husband feels he is poly, I am mono

T

Thornedlove

New member
Hi everyone, I'm a newbie to the forums and looking for some advice on my situation. My husband and I have been married for about 5 years and have a 5 month old son. My husband had discovered around this time last year that he believed in poly relationships and felt that's who he is. I accepted this but did't feel the same and ever since this seems to keep coming back as an issue for us. He believes that he is wired for multiple partners but I don't feel comfortable with that idea. He keeps saying that he will ignore the urge but yet the subject comes up every time we have a discussion and he feels he hasn't 'found himself' as a result. I'm not sure if i should stay in this relationship or start looking at other options. I know for sure I don't want to be in a poly relationship. I will be the first to admit I have my share of mental problems that are likely a large roadblock for this,but the bottom line is that I cannot handle that kind of relationship. Any advice on how my husband and I can move forward?
 
Over the years I have been a member of this site there has been a semi-regular trickle of posts from women who's husbands find themselves suddenly 'wired' to be poly when their wife is pregnant or shortly after the birth of a new child.

Many of these stories are sad to read. Fathers who seem more concerned about finding another lover than being there for the wife who they loved enough to make another life with and the new life they have brought into this world.

I always find the timing curious and suspect that the sudden interest in polyamory is coming from a place of fear. A baby is an enormous responsibility and having one seems to cause fear in new parents. For the dads too, there are sometimes concerns about changes in their relationship with their wife - who has gone from wife and lover to mother of a child.

I believe that most people are wired to love more than one. For the time being, however, your husband really needs to be concentrating this desire for love on you and your baby not on new relationships that would take him away from his family

Now is not the time for you to attempt to face any demons about having an open relationship. Nor is it the time for him to start a new and emotionally demanding relationship (he did that 5 months ago and that relationship needs all his spare time and effort - and is going to need it for years to come).

If he's serious about being poly and you don't want to then I think that the responsible thing is for him to wait until your baby is a little older, come up with a plan that allows him to provide for you and the baby while he lives elsewhere and is a co-parent and to dissolve your marriage in a completely amicable way. That way his free to follow his 'wiring' and you will have spare time whenever he is doing childcare to find a new relationship - hopefully with somebody who has the mental strength to not abandon their dependants because of their own fears.

It's a tough situation. I feel for you. Make sure you get as much support as possible from family and friends while your husband deals with his issues.
 
I had to respond because of the pregnancy/new baby issue brought up.

I was pregnant when I finally realized I was bi. I also became pregnant just after telling my husband I needed poly in my life. Timing sucks, that's for sure. I'm not saying "dad" should ignore OP and 5 month old kid to persue his needs. I am saying, however, that there is never a "great time" to deal with relationship issues, no matter what they are. Life happens whether we address things or not.

As for the original question, i think the best thing OP can do is continue to talk to husband and yes, if there is truely no way for OP to reconcile with this, seperate while still on good terms before all 3 people (child to consider!) are affected and resentment builds an unhappy home. Either way, a plan and some time will be needed. If "new dad" is truely poly, he will understand this; divorce pribably isn't wanted but neither is hurting his family more than he probably feels he already is, and the seperation process will be more friendly IMO. Better to know, come to terms, and move on with your lives now than suffer until "the child is older," and you two hate each other. That doesn't do kids any favors.
 
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laerhk said:
I was pregnant when I finally realized I was bi. I also became pregnant just after telling my husband I needed poly in my life.
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Like I said, I think it's not unusual for people facing new long-term responsibilities to make discoveries about themselves. Not usual at all.

The difficulty that I see with introducing something like poly at a time like that is that babies suffer when their parents can't focus on them. Parents searching for new relationships or searching within themselves to cope with the changes brought about by the other parent's desire to explore poly are not focussing on the child and on dealing with being a parent.

I agree that there is never a great time to deal with relationship issues but there are times when it is utterly irresponsible to be dealing with relationship issues and for me those include times when a couple is trying to conceive, during pregnancy and during the first few years of a child's life.

I think that people should explore themselves and their desires all that they want - I think it's important.

I also think it needs to be tempered by responsibilities that adults choose to take on. Having a baby is a choice for the parents. Not for the baby. If the choice has been made then my view is that the parents need to step up and deal with their chosen responsibilities. It is not the time to explore outside needs.

Poly falls under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy and I don't see non-monogamy as being at all ethical if it is being brought up as a new struggle at a time when the most important new struggle should be parenting.

Having children is not a requirement. Anybody is free to choose otherwise. The human race is not in danger of dying out and the world won't suffer if an individual's DNA is not passed along.

If a choice is made to have children, then I think the desire to explore sexuality and non-monogamy should wait for the first few years of the child's life.
 
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I agree with InfinitePossibility on this one.

I would just like to add that making ANY major decisions at this time in your life is likely to be a difficult thing to do. I would want to get through at least the first year of parenthood and preferably the first two years (as things seem to really settle into new normal by then) before making any lasting changes. It's a short time in the grand scheme of things that your child really really needs both of you.

Best wishes.
 
The timing is terrible! He shouldn't be thinking of anything else but you and the new baby. I also agree that in the future, if he still wants to be poly, live separately and co parent. This subject will likely not go away if he is truly interested and if you are not, then save yourself some heartache, you have someone that need their mama sane and happy. Best of luck!
 
Hi Thornedlove,

If this polyamory is really a thing for your husband, and not just an escape mechanism for distracting himself from the difficulties of parenting ... and if you truly can't stand to have him dating other women, not now not ever, then the only way you and he can move forward that I can see is to try to figure out how to divorce amicably.

There is some question about how long you should hold your marriage in stasis -- with him staying monogamous for the time being. That is, how old should your child be before you and your husband break up? possibly old enough to be potty trained, but I'm not an expert on this type of subject.

One thing I feel sure of is that you and your husband shouldn't get pregnant with any more children, not ever -- not unless and until he decides he can give up polyamory, or unless and until you decide you can give up monogamy. Otherwise you'll be needing to work out a divorce, and that's already complicated enough just with one child.

If you and he find partners later that are better-suited for each of you, you can think about having more kids then with those future partners. My philosophy is that it's incredibly hard to raise just one child, let alone several, but your philosophy may be different than mine and that's fine.

I do feel bad about the timing here, I know it must be incredibly difficult for you to think about your husband wanting to see other women, especially when you need to be focused on being a mother to your baby. Hang in there and try to make your decisions slowly and carefully. Hopefully the feedback you get on this forum will help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Confused said:
I agree with InfinitePossibility on this one.

I would just like to add that making ANY major decisions at this time in your life is likely to be a difficult thing to do. I would want to get through at least the first year of parenthood and preferably the first two years (as things seem to really settle into new normal by then) before making any lasting changes. It's a short time in the grand scheme of things that your child really really needs both of you.

Best wishes.
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I agree with this. I didn't start a relationship until my daughter was over 1. And I certainly as a person new to poly would not want my partner leaving me at home with a baby while they go out and date. Its hard enough for a monogamous person in the best of situations, even harder when you are under stress. When people are under the influence of NRE they often act selfish and even the strongest relationships can be shaken, its best to wait and go extremely slow if you are willing to be in a polyamorus marriage. And just because he wants to have additional partners doesn't mean you have to agree to it.
 
Thank you all for your responses. I really don't want to leave him, but at the same time I feel like the younger my baby is if I decide to do that the better for him in the long run. I have plenty of help from my parents to raise him alone without my husband if need be. That being said, he seems very determined to try and 'fix' his mindset to not be poly. He says that he is here and not going anywhere, understands that I am not ok with him having multiple partners and he hasn't given me any sort of ultamatum if I won't let him, that sort of thing. I guess one of my biggest questions is if it is even possible to change himself to be in a monogamous relationship for the rest of his life or if I'm hoping for an unrealistic fantasy. I have a fear that some years down the line he's going to decide he can't do it anymore and I'll be left with a son and wasted years with him. :-(
 
I guess one of my biggest questions is if it is even possible to change himself to be in a monogamous relationship for the rest of his life or if I'm hoping for an unrealistic fantasy.
My own opinion is that anybody making promises for the rest of their lives is living in an unrealistic fantasy. People change, lives change and those changes cannot always be predicted or controlled.

That said, I don't see why anybody can't choose to live monogamously. In theory I'm very attracted to poly. In practise, I don't see any way I would be poly while being part of a committed relationship - too much work for me. I am very attracted, however, to life as a solo poly.

In practice, however, I don't want to change my life to make solo poly more possible - it isn't attractive enough to me and so I'm living monogamously. Have been for years and have no plans to change doing so.

I just enjoy any crushes I have. I enjoy the extra happiness I get from seeing the person I have a crush on. I don't do or say anything that might result in any kind of romantic relationship starting.

I have a fear that some years down the line he's going to decide he can't do it anymore and I'll be left with a son and wasted years with him. :-(
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I think that sort of thing is a risk for every relationship. People decide all the time - even after years together - that they no longer wish to be with a partner for a vast range of reasons. Any relationship with another human being carries that risk.

I guess that what you might want to think about is how likely do you think it is that your husband might decide years in the future that he is willing to end the marriage to become poly?
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I know I and others here have occasionally expressed the feeling that being able to be honest about poly type feelings can be enough without having to pursue them all the time. Everyone has to turn down opportunities at various points in life because every choice we make comes with the side effect of limiting other choices.

The other thing is that your feelings may well change once you're out of the early parenting fog and if your partner can show you consistently that he is committed to you and trustworthy regardless of his feelings for others.

My feelings for another outside my marriage became too strong to ignore about 5 years ago but we have both been in a position of being able and willing to take things so slowly that my husband has always felt he had enough time to process every new step and become comfortable. (My other interest also has a primary relationship and we wanted each other in our lives forever so it was in our interests to make sure we never slipped up and hurt either our partners or each other).
 
I was in poly relationships throughout my twenties, and definitely preferred that type of relationship. Then, I met and married my husband, who was monogamous. I managed monogamy, for him, for over a decade before deciding I wanted to try a different kind of relationship structure. To be fair, at the point hubby had become a workaholic, our sex life was lackluster, etc.. Had our relationship been more connected and passionate, I might have stayed monogamous longer. Ultimately, he couldn't handle me dating outside the marriage, and we are separated.

My point is, yes, a person who identifies as poly can do longterm monogamy. My relationship with husband was 17 years long, most of them monogamous, and we are still very close.
 
That said, I don't see why anybody can't choose to live monogamously.
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Probably the majority of people could choose to live monogamously. Just one voice here: I would not choose monogamy, ever; I have only had open relationships. Of course, the OP's husband has been living monogamously until this point of time and possibly he could continue that forever.

It is a question of how strong the urge to explore poly is in his life, and what it is that he will value highest: the relationship that he has now or the freedom to explore.

I agree with everyone here that the timing is as bad as it gets. If OP has a possibility to raise the child without him, that gives them both more options to choose from. It is a bad time to be pondering about this kind of things, but life happens... If the subject comes up in their discussions regularly, probably it is something that needs to be addressed now.
 
I don't think most poly people can live monogamously. They can be with one partner for years. My partner was mono with his ex for 10 years. I was mono with him (while he was with her, however) for almost three. Someone else mentioned being mono with a partner for 17.

Ultimately, though, they aren't really mono. They just happen to only have one partner for a while.
 
Most people can *choose* to live in a way that's contrary to who they truly are. That doesn't mean they should have to. I'm polyamorous. I *chose* to live monogamously for a very, very long time. I was miserable, felt trapped, felt alone, etc. Since my husband agreed to let me live my truth, which is polyamory, I've been a whole lot happier and have felt more secure and free, despite now being in not one, but two committed relationships.

Now that I've had about a year and a half of living in a way that matches who I am and how I feel inside, I don't think I would be able to go back to living monogamously, nor would I ever choose to.

And following the logic of "I don't see why anyone can't choose to live monogamously"... Why can't the monogamous partner choose to live polyamorously? It's exactly the same thing: One partner choosing to live in a way that's contrary to the way they're wired. It's certainly POSSIBLE. That doesn't mean it's easy or right for the person who's choosing to live in a way that doesn't fit them.

In the OP's situation specifically, I agree that the timing is horrible for her husband to *live* polyamorously. She needs his support and his full attention at this time. But I think he can still be able to *express* the way he wants to live, and not actually act on it until a better time.
 
Re (from Thornedlove):
"I guess one of my biggest questions is if it is even possible to change himself to be in a monogamous relationship for the rest of his life or if I'm hoping for an unrealistic fantasy."
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Quick answer: He can probably manage to live monogamously, *if* he chooses to put forth the effort.

My perception is that different people have differing levels of tolerance for monogamy and/or polyamory. I assume there's a bell curve and that most people are somewhere near the middle. Most people live monogamously because our society is not poly-friendly, is my theory, but most people could adapt themselves to polyamory too if needed.

Unless: a person is passionately monogamous, not capable of being polyamorous at all or even tolerating a poly arrangement. Or if a person is passionately polyamorous, and absolutely couldn't stand life as a monogamist. These would be people who "live" on the extreme ends of the "poly-mono slider." There aren't a lot that do, but if your husband is a "passionate polyamorist," then he may not be able to squish himself into a monogamous mold even if he thinks (or just says) he can.

Another thing that might worry me is, what if my husband made a "poly martyr" out of himself, and used his "sacrifice" to hold it over my head, keep me on a perpetual guilt trip, and get special privileges from me. Him being "poly at heart but living monogamously" is only going to work if he does it with all sincerity, and no hidden agenda.
 
Hi Thornedlove,

I really don't want to leave him, but at the same time I feel like the younger my baby is if I decide to do that the better for him in the long run.
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This is my line of thought also.

I first came into my now-step-daughter's life when she was 2.5 yrs old. Even at this young age, she was incredibly attached to my girlfriend and her husband. For them to divorce at that time would definitely have had more of an impact on her than if they'd divorced when she was an infant. If you know in your heart it's not going to work, it's better to take action now.

I am curious about one thing. What prompted your husband to realise that he was poly? Is there anyone else in the picture, that you know of? How is your relationship doing? Do you think this is escapism, or do you think he really is polyamorous?

I personally believe that one can of course choose (and be able) to be monogamous. Whether or not the person will be happy is another question. My girlfriend, for instance, insists that she could never go back to monogamy again.

However, I also believe that partnership is about supporting each other's dreams. Perhaps your husband is being self-centered and, frankly, fresh in bringing this to you at this time. On the other hand, perhaps your husband wants you to be a part of what's in his heart and mind, and didn't want to hide his feelings from you. He's now told you that there's something he would like out of life... The question is whether you be with him while he explores that.

Is there a third option here? I was once in long-term relationship of 5 years when I fell in love with someone else. This was when I realised I had the ability to love more than one person at a time. We separated with a view to getting some space and exploring what we wanted out of life. It was the best thing for both of us, and brought a lot of clarity. Could something like this work for the two of you?
 
I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to respond. The holidays always cause a lot of anxiety for me so I had to deal with that first. He claims he has researched the idea of poly for a while and knows this is what he is wired for. I don't believe it's escapism, I've given him plenty of opportunity to separate if that was what he was wanting. I know it doesn't seem fair to make him be mono for me if he's meant to be poly, but at the same time I know I'm incapable of being in a poly relationship. As I mentioned in the original post I have my own mental disorders that make any kind of relationship difficult to handle. I feel horrible that I am not comfortable with letting him pursue this while with me, but I would rather just separate than see him with other people. I believe that he was not being selfish in telling me this, that he really just wanted me to know how he felt. The only problem is that it's something that triggers bad memories of things that have already happened in our relationship in previous years. Now days I live in constant fear and guilt. Maybe I'm in the wrong place, since I am mono, but I wanted to try and research and do anything I could to gain understanding as to why after 5 years he's decided he wants to be with other people. Considering our lackluster romantic life (he says he has no desire for sex) it really hurts when he says he feels like he is wired to be with multiple people. At first he said he just wanted it for the physical contact (see my issue?) but then he changed his tune later on. I'm so confused anymore, I don't know what to do. We are trying to work through a marriage therapy workbook as we don't have time for counseling right now.
 
I agree with previous posters that he's picked a bad time to start exploring this.

Are you getting help for your "mental issues"? Are you not in therapy, not on medications that might help? Are you experiencing post partum depression?

Take care of yourself. We can't help others if we need help ourselves. It's like putting on your own oxygen mask first in a crashing plane.

It sounds like your husband is in crisis mode. This is very difficult, but crises can and do bring about positive change, if you have the tools to chart your course.

I lived monogamously for over 30 years with my ex husband, despite being bisexual, despite being "polyamorous" (didn't have that term til 1999). It was pretty hard, I felt guilty and bad, and my ex was always suspicious of my crushes and my love for women.

But we didn't open our marriage til 1999 (met in 1974). At the time, our kids were about 10, 13, 15, and even then I found dating to be too time consuming to be a good mom, so we closed again. Finally in 2008 we separated, and I started living a poly life.

However, in that time from about 2000 til 2008, we both had therapy, I was on Zoloft for a year. I just did a ton of work on myself to really get to know who I am, outside of what society's mono expectations for me were and are.

There are lots of good websites out there you and your husband can read, now, while the baby is little and needs you both focused on her.

books:

Ethical Slut
Opening Up
More Than Two

websites:

morethantwo
practicalpolyamory

You can learn a lot here also by reading threads randomly by clicking on New Posts, or doing word or tag searches.

Even if you decide to divorce, you're going to have your husband in your life as a co-parent forever. Might as well inform yourself about the ins and out of poly.

And get yourself some help for your mental issues! Your kid needs a sane mama!
 
I am taking medications and going to therapy to work on my own mental issues. I've also done a lot of reading on the forums and through books and Internet about poly. I just know I'm not capable of having that type of relationship :-(
 
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