Hubby wants me to have a boyfriend. Advice?

C

ConfusedSquirrel

New member
Hi, my husband and I have been together for 2 years and married nearly 9 months. He's always been opened about his desires, however they've only ever been a fleeting conversation and not really discussed with any real seriousness. Of late however things have changed.

My husband sent a text message from my phone with my OK to a male friend of mine. (a little background here: this friend and I had a couple of "hook ups" some years back before my husband and I got together. I had feelings for him at the time which I guess haven't really faded.) My hubby wrote in the message that he wanted a "naughty selfie" of me and my friend. Text messages went back and forth between me and my friend for a while with a fair bit of flirting (but this has always been the way my friend and I have texted).

I figured that our texting was just in good fun and wouldn't go anywhere, however when my friend and i met up for coffee he brought the subject up and said I couldn't go until we got the "naughty selfie". I was extremely nervous because I never thought it would become reality and because I've always been a one man kind of woman and I guess it didn't help that I grew up in a very old school christian household where a relationship was just between 2 people, end of story.

We made out a bit and got the photo for my husband (which he LOVED), but it was a very awkward although enjoyable and it was nice to feel wanted by someone other than my husband. Since then my husband and I have had many conversations about the idea of this friend becoming my boyfriend. And my friend and I have texted back and forth about a repeat and how my husband now calls him my boyfriend, however him becoming my boyfriend hasn't been discussed with any real detail with my friend. Both men seem to be fine with the idea and they both agree that I am the one that decides where things go and when however I am apprehensive about the whole thing.

I love my husband and I want to make him happy and I have strong feelings for my friend and enjoyed making out with him however I am just not sure how I feel about having a husband and a boyfriend, although the one instance has already spiced up things with my husband, like when we just started dating. We both get excited by the idea of me meeting up with my friend, but I am just worried about my relationships with both men.

I've never been in a situation like this so it's very foreign to me and I am very confused. My husband wants me to have my friend as a boyfriend however his desires do not include him having a girlfriend, which I am not sure I'd be OK with anyway (hypocritical of me, I know). This polyamorist lifestyle is completely new to me, I didn't even know it was a lifestyle until recently so I guess I'd just like some advice from other people who have been in this sort of situation. It would be nice to know I am not alone in being confused by the situation since the men in my life seem very opened to it.

Please help me. I really need to figure out my feelings on this. I am excited by the idea but I am not sure whether I can go any further than what I've already gone. I am not sure whether I can have sex with anyone other than my husband. I am also very self conscious about my body since I recently had a baby and i have a lot of stretch marks, so its difficult to think anyone else could find my body attractive or desirable which I am sure is also causing me confusion with this situation. Please help.
 
ConfusedSquirrel said:
..... I recently had a baby
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This is very important information you've written almost as an afterthought. The new baby and body image stuff are both massive issues to be contending with. Your new husband is pushing you to take naughty selfies and have sex with an ex and you're uneasy about it. All the while, you've just gone through enormous physical and emotional changes and you've got a newborn at home that is a need machine. Why on earth is your new husband pressuring you to have a boyfriend now?
 
Ask your husband if he has a hotwifing fetish. It sounds very familiar to me.

He's getting off on your activities with another man, and there's nothing wrong with that IF it's something that both you and the other man want. But it's good to talk about it and get some clear lines of communication going.

I would also recommend the ladies section of the message board Our Hotwives (not sure I can post a link?) as a good place to talk to other women who have husbands with hotwife/cuckold fetishes, if that is what it turns out to be.
 
Hi Squirrel,

Interesting situation!

My advice would be to slow this right down and pause for a second.

If it works for you *and* your husband *and* your friend, great. But there needs to be a full yes from every one of you, not just the guys.

Things are exciting right now, but you're essentially fulfilling one of your husband's fantasies. What happens if/when you do something your husband doesn't like, or something that isn't in his control?

Things to talk about before taking this further:

- Is your husband into cuckoldry? If he doesn't know the term, ask him to Google it. It would be worth figuring out whether your husband wants the control in the 'hot wife' sense (effectively pimping you out) or whether he wants to be degraded in the cuckold sense (other men being 'bigger', better in bed, etc. than he is)
- Would he be ok with an emotional connection developing?
- Will he need to know absolutely every single thing that goes on between you (sexting, kissing, sharing feelings, etc.)?

Aside from those initial questions, go at your own pace. There's nothing wrong with what you are doing! If you want to make out, make out. But all three of you should be aware that you may experience all sorts of emotions. You're already feeling confused - allow yourself to feel it. It's natural and completely fine to feel confused.

You don't have to talk out every single 'what if' if this kills the buzz, but do go as slow as you want to as please don't do things just to please your husband. If it's hot to you, you can get plenty of mileage out of what has already happened by talking about it and sharing fantasies when you're playing with your husband - it doesn't actually have to go any further right away!

Also, as a final note - it's not your husband's place to define you and your friend as 'boyfriend and girlfriend'. Firstly, it's surely way too soon for that. Secondly, that's up to you and your friend to decide. Thirdly, you don't sound comfortable with the idea at this point.

Good luck and let us know how things develop!
 
OK I think I need to clarify some things.

- My husband has only ever referred to my friend as my boyfriend very playfully.
- My husband has never pushed or pressured me to do anything and would never do so. He's very understanding of the fact that I am unsure about this situation.
- My husband and I have a very honest relationship and we literally talk about everything. Our marriage and our family is our main priority.
- My husband has made sure to communicate with me in every conversation we've had regarding this situation that everything is up to me, from who, when, where, how far things go and if anything happens at all. It's completely up to me.
- We've agreed that everything is in my control and that nothing will happen if I am not comfortable with it. We've also agreed that if things continue it'll just be making out for the moment as obviously a lot has happened in our lives recently and we don't want to make any rash decisions so close to the birth of our child.
- Although we're taking things very slowly we've discussed all the different ways things could go and what we are OK with and what we aren't. We know our boundaries and if something doesn't work for one of us then it doesn't work for any of us. Our marriage is the priority.
- I'd also like to say that this is not a distraction from anything and is not something that has just come up, we've discussed it many times in the last 2 years, it just so happens that the timing worked out this way. Our focus is always our family and neither of us are actively looking for a boyfriend for me...we're just happy to let things play out and playfully refer to my friend as my boyfriend without it being an official title.

I just felt it necessary to clarify those points as it seemed to me that my husband might have come across as someone he isn't in my first post. He is the sweetest and most understanding and accepting person I have ever met, and my happiness and feelings are always more important to him than his desires. As he says to me during every one of our conversations on this subject, if nothing else happens that's fine, just talking about it is enough.
 
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Squirrel, your husband sounds like a lovely person and there is no question about the validity of having both a husband and a boyfriend. That's what we're all about here. However, you and your husband have a new marriage and a new baby, each of which holds enormous changes and challenges, no matter how lovely the particular people involved. I think it's a very rare woman who would be able to or even want to add an additional sexual/emotional relationship to her life at this particular time. Bearing and caring for a newborn in and of itself is absorbing, draining, life altering - especially when it's your first. The question isn't whether having a boyfriend is OK, it's whether having a boyfriend (and all of the energy, thought, time, emotional and physical experiences involved) at this time speaks to your heart's desire and is something that will be uplifting in your life, not an additional stressor.
 
Hi ConfusedSquirrel,

I suppose my advice for now would be to read and learn as much as you can about polyamory. That way familiarity might displace some of the discomfort/confusion you're feeling about it. Polyamory.com is a good place to go to learn more about polyamory ... also there are some good books/websites:

  • "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
  • "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
  • "The Ethical Slut: a practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other adventures," by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.
  • "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.
  • "Polyamory: the new love without limits," by Deborah Anapol.
  • "The Polyamorists Next Door: inside multiple-partner relationships and families," by Elisabeth Sheff.
On Polyamory.com, I recommend ...

And of course post anytime you have questions, we'll be glad to answer.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
My husband and I are looking for a similar set-up, for me to have him and a boyfriend. We started with it being more casual and then realized that I needed more of a connection than that. For him it's mostly a sexual thing right now, but he's open to the more emotional side as well. He is not currently pursuing a relationship, for multiple reasons. He was my first so I also wondered if I would be okay with having sex with someone else. It actually was a lot easier than I imagined it would be.
I do agree with the other posters though that you should be focused on your baby and your new roles as parents. I would say now is not the best time to pursue outside relationships. Discuss the possibility but put any action on hold for now. Even if you didn't have a new baby I would suggest taking time to talk through it first because you want to make sure you're both on the same page.
 
Others have addressed the issue of you two being new parents. I do wonder how old s/he is and how s/he likes Mommy being gone. Also, are there other kids from previous relationships in the mix? But moving on...

I'd like to add a couple other points.

You've only known your husband 2 years. In that time, you married/moved in together (not sure in what order), got pregnant and had a baby. Maybe you moved in to an entirely new house/apartment, maybe in a different town, maybe you're taking time off work to mother your child. That is a LOT of changes!

Now suddenly, you're adding a new partner into the mix, casual though it may be. And adding him has "spiced up" your marital sex back to a high level, like when you first met.

I can imagine your NRE (new relationship energy) for each other had barely or not yet worn off before you got married and pregnant. And now you're adding this guy in as, let's face it, a sex toy/object. At least so far.

The red flag for me is when you tried to point out to us here that this new fling will be terminated when and if it doesn't suit you and your husband:

We know our boundaries and if something doesn't work for one of us then it doesn't work for any of us. Our marriage is the priority... this is not a distraction from anything and is not something that has just come up. We've discussed it many times in the last 2 years. It just so happens that the timing worked out this way.

Our focus is always our family and neither of us are actively looking for a boyfriend for me...we're just happy to let things play out and playfully refer to my friend as my boyfriend...
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Well and good. You and your husband have discussed it a lot. What kind of discussions have happened with the "bf" other than your husband conveying the message, "Make out with my wife and take hot pix to turn me on?"

Is BF content being a sex object? What if he falls in love with you? What if you fall in love with him? What about his feelings, his needs, his heart?
 
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