to him about poly until you find out if he's even willing to engage in that discussion.

I don't think that it's necessarily fair or accurate to assume that he doesn't love you as much as you love him. It could be that he is not as secure as you are, not as poly-minded, or that he feels he's tried non-monogamy and found it wasn't for him. He could equally assume that you love him less than he loves you since you're unwilling to forsake all others like he is willing to do.

How do I start this discussion in a way that he understands it does not mean I love him any less?
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I would literally communicate to him that you need to arrange to talk to him about something important. Ask him when would be a good time (make sure neither of you are over-tired, hungry, cranky, etc.). Don't just launch it on him. When you're having the actual conversation, stay calm, loving and empathetic. Ask if you can say your piece, if he can listen quietly, and tell him that you will listen quietly to his thoughts afterwards.

Start by telling him how much you love him. Acknowledge and validate that things may not have been communicated clearly over the years. Tell him that you understand that this is hard for him, and that you don't want to lose him. Then tell him that you have decided polyamory is something you want and need to explore. Tell him that you would like to know if he's up for discussing it before the two of you make a decision on what to do.

Then sit back and listen to his response. Every time you want to interrupt or you find yourself thinking of responses instead of really hearing what he's saying, actively listen. Do nothing but listen until he has finished. Then relay to him what you have heard - demonstrate that you have listened and that you understand where he is coming from.

If he makes accusations or tries to draw you into arguments over semantics ("we never discussed it" "you weren't clear" etc.), ignore it. Let it pass you by. Don't get caught in the details. Stick to the here-and-now in your own mind. You don't have to agree on the past, you only have to decide what to do with your future.

Incidentally, why did you two break up with the girlfriend? I wonder if something happened there that is contributing to his aversion to go back to non-monogamy?
 
Thank you so much

Wow thank you so much! Everything you wrote is incredibly helpful. You are right I should not assume he loves less just because he loves in a different way than I do. I am really scared because I truly do love him more than words but I love myself too- and don't want to have regrets and if I don't ever let myself explore this zit will be one, a big one-And ultimately I feel that poses a great risk to our marriage than anything.
As for our girlfriend, she was quite a bit younger than us and though that didn't really matter on its own it was clear she was willing to give up her dreams for us and we knew that wasn't best in the long run. She only lived where we did part time and had to move back home 5hrs away for school and we just knew she needed to do that for herself even if she couldn't see it at that time. We are still friends and she indeed did thank us later when she understood.
I am going to read what you wrote over and over as I prepare to start this conversation. I hate confrontation but trying to ignore my heart is not working and I don't want to end up cheating. I also don't want to lose him or make him unhappy but I don't want to be unhappy either.
One contributing factor I didn't mention is that over the last two years I lost 60 pounds and have gotten in shape and definitely feel a lot hotter. Strangely though he seems to be the only one who doesn't really notice or care. He's just not interested in me. For the last year I tried everything to entice him and nothing worked. Meanwhile everyone else is telling me how beautiful I look and stuff but he doesn't. Part of me thought our relationship would improve by me losing Weight. I thought he'd be attracted to me again. At times it even seems like he could be cheating but it doesn't make sense why you'd cheat on someone who would allow you to be with someone else-unless just he wants his cake but doesn't want me to have mine. However I think it is more likely he is just feeling insecure, afraid that I want to leave him when thats not what I want at all.
Thank you so much for your time and thoughts. I am going to do my best to really take into account everything you said. I know it is really good advice. I was scared to join but now I am really glad I did. Thank you so very much!!!
💜
 
Proceed from strength

JStar,

I'm going through the same process right now but my partner, my wife of 20 years, has never been interested in being poly or having an open relationship. Over the year's I've had lots of really intimate and emotional relationships with both men and women and she has been supportive and tolerant of my need to have lots of rich intimacy in mind and heart in my life.

I'm preparing to open up our relationship in the sexual dimension, but the course I'm taking is to spend a lot of time and attention making our relationship stronger. This process has really showed me what I am getting and what I'm not getting from my current situation. The result is that our relationship has become deeper and more stable, but that it is still clear to me that I need to have more partners because my appetite for intimacy of the mind, heart, and body is large. I am happier when I am involved in a meaningful way with two or three partners who want the same kind of intimacy as I do.

I just don't see how our marriage will stay together our relationship is opened up out of a power struggle. I am seeking to make our relationship as strong as possible so it can be opened up out of love, out of a desire to support each other's happiness.

What will I get out of an open relationship?: The intimacy I need to be happy. What will my partner get?: A sense of relief that the unacknowledged frustration between can end and she doesn't have to worry that she has to be everything to me. If she feels my strong commitment and how deeply I want our life together to last, I am hoping that she can see that I need to be involved with other women in a sexual dimension as well as on the mind, heart level.

If this doesn't happen from a place of love, all the tensions that ensue will tear us apart. I've see this happen so much in this forum when a relationship is opened up out of a power struggle.

My idea is this: How can you strengthen your bond with your husband? How can your husband benefit from becoming open? Can you open up from a foundation of love?
 
What are your reasons for believing he might be cheating? If you have strong reason to believe this, it is not at all unusual for him to want to have an open relationship on his side and to keep you at home not enjoying the same thing. Your need to practice poly sounds like it's crushing you in which case it may be necessary for you to really put your money where your mouth is and give him a time limit to get on board and at least do some learning with you about polyamory. Maybe give him 6 months. After that time see where you two stand and perhaps progress to a separation if he is still adamant.
 
I am starting to really resent him for not loving me enough to let me experience what I need to experience when I am willing to do that for him.
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You are making yourself upset thinking that he doesn't love you. It is possible for him to love you without being into the things you are into.

The things you do in love are "free." The do not come with strings like "tit for tat" expectations. If you are doing things to show your love expecting things in return... that's tit for tat expectations to me.

I have tried over and over again to talk to him and help him to understand I am poly and I am not being true to myself pretending not to be. I have expressed this but each time he shuts me down saying he could never be ok with me being with other men even though that is not consistent with the life we talked about before we got married.
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Have you asked him if this is not a good time to have this conversation, when could be good time and set an appointment? Would Friday at 8 PM work for him?

If he is doing stonewalling behavior, that's not tending to the marriage nor to the individuals within it. Hopefully he just needs some time to gather his thoughts. So i encourage you to make an appointment. Then he can not shut down from "being ambushed" by heavy talk and you can relax knowing that while not this second, the conversation time IS coming and you aren't being blow off entirely. Could that help?

When the time comes... ask him if he still aligns with the life you talked about before you got married? Or if he's changed his mind on that? Sort this stuff out between you.

I can't carry this weight any longer. How do I start this discussion in a way that he understands it does not mean I love him any less? I am really unhappy carrying this weight around and am desperate to find a way to communicate this with him.
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Maybe something like

"Thank you for setting time to talk with me.

We seemed to be on the same page about exploring non monogamy before. The actuality is that we are practicing Closed right now. I would like to return to exploring. I wanted to give you the heads up. Did you want to tweak or update agreements or are you are still fine with previous agreements of _____?

I also wanted to talk about my thoughts on agreements. I would like to add/change _______."​

Keep it simple. Stop making it be about "love" and who loves who "less" or "more." Just keep the focus on the agreements that are working/not working at this point in time.

Talk about contributing factors in the same simple way, but schedule a separate date for that. Don't overwhelm yourselves. Maybe make a list of bullet points together and agree to talk each week for 30 min till you knock it all out. One of yours and one of his.

Then nobody is flooding or tired. Manageable bites and not marathon talking.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Jstar,

I actually wonder if your husband originally thought you just needed a poly relationship with a woman, whereas now you are wanting the freedom to pursue something with another man. Has that always been your interest, and has he always known it?

He seems to be determined to not hear or understand you. It's almost like he is covering his ears and yelling, "Nah nah nah nah nah!" I think you will need him to listen more receptively before you can tell him you want to open the relationship. Hopefully talking about it at scheduled times, for fixed amounts of time, will help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Ah yes, the ol' double standard. I'm dealing with this with my husband now who is bi and has yet another male lover (which I love). He says it's okay for me to have a girlfriend, even fall in love with her, but doesn't even want to talk about me or us having a boyfriend. Honestly my only advice is to try to reason with him by 1) seeing what his fears are about you having another man and 2) try to figure out if those fears can be assuaged before you make a move towards opening up your marriage. That's what I'm doing now and although my husband is still saying no to me having a boyfriend, he is starting to open up about some other things that may make that possible down the road.
 
Thank you all!

Thank you all for your helpful tips and suggestions. I have come to the conclusion that there will never be a right or comfortable time to have this discussion and honestly kind of wondering if he does that on purpose cuz I know he knows something is bothering me that I've been trying to talk to him about and he is making himself excessively busy to push me away and also make me feel guilty about. He definitely likes to play the guilt card. I am making myself sick over this and really just can't keep carrying it. I am planning on trying to talk to him tonight and say that I am poly and I have tried to deny that even tried to change that about myself but I can't and not being true to myself is making me and him miserable. I'll remind him that when we went into this marriage we both were open to exploring non monogamy and that somewhere along the way that got lost and communication faltered. I'll make sure he knows I love him very much and want to spend my life with him but that I need to be true to myself in order to be true to him and honestly I think being open could make our relationship a lot better. I'm hoping he will be receptive to what I have to say and that it will be productive. If he closes off and shuts down again than I have a difficult decision to make- be true to myself or be true to him cuz if he's not willing to try than I can't have both. I hope he will be open minded and at least willing to give it a try. Wish me luck. I am scared, terrified actually but literally can't go on like this any more. Thank you all for your thoughts. I really appreciate it and hope I replied right so you all can see it. Much thanks.
 
I hope the honest talk happens and goes well.

He doesn't have to agree. But he could listen rather than avoid/run away/block communication. That sounds like it has been frustrating you.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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Wishing you luck Jstar.
 
Did it!

Wow I'm so excited! I faced my fears and had the talk and it went as good as I possibly could have hoped for! Thank you all for your very helpful input. For anyone in a similar situation it may ease your mind to know all of the problems and things standing in the way of our happiness stemmed from miscommunication. As soon as we were both gut wrenchingly honest all the walls came down and we agreed this is best for our relationship. We still have to work out some guidelines which I'll be looking on here for examples but as of now I am in an open relationship for the first time in my life!!! True to myself and my partner. Soooo happy!!!!
 
That's great news! :D
 
Jstar said:
Wow I'm so excited! I faced my fears and had the talk and it went as good as I possibly could have hoped for! Thank you all for your very helpful input. For anyone in a similar situation it may ease your mind to know all of the problems and things standing in the way of our happiness stemmed from miscommunication. As soon as we were both gut wrenchingly honest all the walls came down and we agreed this is best for our relationship. We still have to work out some guidelines which I'll be looking on here for examples but as of now I am in an open relationship for the first time in my life!!! True to myself and my partner. Soooo happy!!!!
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Wonderful news, happy for you and hope it progresses well.
 
Devastated Lost and confused

I don't understand. I went about everything the right way. I didn't cheat. I took all the courage I had to sit down with my husband and have the talk. I literally could not have been more clear that I wanted an open relationship and he agreed and even seemed excited by the idea. I was so happy I couldn't believe it but thought finally we were making progress. Then thinking everything is ok and I had full permission to do so I went on a dinner date with a guy and got home to the firing squad. All the sudden he was angry and beyond ridiculous demanding to know who I was with and what I was doing. I reminded him that we agreed we didn't need to know everything in which he then says he never agreed to any of it at all, that he thought the talk was about being poly with women which doesn't even make sense because we have ALWAYS been poly with women. Even before we dated I was very clear that that was part of who I am. His logic is completely irrational and doesn't make any sense. He agreed to the open relationship and even seemed into it, and now is pretending like he never agreed and is treating me like a criminal and threatening to leave me. You can imagine my shock. I didn't go behind his back, I talked to him, we made an agreement and so I thought I had full permission to go on a date. He says I wasn't clear but I KNOW I was. There would have been no reason for the talk if it was just about women. I don't understand how someone can agree to something one minute and stAnd in front of you the next denying they ever did. Then he starts in with the guilt trips. I have been injured too long and he is mad I haven't been able to do laundry with a torn deltoid muscle in one arm and a sprained wrist on the other hand. He doesn't even think about the pain and how upset I am to be injured. The reason it can't heal is because I have to keep doing dishes and carry heavy groceries. But the real problem is I've never been happier the last few days. I thought finally our relationship had a chance, that we were on the same page and things were getting better only to now have him go back on our agreement when that is not fair. He already agreed and doesn't deserve to verbally abuse me for doing something I got permission to do. I thought finally I could be my true self and be accepted and now before it's even begun he is trying to rip that away. It's unfair and borders on abuse. What kind of manipulative sociopath am I dealing with? Who has a whole several hour discussion and then flips out over a simple dinner date and denies ever agreeing to everything we talked about? Not to mention being super underhanded and attacking me for my most vulnerable attributes. Like anyone wants to be injured especially a professional dancer/athlete. I am feeling incredibly confused and devastated. This isn't fair in any way. This is why people cheat. I did the honest thing and came to him and talked it out and thought we were in agreement and now he's saying I played him m. How?? Playing him would've been going behind his back and seeing other people without telling him. Now I don't know what the point in telling him was if he was going to agree just so he could abuse me about it later. Verbal not physical but still feels like abuse. I don't understand and it's not fair to ask me to lock my heart back up in chains after I final set it free. I was finally able to be true to myself and him . I am devastated about this and don't know what to do. I honestly don't understand how there could be any confusion when I went out of my way to be extremely clear. What do I do now? I don't want to go back to an unhappy closed relationship but I want us to work out like I thought we were. I am crushed and beyond confused. Please help!
 
In your post after your talk you said you still had agreements to work out. Did you have another conversation that covered detailed agreements? Did you discuss that you already had someone in mind you were ready to go out with? When you say you have "always' been poly with women are you saying there has been other women in your life since the girlfriend you had when you were engaged? If any or all of the answers are "No" then your husband may have been reacting out of shock thinking things were still in the discussion/planning stage where the two or you would feel your way slowly into things. I don't think that excuses his tactics by any means, but angry, hurt, people do not always choose the most effective communication tools. When I fell in love with my Significant Other I was in anguish and never would have said a word of it to him. After a number of discussions about my confused feelings, my husband said "You are in love with him. Go ahead. As long as you are honest with me I am ok". I was surprised but it seemed quite clear so after a couple of weeks of squaring my own emotions and thoughts in the matter I told my Significant Other that I returned his evident feelings. A couple of weeks later my husband said "I did not mean it when I said that" and I believe he still claims that I misunderstood. Luckily both of them are remarkable people and we have worked it out, but it I was absolutely floored when my husband said he he did not expect what followed his telling me to go ahead.

Leetah
 
I'm sorry about your hurt and confusion. There obviously was miscommunication.

1. You claim that it's obvious men were included otherwise why have the talk. Did you specifically say "I will date and make love to men." Or did you just talk about poly in a general sense and refer to lovers or partners? What is obvious to one person may not be so to another, especially when you have tunnel vision from heightened emotions and all you can hear is your blood pumping.

2. He may believe that you were not really emotional with women and your discussion about poly moved you from swinging with women to including emotions and commitment with them.

3. Maybe he knew you meant men but was completely bowled over by the speed at which you acted on it. Maybe he was not ready. Perhaps he needed further and clearer communication about when where and with who you're going to be with.

His actions seem to suggest he feels cheated on regardless of whether you feel that is true or not you need to treat him with the same tenderness that you would if it were true. His emotions are legitimate no matter how misguided. Regardless of whether you feel this is true or not, you need to apologize to him about the miscommunication.
 
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So you had the conversation and then were out with another guy 2 nights later even though the details hadn't been worked out yet?

If I were him I'd probably feel a bit steamrolled with this whole thing. And maybe think you already had this thing all set up even before you had the conversation.
 
Jstar said:
He says I wasn't clear but I KNOW I was. There would have been no reason for the talk if it was just about women.
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Aw crap. I'm sorry you're going through this, but for me, this line stood out. You are describing an inferential leap here. (1) SINCE we are already open to women, (2) THEN any talk about opening MUST be with regards to the other gender. I hate to say it, but that is not clear communication. At all. I agree with the other posters in that I can very easily see how your husband may have thought he was agreeing to the pair of you going back to exploring women, possibly even only in a sexual way, since it has been a while since you last had a girlfriend.

In other words, he may not have even agreed with you about premise 1, therefore the 'leap' to conclusion 2 was way out of left for him. His line of reasoning was probably more like (1) we used to be open to other women in our relationship. (2) Jstar would like to return to that. (3) I'm also open to that.

The question is, now that this miscommunication has happened, what are the pair of you going to do about it? I agree, he should not express himself in an abusive way, so that needs to stop - either by him controlling himself, or if he cannot, you leaving the room/seeking a safe space. Right now, you see his reactions as a massive over-reaction. In order to get any resolution, you both need to understand the other's position. So that's where I would start. You know there was a miscommunication, so that's one piece of the puzzle. You can hopefully come to see how you each interpreted the conversation differently without either one of you needing to be 'right' - because neither of you *are* right here. You just saw things differently. I do think you moved from 'agreement making' to 'action' very quickly, and perhaps you need to look at that in more detail though. If you did know this chap and have some feeling that you'd like to date him before having your conversation with your husband, why didn't you bring that to the table at the same time? Does it seem to you like it makes no difference whether you open up with a person in mind? Does he agree? I think you have more to talk about in that arena in order for you to understand why he reacted the way he did.

There are clearly other tensions building in your relationship too. His lack of sympathy for your injury. Your building resentment at his expectations that you do all the house stuff. And so on. I found the fact that you immediately connected his outburst to the fact that you were happy that week - like his resentment stems from there rather than anything you've actually done - to be one of the most troubling aspects here. Do you really think he would react that negatively to your happiness? That's a really sad thing. I hope you can get to a place where that's no longer the case, but it sounds like you guys really have a lot of history of feelings not expressed and fuck-ups (hey, they happen) not fully repaired. As a stoic Brit, I almost never give this advice, but maybe it's worth trying to find a counsellor or at least a neutral third party to help you both work through this. It sounds a lot more complicated than 'I did something he didn't like and now he's lashing out' to my uneducated eye.
 
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