How to keep focus on the primary relationship while nre.

M

Mayki

New member
Hey everybody,

One simple question for the ones of you that experienced NRE while being in a long term primary relationship.
How do you keep the focus on your primary?
How do you not got nuts and let your feelings take the better of you?
How does it affect positively or negatively your primary?
Is it even possible to not get xomplerely lost?

I feel I might start something with someone soon and I feel mindful of that. I would love to hear some experiences.

Thank you so much 😊
 
As someone who has experienced the other end of NRE, here's some food for thought: Reassure your partner about the status of the primary relationship, even when they don't ask for it. It goes a long way in making them feel secure. Granted, a lot of relationship work probably should have been done before anyone new came into your life, but reassurance always helps.

If you haven't scheduled date nights with your primary, maybe schedule those. That helps keep focus on your partner and they don't feel 'lost' or 'forgotten' or 'second fiddle'. Send nice texts or leave nice notes. Again, you're giving them attention, which helps alleviate those feelings (it helped me).

From personal experience, it helps if your primary actually likes their meta. It's easier for me to process my partner's NRE when I am on friendly terms with them. If they are on friendly terms, then it might help with explaining to your partner about what you are feeling. You might get the support you want, and make it easier to display your emotions whenever the discussion of your other partner comes up. Communication is key on this particular idea, especially in their honesty about how they feel about your new partner.

I hope this helps.
 
Mayki said:
How do you keep the focus on your primary?
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Your hormones surrounding your good feelings for the new person are designed by nature to be overwhelming. But you still love your primary partner. (If you don't, if that relationship is actually in trouble, your NRE for new shiny person will shine a bright spotlight on what is missing with your primary.) Show the original partner you care. Go on dates. Focus on them with quality time. Don't talk to them non-stop about new shiny person. (Blab that stuff to another poly-friendly friend.) Make sure your sex life is healthy/frequent enough. Keep going on adventures with the primary. Don't reserve the fun stuff for the new shiny, and just the boring house chores, childcare, etc. for the original partner.
Mayki said:
How do you not go nuts and let your feelings take the better of you?
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It's a struggle sometimes, but it is possible. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and your primary had a new shiny person. How would you feel if they neglected you? Remember, NRE is temporary. The new shiny person might feel perfect. But they aren't. In 6-18 months your rose-colored glasses will come off. Don't risk losing your first partner. Maybe new person won't work out long-term. You never know. Be wary. Tread carefully.
Mayki said:
How does it affect positively or negatively your primary?
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We have a term for it: poly hell. Read this.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com
Mayki said:
Is it possible to not get completely lost?
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You do risk losing your first partner if you ignore them.
Mayki said:
I feel I might start something with someone soon and I feel mindful of that. I would love to hear some experiences.

Thank you so much 😊
Click to expand...
 
Hi Mayki,

NRE is a powerful drug. You are going to feel the way you feel. The only choice you have in the matter is how you actually handle your feelings. Do you let your feelings control you, or do you make a decision to act a certain way based on what you see as fair and healthy?

If you want to keep the focus on your primary, then you need to choose specific actions that favor your primary. You might not feel like doing these actions, but you do them anyway because you believe it is the fair and healthy way to go. The most obvious of these actions is to spend more time with your primary, and make sure it is quality time, for instance not just sitting in the same room while you converse on your phone.

Sometimes in NRE we feel one thing and do another.
Regards and sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you so much to all of you for those so valuable insights!
It is really strange because i have been excited to have this for so long.
And now that it might happen i am also scared. I know myself and i can tend to be very intense.
But i really do not want to loose my primary, my partner and I are so wonderful together.

It's scary in the end. Funny, how what I am longing for is also now the source of fear.
 
No doubt you are scared because you realize that NRE can be hard to handle. I know I have made choices under the influence of NRE that I now regret. Just take it as slow as you can, do not rush into anything.
 
Mayki said:
Thank you so much to all of you for those so valuable insights!
It is really strange because i have been excited to have this for so long.
And now that it might happen i am also scared. I know myself and i can tend to be very intense.
But i really do not want to loose my primary, my partner and I are so wonderful together.

It's scary in the end. Funny, how what I am longing for is also now the source of fear.
Click to expand...
We all have fantasies that go just the way we want because we are just imagining it all, we are in charge of the story. The other people in our fantasies are just characters in a fictional story. When we start to make our fantasies a reality, we realize that the other people are wild cards. We can't predict or proscribe how they act.

It's good you have enough self-knowledge to be concerned that you might go off the deep end. You can continue to post here to keep yourself accountable, to make sure you are still being fair and acting lovingly to your primary partner. And remember, if you do make mistakes (and you will) you can always apologize and learn from your mistakes and try to do better. Things get easier with practice. You can do your research and you will also learn by doing.
 
Thank you so much everybody for your answers.

Unfortunately it seem that i am not gonna get to do this experience just yet.

I guess polyamory just isn't for everybody.

Second time it happens to me. That someone likes me but can't deal with the fact that i am already in a relationship.
I guess I have to be more clear about what I am looking for before to meet someone.

Did this happen to you too?
 
Yep, totally. It's just in the "too hard basket" for many people.
 
It's painful.

In the end it's crazy that 2 people liking each other is really not enough to build something.

I guess it's true in any relationship.
But polyamory definitely brings its own layer of complexity.
 
Monogamy is a powerful doctrine. It has much traction in our society; people are trained to react negatively when there's a poly situation (such as two people liking each other but one of the people is already in a relationship). Yes polyamory is more complex than monogamy, but it shouldn't be valued any less and yet it is.
 
Yes this person i was dating just couldn't imagine anything else than casual sex or commited relationship.

For me, there is a lot in between we could have enjoyed.
But he didn't see it.
 
Yeah, it's like the only way nonmonogamy can be permissible, is if it's just NSA/ONS sex.
 
Mayki said:
Yes this person I was dating just couldn't imagine anything else than casual sex or committed relationship. For me, there is a lot in between we could have enjoyed. But he didn't see it.
Click to expand...
Most monogamists don't realize there is this thing called the relationship escalator. They just think the goal is to ride it to the top, in every prospective relationship. Basically, the escalator goes like this.

Meet (online) and start chatting
Move to phone calls, Facetime

or

Meet in person through friends, or at a bar, or at the grocery store, or hobby club, etc.
One of you asks the other to go on a date
Meet in person, first date
Start dating regularly

Or... Meet online and have a long-distance relationship where you only see each other X amount of days a year. This can go on for years or even forever.

If meeting regularly (and not asexual) start kissing, making out, fondling
(or have sex on the first date, of course)
Start having penetrative intercourse
Start to spend one night together, regularly, or not so often
If that goes well, start to spend a few days in a row together, say, a weekend now and then
Start to spend overnights together regularly
Declare to each other that you are official (bf and gf or whatever gender you are)
Fall in love
Start to say "I love you"
Tell your friends and family about your dating partner
Introduce your bf/gf to friends
Introduce your gf/bf to family

At this point on the escalator, this might be the floor you stay on forever. Dating, hanging out on weekends, doing things with your friends and family, like dinners, going to shows, sports activities, and so on. But you each maintain your own home, and you don't spend every day together. Or you may stay on this floor for years and then finally move up. If you decide to keep riding the escalator up, you proceed to:

Start celebrating holidays, birthdays, other important events, together with your families
Start taking vacations together
Move in together
Get a pet together
Perhaps get a joint bank account
Have kids
Buy a house
Get married
Grow old together
or
Divorce

Now, if you are poly and already have a partner or two, and start seeing someone new, you will have to take more people's wishes into account. Maybe you're poly and never want to live with any of your partners. You like having your own space. Or maybe you're in long-term relationship, or married, and already live with a partner. Will you also want to live with a newer partner eventually? Maybe you will go between 2 houses (half the week with Partner A and half the week with Partner B) or maybe both your partners will agree to live with you. If married, maybe you'll divorce your spouse (while remaining partners) so that no partner will have more legal rights than the other.

So, that's the relationship escalator in a nutshell; the grey area between casual sex and full-on commitment.
 
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