How to help her insecurities

It reads to me like you're imagining a time where you're all under one roof but are not putting much consideration into the "getting to know you" process. You have only ever been in a relationship with Mrs Maple, and maybe you moved in together and got married fairly quickly. In order to find the next (yet concurrent) Mrs Maple you are likely to have to wade though a bunch of first, second, third dates. And if you get that far, then there's the months if not years of dating while living separately, since this woman will already have her own full life and all that comes with it. I'm honestly having difficulty seeing how this process of co-habiting as a pre-requisite for sex is going to be compatible with dating a grown ass adult. You're also putting the cart before the horse so much that of course Mrs Maple is freaking out. If she's threatening suicide, you need to STOP fantasizing about polyamory, get professional help like a doctor or psychiatrist, and then get a reality check about what it's actually like for married men to start dating even when their wives are fully on board, let alone poly-under-duress.

Its more like, she needs to know that I am there, I can step in and save her and back her up, but that I should also 100% take her side any time of any day because she is my wife. I do not, if she is wrong then she is wrong.
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And if you ever do get to the point that there is another woman in your life, sometimes Mrs Maple might just being in the wrong and you shouldn't be taking her side.
 
Thank you for more info. I hope you feel a bit better for talking here and airing out a little bit. It doesn't really change my suggestions, though.
  • This whole non-monogamy thing (of whatever type) is probably best left in fantasy for now.
  • I think your wife could benefit from talking to a doctor/counselor person about whatever is going on with her.
All this stuff is concerning:
  • She fears being blamed for things, or that she might be attacked over it. She would make any kind of excuse not to go at all.
  • She NEEDS to have me there to also use as an escape, that she could redirect things at me when she doesn't want to admit to her own faults. She needs to know that I am there. I can step in and save her and back her up. But I should also 100% take her side any time of any day because she is my wife.
  • I can leave and do things, but she is normally withdrawn from life, reading a book or on her phone, because that is her other safe space. On her phone she will troll people and shrug because there is no accountability to her actions there.
  • My life revolves around avoiding making conflict with her, lots of redirections or pacification. She also knows that I do that at times, but probably not how much I do it.
  • I also tend to be protective of the kids when she has her emotional breakdowns over things, making sure I am the target or in her way.
  • I know how to put on a mask and redirect people's questions if I am okay. I'm fine.
  • She would think I was trying to get rid of her, that I no longer loved her and any other way you could say it, on more than one occasion she has made the statement of wanting to kill herself. I am sure it's out of frustration, but you never know.

I can sense wife has X. I don't know what X actually IS, or if it's some kind of combo of stuff.

You sound like you "carry her" or "manage her" a lot. And you try to shield the kids from her outbursts. Maybeyou even walk on eggshells sometimes. I'm not sure.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, though. I see you love her a lot, but that doesn't mean it is healthy. :(


Only an actual doctor can dx, and I'm not trying to. But in case this helps you any (she sounds really fearful of a lot of things):

outofthefog.website

Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD

Helping family members & loved-ones of people who suffer from personality disorders.
outofthefog.website outofthefog.website

Maybe it is some other thing completely. But whatever the X might be, I don't think going off to explore various forms of non-monogamy at this time is a good idea. Wait til that X stuff gets sorted.

Suicide threats are serious. Have you asked her if she's got a plan to carry it out? Have you two talked about a suicide safety plan?

I don't know where you live and you do NOT have to say online. But look up the resources where you are. Here's a chart. Find the one for your country.

Get help & support for suicide - Google Search Help

If you’re in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, find help in your area with Find a helpline. If you believe that someone else is in danger of suicide and you have their contact information, con
support.google.com


Galagirl
 
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The more you tell us, the less it looks like becoming involved with a new person would benefit either the new person or your wife. This sounds like the typical "relationship broken, add people." Other people are not going to help make anything better. It does sound like your wife is depressed and has problems that don't have anything to do with your mismatched sex drives or whether or not you're going to replace her. This is not about polyamory and the advice you need is beyond the paygrade of this forum.
 
@Evie

I very much want this imaginary woman to want to be a part of the family, someone who would invest just as much time and energy into it as we do and into each other.
In my perfect imaginary world, she would be a best friend to my wife and I and be seen as an aunt to the kids we already have, would not pick the first woman that jumps up and down saying "Pick me Pick me"
Mrs. Maple and I dated for 3? years before getting engaged and married.

Mrs. Maple and I do have our good days like anyone as well as bad. you mostly just heard the bad.
We can be very silly, we love cards against humanity, both like some of the same anime.

Whoever this potential person may be, I don't want her to just be seen or feel like a personal sex toy (unless its play/sex talk) I want a person.

Her threats of killing herself were unrelated to anything poly, it was her own self-destructive thinking because things did not go her way so that means she is worthless, Everybody hates her, she is better off dead and should just kill herself.

she literally worked herself up so much over it I had to slap her to calm her down, hug her, hold her, and let her cry it out.
literally no idea why she thought the problems = she should die.

@GalaGirl

I do carry/manage her a lot, but I also understand why she is the way she is, some of it is very much the same that I dealt with growing up.
I used to walk on eggshells, I don't anymore but I am also very diplomatic too, I have a customer service experience of 9+ years under my belt.

I feel that if she had another set of arms that could hold and hug her when she needed it, that would help her out a lot too. I just dont think she would be able to do it with anyone who is just a friend, it would have to be someone that is special to her too and can trust with her heart. its the part of the reasoning that I have been reluctant to express because I know that it would be taken the wrong way. She needs to feel loved, and I think that her original attempts to question her desire to experience another woman may have been that she cracked open the window but didn't open it yet.

She never had girlfriends in school if she was hurt or upset they would follow her into the girls bathroom and cry it out with her, she was alone.
it was the other people that would follow her in.
 
ref2018 said:
The more you tell us, the less it looks like becoming involved with a new person would benefit either the new person or your wife. This sounds like the typical "relationship broken, add people." Other people are not going to help make anything better. It does sound like your wife is depressed and has problems that don't have anything to do with your mismatched sex drives or whether or not you're going to replace her. This is not about polyamory and the advice you need is beyond the paygrade of this forum.
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well thats the thing that is confusing me the most here, it was her idea.
sure like 90% of men on the planet, there is the dream of having XYZ number of women fawning over you and having your dick worshiped like a god, and probably 85% know that is just a dream that will never happen like in the cheesy movies/anime/fanfiction etc that you find it in.

one of her co-workers whom she offered me to while she was at work, is a younger 4'.3' Filipino woman, I am 5'.5' who encountered us on the street and commented that I would probably turn her into a Kabob, acting all flirty to me while my wife is laughing, said she had better hope I dont get stuck in her or we would have to keep her as a pet.

I was standing there not sure of how to react all the while the co-worker is looking like she likes the idea more and more.

I later asked the wife if she was actually willing to share me, because if she was open to it, being her idea after all, I pointed out that it would not be a one-time thing and I would rather have the other person actually part of our family instead of a booty call.

"I dont know, stop bringing it up" @_@
 
My life revolves around avoiding making conflict with her, lots of redirections or pacification, but she also knows that I do that at times but probably not how much I do it.

I also tend to be protective over the kids when she has her emotional breakdowns over things, making sure I am the target or in her way.

I know how to put on a mask and redirect people's questions if I am ok. I'm fine.
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I don’t think introducing any kind of polyamory is going to improve your life right now. I think you need to sort out self and marriage and family before trying to add more people (into strictly defined roles).

Enjoy your kinks and fantasies, but also work with a professional to unpack the parts where you’re accommodating and anticipating every perceived weakness in spouse and potential conflict between you. You have a lot going on. Leaping into poly (and cajoling spouse into strapping onto you for the ride) seems like a bad idea.
 
Flirting is one thing. Reality is another.

"I dont know, stop bringing it up" @_@
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I'd go with this. Stop bringing it up.

And if SHE does it again? YOU have your own line in the sand.

"No, let's not joke like that any more. We agreed to stop bringing that kind of thing up."

Keep your life simpler.

Galagirl
 
Just a question or two here to change the perspective and give you a mor objective view.
Why not a second husband?
What does this “perfect third” look like to your wife?
It really does sound like you’re building a box and trying to find someone that fits.
I find that meeting people organically then seeing how they can fit is often more effective.
Keep communicating, make sure your wife’s voice is heard. If you direct this from just one perspective you’re bound for disappointment in my opinion.
 
Mr Maple said:
well thats the thing that is confusing me the most here, it was her idea.

...
"I dont know, stop bringing it up" @_@
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The way I tried to sell the idea to Mrs. Maple was to have a companion at home, to have a best friend, and someone else to help us manage the family life that is full of mayhem, chaos, and destruction.
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Why did you lead off in the very first post of this thread with "sell her the idea" if if was *her* idea? *She* should be the one "selling" it to *you*, no?

I think your 9+ years of customer service under your belt are not enough. You *think* you're being blunt and straightforward, but you're actually being very evasive and cagey.
 
@fkarl

She asked me that once, I asked her how many openings she would be able to use at the same time and what ones, then pointed out that anal and vaginal have been claimed to be lost of fun for some women.

She cringed, butt is off limits.
I think she just wanted to get my reaction, but I know that she tends to push off from other guys unless they happen to be gay, she is not really interested in being around other men at all.

Loves to be around other women.

The only part of the box I want the other woman to fit in, is that she be part of the entire family. I would hope for at least her to be a best friend for my wife, if they have sex together I would not complain.
treat the kids right.
non smoker.
enjoy the fact that I take great pleasure in telling the worst jokes in the world, do it with pride, and because they are the worst makes them funny.

I think thats a short list.

@ref2018

At first, my wife was making comments about more or less pimping me out to her friends etc, from there I brought up the poly lifestyle and having a person instead just join us and become part of the family because I dont do casual sex with someone.

At first she was kind of open to the idea but didnt know much about it so I started to read up on it, The laws etc etc. hurt my head in some of it.

She made comments about X person or other coming into the family, everything was sounding like she was open to it then .... no.

She later claimed that it was outside he comfort, she doesnt want to share a home with another woman, doesnt want to be replaced and all the stuff I stated before.

It was at that point I was explaining the pros and cons about the full deal, leaving sex as the last part of the conversation, but her conversations were always about me fucking other women, trying to pimp me out to them.

I will only fuck a woman that I have a commitment too with the goal of her being literally or figuratively my wife, be that 1 woman or 50, I'm not going to treat them like a fuck toy unless its sex talk/play.

I'm the guy who has sex with the lights on so I can see her, look into her eyes and take pride that I am doing the things to her and making her feel loved, desired and cared for.

talking in person is different from talking on a forum, I have time to think about what I am trying to say, in person I just say it.
 
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