What if polyamory is just a means to an end? A specific strategy to meet underlying needs?
I understand polyamory can be an orientation, or a way of being, and not "just" a lifestyle choice. I know it is for me. Yet I have chosen to be in a monogamous relationship because I have found alternatives to polyamory to meet my needs. For example:
- In monogamy, I felt guilty for flirting and feeling attracted to others. I've dealt with this and now I can flirt without feeling guilty.
- I enjoy having emotional intimate relationships. But, I can still have them as long as there is no romance or sex involved.
- I feel more myself, more free, more grounded in polyamory. But, when I disentangle myself and solve enmeshment and co-dependency issues in my monogamous relationship, I can discover a similar feeling of me-ness, freedom and grounding.
- I enjoy that different people bring up different parts in me. But I can still do this - have a life and friends outside my primary relationship.
- I enjoy having romance and sex in my life. But although it can be more work to rekindle passion in a longterm relationship, it is possible.
- I enjoy the excitement and adventure of meeting new people, but I can still do that if it doesn't lead to sex.
Sure, some of these things might be easier, more rich or more fun when being polyamorous, the fact is that I can meet all my needs in a monogamous relationship. When a poly-mono couple is talking about opening up, often a lot of pressure is on the mono to meet her/his needs for security, love, etc in other ways than monogamy. Rarely I hear the poly-partner explore new ways to meet their needs in other ways than polyamory.
So, I wonder, how does polyamory give you what YOU need? What needs are met with polyamory? (and could you imagine other ways to meet that?)
I understand polyamory can be an orientation, or a way of being, and not "just" a lifestyle choice. I know it is for me. Yet I have chosen to be in a monogamous relationship because I have found alternatives to polyamory to meet my needs. For example:
- In monogamy, I felt guilty for flirting and feeling attracted to others. I've dealt with this and now I can flirt without feeling guilty.
- I enjoy having emotional intimate relationships. But, I can still have them as long as there is no romance or sex involved.
- I feel more myself, more free, more grounded in polyamory. But, when I disentangle myself and solve enmeshment and co-dependency issues in my monogamous relationship, I can discover a similar feeling of me-ness, freedom and grounding.
- I enjoy that different people bring up different parts in me. But I can still do this - have a life and friends outside my primary relationship.
- I enjoy having romance and sex in my life. But although it can be more work to rekindle passion in a longterm relationship, it is possible.
- I enjoy the excitement and adventure of meeting new people, but I can still do that if it doesn't lead to sex.
Sure, some of these things might be easier, more rich or more fun when being polyamorous, the fact is that I can meet all my needs in a monogamous relationship. When a poly-mono couple is talking about opening up, often a lot of pressure is on the mono to meet her/his needs for security, love, etc in other ways than monogamy. Rarely I hear the poly-partner explore new ways to meet their needs in other ways than polyamory.
So, I wonder, how does polyamory give you what YOU need? What needs are met with polyamory? (and could you imagine other ways to meet that?)