How does a healthy poly relationship work?

[Harmony]

I'm married. My husband and I feel in love with another couple, and they fell in love with us too. None of us set out to fall in love, it just happened. We want to know if we can all live together without losing our marriage or our new love.
Any advice on how to make this work? What have you found to be a successful way to handle something like this?

 

[Shaya]

Welcome to the forums. What an exciting and confusing time for you and your partners. Glad you found this website.

The resources we suggest might depend on your (and your partner's) previous experience with non monogamy, experience with previous sex partners, configuration of the polyamory (meaning do all 4 of you have a romantic relationship with each other including the two males, or just heterosexual relationships), how far along the relationships you are, presence of children, long distance, and any number of other facrors you may think relevant.

Obviously, being a public forum, you may not want to be too specific and should probably consider using pseudonyms. If you're hesitant for whatever reason in giving more information, just let us know and we can give some generic advice instead.

Good luck.
Shaya.

 

[vinsanity0]

I'm married. My husband and I feel in love with another couple, and they fell in love with us too. None of us set out to fall in love, it just happened. We want to know if we can all live together without losing our marriage or our new love.
Any advice on how to make this work? What have you found to be a successful way to handle something like this?

I've never been a member of a quad so I'll just make some general comments.

Of course this can work.

What do you mean by "losing your marriage"? Your marriage will be completely different. You will no longer be a couple. You'll both have other partners. There will be at least 4 different couples in the mix.

The newness will wear off eventually. One pitfall I've seen is where one of the members of each original couple decides they no longer want to see each other (ex: your husband and the other guy's wife decide they aren't really made for each other). That can make things messy if the other two are really into each other.

Also, there is the logistics of four people living together. Who pays what? Mingling funds? Logistics of people hanging out with the one who is not their spouse. All that stuff should be talked about before you move in together.

 

[Tinwen]

I haven't been a member of a quad either. So just a few tips we commonly give people:

- Educate yourself about nonmonogamy. Popular poly resources include more than two (webside and book), books Opening up and The ethical slut. Not everything will be applicable to your situation, or not at first sight; but all of you need to do a shift of mindset.
Also, since you've opened this topic, you will probably sooner or later want to consider what style of nonmonogamy suits you best, if your quad is closed or open etc., and then you may need all the information.

- Go slowly. Like, really slowly. Don't even think about moving in together before you are out of the first infatuation (which is thought to last from 6 months up to 2 years). Date. Get to know each other. Get comfortable with the path ahead. After all, you possibly have a lifetime together.

- Realize, that you are in a huge transition. If you're going into this, in some very real ways, your monogamous marriage is over. It was made on certain agreements and habits and following certain role models, which will all have to be reevaluated. What you will be having with your partner now could be considered a new relationship. It is even ok to be grieving the old one for a while.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Harmony,

I suggest that the four of you not start living together right away; just date for awhile. Then, start living together in baby steps. Like, just share living space for a weekend at a time. Then, gradually increase the amount of sleepovers per week. This way you can tell ahead of time if living together will work out. And it will help you go slow in general, which is a good idea with a new poly relationship.

Those are some of my initial thoughts anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Your love for this couple is "new," you say. How new?

Are you all bisexual and sexually involved in every direction? Or is it hetero and you are with both men, the men each have 2 women, the other woman has 2 men?

What if you fall out of love with both members of the couple? (If you are bi.) Or the one member of the couple if that is the case? But your husband stays in love with his OSO(s)? Will you be able to continue being a part of this where he still has one or two OSOs and you only have him? Or will you want to run some sort of veto, that if you fall out of love with your OSO(s) and he doesn't, he has to break up anyway, make them move away, go no contact, or remain platonic friends even if you can't stand the sight of him/her/them?

Just saying " 'We' have fallen in love with another couple" isn't clear enough. You are all individuals, able to fall out of love with any one individual at any time, causing all kinds of ripples of anguish for everyone involved.

It is highly recommended no one (even mono couples) ever move in together until you've dated at least a year. Before that, your mind and body are awash in new relationship sex hormones, causing a bad case of rose colored glasses. We idealise our new partner(s). Also, every friendship is tried and tested by weathering a few crises together, such as: illness or injury, job problems, kid issues (if you have them), issues with older relatives' health, even things like a flooded basement. Will your sexy new partners be there for you in a clinch, and vice versa? It would be safer to find this out before you all start cohabitating. Nothing worse than a fair weather friend.

Definitely share the books Tinwen recommended between you and your husband at least, if not with your new partners. They will cover the issues I mentioned in great depth, as well as many other pitfalls you'd do best to educate yourself about before doing something as drastic as getting a place together with your new partners.

 

[Spork]

I was part of a quad for about a year. It was great. But I am afraid that doesn't mean that I have advice for you. My level of investment was not extremely deep, in the future of those relationships staying the same shape. I was in an evolving and transitory place in my own life, and I was nowhere near ready to commit to Serious Things. Like cohabitation, for instance.

So when it drifted in the direction of friendship, I was ok with that drift.

I do agree with everyone who says to take your time and not make hasty decisions. Not only "wait a while before you move in together" (like I'd say having intimate and sexual relationships and dating for at least a year, if not two, before you talk about living in the same house)...but also I would say after you do move in together, that each person should have a plan in place for if it all goes pear shaped and you've got to part ways. It sucks when the end of a relationship also spells a life crisis because you've become financially and logistically dependent.

I know people who think that having savings and an exit strategy means that you have no faith in love or commitment to making a relationship work, that you are not "all in." No, it just means that you are a responsible adult who understands that the realities of life don't always go the way we want them to.

But I'd give that advice to anyone. Even two partners in a monogamous dyad.

Other than that, it's impossible to speak to this without more information like whether there are kids, or who is relating in what ways with whom...

Best of luck though!

 

[Harmony]

Update! A break?

Thanks everyone for your replies.

We've been doing this for 3 months now. We do sleep overs at each other's houses most nights.
It's difficult because we each have a toddler and we feel like our kids need more stability.
None of us are bi although there was some playing around and experimenting in the beginning, we have mostly just done a swap.

Lately, the new relationship we are in, and the intense communication and honesty we've inspired in everyone involved in the quad has made us face issues in our original marriages that we've brushed under the rug for years and never addressed. It's gotten to the point that the desire to leave our spouses and just be with the other is so intense we've decided to take a break and work on our marriages before they fall apart.

We are all really sad, no one wants to take a break, we are all deeply in love and great friends.

Trying to figure out what to do. It's a crazy time. No one thought we'd ever be in this position. The quad didn't cause problems in our marriage, rather it illuminated problems that were already there, and for that I'm grateful.

We're thinking about a month break, no sex. But we want to meet up as friends in a few weeks to talk. I'm trying to decide if I should or shouldn't call/text my bf. My marriage is on the brink and I don't know if I can give it the attention it deserves if I'm distracted with my new love.

Thoughts?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Harmony,

As far as I know, it is alright to take a month break with the quad. As for calling/texting your boyfriend, you'll have to use your own good judgment on that. Although I'm inclined to say, if you are taking a break, and are concerned that giving your boyfriend attention so soon would endanger your marriage, maybe you should make it a thorough break and just not contact him.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[minnegander]

It's difficult because we each have a toddler and we feel like our kids need more stability....

.... the quad has made us face issues in our original marriages that we've brushed under the rug for years and never addressed. It's gotten to the point that the desire to leave our spouses and just be with the other is so intense we've decided to take a break and work on our marriages before they fall apart. ...

...The quad didn't cause problems in our marriage, rather it illuminated problems that were already there, and for that I'm grateful.

We're thinking about a month break, no sex. But we want to meet up as friends in a few weeks to talk. I'm trying to decide if I should or shouldn't call/text my bf. My marriage is on the brink and I don't know if I can give it the attention it deserves if I'm distracted with my new love.

Thoughts?

Hi, there!

We had a quad for about 9 months - Moved in together after a few months and things were going wonderfully. We even went to group counseling to ensure that our communication was wide open and it was a very good thing (we thought).

I bolded your statement about the quad illuminating problems in each of your units. I did because ours did the same thing and it was a bridge we had to cross and then work on individually as a unit. Two of us were successful whereas the other two were not quite as much. As they got more and more rocky, CPF became volatile to the entire quad relationship. Now he's gone and it's the three of us left. It is working beautifully and we are all not afraid to discuss feelings, insecurities, and/or troubles. It's a beautiful and enriching experience.

The key, in my opinion, is complete and utter honesty in communication. Youve all uncovered issues that need to be worked out and are working on them, while maintaining a friendship. That is good! Fix the unit before the units are joined together. And there are children involved, so it's even that much more important to maintain stability, in my opinion.

I think you guys have the right idea on stepping back for awhile. Maybe couples' counseling AND polyamorous counseling could be a thing for you guys to help with the trials you're facing. I know it's helped us!

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm married. My husband and I feel in love with another couple, and they fell in love with us too. None of us set out to fall in love, it just happened. We want to know if we can all live together without losing our marriage or our new love.
Any advice on how to make this work? What have you found to be a successful way to handle something like this?

So, you and your husband didn't "fall in love with another couple." You fell in love with a guy, your husband fell in love with a woman. You and the woman are friends, your husband and the other guy are friends.

And both couples have babies! You're in love with your demanding toddlers too. Toddlers take an enormous amount of physical and emotional energy.

It's extremely hard to do poly with young children in the mix. Kids' needs must come first. Personally even though I've always been poly at heart, I had absolutely no energy for other lovers when my kids were under about 8 years of age. But everyone is different, I suppose.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

We've been doing this for 3 months now. We do sleep overs at each other's houses most nights.
It's difficult because we each have a toddler and we feel like our kids need more stability.
None of us are bi although there was some playing around and experimenting in the beginning, we have mostly just done a swap.

Lately, the new relationship we are in, and the intense communication and honesty we've inspired in everyone involved in the quad has made us face issues in our original marriages that we've brushed under the rug for years and never addressed. It's gotten to the point that the desire to leave our spouses and just be with the other is so intense we've decided to take a break and work on our marriages before they fall apart.

We are all really sad, no one wants to take a break, we are all deeply in love and great friends.

Trying to figure out what to do. It's a crazy time. No one thought we'd ever be in this position. The quad didn't cause problems in our marriage, rather it illuminated problems that were already there, and for that I'm grateful.

We're thinking about a month break, no sex. But we want to meet up as friends in a few weeks to talk. I'm trying to decide if I should or shouldn't call/text my bf. My marriage is on the brink and I don't know if I can give it the attention it deserves if I'm distracted with my new love.

Thoughts?

We can't give thoughts much without knowing what the issues in your marriage are. But if you want to keep your marriage intact, and keep your shit together also for the sake of your child, the last thing you need to be doing is distracting yourself with gooshy NRE feelings increasing and clouding your vision.

Do the right thing. Focus on your marriage and your child. Poly can wait. Go get counseling. It can facilitate better progress. Counseling and working on difficult marital issues can and probably will feel painful. NRE feels great. But it's illusory if you're just using it as an escape. Adulting is hard! But we all gotta do it sometimes.

 

[Shaya]

Hi again,

You seem to have good insight into the situation, but finding it difficult to keep the NRE that you feel for the other man in check. I presume your husband is struggling with the same.

I don't have any real advice. For me, understanding my emotions or knowing the reason why I'm feeling what I'm feeling helps me cope with it. Everybody ticks differently so it may not be the same for you. For me, I would find the concept of polyamoryville helpful, as well as a thread I started on my thoughts on growing in love vs falling in love. Finally, there is this relationships vulnerability quiz which you and your husband might like to take separately, then use the difference in your scores to discuss issues in your marriage. If you're willing to share, I'd be interested in what you and your husband get in the quiz with the aim of either recommending the quiz to other newcomers to the forum, or to bury that quiz and not mention it to newcomers anymore.

Hope some of that helps, and best of luck with your marriage,
Shaya.