Sarahlulu57
New member
I'm reading all about polyamory but I want to hear everyone's story. Please!!
I've never thought of it before. Sounds fun
I've never thought of it before. Sounds fun
Hubby wants to become poly. Explain?
- Thread starter Sarahlulu57
- Start date
Hi, welcome.
There's lots of different ways to have a poly lifestyle. As for me, I just tend to allow all connections I make with people to develop or exist without the traditional mono expectations of what being married should look like (only having eyes for, intimacy with, sex with one person).
So, be they old friends or new, I don't limit those connections to "purely platonic".
I had a bf last year who I was more involved with than usual, but he kept intruding on my relationship with my husband and undermining my own sense of self, so I ended it with him. For now, I'm not really looking for new friends, which usually means there's someone just around the corner lol.
There's lots of different ways to have a poly lifestyle. As for me, I just tend to allow all connections I make with people to develop or exist without the traditional mono expectations of what being married should look like (only having eyes for, intimacy with, sex with one person).
So, be they old friends or new, I don't limit those connections to "purely platonic".
I had a bf last year who I was more involved with than usual, but he kept intruding on my relationship with my husband and undermining my own sense of self, so I ended it with him. For now, I'm not really looking for new friends, which usually means there's someone just around the corner lol.
Ravenscroft
Banned
Not "fun," really. Sorta like saying "gosh, it sounds like so much fun to be homosexual" -- let alone "maybe I should try it out." 
Greetings Sarahlulu57,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
I encourage you to visit the Life stories and blogs board, it will let you hear everyone's story. My story can be found there under http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=257039
Poly can be hard to do, but it can be well worth it. You have to find out if poly is right for you. Do lots of reading, and don't hesitate to post if you have any questions.
Glad to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
I encourage you to visit the Life stories and blogs board, it will let you hear everyone's story. My story can be found there under http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=257039
Poly can be hard to do, but it can be well worth it. You have to find out if poly is right for you. Do lots of reading, and don't hesitate to post if you have any questions.
Glad to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Your husband wants to "become poly" - I think the first thing to clarify is what that means to him. What exactly is he proposing?
The usual scenario we see for folks considering open/poly for the first time is that the straight husband and the bisexual wife are consider finding a girlfriend for both of them to "add to" their relationship. It's such a common theme that there is a whole meme about it. (Google: Unicorn Hunters).
Is he suggesting that each of you find a person/people to have casual sex with "on the side"? with the understanding that their needs to be rules in place to "protect our marriage"?
I'm sure that in your reading you have come across the notion that there is no one "right" way to poly - but plenty of wrong ones. I would second Kevin's suggestion to check out the Life Stories and Blogs portion of the forum, many of us have told the long version of our stories there.
Short version of mine: I have always identified as poly and my husband (then boyfriend) and I have had many discussions about what relationships, love, sex and marriage mean to us over the last 26 years. There were still a few pretty rough patches. I have had a number of female "friends with benfits" through the year, but Dude is my first BOYfriend/serious relationship. The three of us have all lived together for the last 7 years..
You've never thought about being with someone other than your spouse? How long have you been together? How much dating/sexual experience did you have before you married? What are your thoughts on sexual fidelity, emotional intimacy, love, sex, and marriage? These are good places to start.
We certainly have plenty of fun (and funny) times, however, many people experience a lot of not-so-fun feelings along the way. Poly does have the habit of shining light into all the dark cracks and crevases in a relationship.
The usual scenario we see for folks considering open/poly for the first time is that the straight husband and the bisexual wife are consider finding a girlfriend for both of them to "add to" their relationship. It's such a common theme that there is a whole meme about it. (Google: Unicorn Hunters).
Is he suggesting that each of you find a person/people to have casual sex with "on the side"? with the understanding that their needs to be rules in place to "protect our marriage"?
I'm sure that in your reading you have come across the notion that there is no one "right" way to poly - but plenty of wrong ones
. I would second Kevin's suggestion to check out the Life Stories and Blogs portion of the forum, many of us have told the long version of our stories there.Short version of mine: I have always identified as poly and my husband (then boyfriend) and I have had many discussions about what relationships, love, sex and marriage mean to us over the last 26 years. There were still a few pretty rough patches. I have had a number of female "friends with benfits" through the year, but Dude is my first BOYfriend/serious relationship. The three of us have all lived together for the last 7 years..
You've never thought about being with someone other than your spouse? How long have you been together? How much dating/sexual experience did you have before you married? What are your thoughts on sexual fidelity, emotional intimacy, love, sex, and marriage? These are good places to start.
We certainly have plenty of fun (and funny) times, however, many people experience a lot of not-so-fun feelings along the way. Poly does have the habit of shining light into all the dark cracks and crevases in a relationship.
Al99
Well-known member
Hi Sarahlulu57 - and welcome to the Forum! I see that you've received some great advice already. I will just echo a couple of those thoughts -
Fun? - At times it is - and very rewarding - but poly is not about swinger style recreational sex with lots of partners. Poly is about multiple loving relationships. Maintaining relationships always takes a lot of work and effort. Maintaining multiple relationships requires even more work!
There is nothing wrong with a swinger lifestyle of consensual recreational sex, but it is not the same thing as the poly lifestyle of maintaining multiple loving-sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved, and the two lifestyles should both be acknowledged as valid but different.
As Kevin pointed out - to get an idea of how people practice poly, check out the "Life Stories and Blogs" section. As you will see - and as Jane mentioned - it is almost never about the open minded couple going out and finding a hot bi-babe to join them as a third (although this does seem to be the flawed public stereotype). Partners in poly marriage almost always date independently, although ideally you will at least know your partner's partners (called metamours), even if you are not "friends".
My particular story is one in which my wife asked me to transition our traditional mono marriage to poly so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. Ultimately, we made the transition, and we now both have other partners outside our marriage. The full story is in my signature link below.
Here's a few resource suggestions for learning more about poly that I recently passed onto another newcomer.
Morethantwo.com - lots of info on poly basics to be found there.
Polyweekly.com - Cunning Minx's podcasts on poly topics (regular, if not weekly) - over 500 archived podcasts spanning a dozen years - free to listen to.
My favorite introductory book - "Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships" by Tristan Taormino.
Best of luck on your journey! Al
Fun? - At times it is - and very rewarding - but poly is not about swinger style recreational sex with lots of partners. Poly is about multiple loving relationships. Maintaining relationships always takes a lot of work and effort. Maintaining multiple relationships requires even more work!
There is nothing wrong with a swinger lifestyle of consensual recreational sex, but it is not the same thing as the poly lifestyle of maintaining multiple loving-sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved, and the two lifestyles should both be acknowledged as valid but different.
As Kevin pointed out - to get an idea of how people practice poly, check out the "Life Stories and Blogs" section. As you will see - and as Jane mentioned - it is almost never about the open minded couple going out and finding a hot bi-babe to join them as a third (although this does seem to be the flawed public stereotype). Partners in poly marriage almost always date independently, although ideally you will at least know your partner's partners (called metamours), even if you are not "friends".
My particular story is one in which my wife asked me to transition our traditional mono marriage to poly so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. Ultimately, we made the transition, and we now both have other partners outside our marriage. The full story is in my signature link below.
Here's a few resource suggestions for learning more about poly that I recently passed onto another newcomer.
Morethantwo.com - lots of info on poly basics to be found there.
Polyweekly.com - Cunning Minx's podcasts on poly topics (regular, if not weekly) - over 500 archived podcasts spanning a dozen years - free to listen to.
My favorite introductory book - "Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships" by Tristan Taormino.
Best of luck on your journey! Al