Nothing is happening other than talking about poly and thinking about it right? So try not to let worries and fears get the best of you.
You mentioned in another post that you and your wife have some regrets about not talking more before and are having to do some "catch up" with that. Also catching up healing past baggage. Now there's also these new poly talks. That's a lot to cover. So take the time, INVEST the time. Your level of preparedness for open marriage/poly is your responsibility. If you plunge forward into Open Marriage without taking any time to thinking ahead about some things or educating yourself about common pitfalls or problems? Well, bumps in the road are will be harder on you than if you had done some preparation and some educating.
Maybe think about doing the Opening Up worksheets since you can just print them now. And order the book.
Yes, we need to invest the time; however, we seem to be incapable of talking reasonably about this issue. It's almost the curse of getting along so well (overall) over 20 years - we don't have practice with big issues. We need to find a poly-friendly couples therapist and are soon to be working on that.
And yes, someone else recommended Opening Up, I just bought it and will read it soon. I'll check out the worksheets, too, as you suggested. I think it will be good to read together. Right now, she's reading Ethical Slut and highlighting the hell out of it. Like a new convert, it all makes so much
sense (or would have made more sense 20 years ago when she was single and without kids.)
Also bought a workbook on jealousy in open relationships, which seems good.
I think there IS a way to know. Could ask her "I've been wondering... You told me the ones you don't want. Do you know what type(s) of relationship(s) you might want?" She answers, and then you know. Maybe you read
Models of Open Relationships together and use that to help have the conversations.
What does "keep the status as FWB" mean to you? Could you please be willing to clarify? What about FWB is attractive or seems more "deal-able" at this time for you?
Okay, good question. There is a very blurry line between FWB and 'boyfriend', but your FWB list aligns somewhat with mine. What might be different is that I really don't want this stuff to mess with what I really value in my
family (not the same as my relationship). I don't want my family dynamic to change (we are 5 people - us with 3 young kids). I like(d) it; it felt safe, nourishing, positive. I don't want anything to fuck with that. So in my mind, a FWB arrangement would be one that doesn't fuck with the positve feeling of family we share, and keeps the family primary. This is for my sake I suppose, but really for what I view as my kids sake (knowing that others have different perspectives on what kids need).
If it veers into "boyfriend" territory, we are talking investing significant time, emotional energy, affection, etc. into a relationship. Gifts; weekend trips; etc. When I envision myself going in that direction (with a girlfriend) I think: this is going to change my family dynamic, and not in the direction I prefer.
Close proximity and sharing sex does brain chemistry things to people.
by Katherine Wu figures by Tito Adhikary In 1993, Haddaway asked the world, “What is Love?” I’m not sure if he ever got his answer – but today, you can have yours. Sort of. Scientists in fields ranging from anthropology to neuroscience have been asking this same question (albeit less eloquently)...
sitn.hms.harvard.edu
I figured. Thanks for the reference! I'm trying to be realistic about this even though she isn't.
Me? I would just anticipate. Because I rather think ahead and be emotionally and mentally prepared ahead of time than be caught of guard. I would think "Ok, say there was an FWB. It is now becoming a more intense secondary relationship. What issues or feelings come up for me?"
I would sit with that for a bit and examine what comes up. Any maybe anticipate the step after that too. What if a secondary relationship want to become co-primary? Then what? I would sit with THAT idea and examine what comes up.
Okay, thanks - this is what I feel I have to do, too. Issues that might come up: jealousy, annoyance, the feeling of, "this is not what I bargained for".
If it went to co-primary, I would be out of there. We'd be getting a divorce. For once, amid all this process, I feel very clear about that.
And then flip it. What if it happened on your side of the equation? You seem to like the idea of a FWB for you. Well, what if you end up with a FWB. Then you and/or FWB wants it to be more like BF/GF. Or even life partners. Then what? Sit with THAT idea and examine what comes up.
Interestingly, in my process of getting less enmeshed, I've reached out to a few female associates who have become friends, at least nascent friends. Already, I am feeling how we could really become BF/GF. I am even thinking, "Wow, we have a lot more in common than I do with my wife." I want to go hiking and walking with them, hear about their lives, etc. In other words, even without the sex I can see how it could move from FWB to BF/GF pretty quickly (especially now, when I'm particularly annoyed by my wife!
) What comes up is, I imagine becoming less focused on my kids, I see my relationship with my wife deteriorate, and eventually maybe just saying, "I don't want to be married to you anymore." Whether that would be a good decision or outcome is very unclear.
What's horrible about easing into things? You want something more like a cold plunge into the deep end? Some thing crazy town like her bullying or railroading you into opening the marriage?
What is the worry about, really?
You are not obligated as spouse to meet all her needs ever. If she wants more that you are willing and able to do? You can use your voice. You can say "Thanks for telling me. I'm sorry. I am not willing/able to meet those needs."
No, nothing is horrible about easing in... I guess I just don't want to get my hopes up for one thing that feels okay, only to find out that that's not where things are going. So while I'm open to the idea of FWB, the idea of a thruple is a no go (no judgement there, just personal preference). I want to know what I'm getting myself into.
About meeting needs - that is interesting and I'll have to think about it. We've been mainly focused on how I can't meet all of her needs for relationship; and she can't meet all my needs for attention, exclusivity, etc. But I think she is really hoping that I will "meet her needs" by agreeing to all this, and being happy with it. I have been using my voice; she resists (it goes against her hopes) but I have been trying to be honest and clear about what I am ready to commit to.
I wonder if you have having
poly hell with the idea of poly? Or struggling with
"Am I enough for her" or similar stuff. Are you?
Do you mean, am I already in poly hell even though it's so far just an idea? I guess if you mean
anticipatory demotion,
anticipatory displacement, and
anticipatory intrusion, the answer would probably be yes. So all the negatives of poly hell, but we don't even get the benefits of the fun parts!
I think my "Am I enough for her" is definitely an aspect of the jealousy, and one I think I can actually work through.
The harder thing, for me, is accepting the loss of the old arrangement that I felt was fine, and accepting a new arrangement that I have no solid confidence or trust will make me happy (although it might - maybe all I need is to meet the right woman).