How do you handle being the obvious second fiddle

newandsad

New member
I know that there is no equality in polyamory and that hierarchy exists in some way shape or form, even if you're practicing RA. So someone is bound to be second favorite or secondary - in terms of how much time that person gets, the obvious affection one partner might receive over another, how close they are, etc. How do you deal with being the one who cares more/loves more over a long term period of time? It stings when that person still wants a high level of engagement from you via some sort of contact, but you're constantly reminded that you're second fiddle in conversation in various ways on a regular basis, how they prioritize their time, etc. I know that I'm supposed to be completely overjoyed that they choose to spend time with me, love is infinite, etc., but the regular reminder that I'm not as loved as someone else is hard to endure over time.
 
Hello Max,

That is hard to endure, I am sorry you are stuck with the role of secondary. You do have rights, even as a secondary, don't let your partner treat you as a second-class citizen. As a person, you should be treated with equal consideration as your metamour. Tell your partner you expect to be treated right.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
It stings when that person still wants a high level of engagement from you via some sort of contact, but you're constantly reminded that you're second fiddle in conversation in various ways on a regular basis, how they prioritize their time, etc.
You are totally not obliged to maintain that level of engagement. Especially if they put you down :(
 
I have ended every relationship where I felt I loved them more than they loved me (or vice versa), mono or poly. Find partners where you are on the same page. Those are the ones that last and make you happy. Even if the love is little, it's great when you both feel the same way.
 
I break up and leave. That's how I would handle it.

I know that there is no equality in polyamory and that hierarchy exists in some way shape or form, even if you're practicing RA.

Things do not have to be perfectly equal, but there DOES need to be respect and it DOES need to be a healthy relationship.



It stings when that person still wants a high level of engagement from you via some sort of contact, but you're constantly reminded that you're second fiddle in conversation in various ways on a regular basis, how they prioritize their time, etc.

No, thank you. I am not up for giving lots for weird put downs or verbal abuse in return. That is not worthwhile.

I know that I'm supposed to be completely overjoyed that they choose to spend time with me, love is infinite, etc.

Um... no. I am to going to be "completely overjoyed," like I'm supposed to be "grateful" for whatever scraps of attention they give me.

but the regular reminder that I'm not as loved as someone else is hard to endure over time.

Nope, not going to endure.

The peace I have being alone and on my own-- I'm not giving that up for this kind of thing. Sharing time and love with a partner is supposed to ADD to the quality of my life, not TAKE AWAY from the quality of my life or drain me.

Galagirl
 
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How are you reminded of it? Is it them lecturing you to know your place, or more them sharing information about their lives that reminds you that they have other commitments?

Some pretty strong words are being used to describe your partner's actions, like "abuse," and referring to them "putting you down." Is that an accurate description of what is going on?
 
I know that there is no equality in polyamory and that hierarchy exists in some way shape or form, even if you're practicing RA.
That has not been my experience. My partners and their other partners are my family/extended family. I am not practicing Relationship Anarchy, but my close friends are important too. Sure, we all have to take our turns. Sometimes it's like triage, like, whose needs are greatest right now? But that's how families work. If you have a spouse and several kids, you do have hierarchy because the smallest youngest children's needs come first. But otherwise, everyone's needs are important, and it just takes work, patience, care and skill to meet all needs as best you can.
Someone is bound to be second favorite or secondary - in terms of how much time that person gets, the obvious affection one partner might receive over another, how close they are, etc.
No. Many of us practice non-hierarchical poly. But if you LIKE hierarchical poly, where you're the secondary, and see your partner less often, that can be satisfactory. If you've chosen to be a secondary, maybe you WANT more independence. Maybe frequent physical touch isn't as important to you. Maybe you're someone else's primary, or you have many children, or you're doing elder care, or have a very demanding job, or you travel a lot. Maybe you're introverted, and are okay with just doing Facetime dates rather than in-person dates, much of the time. Then, being a secondary could be great! But if you WANT to be a primary/co-primary, and your partner can't offer that, you're going to feel unsatisfied and frustrated with them forever, so you should move on.
How do you deal with being the one who cares more/loves more over a long term period of time? It stings when that person still wants a high level of engagement from you via some sort of contact, but you're constantly reminded that you're second fiddle in conversation in various ways on a regular basis, how they prioritize their time, etc. I know that I'm supposed to be completely overjoyed that they choose to spend time with me...
Bullshit.
The regular reminder that I'm not as loved as someone else is hard to endure over time.
If you aren't getting what you need, move on. Don't go on what you're "supposed to" feel and do. Listen to your heart.
 
How are you reminded of it? Is it them lecturing you to know your place, or more them sharing information about their lives that reminds you that they have other commitments?

Some pretty strong words are being used to describe your partner's actions, like "abuse," and referring to them "putting you down." Is that an accurate description of what is going on?
Multiple avenues: They told me multiple times in different ways that their other partner was their best friend and the person they were closest to, this partner knew about our relationship bumps but I didn't know anything sensitive about them in return, the person cancelled time together to keep spending time with other partner, they broke an agreement, lied about why the agreement was broken, and lastly shared some of my most vulnerable personal information with them without my consent.

Then there are the things that aren't technically unethical but sting on top of what was mentioned above -- like prioritizing time and giving more time to the other partner rather than me. I know anyone can decide what time and capacity they want to give to another person and there is no "fair" but sometimes when there is a clear imbalance it *really* hurts.
 
the person cancelled time together to keep spending time with other partner, they broke an agreement, lied about why the agreement was broken, and lastly shared some of my most vulnerable personal information with them without my consent.
I literally don’t understand why someone who did all this is still your partner, even without any “fairness” issues at all.
 
Multiple avenues: They told me multiple times in different ways that their other partner was their best friend and the person they were closest to, this partner knew about our relationship bumps, but I didn't know anything sensitive about them in return, the person cancelled time together to keep spending time with other partner, they broke an agreement, lied about why the agreement was broken, and lastly shared some of my most vulnerable personal information with them without my consent.
Yeah, I wouldn't accept any of this.
Then there are the things that aren't technically unethical but sting on top of what was mentioned above -- like prioritizing time and giving more time to the other partner rather than me. I know anyone can decide what time and capacity they want to give to another person, and there is no "fair," but sometimes when there is a clear imbalance it *really* hurts.
My boyfriend Aries has made the decision (from his heart) that I am his primary, and he informs anyone else he tries to date that this is the case upfront. He tells them we spend our weekends together, so new partners may not get much, if any, weekend time. He does usually spend part of one weekend a month on other partners or platonic friends, after checking in with me, but he just really likes to be with me from Friday evening through Sunday evening the majority of the time.

Therefore, you could call his attitude hierarchical. He is best suited to other partners who can do midweek dates, after work, or who only want to see him once a month on a Sunday afternoon/evening.

My other partner Pixi is my nesting partner, but she spends half her week "nesting" at her bf's house too. So, she has two "primaries," Malachi and me, and I have two "primaries," Pixi and Aries.

In your case, was your bf upfront that he had a primary, with whom he lives or spends most of his free time, and therefore would only have X days/hours a week free for you? Did you agree to this? If you were aware and agreed to it, then it's on you to ask to renegotiate that now, if it no longer suits you. Maybe you thought he'd just naturally want to, and be able to, spend more time with you after a certain amount of time, but he's still content with the original agreement.
 
Multiple avenues: They told me multiple times in different ways that their other partner was their best friend and the person they were closest to, this partner knew about our relationship bumps but I didn't know anything sensitive about them in return, the person cancelled time together to keep spending time with other partner, they broke an agreement, lied about why the agreement was broken, and lastly shared some of my most vulnerable personal information with them without my consent.

Then there are the things that aren't technically unethical but sting on top of what was mentioned above -- like prioritizing time and giving more time to the other partner rather than me. I know anyone can decide what time and capacity they want to give to another person and there is no "fair" but sometimes when there is a clear imbalance it *really* hurts.
Your "partner" sounds like a jerk. Why are you even with this person? Have some respect for yourself.
 
Your "partner" sounds like a jerk. Why are you even with this person? Have some respect for yourself.
Even if it was true, that partner is a jerk and that op needs to raise their standards. I don't think telling someone they have no self-respect accomplishes anything besides making them feel awful. :/
 
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