How do I turn anxiety around sex into compersion for my partners?

A

Andrealussier

New member
Hi everyone, I’m new to this website and polyamory; only a year in. I love the idea of polyamory, and I’ve been enjoying it, but these past couple of months I can’t wrap my head around my partner (male) having sex with his other partner (female). Thinking of it gives me so much anxiety. It makes me feel sick knowing that they are getting intimate, having sex, sleeping naked together, etc. Any tips to self-regulate these thoughts into compersion instead?
 
Hello and welcome.

I think @kdt26417 has an amazing collection of links on anxiety ready for you!

For me, emotional management is always hard, so I hear you.

I think you could try the counterintuitive: Go deep into the anxiety, and find your worst-case scenario. Feel it and make peace with it. Realize that even if it happens, you will survive (and not only that, you have options to choose from to make your life amazing again).

I would not try to convert jealousy or anxiety into compersion directly. Make peace with anxiety, and/or find ways to be happier in the relationship. See if compersion arises on its own or not. It's not mandatory, you know. ;)
 
Last edited:
Andrealussier said:
Hi everyone, I’m new to this website and polyamory. Only a year in. I love the idea of polyamory and I’ve been enjoying it but these past couple of months I can’t wrap my head around my partner (male) having sex with his other partner (female). Thinking of it gives me so much anxiety and makes me feel sick knowing that they are getting intimate and having sex and sleeping naked together etc. Any tips to self regulate these thoughts into compersion instead?
Click to expand...
Are you also dating and having sex with others?

Is this a new relationship of just two months that your partner has with his other female partner?

Why had you been enjoying polyamory for a year but it's just recently that you're facing anxiety around sex?
 
Hello Andrealussier,

You have to do things for you (when he's with her), you have to do things you enjoy that he would not want to do. Watch movies he wouldn't be into. Treat yourself to food he wouldn't like. Take a walk if that interests you, in other words just do things that make being by yourself enjoyable. Also you might consider composing some affirmations you can repeat to yourself, such as that you know he loves you, he isn't going to leave you (for this other gal), etc.

I don't have any collection of links on anxiety, but here are my links on jealousy which is one kind of anxiety:
Let me know if I can be of more help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
I don't have any collection of links on anxiety, but here are my links on jealousy which is one kind of anxiety:
Click to expand...
I'm sorry, I meant to write jealousy!
 
I’ve found that small things that help me relax before and after tough emotional moments make a big difference. Deep breathing, journaling, or even using THCA distillate on high-anxiety days gives me the space to sit with my feelings without reacting so fast. It helped me separate my fears from what my partners were actually doing and feeling.
 
Compersion is nice when it happens, but it isn't a requirement in polyamory. It's okay to feel glad your partner enjoys time with their other partner, but it's also okay to feel neutral or nothing about it.

If reaching comparison is too big a leap, it's okay to work on reducing your anxiety about partner spending time with other partner to "nothing or neutral," if that's a more manageable step right now.

Thinking of it gives me so much anxiety. It makes me feel sick knowing that they are getting intimate, having sex, sleeping naked together etc. Any tips to self-regulate these thoughts into compersion instead?
Click to expand...

I imagine you'd have to unpack these thoughts in order to change your mind and start thinking differently. What are they? Are you comparing, wondering if they are better in bed than you? Something else?

I don't know if anything here helps.

kathylabriola.com - UNMASKING THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER: MANAGING JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS In my counseling practice, I work with many people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships is
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
web.archive.org

Galagirl
 
Great question and answers.

The golden rule is something you can apply here. And it goes a little beyond treating others the way you would want to be treated. If you are with someone else out of love, compersion happens later when your primary dates. If you are with someone else to get what is not available at home, then when they go out there is fear of 1,000 things. It is a karma thing driven by how you think of it.
 
Andrealussier said:
Hi everyone, I’m new to this website and polyamory; only a year in. I love the idea of polyamory, and I’ve been enjoying it, but these past couple of months I can’t wrap my head around my partner (male) having sex with his other partner (female). Thinking of it gives me so much anxiety. It makes me feel sick knowing that they are getting intimate, having sex, sleeping naked together, etc. Any tips to self-regulate these thoughts into compersion instead? I tried the nudify anyone here and it’s shockingly good! Upload a photo, and in seconds, you get realistic results. The interface is simple, privacy seems tight, but the free plan’s watermark is annoying. Fun tool, use ethically!
Click to expand...
Your anxiety is valid; jealousy can hit hard. Try journaling your feelings to pinpoint triggers. Communicate openly with your partner about your emotions without blame. Reframe their intimacy as a positive part of their happiness, not a threat to yours. Practice self-care—meditation or hobbies—to ground yourself. Reading The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola helped me shift toward compersion. It takes time, but focusing on your own joy and connection can ease the discomfort. You’ve got this!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top