How do you know if you’re actually poly?

A

aaron-

New member
Hello, everyone!

I'm Aaron, first time posting here.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about polyamory and wondering how I can know if I’m truly a polyamorous person. I’m a 28-year-old married man with a wonderful wife (32yo), we have been married for a little more than 5 years and I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery lately, trying to understand myself on different levels.

I consider myself an easygoing, friendly, and positive person. I have no trouble talking to people and generally enjoy socializing. The thing is, this sometimes becomes a bit tricky. There have been times when I feel like other women are flirting with me: being touchy, smiley, and showing interest. Most of the time, I assume they’re just being friendly, but on some occasions (especially when I’m out at a bar with friends), women have directly said I'm kinda handsome or asked me about my relationship status.

I always tell the truth—I’m married. Some women seem a bit confused by this, while others ask where my wife is. This has been happening more often over the past ~18months than I was used to, and honestly, it’s been making me think. My wife and I have talked about it, and she mostly laughs it off, saying, "Oh it's because you're such a charm!"

However, about three weeks ago, I was at a bar with coworkers and met someone (not from work) with whom I really clicked. I found it surprisingly difficult to reject her. That’s when I started seriously questioning things. I came home as usual and had an honest conversation with my wife about it. I told her that, sometimes, I feel a desire to just let things happen with other women if it were possible. I also shared my curiosity about what it would be like to open our relationship or explore something new with other people.

At first, she took it lightly and was even a bit excited, but later, she became emotional about it. I completely understand why, this was never a consideration when we got married, and I would never do anything to hurt her. To me, this was just a curiosity, and I wanted to be honest about it.

The next day, when I came home from work, she suggested we try something different, going to a private erotic mansion. She said that if I was looking for more sexual experiences, that would be the place to explore, and she would feel safer in a controlled environment like that. However, after reading about the place, I realized that it felt like too much for me.

Right now, we’ve put the conversation on pause. We’re taking a step back, avoiding bars and social outings for a bit, just to let things settle.

I’d love to hear your perspectives. Am I overthinking this? Am I just experiencing a phase of curiosity? Or am I being an asshole for even bringing this up?

Thx!
 
Hi!

First, polyamory is just one option within the wider world of ethical non-monogamy. There is not much in your experience yet to tell if you might be even remotely interested in polyamory - having multiple ongoing loving relationships at the same time, with the (hopefully joyful) consent of all participants. This forum specializes in polyamory.

Second, the wish to explore more of our sexual energy is totally natural, and most monogamous people will feel it sooner or later. For many people, keeping the couple closed or opening up is not an orientation, but a lifestyle choice.

Third, I think you wife's suggestion is a good one. Try to meet people. Go to a place where ethically non-monogamous people are, and just watch and talk for the first few visits, then read and talk some more at home. There might be a polyamory discussion group in your vicinity, that private (swingers?) club, perhaps a bdsm dungeon if you are even slightly into that (they also tend to have talk events), or possibly some tantra for beginners - usually there's an element of exploring contact with other participants lightly, and the workshop environment makes it naturally time-contained, so it's a good laboratory to start at as a couple.
 
I know I am polyamorous because from adolescence (edit: actually before adolescence; I had two "bfs" when I was 9, both named Doug) I would get multiple simultaneous crushes, and then, for a period when I was about 19, I had several bfs at once and it felt natural. I did couple up and marry young (because I am older and having multiple partners really seemed impossible as an adult), but monogamy always felt constricting. I am also pansexual and really like having one female-presenting partner and one male-presenting partner, but androgyny is great too. I myself am non-binary.

I felt there was something wrong with me for a long time, but around Y2K I discovered the modern polyamory movement and didn't look back.

It's interesting so many women seem to come on to you at your after-work bar visits. I'd say you should stop drinking after work and go home to your wife, and figure out what the heck is happening to you. ;)
 
Something to think about:

The woman you connected with in the bar is probably NOT polyamorous. Most of the women who flirt with you in the bar are probably NOT polyamorous.

Most people (in our current world) are monogamous and looking for a monogamous relationship. Some people might be willing to cheat with a married person, either for no-strings-attached sex or in the hopes they'll leave their spouse. But most monogamous people, including the cheaters, are horrified and put off by open or poly relationships.

So, you could go on a journey, and decide you want to be polyamorous, and maybe your wife will decide she supports that, or that she wants to date others herself. But your dating pool will only be other polyamorous/ethically non-monogamous people. Depending on where you live, there may be few dating options in your area.

I mention this because I similarly was drawn to polyamory because I was experiencing a lot of flirting/attention and some casual encounters when going out places in my 20s. When I met someone I liked and wanted to date long-term, I did not want to give up the flirting with others, the possibility of sexy chemistry with strangers, an occasional FWB, etc. So I became ethnically non-monogamous and it felt right to me.

BUT ironically, this meant that dating actually became harder, and there was no more flirting with strangers except at specifically poly events. People I met elsewhere were confused or put off by non-monogamy. In some ways, it was actually very isolating.

That's why there are poly events and poly groups, though, a way for poly people to connect with kindred spirits.

You've been married since you were 23. That's very young. It's normal that you're curious about what might happen with other people if you were free to date them. That doesn't necessarily mean you're poly; however, one of the reasons I philosophically rejected monogamy was because that type of curiosity seems normal and natural, and it shouldn't have to destroy marriages.

But, whatever might happen with women in bars if you were single might NOT be what happens with women in bars if you're in an open/poly marriage.
 
Hello Aaron,

There are two components to being polyamorously inclined. One is that you are able to be in love with more than one person at one time. The other is that you are able to consent to your partner/s being in love with someone else in addition to you. If you have both of these attributes, then you are actually poly.

You might be poly, but your wife might not be poly. It does sound like she would be willing to try nonmonogamy, in a way that she dictates, but it doesn't sound like she would consent to polyamory (which is a subset of ethical nonmonogamy). If that's true, then I guess you have some thinking to do. You're in the early stages of talking to her, so I don't know, I guess it's possible she could change her mind.

Good luck!
Kevin T.
 
@aaron- How are your thoughts progressing? As you are perhaps starting to see, your wish to explore is valid, but its fulfilment, whatever way you choose, tends to be a bit tricky. ;)
 
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Magdlyn said:
I know I am polyamorous because from adolescence (edit: actually before adolescence; I had two "bfs" when I was 9, both named Doug) I would get multiple simultaneous crushes, and then, for a period when I was about 19, I had several bfs at once and it felt natural.
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Thank you for sharing your perspective with me. To be honest, it helps to understand my position a little better.
Magdlyn said:
It's interesting so many women seem to come on to you at your after-work bar visits. I'd say you should stop drinking after work and go home to your wife, and figure out what the heck is happening to you. ;)
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Sorry if I made it sound like every woman in the bar comes to me. It’s more like my friends and I end up meeting the people at the closest table, we all sing awful karaoke, and I end up chatting with one or a few friendly women/guys.

And yes, as I said, after-work visits are completely off the table now.
 
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First of all, I really appreciate all of your replies so far! They’ve helped me understand this better and made me realize how little I actually knew about polyamory and non-monogamy. My wife and I have been having a lot of deep conversations about this, and I’m really grateful for how open and honest we’ve been with each other throughout this process.

As Tinwen said, while the idea of non-monogamy might sound appealing in theory, putting it into practice is much harder than I expected!

What I enjoy most is building connections with people, and if a connection is strong enough to evolve into something stable, sex included, it makes me feel happy, like there’s a mutual sense of trust and support. At the same time, I’ve noticed that the idea of my wife having another meaningful relationship doesn’t really make me jealous, as long as I know about it and feel that the other person truly cares about her. However, imagining a random guy being with her without any real emotional connection or effort to know her, does indeed trigger some uncomfortable feelings—maybe jealousy or frustration. I’m still trying to process why that is.

In these conversations, my wife also shared something about her past that I hadn’t known before. She had what she describes as a “bad experience” in a previous relationship involving a specific kink: stag/vixen cuckold dynamics. I was aware of the general concept of cuckolding, but I didn’t know much about this particular variation. From what she shared, they engaged in it to the point where she felt so empowered that she completely detached emotionally from her ex and ended the relationship. Because of that experience, she’s now afraid that if we try opening our relationship in any way, she might fall into the same pattern and detach from me too. That concern honestly feels like a bit of a red flag, because it suggests that she might not be emotionally ready for any kind of non-monogamy, and that’s something we need to take seriously before making any decisions.

Another thing I’ve realized is that my wife and I see casual sex very differently. For me, I usually need some level of emotional connection to even imagine being intimate with someone. But for her, sex is more like “just sex” most of the time, sounds like as long as she’s attracted to someone, that’s enough. I totally understand her perspective, but it highlights a difference in how we approach intimacy, and I think that’s something we’ll need to talk about more as we figure things out.

All of this has given me a lot to think about, and I’m still working through what it all means for me. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Cheers,
Aaron
 
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It sounds like you'll need to make peace with the fact that for your wife sex is just sex, while you need it to be more than that. If the two of you try ENM, you'll need to be okay with the fact that she does it one way, while you do it the other way. This should be okay, every individual is different.
 
Take your time. Spend a year or two reading, researching and, above all, talking to your wife. Poly and ENM need deep communication skills above all else for relationships to survive and thrive. Don’t jump in before you are both truly ready. FWIW.
 
MoPoly said:
Take your time. Spend a year or two reading, researching and, above all, talking to your wife. Poly and ENM need deep communication skills above all else for relationships to survive and thrive. Don’t jump in before you are both truly ready.
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Yes, this is the usual advice, especially for the poly context. I do agree, but I do also think it is important to find non-destructive ways to wet your toes. (Note that "destructive" very often means starting a relationship with someone and then dropping them because your wife can't handle it, breaking a heart or two in the process.) Watch each other flirt. Go to an event or workshop together. Find out if there's anyone non-monogamous in your circle of friends. It sounds like your wife had some non-monogamy in her past, so she might know some people...

One more thing, it felt a little weird reading about your wife's dynamics, since she hadn't been out about it, even with her own husband, until now, and didn't share details. Please be careful about confiding private details of people you know to the internet. Sometimes people get recognized on the forum. It's normal, and sometimes very helpful in states of heightened emotionality, to get it all out. I'm guilty as charged of exposing dynamics my partner would be upset to have exposed publicly. But there is a privacy and consent issue.
 
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