How good is it?

S

SEcondary

New member
My wife loves her boyfriend, and it's wonderful for both of us. Yet in this forum it seems many people have problems. They're working on something, adjusting, four years later they're still working on it, etc.

Why bother, if there are so many problems? If I read this forum before my wife fell in love with her boyfriend, I don't think we would have gotten into it. Are the rewards that great? How good is it for the wives or girlfriends? Thanks.
 
I think you have to take note of the fact that these forums tend to be a "foul-weather" type of friend. People look for resources when they are having problems and they need help resolving them. Once the problems are mitigated (or the relationship ends, for one reason or another), people tend to disappear again, so, you typically only see the UN-sunny side of the street.

You may want to check out the Happy/Successful thread (I think there is a link in the Golden Nuggets thread) or read the blogs of some of the regular posters (i.e., some of the ones offering advice, as opposed to those that are new and asking for advice). Those of us that are happy and contented tend to not post a whole lot of "All is good here, no worries, living life and loving it" posts day after day. We are just living it.

I was actually just saying to MrS the other day how much I love my life. The only negative thing going on is that I haven't sold my old house yet, so we have some financial plans on hold, nothing poly related. It feels, to me, like the last 18 months have been a very solid beginning to "Happily Ever After," you know, where the drama is resolved and people just go on their merry way, enjoying themselves. The book is over because there isn't much to say of interest to anyone on the outside. :D

JaneQ
 
My personal relationship was not fraught with issues about polyamory. They were and are about individual baggage. I think it is naive to say a mono relationship isn't always a work in progress.

That said, the past 2 years, I would have had mental breakdown without both my relationships. Yes, my relationship with my bf just ended, but it wasn't about me. The ending was organic, in he wanted a different path without integrity. My choice was to end the relationship and remember sweetly the very good relationship I had with him, instead of going into something I couldn't handle. Yes, we both hurt, but the pure joy of that click, the high of mingling souls from awesome sex, was worth it every time. Poly with respect is awesome.
 
For me (mono partner in a mono/poly relationship), it's been a struggle at times, but my partner and I have a relationship that is worth all the work. That whole gag-inducing-- "He's my best friend, we finish each other's sentences, we work well together, we can cook and put IKEA furniture together without killing each other," type of thing. :) Yeah, it's THAT good.

For him, he's the happiest he's ever been in his entire life.

So yeah... while it's work, it's still good. :)
 
My relationships are mostly pleasant and effortless.

What else would you like to know?

I'm sorry I have not provided this audience with Jerry-Springer-like stories for everyone's amusement. I will see if there are any childhood issues I can dredge up so that my life will be more interesting to strangers on the internet.

Now I have to go out and remove two feet of snow, one scoop at a time. BORING!
 
JaneQSmythe said:
I think you have to take note of the fact that these forums tend to be a "foul-weather" type of friend. People look for resources when they are having problems and they need help resolving them. Once the problems are mitigated (or the relationship ends for one reason or another), people tend to disappear again, so, you typically only see the UN-sunny side of the street.
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Yes, I think this is so. Not only that, but I begin to suspect there's something about online forums, the give and take of post and reply and counter-reply, that tends to escalate tales of difficulty into tales of woe, into existential crises, into signs of the apocalypse. In short, this is generally not a medium for good news and tranquil reflection, at least, not without considerable, conscious effort.

(I write this as one very recently guilty of such an escalation, who is now trying to accentuate the positive by such a conscious effort.)
 
Livingmybestlife said:
My personal relationship was not fraught with issues about poly. They were and are about individual baggage. I think it is naive to say a mono relationship isn't always a work in progress. That said, the past 2 years I would have had a mental breakdown without both relationships. My relationship with my bf just ended, but it wasn't about me. The ending was organic. He wanted a different path without integrity. My choice was to end the relationship, and remember sweetly the very good relationship I had with him, instead of going into something I couldn't handle. We were both hurt, but the pure joy of that click, the high of mingling souls from awesome sex, was worth it every time. Poly with respect is awesome.
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If you feel a lot of love with someone, does that mean you love them a lot?
 
Problems come with every relationship. Some are more complex than others. It becomes an even larger challenge when you have conflicting personalities or different beliefs. You have to agree and set rules or boundaries. Communication among all parties is number one. Sometimes checkpoints or re-evaluation periods are needed. Is everyone happy? Is everyone getting their needs meet? If some answers are no, what's going to be done to change that?

Sometimes an objective point of view is needed to see things a bit clearer, which is where all of these lovely forum members come into play. That third party can be the voice of reason and sometimes point out things that were missed. There are people who are happy or experiencing success. Not all of it is sad and heart-wrenching.
 
Livingmybestlife said:
I feel a lot of love, but the click there is what it takes, for me. I don't have to love everyone the same.
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My wife and I always talk about how good it is for her with her boyfriend, how much she loves him. Physically she needs someone bigger than me. She has told me she loves him just as much as she loves me, which I am fine with. She says when they make love she can feel a lot more love with him than me.

I want her to enjoy herself with him as much as possible. I could see the glow on her the last time they spent the night together.

They have not told each other that they love each other yet. Been seeing each other for three years now, although not frequently.

I believe she can love him more than me easily. My wife and I have a wonderful marriage, and I'm totally fine with her loving him more than me. Is this common? Thanks.
 
For me, I needed something more than my husband. He is submissive. I can be equal, but I am submissive. I prefer the "alpha male" type sexually. So how common is it? I don't know. I know when I am happy with bf, my husband gets the overflow.

Please understand, I do still love my bf, but he wanted to sport fuck, and I have OCD about STDs. It would have torn me apart. He is at a different place in his life.

I will date again, just not ready yet.
 
Don't forget that lots of people just don't get involved with forums at all. My best friend and her husband are happily poly (they are my example for what healthy poly can be) and she tells me she has no interest whatsoever in discussing it on a forum. So there's that...
 
SEcondary said:
Why bother if there are so many problems?
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Considering the widespread failure rate for marriages, rampant spousal abuse, high reported levels of unhappiness and dissatisfaction in a marriage, it would push me to ask the same question regarding monogamy.

It's whatever works for you. Monogamy is the majority (though I personally contest that, at least as far as people's thinking goes) but that doesn't mean it's the only blueprint for a relationship.

If I read this forum before my wife fell in love with her boyfriend. I don't think we would have gotten into it.
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This place, as has been pointed out, is often a place people come for answers when they're in pain. It ends up creating a big bloc of two-post users who have massive problems that they have no experience dealing with, so they come here.

Are the rewards that great?
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Fuck, yes.

Getting into this way of life required making one of the hardest choices I've ever had to make in my life, hands down. It blew apart my social circle. I lost several friends. I have to be very careful who finds out about the way I live. And the dating pool shrinks exponentially.

Even with all that, it is the single best personal decision I have ever made. I say that with no reservations and no hesitation. It has done more to make my life happy and fulfilled than any other single factor. I feel more like myself. I feel more free. I feel more loved, and I feel more capable of loving.

No guarantees your experience will be even remotely similar. Every person has their own story. If you want it, you've got to ask.

How good is it for the wives or girlfriends?
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I would say it depends how you treat them. If you treated them like harem girls, I can't imagine it would be all that good. If, on the other hand, you respect their individual needs, wishes, and personal sovereignty, without trying to control or demand things of them, then I would imagine they would be fairly happy. If you truly love them as they are, then I see it being pretty enjoyable.
 
I love two. It's that simple. I don't "do poly" because of the rewards. I admit to being poly because I am in love with two.

It's much like I don't "do bisexual." In fact I haven't "done bisexual" in years, because I haven't found a woman who can stack up to what I want in a woman. But I am bisexual.

Additionally, I don't always post the "normal day-to-day wonderful stuff" because it is what it is, and when it is, I'm busy with it.

When the shit hits the fan, I like to get an outside perspective before I open my mouth. So I come and inquire as to other perspectives.
 
LovingRadiance said:
I admit to being poly because I am in love with two.
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Everything LR said. I might change this bit, though, to say I admit to being capable of poly. Unlike some others, I have never looked for multiple relationships, nor do I think I would if one of my current relationships ended.

They are a lot of work. But they happen. My "version" of poly is dealing with the reality of falling in love with someone else while still in love with my husband. I didn't intend for it to happen, but it did, so for better or for worse, this is now the frame I'm working within. Yes, the issues might be magnified compared to a mono relationship, but the good times are, too.
 
My wife and I have a wonderful marriage and I'm totally fine with her loving him more than me. Is this common?
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Sure, lots of people feel that. They just don't necessarily shout it on the street corner.

Why bother if there are so many problems? If I read this forum before my wife fell in love with her boyfriend, I don't think we would have gotten into it.
Are the rewards that great?
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Well, you are living the rewards. See this:


My wife and I have a wonderful marriage and I'm totally fine with her loving him more than me.
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Are you not happy? What is your need? To have someone reassure you that this happiness you currently have will not be removed somehow?

I am confused. :confused: Would you please clarify your want/need?

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Sure, lots of people feel that. They just don't necessarily shout it on the street corner.

Well, you are living the rewards. Are you not happy? What is your need? To have someone reassure you that this happiness you currently have will not be removed somehow? Would you please clarify your want/need?
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I love it like like this. I want her to be free in loving her boyfriend. She loves him as much as me, and I feel it can go further.
 
Again... y'all sound fine then.

People on a support forum seek support, so I was confused when you asked:

Yet in this forum it seems many people have problems. Their working on something, adjusting, four years later they're still working on it...
Why bother, if there are so many problems? Are the rewards that great? How good is it for the wives or girlfriends?
Click to expand...

I think you could be asking:

Are the rewards of polyamory great enough to endure working through problems in the polyship for years?
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That is only something the people inside that particular poly network can answer for themselves: the question of "Is this still worth it to me?"
 
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GalaGirl said:
Y'all sound fine.

People on a support forum seek support. So I was confused when you asked [...], because I think you could be asking [...], and that is only something the people inside that particular polyship can answer for themselves, the question of "Is this still worth it to me?"
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I hope in the near future she will love him more than me. It would be wonderful for both of us. I have told her. She said she was totally ok with me telling her. After they made love last week, he emailed a couple of days later and said she was awesome. Maybe it has started. We have a great marriage. And he is big enough for her.
 
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