Ok, so what do I do now?
I am at the point where I would prefer to change the schedule. But nothing that I offer to Ponytail makes him comfortable with giving up Fridays. I get it -- I made a standing date night and I should honor my commitments -- but I don't know how to handle the fact that Ponytail is simply refusing to negotiate with me. What about the next time something changes and we need to re-evaluate plans? This isn't a deal-breaker in terms of my actual schedule, but I feel like it is a deal-breaker in terms of the willingness of my partner to compromise when I ask something of them.
Should I just let this whole thing go, stick with the current schedule, and hope that the next time I am able to handle things less "sloppily" and ask for what I want in a way that doesn't pit them against each other?
Or is this a sign that Ponytail is feeling entitled to my time AND is unwilling to work on it? (Unlike my Glasses, who at least is aware of the issue and trying to get better.) Do I need to say, "My availability has changed. I am no longer available on Fridays" and let him decide to negotiate with me or find someone else to date on Fridays?
(By the way, Redhead isn't available on Fridays for reasons that are completely out of their control, so Glasses changing his date night is not an option if we want the ability to have weekend time together. Glasses tried to make that work before even bringing any of this to me.)
OOOHHH boy.... I'ma try real hard not to get ranty but the way you describe Ponytail's behavior makes me feel ranty!
But let me first address some of the things you have done. So you described the situation where you told Ponytail that Glasses had requested a schedule change due to his date nights. I think that was way more info than Ponytail needed to hear. I mean, realistically, if you knew that you had 2 partners that were all gung-ho to try and accommodate each other and work together to maximize schedules, then sure, I probably would have phrased it like that too. But when you know that you have 2 partners at odds who feel competitive and get all butt hurt when 1 person requests a concession or compromise, then you basically just have to filter the convo. In this situation, my suggestion would have been that once Glasses asked about the switch, if it was something that you definitely wanted to do, then all you really need to do is let Ponytail know that the standing schedule isn't working for you anymore and that you need to change. That you can't do a Friday night date night any longer, or at least not every Friday (maybe you can do some Fridays as a compromise). Let him know that you'd prefer to move the standing date night to Saturday since Ponytail has already demonstrated that he's available since you are basically seeing him every Friday anyway. And if he can't do that, then ask him what other nights he could do, but still say that Friday is just no longer a good option.
Now back to your post that I quoted....
Nothing makes him comfortable with "giving up" Fridays?! UGH. As if he owns your Fridays and your time is his to control? First of all... fuck that. He can want to keep Friday's all he wants, but if you're no longer available, you're no longer available and he can either find a way to make that work or he can find himself a mono partner with no life and no friends and no kids that will just do whatever he wants because he's the boss.
I definitely think the answer is "yes" to your question about whether you just need to tell him that you're no longer available on Fridays. You mentioned that technically you ARE available so it feels like a lie.... but since you are wanting to spend that night with your husband, you actually aren't available. You're busy with your other partner because YOU want to be busy with your other partner (not because he asked, but because you said yes to his ask, because it's your time).
I think he is absolutely feeling entitled to your time and probably is only not willing to compromise because he knows it's a request from Glasses. I'll bet if you asked him "If I was asking to change the standing date night because I was trying to (insert other priority here that isn't Glasses related) would you still be so stubborn and unwilling to work with me on scheduling?" Because if the answer is yes, then he's always going to be a PITA with the schedule and you'll have to decide if you're willing to put up with that.
The other thing I want to comment on is your mention of feeling like you made and agreement to a standing Friday date night and now you should honor that commitment. BS. Don't beat yourself up over that. This is real life and in real life, people have schedule changes and sometimes you have to re-negotiate what works for you. Because again, your time is yours. I have a partner where we agree to a standing date night every 2 weeks, but we BOTH know that it's just the goal, it's not an obligation. It's to make planning easier so that we have a "default" and then any time there is a scheduling conflict we just touch base and say "hey, so our next date night, Wed doesn't work for me, is there another day that week that we can make work for us both?" And for that matter, our default date night changes from 1 semester to the other and for summer based on my partner's teaching schedule. So standing date nights can, in fact, change.
Personally, if I were in your shoes I'd be sitting down with Ponytail and saying: Look, this whole competition between my partners thing has to stop. I'm exhausted. The bottom line is that MY time is MINE to schedule. I want to work with you and find a schedule to see you that works for us both, because you are important to me and I want this to work, but I have a family that is also important to me, and a social life, and XXX. The fact that Glasses has made a schedule adjustment request is irrelevant because *I* have taken a look at my schedule and all of the things that I need and want to do, and have come to my own conclusion that I no longer am willing to commit to every single Friday night. This is MY preference. I'd love to sit down and have a scheduling conversation with you on this further, but you might need to take the time to also consider whether you can comfortably be in a relationship with someone who also has other partners and kids that they are going to want to take into account when scheduling, because that is always going to be the reality of a relationship with me. Similarly, I can tell you that any other partner I have would also have to accept that I'm going to want to carve out whatever time I want to be able to give to you as long as we're in a relationship and they are going to have to respect and accept that. For my part, I've learned that I need to do a better job of being the hinge and not letting the feelings of my partners spill over onto each other, so I'm sorry that I've done that and caused you and Glasses to feel stressed and like you have to compete with each other for my time. I'm working on that and will do a better job moving forward. But in the meantime, both of you are going to now have to accept that my time is mine to schedule. I will gladly take the requests and preferences of you BOTH into consideration, but ultimately I get the final say in my own schedule and availability, just as each of you are autonomous people and get to have the final say in your own availability. I hope that you can respect this moving forward.
I mean, maybe I'd soften it since right now I'm in ranty mode.... but you get the point.
