How to seek long-term connection

[Quasar]

I always try to go for long-term and I state this up front. I have learned to take things SLOW. Build the foundation before getting into bed. Date a lot, text, phone calls, hang out, have movie night, game night, hiking. Allow most of the NRE to pass before getting physicial.
STI testing and careful talks about this. I wait at least 6 weeks.
So far this formula has proven to be a good one.

That has been somewhat my approach. I speak to women for weeks, months, even years before meeting them. Still has the same result.

I could not host in my home due various reasons, and also opened up in a tumultuous phase of our lives. Now I have more space to actually do all the things as described.

I do feel I need to have the physical compatibility, and rather know sooner than later. It is how I show my love the most.

 

[Magdlyn]

That has been somewhat my approach. I speak to women for weeks, months, even years before meeting them. Still has the same result.

That's a bit surprising, then. I asked before what the reasons were several women gave you for ending the relationships soon after meeting, when you seemed to think you and she/they were compatible for a longer-term relationship? Was it not being able to host, or some unspecified struggles between you and your wife, or something else?

(You don't have to answer, but since you came here wondering what went wrong, it would be helpful to know.)

I could not host in my home due various reasons, and also opened up in a tumultuous phase of our lives. Now I have more space to actually do all the things as described.

I do feel I need to have the physical compatibility, and rather know sooner than later. It is how I show my love the most.

 

[Quasar]

That's a bit surprising, then. I asked before what the reasons were several women gave you for ending the relationships soon after meeting, when you seemed to think you and she/they were compatible for a longer-term relationship? Was it not being able to host, or some unspecified struggles between you and your wife, or something else?

(You don't have to answer, but since you came here wondering what went wrong, it would be helpful to know.)

Yes. All those things combined.
It was/is a very parallel poly, and my wife had issues with overnights.

At a certain point a person would like to have more, and I would like to give more, but the situation was not viable enough to do so.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes. All those things combined. It was/is a very parallel poly, and my wife had issues with overnights. At a certain point a person would like to have more, and I would like to give more, but the situation was not viable enough to do so.

Ah, okay. So now things are changing, and it's possible you'll be able to host in the not-too-distant future, the issues with the older relatives and the elder kid, and whatnot, having evolved.

What you say about wanting more reminds me of the relationship escalator in poly. I haven't written it out in a while, so here goes.

In monogamy, ideally, you and your dating partner are headed towards some kind of permanent thing, just the two of you. Either living together, or actually getting married. But there are many stages to a relationship, and in poly, there is often no need or desire to ride the escalator to the top.

Starting from the bottom of the escalator (but not necessarily entirely in this order, and sometimes skipping a floor altogether), the two members of a typical relationship today can get off at any floor:

Swiping on a dating site
Chatting on the site
Exchanging numbers and chatting more
Maybe exchanging more pix (even naughty ones)
Phone calls, video calls
First date
Subsequent dates
Making out
Sex
Overnights
Weekends together
Calling each other bf/gf/partner, or another term indicating this is "real"
Meeting each other's friends
Meeting each other's families
Taking vacations together
Moving in together at one of your places
Getting a pet together
Mingling finances to a degree
Making a major purchase, furniture, a car
Actually buying/renting an apartment/house/condo together, sharing a lease or mortgage
Having kids
Getting married
Lifelong commitment (or divorce, as the case may be)
Growing older together
Retiring together
Going on a world tour (haha)
Golden years

So. You have a wife and kids, a home of some sort. You've traveled somewhere up the escalator with the wife and plan to stay on it.

But meanwhile, you want one or more long-term relationships with other women. Perhaps you need to determine what that means for you regarding the escalator, what you can offer. And then you also need to consult your future poly dating partners about where they'd like to be on the escalator with you, and with any other partners they may have now, or in the future. And you need some consent from wife for you getting off at one or another of these floors with future partner(s).

The more you have your life together, the more you and wife are on the same page, the more attractive you will seem as a dependable poly partner who seems like a good bet for a long-term future with someone new.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Quasar,

It seems to me that long-term relationships emerge slowly, you can't start dating someone right away and expect that to last. My experience -- I've had two long-term partners in my life -- has been that long-term connections start out as long-term friendships. Your experience may differ from mine, but give it some thought.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Quasar]

Hello Quasar,

It seems to me that long-term relationships emerge slowly, you can't start dating someone right away and expect that to last. My experience -- I've had two long-term partners in my life -- has been that long-term connections start out as long-term friendships. Your experience may differ from mine, but give it some thought.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Thank you, Kevin.
With majority of the women there is always a mental compatibility. It seems my inability to offer more down the escalator was the problem while I do have the willingness for it.

 

[Quasar]

Ah, okay. So now things are changing, and it's possible you'll be able to host in the not-too-distant future, the issues with the older relatives and the elder kid, and whatnot, having evolved.

Relatives have not evolved. They are still not very supportive, but we wanted the elderly around during younger years. But we will be telling the children, so eventually there will be some distance there with family. Or a parallel social arrangement.

What you say about wanting more reminds me of the relationship escalator in poly. I haven't written it out in a while, so here goes.

In monogamy, ideally, you and your dating partner are headed towards some kind of permanent thing, just the two of you. Either living together, or actually getting married. But there are many stages to a relationship, and in poly, there is often no need or desire to ride the escalator to the top.

Starting from the bottom of the escalator (but not necessarily entirely in this order, and sometimes skipping a floor altogether), the two members of a typical relationship today can get off at any floor:

Swiping on a dating site
Chatting on the site
Exchanging numbers and chatting more
Maybe exchanging more pix (even naughty ones)
Phone calls, video calls
First date
Subsequent dates
Making out
Sex
Overnights
Weekends together
Calling each other bf/gf/partner, or another term indicating this is "real"
Meeting each other's friends
Meeting each other's families
Taking vacations together
Moving in together at one of your places
Getting a pet together
Mingling finances to a degree
Actually buying/renting an apartment/house/condo together, sharing a lease or mortgage
Having kids
Getting married
Lifelong commitment (or divorce, as the case may be)
Growing old together
Retiring together
Golden years

So. You have a wife and kids, a home of some sort. You've traveled somewhere up the escalator with the wife and plan to stay on it.

But meanwhile, you want one or more long-term relationships with other women. Perhaps you need to determine what that means for you regarding the escalator, what you can offer. And then you also need to consult your future poly dating partners about where they'd like to be on the escalator with you, and with any other partners they may have now, or in the future. And you need some consent from wife for you getting off at one or another of these floors with future partner(s).

Thank you, Magdlyn. Very informative.

I do see myself growing old with another partner, I do not necessarily have to be living or owning a house with that partner. But another GF where we can have a long-haul commitment and meet each other's friends and family (well, the ones that are supportive) would be very nice to have.

My family would not want my other GF around if they were visiting for example. I am not sure how I will have to navigate that.

My wife would be supportive of a garden party poly model, but only after the children are comfortable.

The more you have your life together, the more you and wife are on the same page, the more attractive you will seem as a dependable poly partner who seems like a good bet for a long-term future with someone new.