How to break up with a couple

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dansemacabre

New member
Hi all. I (19f) posted a bit back about how I disliked threesomes and didn't know if it was normal. Since posting that, I've realized the entire relationship I'm in is bad for me.

The couple I'm dating (21f and 21m) have been together for 3 years. They said they wanted a third life partner. But the longer we dated (in a closed triad, which we agreed on but they said they'd prefer it first), the more I kept hearing that "with GF being home alone while BF works so much, it would be good to have another person here for her." I could be wrong but that sounds like an absolutely absurd reason to open up a relationship. I'm a person, not a solution to their problem. I also found out they never researched polyamory or did any work on their own relationship before opening it up to a third person.

The problems have gotten more frequent the longer we've dated, and we've only been dating for a bit over a month. They decided they're going to couple's therapy. Which upsets me, because they're no longer a couple. My boyfriend treats me like I'm second best. He has straight up asked me to watch their kid while he goes into the bedroom to have sex with our girlfriend. He changes how he has sex with me depending on if our girlfriend is present or not. Our girlfriend said if our boyfriend and I are having sex, we can't lay together afterwards without clothes on, we need to put clothes on and go talk to her afterwards or cuddle her if she's asleep. Perhaps I like laying together with my partner for a bit afterwards? Especially when I have POTS and can't get up quick? But that didn't matter.

The last time all of us had a threesome, my boyfriend decided to finish all over my back instead of inside me. He always finishes inside me; I've never asked him to do anything different. But he said he did it "because our girlfriend was there." He didn't ask me if he could do that, he just did it, and he did it out of concern for HER feelings, with no concern for mine. When I tried to go to my girlfriend for support, she completely shut down. She was upset that he was even finishing inside me in the first place (he can't do it to her because she won't take any birth control), and she shut down and put herself in bed the entire rest of the day. I had my friend pick me up because I was so angry at both of them.

My girlfriend has been acting like she doesn't value my time whatsoever lately. We'd made plans for Saturday days prior. Saturday rolled around and she canceled because "she just wanted to be alone." She picked me up Sunday and was so drunk and high from going to bars with her friend that she immediately fell asleep after we got to their house. The next day, I barely see her because she's going out. She gets home after I've been home alone for hours, and says, "I don't wanna be a dick, but I need to be alone. People are too much for me right now." She took me home. She's also taken me home or canceled before because her and our boyfriend got into an argument that had nothing to do with me. I can't drive because of meds and POTS, for background.

Now I've decided the best thing is to stop this entire situation. Neither of them are treating me like a real partner. But I have strong feelings for them because before it got so bad, it was good, I mean REALLY good. So I'm scared that if the relationship could be salvaged and I break up with them, I'll have missed out on the best thing I could've had because I couldn't handle a rough patch.

I feel relieved at the idea of being out of this mess. For weeks I thought my antidepressants weren't working anymore, because I nearly relapsed with drinking multiple times and other destructive behaviors. Then I realized my meds "stopped working" when these things were coming up. My best friend says I'm not myself anymore and this relationship is tearing me apart. I lost my ability to cry for months because of my meds, but I've cried a lot lately.

I don't know how I even begin to break up with a couple. I'm scared to do it because I have the most to lose. They'll still have each other, but I lose two people. I'm scared to do it and don't know how I go about it. Do I do it in person? Or over text? What do I even say? Do I need to give reasons or should I just say it's not working? How do I do this?
 
You should break up in person, if you can. If it will be too much, go ahead and do it by text. I wouldn't give reasons, because that invites a debate. Just say it's not working for you, wish them the best, and cut it off.
You are doing the right thing.
 
Whatever you feel comfortable with. If you don't have the emotional bandwidth and feel used as a babysitter for their kid and GF, I don't think you have to do the grace to do it in person. But that's just me. Don't explain, just tell them it's not working and give them your regards. That's it.

It's for the best. Good luck.
 
dansemacabre said:
I'll have missed out on the best thing I could've had because I couldn't handle a rough patch.

I feel relieved at the idea of being out of this mess.

I don't know how I even begin to break up with a couple.
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You're 19! You have your whole life ahead of you! You can do better than this!

Just say bye and block the shit out of them!

You just do it. You don't need their consent to break up with them. They can't outvote you and force you to stay in this "relationship."

I know a month seems like an "investment" of time at your age, but just DTMFA.
 
I hope you feel better for airing out and venting some.

Now I've decided the best thing is to stop this entire situation. Neither of them are treating me like a real partner. But I have strong feelings for them because before it got so bad, it was good, I mean REALLY good. So I'm scared that if the relationship could be salvaged and I break up with them, I'll have missed out on the best thing I could've had because I couldn't handle a rough patch.
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I think most of the "good" was just NRE high (new relationship energy), and it wore off pretty fast because they are not healthy in themselves, childish/possessive/weird about sex, and kind of all over the place. Even if they grow up some, you don't HAVE to date them again or salvage anything. You could have a higher personal standard for what you seek in poly partners, and they just don't make the cut.

You all could be my kids. To me, 19-21 is pretty young and you're still figuring out how to be adults.

I'm pretty confident you will find BETTER than this.

I'm scared to do it and don't know how I go about it. Do I do it in person? Or over text? What do I even say? Do I need to give reasons or should I just say it's not working? How do I do this?
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Keep it polite and simple. Something like:

"This isn't working out for me. I need to break up. I wish you well in your future connections." Do it in person, or by phone call, email, or text, whatever is the safest option, and so you don't get sucked into some emotional drama thing. Especially with the GF -- she already sounds like drama.

You don't have to JADE -- justify, argue, defend, or explain your decisions. You don't have to give "exit interviews." It's okay to just be done.

I don't know how I even begin to break up with a couple. I'm scared to do it because I have the most to lose. They'll still have each other, but I lose two people.
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You seem to forget you will be GAINING peace of mind and not having to deal in "ugh" any more. I think it's okay to "lose" that burden.

I feel relieved at the idea of being out of this mess. For weeks I thought my antidepressants weren't working anymore, because I nearly relapsed with drinking multiple times and other destructive behaviors. Then I realized my meds "stopped working" when these things were coming up. My best friend says I'm not myself anymore and this relationship is tearing me apart. I lost my ability to cry for months because of my meds, but I've cried a lot lately.
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This relationship doesn't sound like a healthy one. It sounds like it's sucking you dry. I think you could listen to your friend, and listen to your own self. You would be relieved to not deal in this any more.

You are also 19. Breaking up is a reasonable risk of dating. Not everyone you date will pan out long term. Some might, some won't. You don't have to make it be a bigger than than it is. You have only been dating these folks for a month. It's not a long time. Usually people are on best behavior in the early days. If all these folks have for "best" is drama that sucks you dry, end it and get out. You don't have to save this relationship from breaking up. Save yourself and your own well-being if you are going to be saving things.

Is it your first break-up ever, or first poly break up? Is that what is stressing you out?

Just be polite, kind, but FIRM. You don't want to do this any more. So just get yourself out of it. End it. Then block them on all the things.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I hope you feel better for airing out and venting some.



I think most of the "good" was just NRE high. (New relationship energy.)

And it wore off pretty fast because they are not healthy in themselves, childish/possessive/weird about sex, and kind of all over the place. Even if they grow up some, you don't HAVE to date them again or salvage anything. You could have a high personal standard for what you seek in poly partners. And they just don't make the cut.

You all could be my kids. To me 19-21 is pretty young and still figuring out how to be adults.

I'm pretty confident you will find BETTER than this.



Keep it polite and simple. Something like

"This isn't working out for me. I need to break up. I wish you well in your future connections."

In person, phone call, email, or text. Whatever is the safest option and so you don't get sucked into some emotional drama thing. Esp with the GF -- she already sounds like drama.

You don't have to JADE -- justify, argue, defend, or explain your decisions. You don't have to give "exit interviews." It's ok to just be done.



You seem to forget you will be GAINING peace of mind and not having to deal in ugh any more. I think it's ok to "lose" that burden.

You are also 19. Breaking up is a reasonable risk of dating. Not everyone you date will pan out long term. Some might, some won't. You don't have to make it be a bigger than than it is. You have only been dating these folks for a month. It's not a long time.

Is it your first break up ever? Or first poly break up? Is that what is stressing you out? Just be polite, kind, but FIRM. You don't want to do this any more. So just get you out of it. End it.

Galagirl
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It's my first poly breakup. I thought I wasn't gonna end up a unicorn but I was wrong. I guess I'm nervous because I'm breaking up with two people at once and I'm nervous it'll make them upset. Even though it doesn't matter once we're broken up anyway.
 
Are you fearful they are going to do things to you, like come break your home's windows, harm you, or something else, like they went stalker bananas, "If I can't have you, no one can," type of wacky? Or is it more like "This is a regular break up, I'm just nervous about it" level? I can't tell from your writing.

Galagirl
 
Thanks for clarifying. It's understandable to be worried/nervous if you are 19 and this is your first poly break up.

I think it's one of those things that you just decide to do and then get it over with. And then you get to see that nothing super doom happens -- just the "regular" amount of break-up sad, which is NORMAL to feel. Even when the best choice in a situation, all break-ups come with some sadness to process.

But you don't stick with a blah relationship just to avoid feeling that break-up sadness. When all the choices stink, you pick the choice that is least stinky. To me, that is breaking up, feeling the normal amount of sadness. Healing. Then you get to move on, rather than staying in the blah thing where you end up feeling blah on and on and on, YKWIM? At least with the break-up, the blah can END. I don't think dragging out a break-up serves anyone.

Galagirl
 
Hi dansemacabre,

My suggestion is to sit down in person with both of them, and keep it short and simple. "Guys, I'm sorry to say that this relationship isn't working for me anymore. I need to break up." Having said that, I noticed that you aren't 100% sure you want to break up. Maybe the thing to do is to take a break. Stop seeing (and talking to) them for a month or three. See how you feel during the break, and if it helps you make a more permanent decision. Maybe you'll decide it was just a rough patch. Although from your description here, it really sounds like they are treating you badly. You'll have to give this some thought before going through with the breakup.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
The thing is, to address the poly angle, they still ARE a couple. "Adding you to the relationship" is not a real thing. It is still three individuals and there are couples. In a triad there are 3 dyads.

You and gf
You and bf
Bf and gf (the original couple)

Then there is all three of you.

You can break up with them simultaneously for convenience, but you will be breaking up with two individuals. They aren't clones of each other. They aren't even twins or the same gender.

They probably do need a couples counselor more than they need to add a "service animal" in the form of a human they can have sex with and use for companionship or a babysitter when it's convenient. We get people like coming here all the time-- "unicorns" who are basically being used as unpaid sex workers, built-in nannies, and put away on a shelf when not needed. This is a common mistake, but you're not stupid to have gotten yourself into it. Polyamory is not common and many people who think they are doing it, really aren't.

It sounds like the gf is mighty jealous and going through lots of bad feelings concerning you. And that's nothing personal. I'm sure you're a fine person. Maybe the bf sold her on poly by telling her they'd get some extra sex, and she'd get a friend, a "sister wife," while he was out working long hours. But it sounds like gf can find her own friends anyway, those drinking buddies you mentioned.

It actually sounds like they're acting like jerks to get you to do the dirty work of breaking up.

BTW, are you not using safer sex practices, such as condoms? That's not common. Most poly people are very careful to use condoms to prevent diseases in the poly network. You can really spread an STI around fast if you are sharing bodily fluids. (Maybe you were all tested before engaging in sex, which is recommended, but you're only as safe as your last sex session.)
 
Magdlyn said:
The thing is, to address the poly angle, they still ARE a couple. "Adding you to the relationship" is not a real thing. It is still three individuals and there are couples. In a triad there are 3 dyads.

You and gf
You and bf
Bf and gf (the original couple)

Then there is all three of you.

You can break up with them simultaneously for convenience, but you will be breaking up with two individuals. They aren't clones of each other. They aren't even twins or the same gender.

They probably do need a couples counselor more than they need to add a "service animal" in the form of a human they can have sex with and use for companionship or a babysitter when it's convenient. We get people like coming here all the time-- "unicorns" who are basically being used as unpaid sex workers, built-in nannies, and put away on a shelf when not needed. This is a common mistake, but you're not stupid to have gotten yourself into it. Polyamory is not common and many people who think they are doing it, really aren't.

It sounds like the gf is mighty jealous and going through lots of bad feelings concerning you. And that's nothing personal. I'm sure you're a fine person. Maybe the bf sold her on poly by telling her they'd get some extra sex, and she'd get a friend, a "sister wife," while he was out working long hours. But it sounds like gf can find her own friends anyway, those drinking buddies you mentioned.

It actually sounds like they're acting like jerks to get you to do the dirty work of breaking up.

BTW, are you not using safer sex practices, such as condoms? That's not common. Most poly people are very careful to use condoms to prevent diseases in the poly network. You can really spread an STI around fast if you are sharing bodily fluids. (Maybe you were all tested before engaging in sex, which is recommended, but you're only as safe as your last sex session.)
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Everything you said in your post makes a lot of sense. Yes, we did all use protection prior to getting STI tested. Everything came back negative, so we stopped using it. I get tested at least every 6 months or more frequently depending on risk factors. I was the one who suggested we be tested, actually. They didn't really think about it. I only engage in unprotected sex with partners I'm in a serious relationship with after negative STI results are shown to me.
 
dansemacabre said:
Everything you said in your post makes a lot of sense. Yes, we did all use protection prior to getting STI tested. Everything came back negative, so we stopped using it. I get tested at least every 6 months or more frequently depending on risk factors. I was the one who suggested we be tested, actually. They didn't really think about it. I only engage in unprotected sex with partners I'm in a serious relationship with after negative STI results are shown to me.
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Okay, great. I know it's common for younger people to think a relationship is serious after a week or so. But honestly, unless ya'll were platonic friends for a year or more before you started dating, this relationship was not serious. I can see you have strong emotions, but these two are merely new dating partners of yours, whom you were just starting to get to know. Generally I wait to stop using condoms until I've known a guy for longer than a couple weeks. We have to have long serious talks about who else he may be dating/having sex with, and I have to get a real feeling for his sincerity. And I'm menopausal and can't get pregnant.

Anyway, that's not what you came here for. I wish you a speedy and drama-free break-up. Just rip off the Band-Aid and get it over with.
 
If you want to do this in person, because despite all you care about these people and/or a goodbye, don't do it in theit home. Tell them to come outside for just a few minutes. They'll contain the drama in a public space.
 
Glad you've decided to break up with them!

In your other post, I didn't realize you are only 19 and they are only 21. You sound very mature for 19!

You have so much life ahead of you and you will meet awesome people. Don't let this poor experience with poly phase you. Keep on poly dating!

You don't need to date a couple. It's often not a great deal for the "third". You can be poly and have multiple relationships with individual people.
 
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