How to seek long-term connection

Quasar

New member
Hi everyone,

My wife and I opened up our relationship a few years ago. She is not interested in meeting someone and is staying mono. In the years of opening up there were a lot of lows. We found the equilibrium this year. The issue is that I meet wonderful people, but they only seem to last for a couple of months. How do I find people that are willing to see me long term?

My wife and I are still dating. We have kids and meaningful jobs that are taking up a lot of time. How does everyone meet someone with small children?

Any advice is appreciated.
 
First, I would ask the obvious: did the people you date say they were looking for long-term relationships? If so, then they just weren't compatible with you for some reason. It takes time to get to know if a person is long-term compatible. This means you might date many short term until you find a good fit. The more limitations you have, or rules or obligations, the harder to find a good match. Just because you both want long term doesn't mean it will happen.

So many things have to align on both sides to make a relationship continue. In polyamory, the list of those things is longer and more difficult to come by. Enjoy yourself without expectations until you find the right one.
 
It is usually harder for the other party if a couple is opening up and going through transition. Everyone needs to be very patient during that phase.

Do you know your own limits and what you can offer? Are you letting the people you date know you want something long term?

What is your dynamic and that of the people you have dated? Usually it is easier to date someone with the same structure as you.

But good things take time, and great things can take a little longer.
 
First off, did anyone here change my way of wording? I do not write like that with a capital E. Please ask people for consent first. This is very intrusive.
 
First off, did anyone here change my way of wording? I do not write like that with a capital E. Please ask people for consent first. This is very intrusive.
Eh... Unlikely a mod would do this. Not like this forum at all. Autocorrect?

@Evie
 
First, I would ask the obvious: did the people you date say they were looking for a long term relationship? If so, then they just weren't compatible with you for some reason. It takes time to get to know if a person is long-term compatible. This means you might date many short term until you find a good fit. The more limitations you have, or rules or obligations, the harder to find a good match. Just because you both want long term doesn't mean it will happen.

So many things have to align on both sides to make a relationship continue. In polyamory, the list of those things is longer and more difficult to come by. Enjoy yourself without expectations until you find the right one.
A few of them have mentioned wanting longterm. While I think it is going well, it fizzles out after a couple of times of meeting.

Isn't it good to have some expectations? Especially if one wants it to go somewhere.
 
It is usually harder for the other party if a couple is opening up and going through transition. Everyone needs to be very patient during that phase.

Do you know your own limits and what you can offer? Are you letting the people you date know you want something long term?

What is your dynamic and that of the people you have dated? Usually it is easier to date someone with the same structure as you.

But good things take time, and great things can take a little longer.
Yes. We have found the stability.

There may be limits in what I can offer, compared to what I actually feel I would like to offer. I am letting them know I want something longterm with someone and my wife is supportive in doing so.
We are still shielding the children as they are small and will tell them when they are a little bigger and asking questions.

It is varied bunch of women I dated. Some single, some are partnered (even with kids).
 
There may be limits in what I can offer, compared to what I actually feel I would like to offer. I am letting them know I want something long term with someone and my wife is supportive in doing so.

It is a varied bunch of women I dated. Some single, some are partnered (even with kids).
What were the varied reasons the women gave you for not wanting to keep dating you?
 
I always try to go for long-term and I state this up front. I have learned to take things SLOW. Build the foundation before getting into bed. Date a lot, text, phone calls, hang out, have movie night, game night, hiking. Allow most of the NRE to pass before getting physicial.
STI testing and careful talks about this. I wait at least 6 weeks.
So far this formula has proven to be a good one.
 
I always try to go for long-term and I state this up front. I have learned to take things SLOW. Build the foundation before getting into bed. Date a lot, text, phone calls, hang out, have movie night, game night, hiking. Allow most of the NRE to pass before getting physicial.
STI testing and careful talks about this. I wait at least 6 weeks.
So far this formula has proven to be a good one.
It takes a lot longer than six weeks for NRE to pass, but yeah. If you want long term, I agree it's better to not hop into bed on the first date. However, I did with Pixi and here we are 16 years later. I think we talked online for about two weeks before meeting. I had sex with Aries on our second date, and now we're on year three. But we talked as friends on Fetlife for two years before we even met (once Covid vaccines were available).

However, the right person really does have to come along, where there is long-term compatibility. I've dated several dozen people since 2009 (and chatted with hundreds), and while Pixi was a lucky chance, and my first dating partner after my divorce, it took a dozen more years before I met Aries. I'd had other relationships in between, that lasted one to two and a half years, but they didn't work out for one reason or another. Finding really solid, really lasting relationships takes a ton of patience, and sometimes you just might want to quit trying for a while, because it can cause burn-out.
 
Isn't it good to have some expectations? Especially if one wants it to go somewhere.
Of course, but you have to have different expectations in the beginning. Expect to be treated with respect. Expect that they will end things once they figure out that you aren't a good match, instead of stringing you along and wasting your time.

In the beginning, it's about getting to know one another, building intimacy and feeling chemistry. I look for long term. It's what I want, but you have to learn about a person to see if they are someone you want to be in a long-term relationship with. For those being authentic from day one, I can usually figure that out in about 6 months. I know if they are long term for me and I usually know if they aren't marriage material for me in that time. (I can absolutely spend my life with someone I'll never marry.) If someone isn't being their true self yet, because most people put their best foot forward, so to speak, it may take longer to see who they really are.

I've gone on so many dates. You can chat with a person, and feel like you are connecting well, and like everything they present, and then there's no chemistry. I've dated these types of connections longer BECAUSE they were great people. I enjoyed my time with them and wanted to see if something would develop, but sadly, it didn't and I had to move on. I need chemistry. I need that chemical that drives me to WANT to spend time with that person, to want to talk to them daily and grow that deeper connection. Without it, the "getting to know you" process is so much effort and work that I don't desire.

Other times it takes a little more time to figure out if certain connections are actually good or not. You cannot expect that just because someone wants long term that they will start that from day one. It doesn't work that way.

For me, it's incredibly rare to find someone I'm attracted to who also has a personality, values and philosophies that work with mine. I've gone out on 100 first dates and less than 5% made it to a second date. Even less made it further than that and only 1 has ever been marriage material for me. And think of the 1000's of people I see monthly and have no interest in dating at all.

It takes BOTH people feeling something and wanting to learn more to keep things going. Once one of them is no longer interested, it's over. Add poly, practicing your kind of poly, where your needs and availability match theirs, where each of your life situations work together, etc., and it gets harder and harder to find the right one(s). Sometimes it takes years to find that person, and it's worth it.

So don't get rid of your expectations, just change them. Expect to meet some interesting people along the way. Expect to have some amazing dates and some bad ones. Expect it will take time to find the right people for you. And have no expectations of anything being long term on the first date or any number of dates. Long term is achieved by actually continuing to date, not the desire for long term. You shouldn't want long term from anyone willing to do it. You should want long term from the people who want to keep dating you and you also want to keep dating.
 
There may be limits in what I can offer, compared to what I actually feel I would like to offer.
What you would like and are able to offer, are very different things. You want to, but can't find the time, space or resources to do so.

How do you see yourself with someone else than your wife?
 
What you would like and are able to offer, are very different things. You want to, but can't find the time, space or resources to do so.

How do you see yourself with someone else than your wife?
Eventually I would see myself with my partners all together being able to spend time, but that would be when we have told the children. We are maybe thinking to tell the eldest. I see we have still some process in that area.

My wife has met a few of my dates, but no interest at this time unless it will be really serious. She is however not comfortable with me hosting someone at our home, and I have to take a hotel everytime I would like to meet someone or go to their place. It is mainly because we have not told the children.
 
Of course, but you have to have different expectations in the beginning. Expect to be treated with respect. Expect that they will end things once they figure out that you aren't a good match instead of stringing you along and wasting your time.

In the beginning it's about getting to know one another, building intimacy and feeling chemistry. I look for long term. It's what I want, but you have to learn about a person to see if they are someone you want to be in a long term relationship with. For those being authentic from day one, I can usually figure that out in about 6 months. I know if they are long term for me and I usually know if they aren't marriage material for me in that time. (I can absolutely spend my life with someone I'll never marry). If someone isn't being their true selves yet, because most people put their best foot forward, so to speak, it may take longer to see who they really are.

I've gone on so many dates. You can chat with a person and feel like you are connecting well and like everything they present and then there's no chemistry. I've dated these types of connections longer BECAUSE they were great people, I enjoyed my time with them and wanted to see if something would develop but sadly it didn't and I had to move on. I need chemistry. I need that chemical that drives me to WANT to spend time with that person, to want to talk to them daily and grow that deeper connection. Without it the "getting to know you" process is so much effort and work that I don't desire.

Other times it takes a little more time to figure out if certain connections are actually good or not. You cannot expect that just because someone wants long term that they will start that from day one. It doesn't work that way.

For me, it's incredibly rare to find someone I'm attracted to who also has a personality, values and philosophies that work with mine. I've gone out on 100 first dates and less than 5% made it to a second date. Even less made it further than that and only 1 has ever been marriage material for me. And think of the 1000's of people I see monthly and have no interest in dating at all.

It takes BOTH people feeling something and wanting to learn more to keep things going. Once one of them is no longer interested, it's over. Add poly, practicing your kind of poly, where your needs and availability match theirs, where each of your life situations work together, etc, and it gets harder and harder to find the right one(s). Some people it takes years to find that person, and it's worth it.

So don't get rid of your expectations, just change them. Expect to meet some interesting people along the way. Expect to have some amazing dates and some bad ones. Expect it will take time to find the right people for you. And have no expectations of anything being long term on the first date or any number of dates. Long term is achieved by actually continuing to date, not the desire for long term. You shouldn't want long term from anyone willing to do it. You should want long term from the people who want to keep dating you and you also want to keep dating.
Thank you, Bobbi.

I did want to be with someone that I met a long while back. My wife had a very difficult time with work and me seeing her, so the person eventually gave up. It was during one of ours lows, so it was also not fair on the person I was dating, so that perhaps contributed to the lack of consistency in my behaviour.

Recognizing chemistry is not a problem for me. I need one date to know if I would like to continue seeing someone, but need at least half a year to know if I am willing to commit. The ones have either no patience, or I am the one that was not available enough due family obligations. Those have changed now and I have more space, and still trying to create more of it.
 
Eventually I would see myself with my partners all together being able to spend time...
This is what we call the "kitchen-table poly" model. Some people practice that. But what if you have two partners who don't want to hang out together, just because they are both dating you? Not all "metamours" want that. They are just dating their partner, and don't want to be close friends with his other partner(s).

In that case, some people practice "garden party poly," where the metamours only hang out at special occasions, like a holiday party, or their shared partner's birthday.

Finally, there is "parallel poly," where the hinge of the V dates their (say) two partners, but those partners never hang out. They can meet at the door and be polite, they can share phone numbers in case of emergencies, but that's about it.
but that would be when we have told the children. We are maybe thinking to tell the eldest. I see we have still some process in that area.
The topic of kids and poly is a big one! A lot of it depends on the bigger picture of being "out" as poly, and to whom. Are you out to your kids, your siblings, your closest friends, your parents, at work, to the neighbors?
My wife has met a few of my dates, but no interest at this time unless it will be really serious. She is however not comfortable with me hosting someone at our home, and I have to take a hotel everytime I would like to meet someone or go to their place. It is mainly because we have not told the children.
 
Eventually I would see myself with my partners all together being able to spend time,
Does your Wife feel the same?
but that would be when we have told the children. We are maybe thinking to tell the eldest. I see we have still some process in that area.
How old are the kids? I find children in formative years easier, because they serve as a blank slate. Mononormative behaviours to poly will affect harder on someone when they are a (young) adolescent. Either way, kids need to transition too.
My wife has met a few of my dates, but no interest at this time unless it will be really serious.
So she hasn't seen you really being in love with someone yet? Because that's way different than a few dates not turning out well and being floated away in the throes of NRE (New Relationship Energy).

She is however not comfortable with me hosting someone at our home, and I have to take a hotel everytime I would like to meet someone or go to their place. It is mainly because we have not told the children.
That's okay. If you seek to insert your children more in your poly life, take your time with that.
 
This is what we call the "kitchen-table poly" model. Some people practice that. But what if you have two partners who don't want to hang out together, just because they are both dating you? Not all "metamours" want that. They are just dating their partner, and don't want to be close friends with his other partner(s).

In that case, some people practice "garden party poly," where the metamours only hang out at special occasions, like a holiday party, or their shared partner's birthday.

Finally, there is "parallel poly," where the hinge of the V dates their (say) two partners, but those partners never hang out. They can meet at the door and be polite, they can share phone numbers in case of emergencies, but that's about it.

The topic of kids and poly is a big one! A lot of it depends on the bigger picture of being "out" as poly, and to whom. Are you out to your kids, your siblings, your closest friends, your parents, at work, to the neighbors?
"Kitchen-table poly" is something I would like to have, but a "parallel poly" is the structure that I have only been able to offer, and it has not been working out for me.

At a point I would like to work on a "garden party" model when telling the children. Atleast the elder one.

I am not out to my kids, but I am to my family, friends and colleagues. Family was a tough one as I come from a religious background. No support. Friends are semi-supportive and my colleagues are a mixed bag. Hence we have not told the kids, because of the backlash of our environment. Family does not want to know anything about it, friends I do not see very often and my colleagues relationship are good with it. I did date a colleague briefly.
 
Does your Wife feel the same?
My wife does not share that vision right now, but could see it in the future. For now our children are our priority.

The garden party model is something we hopefully could work to.

How old are the kids? I find children in formative years easier, because they serve as a blank slate. Mononormative behaviours to poly will affect harder on someone when they are a (young) adolescent. Either way, kids need to transition too.
I am in agreement, LaminarFlow.
Unfortunately due to our environment we were very hesitant to do so. Especially having our directly family taking care of the little one. I atleast would like to come out to the elder one. They are both still in their formative years.

So she hasn't seen you really being in love with someone yet? Because that's way different than a few dates not turning out well and being floated away in the throes of NRE (New Relationship Energy).
She has. Once. I had to break if off, because wife and I were dealing with more things than just opening up our relationship. We did not handle it well. Things are much better since, and we have improved.
That's okay. If you seek to insert your children more in your poly life, take your time with that.
Thank you.
 
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