How to fall out of love

J

JoyfulOne

New member
Hi everyone!
So, I'm back for more advice from anyone that can give it. How the hell do you make yourself fall out of love with someone? I've been married to Roy for 10 years and that relationship is solid and happy. Then I've been friends with E for 14 years, but realized that I'm in love with him about 3 years ago. E wants to be together, but wants me to give him time. I have given him time and space and he feels further away than ever. I really think I should just move on, I don't think the poly life is for him (we've talked a lot about how it would negatively affect his family life, etc.) and it hurts way too much to just sit by and hope for him to come around. I've tried meeting new people, but everytime I talk to someone or go on a date I inevitably find something wrong with them and then go to back to missing E. It's really hard when you romantically love one of your very best friends. He's making it even more confusing because he won't go out and date anyone, but tells me he wants me to just be his friend for right now. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Hubby says that we should try to be together, that he knows what E means to me and although it's really hard for him to accept, he gets it. He's being so supportive and amazing, I'm really very lucky to have him. So, what should I do? Move on or stick it out? If I move on I have to stop loving him because it will drain me otherwise. If I wait, how do I compartmentalize my feelings until he's ready?
Thanks for the advice :)
 
Hi JoyfulOne,

I am inclined to suggest that you move on, but I don't know of any way to make yourself fall out of love. It might help to cut off contact with E completely, but even then it will take a long time to stop missing him. Maybe you'll always miss him, a little.

Unless he's willing to partner up with you, but I gather that's not the case considering he says he just wants you to be his friend. Tell him you can't be just a friend, your feelings are too strong for that.

I hope you can get this worked out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I would suggest you move on.

To me a behavior happens. (Action behavior or thinking behavior.) And then some feelings ensue. You don't like your current feelings. So you could figure out your behaviors that you want to change.

Here's what pops out at me from your post.

  • You have been friends with E for 14 years.
  • You have been in love with him for 3 years.
  • He does NOT want to date.
  • GOAL: You want to let go of being in love with him/desire to date him.


Behaviors you do to meet the goal:

  • You go out with other people. Then do thinking behavior that compares them to E.
  • You do thinking behavior that tells you it is hard to be friends with E because you love him romantically.
  • E tells you he only wants to be friends. Then you look to see if he's dating anyone. (He isn't.) So maybe you tell yourself you do not HAVE to let it go until he has an actual dating partner. Is that it? :confused:

Behavior hubby does to help you meet the goal:

  • Hubby says that you should try to be together.

What I think you could do different:

  • When you go out with other people, stop comparing. Just evaluate if they meet your personal standards for how you want to be treated. Do they treat you well? Is there anything in common? Leave E out of it.

  • Stop telling yourself it is hard to be friends with E. You were friends for 9 years before you fell in love with him. If you find your mind going off into romantic thoughts, remind yourself that E wants to be friends only, and you want to be friends only. Then go do something to take your mind off it. Hopefully in time with the reminders, the thoughts die down.

  • Stop checking to see if he's dating or not dating. You could tell yourself you have to let it go because it doesn't matter if he is dating or not. He only wants to be friends. He's told you so up front.

  • You could tell hubby you don't want to get together with E. You want to LET GO of the romantic feelings. So please do not encourage getting together. Please encourage friendship only, not romance.

  • You could take a break from talking to E or hanging out with E. With less E stimulus, there would be less E related thinking behavior.

  • Focus on what you want. "E and I are friends." Align yourself to that.

  • Stop focussing on what you don't want or don't have. "E doesn't want to be my romance partner." Esp if that kind of thinking behavior leads to "pining away" feelings.

See if over time new behaviors leads to different feelings. You are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are a person THINKING some thoughts and EXPERIENCING some feelings.

You can always change your mind about what you are thinking.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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When I was younger, people told me that it's possible to change the way you feel by basically making up your mind to feel differently. I told them they were crazy. Then I got older and tried it and it worked. So far, you've been on the fence about Eeyore* and so you've been letting yourself swim in the lovey feelings, because even when you're pinning, lovey feelings are still nice.

I think keeping it on the table as a "maybe one day" is what's making it hard for you. If he wanted to do the poly thing, he'd have said so by now. I think you both need to give each other permission to get over one another, and make an agreement to only ever be friends. Humans are a lot better at getting over things when they're actually over. Then you can put your energy into your friendship and making it stronger than ever.

* because nicknames are easier to follow than initials.
 
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