How to comfort a partner after they've split with their other partner

BirdbutnotaPenguin

BirdbutnotaPenguin

New member
I currently have 2 partners, both long distance. And one of my partners recently just split with his long time girlfriend. I find I am unsure of how to comfort him. Ive never been in this position before. If I lived closer (not on the other side of the country), I would show him physical affections, as that is his love language, but im not there. I don't know quite what to say to him except that im here for him. since we are long-distance, there is a certain level of communication required, and I find myself feeling a bit ignored almost? However, I don't want to come off as insensitive to his breakup- but I need to feel still valued as a partner, by being a point of comfort for him??

Honestly just some advice/help/past experience with this type of situation would be so appreciated.

Thanks everyone!
 
LDR makes things harder.

You can ask him how he best would want to be comforted. Every person is different. And this is part of getting to know him.

  • Does he need to tell his story and air out? If you are up for that then you can just listen to them talk without interrupting or trying to fix anything. It's and "airing" conversation, not a "fixing"one.

  • Later if he needs help brainstorming ideas for how to fix whatever? Do that conversation later if you are up for that.

  • Does he need bright, cheerful mail? Then you can send him some if that's doable to you.

You can't bring him chicken soup or mow his lawn for him to help lighten his other loads, but who knows? Online shopping is sometimes amazing. Maybe you can arrange something along those lines.

Galagirl
 
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Hello BirdbutnotaPenguin,

It's possible that what your partner needs most right now is some extra space/privacy. I know that is probably not the kind of comfort you were hoping to give, but it's a possibility. You have told him that you are there for him, and I think that suffices. If he needs to talk to you, he knows you will listen. In the meantime, perhaps you can let him know that you are willing to give him some space if that's what he needs.

I hope he'll have enough healing to start contacting you a little more again soon. It sounds like kind of a frustrating situation for you. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Usually people have secondary and tertiary live languages that are still effective. Can you tap into either of those?

Care package?
Love letter?
A long phone call where not much is said?
Researching something online for him?
 
Thank you everyone! I am trying a little bit of what everyone said, and seeing what is working the best. He is sinking really low, and I'm trying my best.
 
Maybe he just needs some space to grieve. It sort of sounds like you are making this about you. He'll let you know what he needs from you.
 
If he's sinking into an actual depressive state, there may not be much you can do to comfort him right now. That'd be something your partner himself (and perhaps his closest local loved ones/next of kin) may need to address from a mental health related perspective.

Other than the above possibility... most people just need time to grieve the loss of someone special from their lives, in whatever way suits them. For some, that may be taking a "time out" from anything not vital to survival (such as work or self care), and may include limiting contact with others for a while, not socialising or talking much (including via text, phone or social media). After a relationship breakdown it's natural to feel sad and not up to connecting romantically for a while.

However, if you sense your bf is really isolating himself for longer than is healthy, or you know he suffers from major depression and it isn't being managed properly at this time, see first paragraph... in which case, you might need to contact someone close to him to discuss getting help.
 
This is about meeting the needs of two people. One needs some space to grieve. The other wants to feel valued as a partner. Both are needs are perfectly normal for a person to feel; having them both met at the same time might just not be possible in these circumstances.

What I'm trying to say, Bird, is don't feel guilty for wanting this. Others have covered mostly what it is you could do about your partner at this time. I think it probably still leaves your own needs unaddressed. The tricky bit is that no matter how good you are to your partner now, or do everything right, it cannot guarantee that he will respond the way you might need to. (Because, obviously, he can't just now; he has too much on his plate.) Also, it can be a slippery slope. Sometimes we – subconsciously – do things for others expecting a reward of some sort. It might sound ugly and mercenary when I put it like that – of course you DO care about your partner and do want to help them, regardless. It's just that things aren't always clear-cut and having to suppress what you need – because you feel it might be inappropriate or selfish to express it – can backfire in odd ways. If you have a good basis of communication established, you might actually say you miss him. You might request something for yourself – as long as you can take "no" (or "not now") as an answer without consequences.

If that is not an option, can you give yourself a little space and allow that stage of doubt (am I still important to him? Am I valued?) to pass? You have another partner and I guess the relative loneliness you might feel might not be overwhelming. You can still do all you can to help. Just – if that is indeed the case – don't hang about expecting the response you're hoping for? People tend to pick up on such things.
 
It's totally normal to feel neglected/uncomfortable/insecure when a partner is grieving the loss of another partner.

The absolute best advice I can give you is to think of your partner as if they are your platonic best friend right now. Meaning, let go of all of those expectations we all place on romantic partners; let go of the need to comfort in exchange for feeling valued/rewarded; and focus on being a source of fun, laughter, love, understanding, patience and comfort. Doing this will not only be the quickest way to helping him feel better, but will also be the quickest way to bring his presence back to your relationship.

As for how to support your partner - just ask him what HE needs the most! Not in a heavy, lost, "I don't know what to do for you" sense; but in a light, caring sense. Simply let him know that he has your full attention and love, and you've got his back. Again, the way you would with a best friend. Remember that giving space can be a great source of comfort too, if he wants that.

Receiving the devoted love and attention of the partner you still have when you're grieving a breakup is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. It's very special, and so unique to polyamory. So, gift that feeling to him in whatever way he wants it!

I'll tell you this. The last breakup I went through, I didn't even get dressed, leave the house, or brush my hair for two weeks. And it took two months to get to the point where I wasn't crying every day. It was freaking savage. And if I'd been in another relationship at that point? I would have been a crap partner. There's no way I could have been present for anyone else. So, let him be a little self-involved and wallowy for a bit. Be patient. Listen to him bang on and on about it. Make him laugh. And focus on filling your own cup, in the meantime. :)
 
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