How do you know what kind of relationship you want?

[LauraCharnas]

Hi Everyone,

I'm struggling with the question of what I want in a relationship again.

I'm 28 and I've liked the idea of polyamory since I was 22.

At this time, I've started dating a guy who lives in an open marriage.

I also fell in love with another man and started a monogamous relationship with him. This lasted 4 years. We broke up because of many reasons, including because I had developed feelings for a friend.

After the breakup, I had a lot of sex with different men, with no feelings involved. My ex was quite boring in bed and I have a high sex drive, so I was happy that I finally could get what I needed in bed.

Now I've developed feelings for a man again. I would like to have a relationship with him. It's pretty obvious that he likes me too. I think he would also want a relationship with me, but of course, he is monogamous. I know I have to talk with him about what I want. If I'm lucky, maybe we could have a chance. The problem is, I don't know what I want.

I haven't thought about relationships for a while. After the last breakup, I was convinced that I never wanted to be in a monogamous relationship again. But now I am afraid of letting this amazing man go, because I don't have much experience with consensual non-monogamy and I'm not sure if I could live this way.

I like the idea of de-idealizing a partner, so they don't have to fit all your needs, but I'm not sure if I could handle my jealousy.

What convinced you that polyamory was the right decision for you? Presumably you somehow heard about it for the first time and could connect to this idea, but hearing about something is so theoretically. Actually living it, you could realize that you don't really want to live that way.

I'm curious what you are thinking. Maybe it would help me decide what I want.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm confused. You said you've started dating a guy in an open relationship, but then later you said you were dating a mono guy.

As for what drew me to polyamory, it wasn't from hearing about it. I was always poly. I was always comfortable with dating more than one person at at time, and I'm old, so this was back during the "Free Love" hippie days. Unfortunately, I went mono and was married and didn't cheat for a long time. But since we broke up, I've been doing what has always felt right to me, being open to having more than one partner. However, for me it was best to be mono while married and having children. I didn't really have time for more than one romantic relationship. Our kids were my priority.

I don't struggle much with jealousy or envy as long as my partners keep me informed about schedules, are trustworthy, are decent folks who have a good moral code.

 

[LauraCharnas]

The guy in the open relationship lived pretty far away. Also, at this time, he and his wife just had a baby, so he doesn't have much time for me.

I've decided to stay with the mono guy.

I'm happy that now you can live the life you enjoy. I guess going back to mono after experiencing free love, must be very tough. I understand that it's easier to raise kids in a mono relationship.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks for clarifying.

Maybe what you're wondering is if you can be in a mono/poly relationship, where your new bf would remain mono while you were poly. These kinds of relationships are possible. He'd need to be on board, though. Some people wouldn't be able to handle it. And he shouldn't do it against his own real will, just to keep you.

 

[LauraCharnas]

I know that poly-mono-relationships exist and that it could work out well, but honestly I think I would always question if my mono partner is really okay with it or if he secretly is suffering

 

[GalaGirl]

Now I've developed feelings for a man again. I would like to have a relationship with him. It's pretty obvious that he likes me too. I think he would also want a relationship with me, but of course, he is monogamous. I know I have to talk with him about what I want. If I'm lucky, maybe we could have a chance. The problem is, I don't know what I want.

I haven't thought about relationships for a while. After the last breakup, I was convinced that I never wanted to be in a monogamous relationship again. But now I am afraid of letting this amazing man go, because I don't have much experience with consensual non-monogamy and I'm not sure if I could live this way.

Ultimately you decide what you want to do / experience.

If you are dating monogamous guy? You don't have to promise to go steady. Even monogamous people don't just jump into that from Day 1. You could be honest about wanting to date other people. There's nothing wrong with a short term relationship if both want that. Like dating for the season, til graduation, the move for work, whatever it is.

And just date however you want. The 20s is a good time for collecting experiences and figuring yourself and what you want out.

I know that poly-mono-relationships exist and that it could work out well, but honestly I think I would always question if my mono partner is really okay with it or if he secretly is suffering

Sometimes people do that in monogamy, polyamory, other relationship shapes too though. They aren't honest with the partner and keep them in the dark about stuff.

You could ASK them and expect them to be honest. If they aren't? Maybe it's better to find that out sooner rather than later?

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

I know that poly-mono-relationships exist and that it could work out well, but honestly I think I would always question if my mono partner is really okay with it or if he secretly is suffering

Well, if you can't trust a partner to be fully honest about how he feels and what he wants, there is no real relationship happening.

Lots of people can be mono and happily have a poly partner. They may only have the emotional bandwidth for one partner. They may truly only be able to love one person at a time. They may be busy enough in their lives with their job, hobbies, kids, extended family and friends, etc. and have no interest in more than one partner.

Of course, you can keep the door open, so that the mono partner knows it's his choice to be mono, but if he ever meets the right person, he is free to date them.

 

[Bobbi]

I don't have much experience with consensual non-monogamy and I'm not sure if I could live this way.

You can try it out. Have a talk with him and let him know how you feel. Let him know nothing is set in stone, but you want to explore freely to see what fits you, and you’d like to explore a relationship with him and see where it goes. Most people are okay being open in the beginning. When the day comes where one of you says they are head over heels and wants monogamy, then you can decide, with the info you obtained while exploring, if you have to be one way or another, whether mono plus occasional flings will work, or any other kind of arrangement.

In my experience, the more honest you are, and the more confident you are in conveying your needs, the more receptive people are to helping you meet them.

I'm not sure if I could handle my jealousy.

Jealousy is just a feeling, a very uncomfortable feeling. People demonize jealousy because we are taught that you shouldn't feel jealousy, almost as if it’s a cardinal sin. It shows weakness and all that bullshit.

On the other hand, media has programmed us to be very jealous, so much so that you should try to control or make demands of your partner to lock it down. This is very unhealthy. Unfortunately, we consume a ton of unhealthy movies and TV for entertainment. People forget it’s entertainment and think that’s the way you are supposed to behave. They think TV is real.

It’s okay to feel jealous, and you can work through it, just like any other emotion. If it felt like love in your body you wouldn't worry about it one bit. We just don't like that feeling in our body and we want it to stop. We can recognize it, acknowledge it, call it what it is, then use tools to dispel it.

There are lots of books and resources to help combat jealousy. It’s a skill to be learned. Over time, it does get easier. Getting reassurance from your partner helps, as does changing the story in your head.

It’s really the thoughts that you make up in your head in response to the sinking feeling in your chest or gut that take you to a very dark place. Those thoughts can lead you down a road of insecurity and despair, or they can help you cope with the feelings in your body.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Laura,

I think you need to really do some thinking, to figure out what kind of relationship you want. It will also help if you learn as much as you can about open/poly. Personally, what laid the foundation for me was the realization that morality is defined by mutual consent. It is not defined by monogamy. When I first heard of polyamory, I knew it was a good idea. Now that doesn't mean that it's right for everyone. You need to invest some time thinking about it, in order to find out what kind of relationship you want. Your history seems to have a lot of falling in love with a second person. This suggests poly to me. Yes, I hear you that you have jealousy concerns, but jealousy can exist in poly, and the poly can still survive. You just have to figure out how to handle the jealousy in question.

Regards,
Kevin T.