How to start / deal with only one spouse (wife) being in a poly relationship?

[Stryker99709]

Hi, we are very new to this and while the idea seems attractive to me for some reason, I'm having a hard time actually going through with it.

A little bit of background on us we are a MF married couple that has been married for going on 12 years, though our relationship has had its ups and downs we do love each other and our sex life is good.

How do yall deal with only one partner (my wife) being in a poly relationship?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Brookecleo2536,

There is a thread you may find helpful; it is called, The Struggling Mono Thread. There are many things to deal with in a mono/poly relationship, although I get the impression that a poly/poly relationship is something that you are willing to consider, you are just having a hard time actually going through with it. Can you identify any of the things that are making going through with it difficult for you? How about things that are making it difficult for you to have only your wife (not you at this time) be in a poly relationship?

I hope we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Stryker99709]

Hey thanks for the reply, the issue I'm having with it is the whole relationship part of it, having my wife being in a relationship with someone else. As of now we are only considering a mono(me) and poly(her) relationship

 

[kdt26417]

Hey, good to hear from you again, it definitely sounds like you are shooting for a mono/poly relationship, and you are definitely "the struggling mono." What bothers you the most, the sexual aspect (of her other relationship), or the emotional aspect (her being in love with another person)? Also, Are You in Poly Hell?

 

[Stryker99709]

The part that bothering me the most is the relationship aspect

 

[GalaGirl]

I see that her having another relationship bothers you, but you aren't actually articulating what parts of it bother you.

Maybe reading these helps you find the words to describe what you are feeling or thinking? Or worried about?

https://www.kathylabriola.com/artic...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

https://practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Could also be anticipatory grief. Even when the change is wanted? You and wife are basically ending the previous model in favor of this new one. It can feel like a break up or a sense of loss, because this isn't what you signed up for or imagined when you got married.

And when the "old normal" is gone, and the "new normal" is yet to appear, living through the transitional space can be pretty weird. Even though some weird is normal, it can be taxing.

Galagirl

 

[Stryker99709]

I see that her having another relationship bothers you, but you aren't actually articulating what parts of it bother you.

Maybe reading these helps you find the words to describe what you are feeling or thinking? Or worried about?

https://www.kathylabriola.com/artic...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

https://practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Could also be anticipatory grief. Even when the change is wanted? You and wife are basically ending the previous model in favor of this new one. It can feel like a break up or a sense of loss, because this isn't what you signed up for or imagined when you got married.

And when the "old normal" is gone, and the "new normal" is yet to appear, living through the transitional space can be pretty weird. Even though some weird is normal, it can be taxing.

Galagirl

Thanks for your reply, after reading it I'm pretty sure what I'm experiencing is anticipatory grief. I am extremely worried that if/when my wife and the guy she is talking to start dating and/or having sex that ill just be thrown to the side, left to deal with the household while she's away for weekend trips and vacations. I appreciate your reply and look forward to reading the articles.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am extremely worried that if/when my wife and the guy she is talking to start dating and/or having sex that ill just be thrown to the side, left to deal with the household while she's away for weekend trips and vacations.

That's a reasonable concern. Especially if you don't really know this side of your wife yet -- how is she when drunk on NRE? How is she as a hinge?

You don't have benefit of past experience to say "Oh, she's always goofy for the first ___ weeks, then she calms down" or something. Which might be comforting. It's a harder when it's FIRST PERSON EVER, as opposed to "We've done this before. This is just first time seeing Bob, and not like we never dealt with NRE stuff" or similar.

You could talk to her about these concerns. And maybe read the links together. Another to read might be the detangling one.

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!

medium.com

Even if you yourself aren't going to date other people? YOU need to be able to get away once in a while for time on your own, with friends, NOT dealing with the household. You also need breaks.

Galagirl

 

[dingedheart]

Hi, we are very new to this and while the idea seems attractive to me for some reason, I'm having a hard time actually going through with it.

A little bit of background on us we are a MF married couple that has been married for going on 12 years, though our relationship has had its ups and downs we do love each other and our sex life is good.

How do yall deal with only one partner (my wife) being in a poly relationship

Hi and welcome to forum

How long have you and your wife been kicking this around and what have each of you done to prep for this radical rewriting of relationship structure ?

I am extremely worried that if/when my wife and the guy she is talking to start dating and/or having sex that ill just be thrown to the side, left to deal with the household while she's away for weekend trips and vacations

I think mourning the loss of the old marriage and relationship is one thing and a phase both of you will have to deal with but this sound more like anticipatory Poly Hell. This is demotion and displacement!

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks for your reply, after reading it I'm pretty sure what I'm experiencing is anticipatory grief. I am extremely worried that if/when my wife and the guy she is talking to start dating and/or having sex that ill just be thrown to the side, left to deal with the household while she's away for weekend trips and vacations. I appreciate your reply and look forward to reading the articles.

You can and should negotiate things such as weekends or actual vacations with OSOs. Maybe you won't feel ready for your wife to spend days at a time with her bf for quite some time. You can't demand anything, but you can certainly request things, baby steps, as you both start this journey.

I would say that, in general, relationships in polyamory don't just jump into long weekends and planned vacations with OSOs right away. I mean, a woman, especially, really has to trust a guy before she even goes on a date with him. Personally, I always meet a guy in public once, if not twice, before inviting him to my home for a few hours. We might then go on in this mode for many months, before we start doing overnights or even think about an actual vacation. (Again, this is just general advice. YMMV.)

Of course, this can vary. If a partner is long distance, you'd be more likely to spend a few days together sooner. (I would recommend a woman get a hotel room instead of going to her new long distance OSO's place for the first time, since if things don't work out, she has a safe comfortable place to be until she goes home.)

However, when my ex-h and I first opened our long term marriage, his gf (a former platonic friend) lived hundreds of miles away. So we worked it out (at first) that he'd drive to her city every 3 weeks for a 3 day trip. (A lot of time was spent on the road.) And we did have 3 kids (ages 9-15), and a lot of pets. So I was without his help with the kids, and the pet care, and all the home, garden and car maintenance he'd normally do on weekends, not to mention I just wouldn't have his companionship.

This did not work out well. He was in NRE, and wining and dining and sexing his gf on romantic dates for days at a time, while I was left with all the mundane household tasks. I didn't have an OSO, nor did I feel we had time for both of us to have partners! Meanwhile his gf was envious I had him with me most of the month. And they were spending unlimited time on the phone, as well.

We could have handled this better, but it was 1999 and we had very few resources for tips on how to do this. I did learn that long-distance relationships are extremely difficult and I prefer to this day to only date local people (less than 30 minutes drive away, ideally).

 

[Stryker99709]

You can and should negotiate things such as weekends or actual vacations with OSOs. Maybe you won't feel ready for your wife to spend days at a time with her bf for quite some time. You can't demand anything, but you can certainly request things, baby steps, as you both start this journey.

I would say that, in general, relationships in polyamory don't just jump into long weekends and planned vacations with OSOs right away. I mean, a woman, especially, really has to trust a guy before she even goes on a date with him. Personally, I always meet a guy in public once, if not twice, before inviting him to my home for a few hours. We might then go on in this mode for many months, before we start doing overnights or even think about an actual vacation. (Again, this is just general advice. YMMV.)

Of course, this can vary. If a partner is long distance, you'd be more likely to spend a few days together sooner. (I would recommend a woman get a hotel room instead of going to her new long distance OSO's place for the first time, since if things don't work out, she has a safe comfortable place to be until she goes home.)

However, when my ex-h and I first opened our long term marriage, his gf (a former platonic friend) lived hundreds of miles away. So we worked it out (at first) that he'd drive to her city every 3 weeks for a 3 day trip. (A lot of time was spent on the road.) And we did have 3 kids (ages 9-15), and a lot of pets. So I was without his help with the kids, and the pet care, and all the home, garden and car maintenance he'd normally do on weekends, not to mention I just wouldn't have his companionship.

This did not work out well. He was in NRE, and wining and dining and sexing his gf on romantic dates for days at a time, while I was left with all the mundane household tasks. I didn't have an OSO, nor did I feel we had time for both of us to have partners! Meanwhile his gf was envious I had him with me most of the month. And they were spending unlimited time on the phone, as well.

We could have handled this better, but it was 1999 and we had very few resources for tips on how to do this. I did learn that long-distance relationships are extremely difficult and I prefer to this day to only date local people (less than 30 minutes drive away, ideally).

Hey thinks for your advice, I really do appreciate all the great advise and personal experiences from people on here. After talking out alot of concerns with my wife last night we have agreed to slow things down quite a bit.

 

[kdt26417]

That's good that you agreed to slow things down. You were pretty stressed-out, and needed the break.