How to throuple?

H

HornyUnicorn143

New member
Hi! Looking for all and any advice on starting a throuple with a closed monogamous couple.

I left the father of my child because I found another person that I thought I was going to be happier with. I was finally having the kind of sex I thought would fill the void in my life. There were other reasons why I left him but sex was an issue with us, especially when I became a mom.

Fast forward 2 years later and I’m sick & tired of hiding the person I cared for from my daughter. Also there were some issues with him& alcohol so I broke that off. I began having feelings for the father of my child again & was asking if he was in a serious relationship with anyone. Trying to ask him if he He said no & I knew he was lying. He has has a girlfriend, found her through his ig.

Our relationship was always kind of poly without ever really acknowledging that’s what what we were doing. I knew he was with other girls & he knew I was with other guys but we never could be honest with one another. We both understand that it is possible to love more than one person at a time. We were just bad at communicating. He only agreed to therapy when I was leaving him. I suggested it again before I found out about his girlfriend and he was up for it. But as soon as I found out about her & she found a picture of my titts on his phone he won’t barely talk to me. But we are fucking.

I have been hooking up with him behind her back. Almost every time I initiate it. I would rather be a throuple and be honest with everyone. He won’t let either one of us go & I can’t let go either. His 40th birthday is coming up in February. I have been thinking about approaching her for a threesome, in hopes to initiate a poly relationship. Only think is, I don’t know anything about her sexuality at ALL. I would like to be able to surprise him, but I don’t want to cause him any backlash. How should I approach the situation? Should I ask him if she has ever been with a woman?


Please help
 
HornyUnicorn143 said:
How should I approach the situation?
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Immediately stop all of the cheating and lying. What you a describing is not a healthy way of relating to other people, and unless your goal is to have drama, it's not going to get you what you want.

Once you have completely stopped all of the cheating and lying, do some investigation into what it is that you want out of a relationship.​
Once you have an idea about what you want, be open and honest with potential partners about that.​
Express your expectations and your boundaries.​
Have them express their expectations and boundaries with you.​
Then develop a relationship in the natural overlap, if there is any.​
 
HornyUnicorn143 said:
Hi! Looking for all and any advice on starting a throuple with a closed monogamous couple.

I left the father of my child because I found another person that I thought I was going to be happier with. I was finally having the kind of sex I thought would fill the void in my life. There were other reasons why I left him but sex was an issue with us, especially when I became a mom.

Fast forward 2 years later and I’m sick & tired of hiding the person I cared for from my daughter. Also there were some issues with him& alcohol so I broke that off. I began having feelings for the father of my child again & was asking if he was in a serious relationship with anyone. Trying to ask him if he He said no & I knew he was lying. He has has a girlfriend, found her through his ig.

Our relationship was always kind of poly without ever really acknowledging that’s what what we were doing. I knew he was with other girls & he knew I was with other guys but we never could be honest with one another. We both understand that it is possible to love more than one person at a time. We were just bad at communicating. He only agreed to therapy when I was leaving him. I suggested it again before I found out about his girlfriend and he was up for it. But as soon as I found out about her & she found a picture of my titts on his phone he won’t barely talk to me. But we are fucking.

I have been hooking up with him behind her back. Almost every time I initiate it. I would rather be a throuple and be honest with everyone. He won’t let either one of us go & I can’t let go either. His 40th birthday is coming up in February. I have been thinking about approaching her for a threesome, in hopes to initiate a poly relationship. Only think is, I don’t know anything about her sexuality at ALL. I would like to be able to surprise him, but I don’t want to cause him any backlash. How should I approach the situation? Should I ask him if she has ever been with a woman?


Please help
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tl;dr: Raging Dumpster Fire.

Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Edit: Welcome to the forum, I'm sorry you're going through this. But don't try to save it. Just GTFO. That's the only advice you'll get. Other people will say it by taking apart your post one sentence at a time and writing a paragraph about each one, but I'm just telling you right now in plain English.
 
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I'm going to have to agree.

1. You and ex have never had an ethical relationship. Don't ask/don't tell or mutual cheating is not ethical nonmonogamy. What makes you think you're able to do it now? Have you done any preparation?
2. He's in a monogamous relationship with someone who doesn't approve of his supposedly just coparenting relationship with you. Why in the world would she consent to any kind of polyamory once she learns you've been booty calling him behind her back?
3. You don't even know if she's into women. Do you know her at all? Are you attracted to her?
4. Ex treats you and current gf like trash. Are you sure you actually want to be with him? Your relationship was prone to cheating on both sides when you were married. He is cheating on his current partner with you. He ignores you until you want to fuck. That is not great partner material. Have you tried therapy or some independent work on yourself to try to figure out what you actually want, need, and can give in a relationship instead of just chasing something familiar?
5. You admit you are bad at communicating. Planning this without actually talking to ex or his girlfriend shows you're still bad at communicating. Probably should work on that first. Ethical nonmonogamy is hard. Especially at first. Being able to talk to and figure out issues is NECESSARY.
 
Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words so I know I get it. You correct me ok?

  • In the past, you and your ex would cheat on each other, were bad at communicating, and he only agreed to therapy when you were leaving him.
  • You did leave him, and took up with a new guy. But then dumped that guy because of issues that also included an alcohol problem.
  • At this time? You help your ex-husband cheat on his current GF behind her back.
    • You asked if he'd consider therapy. He said ok. (Did he ever do any on his own? Did you?)
    • But then she discovered your nude pix on his phone. So now he doesn't talk to you any more.
      • You keep on initiating booty calls and he'll come over for that.
      • While pretending he stopped cheating with you to her. (??)
  • Now you want to figure out how to ask her to help you surprise him with birthday threesome sex. (Without him getting any backlash from her about you and him cheating?)
Is that about it?

I have been hooking up with him behind her back. Almost every time I initiate it. I would rather be a throuple and be honest with everyone.
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If your new goal is to be honest with everyone while seeking a V or triad type situation? The blue part does not align with the goal. Stop doing the blue part.

These are the three choices I can see.

1) Become more honest with yourself and work on yourself first.
  • On some level you seem to know this isn't great behavior choices you are making since you are posting here.
  • Resolve to stick with your new goal. Get rid of anything that doesn't help the goal.
  • Could learn to communicate better. Perhaps read up on Non-Violent Communication. I like this one.
2) If you are set on being with THESE people? Start being honest with them then.
  • Let go if the idea of a "surprise" birthday threesome and trying to set that up with her. Don't complicate your life. Group sex is not a requirement in ethical polyamory.
  • Be honest about having helped him cheat behind her back. Come clean, ask for forgiveness. (He would have to do same for the new arrangement to start from honest foundations.)
  • Ask if people are willing change and move towards ethical, honest polyamory where both you and his GF date him.
    • This requires a 3 people "yes." Just you wanting a new relationship model doesn't make it so.
    • Be prepared to let the idea go with grace if the answer is "No" from either one of them.
3) Skip it with these people.
  • Put them firmly in your "messy people" list -- people who for one reason or another are just too messy to deal in.
  • Start poly dating from scratch with NEW people.
    • This time be up front and honest about what you seek from the beginning.
    • Use safer sex practices and don't make any promises or agreements you cannot keep.
    • Decline anyone offering you a cheating situation because you don't do those any more.
If it were me I'd skip #2 and just do #1 and #3. Let the ex STAY an ex.

Could raise the bar on your personal standards for what behavior you expect from yourself and what behavior you expect from future potential partners.

Then could align your behaviors toward that new goal of honest poly dating. In future, you could ask yourself "Will this new behavior choice help me hold up my goal? Or not?"

That keeps your life simpler with you living how you say you want to be living now -- more honest with everyone.

That's what I'd suggest.

Galagirl
 
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Definitely don't try to have a threesome with the girlfriend. Even if she were bisexual, and even if she found you attractive, why would she want to have sex with someone who is cheating with her boyfriend?

Polyamory is NOT just threesomes & throuples. (What you call a throuple, 3 people all dating each other, we tend to call a triad here, but it's the same thing).

The vast majority of poly relationships are NOT three people all involved with each other. It's more often one person who is dating two people in separate relationships. They know about each other, but aren't involved with each other. They might be friends or they might never have met.

This is called a "V" or Vee. In your case, if you were all being honest and not cheating, your baby's father would be the "hinge" of the Vee and you and his other girlfriend would be the legs (or arms?) of the Vee. Like, he has 2 relationships, but the two women don't need to be involved with each other.

In your case, though, since there is so much dishonesty, I don't see how you all can progress to a poly relationship structure.
 
HornyUnicorn143 said:
I left the father of my child because I found another person that I thought I was going to be happier with. I was finally having the kind of sex I thought would fill the void in my life. There were other reasons why I left him but sex was an issue with us, especially when I became a mom.
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HI AND WELCOME TO THE FORUM.

So you left him because of some sexual disconnect / or bad sex issue so why do you want to have sex with him now ? And why do you think a 3 some with him and his now gf would be good. You think she’s going to elevate his game significantly to keep your interest ?
 
Hello HornyUnicorn143,

Yes, you should ask him if she has ever been with a woman. This could be the closed monogamous couple you are looking for. Just find out what if any rules they will impose on you. Make sure they are rules you can live with.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Tell him to leave her. Until he does don’t communicate with him. Have 3rd party do drop off an pick up.

Then sort your shit.

Good luck! I feel this must be a tough spot for you to be in.
 
SarahD said:
Tell him to leave her.
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Why would that be an advisable course of action?

Do you mean this in defense of his poor girlfriend? If that's the case I guess I could get on board; her only downfall seems to be that she is associating with these two deceptive people. I expect it could be viewed as a kindness to break up with her before they do any more damage.
 
Marcus said:
Why would that be an advisable course of action?

Do you mean this in defense of his poor girlfriend? If that's the case I guess I could get on board; her only downfall seems to be that she is associating with these two deceptive people. I expect it could be viewed as a kindness to break up with her before they do any more damage.
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The longer he keeps lying to her about us, the harder it’s going to get for him to leave her. The way it’s going now , I know it’s not serving me. He told me the other day that all he could offer me was sex. And I know that’s not going to keep him. Moreover, I want more than that. Yes I do need physical affection and I can’t even think of getting it from anyone else ever again.

How the fuck am I ever going to explain this situation to a new person in my life?

I am scared that if we stop fucking I will loose him to her forever. Maybe that’s what I deserve. Sometimes I think he wants to get caught in the act. Like it’s more captivating for him in that way. It also allows him to be more distant with me. And sometimes I think he wants me to tell her, because I know he never will. But I fear I will loose him there too.

All I really want is to be with him and my daughter again. I took a trip to San Diego and saw all of these family’s by the pool together and realized that we never had that. He never made time for us. And now i have put him in the position that he never really wanted to be in where he is prioritizing his relationship with her over everything. I’m so sad and broken that I just can’t move past them. Every waking moment all I can see is them together. I close my eyes at night and all I can see is her tight young body riding him. Social Media dosent help. That’s why I am thinking that a triad or hinge situation could be an answer. I just don’t see a life without him being in it. No matter what I have to swallow.

Thank for listening. I’m in therapy but nothing seems to help…
 
The way it’s going now , I know it’s not serving me. He told me the other day that all he could offer me was sex. And I know that’s not going to keep him. Moreover, I want more than that.
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Sounds like he's not really long term compatible and you seem to know you want more than this.

All I really want is to be with him and my daughter again. I took a trip to San Diego and saw all of these family’s by the pool together and realized that we never had that. He never made time for us.
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He doesn't seem to be making time for that now either.

Be careful you aren't idealizing him or idealizing "family life" in a certain way.

I’m so sad and broken that I just can’t move past them. Every waking moment all I can see is them together. I close my eyes at night and all I can see is her tight young body riding him. Social Media dosent help. That’s why I am thinking that a triad or hinge situation could be an answer. I just don’t see a life without him being in it. No matter what I have to swallow.
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Sometimes one must physically let go first in order for mind and heart to become able to let go and really heal. Because you can't start to heal if still connected physically. So if you keep initiating booty calls with him? It might scratch a short term itch. But not actually help anything long term. In fact, it might be hurting you.

Again... if you want to become more honest in how you live your life? You have to start aligning your behavior toward that. At minimum, stop with any new booty calls behind her back because that's cheating. Even if you / him aren't going to tell her right now about past ones? Don't add new ones to the pile.

I encourage you to work with your therapist.

I don't know what else to say other than I hope things get better.

Galagirl
 
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HornyUnicorn143 said:
I’m so sad and broken that I just can’t move past them. Every waking moment all I can see is them together. I close my eyes at night and all I can see is her tight young body riding him.
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I find this to be very concerning. I can't think of a way to describe this but an obsession.

This is not healthy, and I want to strongly encourage you to cut this person out of your life before the current ridiculous high school drama becomes something life altering. For everyone's safety, I really hope you block him on every digital device you have and refuse to interact with him at all.

HornyUnicorn143 said:
I’m in therapy but nothing seems to help…
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You may be functioning under a misunderstanding about what therapy is capable of doing. The only circumstance in which I have ever seen therapy to be even a little bit helpful is when the patient is ready to face facts, ready to own up to their own actions, and ready to adjust their behavior to learn new patterns of interacting with the world. The problem is that a therapist is just a tour guide, you are the one that has to do all of the work to create the good results.

Once you are ready to be honest and make some life changes? Sure, therapy can do some great stuff.

Do you think you are in a place to be constructive and honestly examine your behavior and make the necessary changes to have healthy relationships?
 
This isn't the type of relationship you want to model to your daughter. Even at her young age, she's learning how relationships work by watching you. Teach her how to love and respect herself and others by doing the same. You can create the family you want, but it starts by changing you.

Stop seeing the ex, take a break from dating, and really work on you. Like Marcus said, therapy only works to the extent that we are willing to work. And only if we are honest with ourselves and our therapist. So start there, with honesty. We don't fall into toxic relationships, we walk into them. We can either choose to stay and continue in the toxicity, or we can choose to walk away and heal ourselves. Use therapy to become a good partner to yourself and you'll attract healthier partners.
 
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