How to deal with poly/mono conflict?

S

sezchwarn

New member
Have any of you guys been in the situation I'm in?

I think I'm basically polyamorous in that I don't feel it's wrong to sleep with multiple persons and I don't think I'd get that jealous if my partner wanted to sleep with someone else if it was just physical. I've not been cheated on as far as I know so maybe I would change my belief if that happened to me.

The situation is that I didn't really know about polyamory and so had a long term monogamous relationships in which I kind of fell in love with the girl. Everything would have been perfect- I don't have a single negative thought about her, I think she is a rose with no thorn and I adore her. Problem is she is super super monogamous. It sickens her that I might want to sleep with others and that is the reason we have not been together the past 5 years. I have had many flings since but have never wanted to get close to anyone else. I can't forget her. She's tried to move on with various relationships but they haven't worked out for her for various reasons. She's in a bad way.

Our sexualities can't work as they are. I'd love to go back to her and say 'hey I'm cured, I can have a monogamous relationship and commit to it!' but I don't know if I can keep such a vow. It hurts. :(
 
Your description of yourself probably is more sexually focussed than polyamorous. i.e. It doesn't sound like love is your motivator.

And personally I don't think "cured" is an appropriate term. Actually, I find it rather offensive.

Bottom line is if you are incompatible in this fundamental way, you are incompatible. If you really are "kind of in love with the girl" then don't start something again you can anticipate is going to end badly.
 
Do keep in mind that you number among the incompatible people she has had relationships with. I don't know what her situation is but she probably needs a steady friend a lot more than another failed romance.

Leetah
 
Hi sezchwarn,

I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "We get along perfectly, other than the one little thing." Only the "little" thing isn't little at all, it's a fundamental difference in how nonmonogamy is viewed and it's a huge, gigantic issue. Minimizing it doesn't help. Your partner (Can she be a partner after five years of separation?) needs to get a strictly monogamous partner. Having a nonmonogamous partner is a terrible mismatch for her. That remains true even if she's having trouble finding someone new. There's nothing else for it, she'll just have to keep trying (if she still wants a partner).

I know you want to be Mr. Right for her, you want to help her, you want to be there for her, and not just as a friend. But I think a friend is the most you can be for her, at least if you and she are both going to live happily and honestly with yourselves and each other. Based on your description of her, I don't think there's any chance she'll ever be okay with nonmonogamy. It hurts to see that reality, but there's a lifetime of greater hurt if you try to not see it.

I do sympathize with you; you have a really difficult situation on your hands.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. I used that term more because she'd maybe see it that way, but I personally do not see anything wrong with polyamory.

Well I suppose it wouldn't be loving in the sense that I like the idea of emotionally committing to just one other person. But it would in the sense that I'd always have a caring/supportive connection with anyone I see. It's just the first might be a forever kind of thing, the others, no necessary commitment.
I don't know if that confirms or changes your viewpoint?

"you are incompatible"- It seems that way but I suppose I'm trying to make sure that is definitely the case, by drawing on the past experience of others who may have been in a similar situation and chosen either path, before I totally abandon the idea of us being together. The idea of not being with her is as crushing as suppressing my desires would be, just in a different way. I mean, it's been 5 years and no one has come close.

Yeah, you're right Leetah. Thanks for both your inputs.
 
"I don't think there's any chance she'll ever be okay with non monogamy."

You're right there. If anyone were to capitulate, it would be me. I suppose I'm trying to figure out if I am truly poly or just a bloke who needs a bit of self discipline (my dad was not a positive role model).
You all seem to suggest that compromising/altering sexual compulsions is not a doable thing.

"I do sympathize with you; you have a really difficult situation on your hands."

Thank you. It rules my life. I've spent the last years focused on personal development and introspection, to remove emotional issues in a hope that might do something. If I didn't have such a magical view of this girl it wouldn't be an issue. She's done a lot for me and I have massive respect for who she is.
 
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It's not for certain that you can't live monogamously; only you can know that, and you can certainly try. Do you think you can give nonmonogamy up? You said in your first post, "I'd love to go back to her and say, 'Hey I'm cured, I can have a monogamous relationship and commit to it!' but I don't know if I can keep such a vow." Maybe you should try if you're not sure?
 
Actually, sorry for posting so many times in a row but I think I've figured out what I need. The issue was never our differing sexual attitudes but the lack of understanding of each other's sexual attitudes.

I don't get the viewpoint that it's inherently bad to sleep with multiple partners. Whenever I talk to the monogamous they simply say 'well, it's just wrong, isn't it' which doesn't aid my understanding.

The only way I have been able to rationalise it is as insecurity of one's own desirability and fear of being abandoned- which I can sympathise with. It's just that it seems to me the best way to deal with insecurities is to face them rather than place restrictions on each other in order to never have to face them.

But I could be barking up the wrong tree. I feel if I could understand the difference in attitude between the two camps, I would be better able to assess the right course of action. Ultimately, kdt, if I changed my belief system through seeing it in a new light, I could easily be monogamous- there is no uncontrollable physical convulsion, it's just I resent repression of my feelings unless I believe they are bad (like feelings to eat sugary stuff).

So, any resources or personal viewpoints on why there is difference or where the monogamous are coming from?
 
Re:
"I don't get the viewpoint that it's inherently bad to sleep with multiple partners."
Click to expand...

It isn't inherently bad. That particular viewpoint is conditioning talking. There is a book you should read, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. It does a good job of explaining how humans are actually made for nonmonogamy (contrary to popular belief).

Just a thought ...
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
sezchwarn said:
Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. I used that term more because she'd maybe see it that way, but I personally do not see anything wrong with polyamory.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the apology. I appreciate your clarification.

Well I suppose it wouldn't be loving in the sense that I like the idea of emotionally committing to just one other person. But it would in the sense that I'd always have a caring/supportive connection with anyone I see. It's just the first might be a forever kind of thing, the others, no necessary commitment.
I don't know if that confirms or changes your viewpoint?
Click to expand...

It was particularly the "if it was just physical" part of you thinking about your partner sleeping with another person that caught my attention. And now you say you would have a supporting/caring connection with any of your, shall we say, extra-curricular partners, but you'd perhaps be concerned if your primary partner had a connection with any of her other sexual partners? A little more soul searching might be in order here.

I don't get the viewpoint that it's inherently bad to sleep with multiple partners. Whenever I talk to the monogamous they simply say 'well, it's just wrong, isn't it' which doesn't aid my understanding.
Click to expand...

'bad' and 'wrong' are subjective and are most likely to reflect the value systems that a person has absorbed in childhood. These might have been reinforced in teenagehood as the capacity for romantic love grows and the competition may be fierce. Unfortunately a lot of people end up never really examining their values, their origins and their counterparts, so yeah, you'll just get those types of responses.

Go watch this on fidelity and infidelity as it explains quite well why it's not actually about the act of having sex.
 
The essays here might be of help to you with understanding the monogamous viewpoint.

http://https://www.morethantwo.com/poly-mono.html


You are the only person really, who can determine if you have the ability to confine your sexual activities to only one partner (though perhaps it may help to discuss it with a friend or therapist who can see past any wishful thinking on your part). Many people in monogamous relationships have to make the decision on more than one occasion whether to stick with their promise to be monogamous. It is a choice they make. That is not to say people in monogamous relationships cannot have deep, caring relationships with others, they just choose not to express their feelings sexually. If you have never been happy with that choice, and cannot see yourself being able to keep making that choice over the long term then you would be doing neither yourself nor your rose a favor by attempting it.

Leetah
 
You may be drawn to a type of non-monogamy, but it isn't polyamory if it's just focused on sex and does not allow room for love to grow. If you just want to fuck around while loving only one person, I think you'd be better off looking into swinging.

But forget this woman from five years ago. It sounds like you really need to move on with your life, to me.
 
I am sorry you struggle. Rather than go after the ex who is clearly monogamous and not into open relationships, you could figure out what you want. Do you know what open models you want to practice?

You are going to get a variety of reasons why people prefer monogamous relationships.

  • 1:1 is less people. Less people = less people stuff to be dealing with.
  • Depending on where they live, that is what most people see modeled all around them. It takes effort to practice another model unsupported.
  • They don't have the resources -- time, energy, money, etc -- for poly dating.

And lots more.

Rather than trying to make yourself fit in a box you already know you do not fit just to be with this woman again? You could accept it is a fundamental incompatibility. Neither mono or poly are "wrong" -- like universally wrong. It's just that one or the other may be a "wrong fit" for an individual. They can have their preferred way of going. She's just not into it, dude. It is not her prefered way of going. It would be wrong for her to go against her own grain.

Just like it would be wrong for you to go against yours.

You could do more of that introspection thing with a focus on "how to move on" rather than "how to go back." If after 5 years you are still hung up on her with magical views, you may want to seek counseling for help in moving on if you haven't been able to do it on your own. That would be my suggestion.

Galagirl
 
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Sounds like if having an open relationship is a requirement for you then you need to break up with your super super monogamous partner and only date people who want an open relationship. When i met my husband i made sure that we would have an open relationship and that he would be fine with me having male partners, if not we would not have been together. I learned my lesson with my ex, you can only pretend to be monogamous for so long. I couldn't continue to be with him and deny myself
 
I just want to say thanks...

And that I've read a lot on that website, morethantwo, and watched some sexatdawn videos as suggested. It's a little scary but really appealing and I've decided I'm going to move to London and give polyamory a go, see how I respond to it. Philosophically it makes perfect sense to me; you wouldn't have one friend only, so why one lover? Also, funnily, the fact that you guys seem wise makes poly intrigue me even more.
If it feels wrong for me, I'll try the girlfriend & swinging idea.

I'm going to meet with my ex in December and just talk. I aim mainly to make her feel better, as a friend, and see if I really can live without her. I may have to give mono a go, as kdt suggested. I'll update in the future.
 
Well, thanks for that update. It sounds like you're in a better headspace now, to where you feel at peace with your feelings and the options before you.

Keep us posted! :)
 
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