I have for the last 10 years, subscribed to the idea of polyamory and or other non monogamous relationships. That being said I have for the last 3 years been single, largely due to my partner at the time leaving me and my daughter. Now I find myself in an opportunity to join an already established relationship with a woman I have history with. Enough history we are already in the i love you stages. I also have a decent relationship already with her partner. Here is my challenge. Entering into this or any relationship as a "secondary" is very against my nature. I'm very alpha (not aggro) and her current is (with no intent of character defaming) much more beta. I have a strong desire to have a "first" foundational type of partnership, not only with her but with a partner. Someone to come home to, someone that builds a relationship with my children. Someone that builds my businesses with me as I help build her/them! I'm beside myself, but do not want fear and jealousy to cloud the potential for this to be something good for me. I dont really know what I'm asking but I feel very unsure. Any insight would be great. Thanks
How to come in another's relationship
- Thread starter ABMARGOL
- Start date
Sounds like you want to be her primary partner as well as have another person as your nesting partner that you live with.
So what she want?
If that is all she can offer, then pass. Because you already know that arrangement doesn't suit you.
Just because you both are crushing on each other and doing the "I love you's" -- that doesn't mean you are both after the same open model or are compatible to do poly together. Love is nice, but love alone isn't enough for deep compatibility.
So I'd suggest having the conversation you need to have to assess deep compatibility. Just because you are initially compatible doesn't automatically mean you are deeply compatible.
Galagirl
MayDecember
New member
Conceptually, it's easy.
Either open warfare, bloody but above-board and the war over quickly...
or a long guerilla conflict. Dirty and underhanded all the way.
Either open warfare, bloody but above-board and the war over quickly...
or a long guerilla conflict. Dirty and underhanded all the way.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
What, exactly, is "it?"
You say you've been interested in polyamory for 10 years. How does that fit with your fears, competitiveness, jealousies, and need to be "on top"?
You want 2 submissives, a female and a male? You're bi and want to Top the guy? You want both of them move into YOUR house, so that you are in charge?
It's hard to be a in a primary partner role only a few months in, when your chosen partner(s) is or are already in a relationship of a long period of time.
This is just the dating stage. Maybe you've only been together with the woman a few months, and friends with her bf but not lovers yet? You can feel infatuated, and say, "I love you," but not really be long term material. Only time and a lot of communication and cooperation, with 2 willing other people, will have a chance of bringing you what you seem to want. You have very specific wishes. Even a family business!
Hello ABMARGOL,
It seems to me that what you need to know here is, can you stand to be a secondary partner at least in the beginning? Some secondary relationships evolve into primary relationships. What if you ended up being co-primary with her other partner, what if both of you were primary to her, what if both of you were on an equal level with each other? Could you stand that? These are questions only you can answer. And what if you can't stand it right now, is there a chance you can stand it in the future? Sometimes people can change. But when you say, "Entering into this or any relationship as a 'secondary' is very against my nature," it sounds to me like you are describing a hardwired characteristic, not something you can change. Can you change it? This is the first thing you have to figure out. I don't want to waste your time telling you how to change something you can't change, maybe even something you wouldn't want to change. Would you want to stop being very alpha? or is that a core part of what makes you you?
Your answers will help determine whether this relationship would be right for you.
Regards,
Kevin T.
It seems to me that what you need to know here is, can you stand to be a secondary partner at least in the beginning? Some secondary relationships evolve into primary relationships. What if you ended up being co-primary with her other partner, what if both of you were primary to her, what if both of you were on an equal level with each other? Could you stand that? These are questions only you can answer. And what if you can't stand it right now, is there a chance you can stand it in the future? Sometimes people can change. But when you say, "Entering into this or any relationship as a 'secondary' is very against my nature," it sounds to me like you are describing a hardwired characteristic, not something you can change. Can you change it? This is the first thing you have to figure out. I don't want to waste your time telling you how to change something you can't change, maybe even something you wouldn't want to change. Would you want to stop being very alpha? or is that a core part of what makes you you?
Your answers will help determine whether this relationship would be right for you.
Regards,
Kevin T.