Argh - i just managed to spastically click and delete my entire (well thought out and articulate responses to everyone. Here i go again - guaranteed not to be as articulate....
Thanks GalaGirl,sparklepop, Kevin T., and Norweiganpoly!
I did indeed try to have a conversation about the profile instead of just asking him to change it which yielded a perfectly satisfactory answer of "the website was asking me questions in order to join the group meetup and i just quickly answered because you wanted me to rsvp before the discussion session filled up".
I did mention also that it presented as if he was very single and looking to meet new partners currently and he said that was unintentional and changed it more or less to say the same thing but that he and his partner were interested in the discussions and meeting poly people here in NOLA.
So i was making a mountain out of a molehill (this time - more on this later), but honestly everything we talk about it so alice in wonderland sometimes....what i think will be a huge issue is nothing and what i think is nothing is something monsterous to him. Or seems to be until we are able to talk it through more, but often his first responses are extreme to say the least.
In general it seems like he wants me to be the uber-evolved, experienced, ok with anything, 100% secure with myself and fully actualized in every realm partner and be able to make any demand on me with no concern for what I need in return. Which clearly isn't realistic because I'm actually human and not a robot, and am new to poly to am totally unsure what is and isn't ok for me. Everyone's advice on "take it slow" makes tons of sense to me.
GalaGirl - in regards to: (and kind of a tangent since it's come up elsewhere for us)
He is free to say "No. I will not honor your request."
Yes, i totally understand and support this to a degree. He frequently makes sure to tell me essentially this - repeatedly reminding me that no one can force anyone else to do anything ever. Which is true and as it should e, but when you make agreements about what will and won't work for you, can you not expect them to stick to those agreements? His constant response is "people change" - again true - but at what point DO you believe what someone is telling you is true so you can move on with life? If you second guess everything all the time, it just feels so pointless to negotiate or communicate anything or commit to anything if you can't actually believe someone is committing because they change. I'm not talking years or eons either. I'm talking moment to moment agreements.
For example - when discussing dating: he frequently cancels our dates now to work. It drives me nuts already so i am imagining it gets worse if there are 2 or 3 of us with demands on his time. So I am trying to establish protections around interactions that mean a lot to me like date night.
Goth night out is something we've done together since the dawn of time and being here in a new city it's been an important bonding and social networking thing for both of us and something i do not want to relinquish (at least at this time) that makes me feel like things are ok with us and that opening the relationship doesn't take away from anything, it only adds. This (at this time) would very much feel to me like being taken away from. I stated it as such to him as well. "This is the single most important thing we do that means the most to me that I need us to maintain." In light of his "i want to be poly" request it really doesn't seem like a lot to ask in return.
At any rate - us together at goth night is important to me in a huge way for many many reasons and I asked that remain just for us. Initially he agreed, no problem. Then this weekend after having a really nice weekend and some important discussion go well for once, he recanted and said it was unreasonable for me to "piss all over goth night" to mark my territory because he says it's the only place he will find a date and be able to take a goth girl on a date. Which is totally absurd imho. I have no words. It's New freakin Orleans! You can't swing a dead flea (so very tiny) without hitting a cabaret, a burlesque show, drag show, pirate bar, absinthe bar, tarot card or tea reader, taxidermy class or tincture creation workshop to name a few (and must i go on? suffice to say there would be no problem finding a date if you were hanging out with ME). Lol.
So this seems absurd to me and actually illustrates another issue with him which is that he does nothing but work on his computer. He is an artist (as am i) and he is very dedicated to his art which is incredible and I admire him greatly for, but his life is very unbalanced. He's lived here a year and knows a couple people he never hangs out with, I've lived here 4 months and know a couple people and have a fairly active life outside of the house including aerial class, a coworking maker space, shibari life drawing, bellydancing and the gym i go to regularly as well as girlfriends i love hanging out with regularly. He literally does nothing else.
How this relates back to goth night is it's the one thing i can get him to go out to with me on at least a semi regular basis without too much complaining (though there is always some) so of course he's gonna think that's the only place he can find or take a date which is uber annoying because at this time he wouldn't even go unless I reminded him we have a date (he will then go but it always feel under duress which doesn't feel good to me because who wants to go on a date with someone who doesn't want to go on a date with them? UNTIL we are there and having a great time when he says it's good i made him come out). Which i think illustrates his need for greater life balance. Mind you this lack of balance bleeds into home maintenance and personal maintenance as well. Because he is so protective of his work time, i've taken up the cleaning and life slack to avoid arguments (yes - not good - working on this now) so when i say there is no life balance - trust me. It's not just that i want him to take on hobbies or something he's not interested in. It's things he talks about wanting to do himself and never does (like yoga or that writing class he was so excited about). So i am only encouraging him to do the things he talks about - not build a life to suit me somehow. And in the end it would organically address both the issues of how to meet a new person - through shared activities/interests of course - and also what to do with them on a date without having to (in his words) have HIM piss all over goth night for me.
Truthfully it makes me furious that he isn't even willing to give this little when we are just starting out. Everything everyone has said is "take it slow" and "if it doesn't feel comfortable don't do it - go slower - and readdress it down the road". Which isn't to say stick my head in the sand about my own issues - I am in no way doing that. We have a couples counselor and we each have our own therapists and I am actively working on issues I know I have. Hopefully he is too though we don't discuss our individual therapies. There is nothing that would make me MORE uncomfortable than him bringing a different date to goth night than me except if he insisted he had to bring them home and cook with them (which he has done and we've worked out as "not ok right now" and only for more serious relationships where i've met the person, etc since it's my house too and i do all cleaning cooking laundry etc....lol).
Anyway - to wrap up - we had a huge blow out fight about it because it's the single most important event for me that i asked him to reserve and even said if he met someone who loved goth night too that we could make arrangements for particular nights for them to have a date though the majority would be for the two of us to share. We will see if that sticks. It didn't even stick a week and i'm finding myself exhausted with trying to discuss things, having him pissed that we discuss things so much then having him 180 and go back on everything we discussed (thus causing more despised discussion).
Wow - ok - I have rounded the moon with this post. Definitely not as well thought out nor as articulate as I'd originally written and also new tangents. So many side tangents i'd like to expand on, too, but honestly dont have time right now.
SUMMARY: i followed your advice and things went really smoothly (thank you guys all so much for being around for this both times i have come here begging and wounded looking for help) i realize this is an invaluable resource and am extremely grateful to everyone for being here.
