Howdy, y'all!

HaloOnFire

New member
I actually signed up back in March, however, I took time to get a feel for the board and read and reflect on everyone's answers. I am especially appreciative of folks linking additional information, It really, really does help us and gives us additional things to discuss/pontificate over. :)

I am currently on the West Coast of the US and have been with my husband for the last 13 years. We have been discussing poly for 2.5 years now and are in complete agreement on all of the subjects we have discussed. We have not opened up as of yet as we wish to discuss and think more before pulling the trigger on opening up as we know that you can't put the genie back in the bottle once they are out. :)
 

Polycurious_Adam

Active member
That's a lot of discussion time! Good on you! If I might ask, what is your motivation for trying poly? Adventure? Growth? After so much time discussing, what do you have left to consider? Not that I'm advising haste, I'm just curious.
 

HaloOnFire

New member
That's a lot of discussion time! Good on you! If I might ask, what is your motivation for trying poly? Adventure? Growth? After so much time discussing, what do you have left to consider? Not that I'm advising haste, I'm just curious.


My husband and think the more discussion the better. My husband has always enjoyed debates and exploring new ideas. Honestly, if I had the money and the connections, I would love to bring back the idea of salons that used to be very popular among the rich and shameless. We have had quite a few nights and road trips that sort of mimicked that idea and this is one topic that seems to have intrigued the both of us. :)

To answer your questions in order:


1. what is your motivation for trying poly?

My motivation for being poly is that around 3 years ago, I came across the term somewhere on Internet Walkabout and went down a rabbit hole. This is when everything clicked. I am older and the term simply wasn't around when I was in my 20's and 30's. It explained a few periods of my life whereby I had a couple of boyfriends at one time and both knew about one another. We were all adults and cool with the situation. It was just other people flipping their biscuit over it. as per usual. Whenever someone pointed out that I "had to choose" between the two, my reply was invariably, "Why?". The "because" answer never sat well with me, and neither did "it's not right". It all sounded like sour grapes to me.



2. After so much time discussing, what do you have left to consider?


Whether or not we actually want to pull that trigger. This is an immensely complicated and convoluted way to live one's life and finding the right sort is pretty much a needle in a haystack. I mean, taking a look at the situation, it is one thing to talk about it, but finding someone that fits our family and more importantly, taking that persons' feelings and considerations into play is of paramount importance to us.

It was bad enough wrestling with and coming to terms with that being who I am as a person. I took 6 months to just question if that really was who I am as a person. It took another chunk of time to tell my husband. My anxiety was through the roof and I almost threw up a couple of times prior to finally screwing up my courage to tell my husband that I am, in fact, poly. I did a metric f-ton of reading, listening to podcasts, etc prior to my telling him. Thank the Maker that he is the most accommodating and understanding of husbands. I don't think I have made many good decisions, but marrying him was one of them. :) I guess if this does happen, I want whats in the best interests of all involved. I know I cannot cover every last base and/or scenario, but I would like to make sure that this is what's best for all involved as much as I can. I mean, after all, I am asking my husband to allow others into our marriage and for my husband to be ok with that and other people to be ok with it. Does that make sense?
 

Polycurious_Adam

Active member
Mostly, yes. The style of poly I have adopted is a bit different, though. I don't think I would ever be comfortable bring someone else into our relationship. My partner and I each have our own other relationships. There are no concerns about whether or not they fit our family, because those relationships are completely independent of the one we share. My other partners only have to be a good match for me. I can understand the extended planning if you're going for a triad instead.
 

HaloOnFire

New member
I don't think I would ever be comfortable bring someone else into our relationship.


This was a bad choice of words in this instance. What I meant to say is that, my husband would have his partners and I would have mine. More N or W than triad. (This is also presuming I am using the correct vernacular. If I am not, please correct me :p).

And what I mean by into our relationship is that ideally this would be kitchen table poly and not parallel. We have discussed both countless times, and while we don't need every detail, we are very verbal and need a lot of communication in order to, well, for lack of better terminology, to function properly. At this stage of the game, even my wrestling with internal feelings feels as if I am hiding things from him, and that just will not do.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings HaloOnFire,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

So many people rush into poly, and consequently things blow up and the drama ensues. You are very wise to thoroughly explore the idea, and the info available about it, before taking the plunge. Because once you go there, you can't just shift into reverse, things are going to be forever changed. I don't mean to suggest that poly is some awful thing, poly is wonderful and can be well worth it. I just mean that it's smart to spend some time reflecting and doing research, before flipping the switch. This research and exploration should continue even after you do go poly, of course. I highly encourage you to continue to take full advantage of Polyamory.com, continue to read and post, and ask questions anytime they arise for you.

It's great to have you with us, I have enjoyed your posts so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

HaloOnFire

New member
Because once you go there, you can't just shift into reverse, things are going to be forever changed.


This is exactly my whole "thing", if you will. I do not want to put either my husband, any potential partners for either of us, or even myself into an untenable situation. After all, if I love these people like I say that I do, I would not do that. It's not coming from a place of authentic loving and that just will not do for me. Like, at all.


PS: Thank you for your kind greeting. The Golden Nuggets is a gem! :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
That makes sense, when you care about someone, you take the time to learn how to do right by them. I like your philosophy.

I'm glad to welcome you. And I agree, Golden Nuggets is super helpful. I especially like Master Thread - links to other threads worth reading.

Looking forward to more of your posts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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