This is then used as a sign that there is something wrong and that you need to stop whatever it is you are doing to bring peace back to the relationship. Can you imagine if we raised children with this mindset? Instantly placating them anytime they feel jealousy? Pshhhhh. Marriage and monogamous relationships are the only place in society where unhealthy emotions are condoned.
This is fascinating and I thought about it on and off yesterday. I chatted to Art about it in the evening too.
What I came to is that if it is possible to see jealousy as an emotion that arises from fear of losing something important, then I think it is very possible to see it as something that is encouraged throughout our society.
Increasingly in society, people are encouraged to compete with each other. It's the basis of sport, of education, of many jobs. Winning and being seen to do things better than other is approved of and encouraged. Nothing wrong with that in itself - a bit of competition and a bit of a desire to do well can be really good things.
The difficulty, I think, is that if winning is seen as very important, then the thought of not winning can trigger feelings of jealousy. Most folk learn to hide their feelings of jealousy most of the time, to act on them only in situations where they feel they can get away with it - like in marriages.
For all of that, I believe that the root cause of it is too much competition from a young age and too little time being spent dealing with the jealousy.
Some of my family do it very well. I have relatives with 3 little boys. An older son and slightly younger twins. The older boy and one of the twins are very gifted at sport. Pick new things up easily and enjoy sport enormously. Being into sport is very important to both parents so a big deal is made of those kids.
The other twin isn't all that good at sport and doesn't enjoy it nearly as much. In some families, that wee boy would grow up feeling like a loser and probably experiencing intense jealousy for much of his life. Thankfully, this family is more sensible. They look for what he is good at and make a big deal of it. He is so kind and gentle with others. I've watched him cheer on his brothers when they excel at things that he can't do. He makes friends easily and everybody he meets wants to be with him. His family point these things out to him.
They also point out the value of needing to try to learn new things and how it teaches persistence and a willingness to try new things even if they don't go well at first.
This might be pandering to him but I bet he'll grow up feeling good about himself and not behaving in jealous ways as an adult.
On the other hand, a friend of mine grew up in a family where he was seen very much as the best in the family. He is charismatic, good looking, good at making money and fun to be around. His mother thinks he is the best thing ever. His siblings are incredibly jealous of him. They mostly held this in until his mother became old and unwell. At that point, the jealousy came out. His family have taken legal action and employed lawyers to keep him away from his mum. Even though his mum is old and dying and is now being denied the company of her favourite child, the jealousy his siblings feel is such that they will put their own mum and brother through the loss of each other.
Since the mum is very infirm and one of the daughters in the family has power of attorney, this is all legal and acceptable in UK law and so the long held family jealousies are being played out.
My take has always been that if I see jealous behaviour in children or dogs who I am temporarily or permanently responsible for, I stop what I'm doing because it is a sign that things aren't okay. I work out a plan to try and help the on that is feeling jealous not feel that way. Usually with kids and dogs that means simply making sure there is more than enough of whatever is valuable to them to go around.
I don't tend to do it with adults. I just don't hang around with adults who haven't found some way to sensibly deal with any jealousy that they might have picked up in childhood.
IP
