Husband going from mono to all in poly

[lauren91]

This is a very nuanced case, and I guess i'm seeking perspective as much as advice (i don'tknow if there is any advice to be given).

So I don't myself identify as monogamous nor poly - but have been in a monogamous relationship with my husband for the past 7 years.
In the past couple of months he has decided he has to try being poly, he feels it's something he is and needs to try now before heregrets it.

I support him wanting to explore this, but he wants to try this with my best friend who is not happy with a long term polyamourous relationsip. I myself am not happy with it being her - it sounds selfish but from being in a monogamous relationship to him being in a poly relationship with my best friend just feels like too much at once.

He saysit's because she is convinient, he already knows her and doesn't need to bother with the dating stage to be able to try this.But everyone including him knows this won't end well.

I have even offered that we try and take our time to find someone together as what he thinks he wants is a 3 way relationship where the 3rd person potentially lives with us. I don't want this to be my 'best friend' as the fact she wants to be in a mono relationship with him has left me with deep feelings of betrayal from her.

I know he is in a hurry because he doesn't want to wait until we have kids to try this, in case he decides he needs to leave me.I just feel caught between a rock and a hard place, i don't think there's anything i can do if i want us to stay together, but I'm just trying to gather how this makes sense to him. I don't know if I can be in a long term poly relationship or not, I feel like I haven't had time to grasp this huge life change that he's asking of me as he is essentially asking me to be poly too...and i was up for trying but he seems to impatient.

He says i'm stil the love of his life and this 'experiment' as he calls it, might fail and thinks he could live a happy monogamous life with me he just doesn't want to live with this regret of not trying.

I'm just stuck ....i guess my question is, does anyone have any perspective on this? Maybe an insight to the mind he hasn't understood or been able to express....i'm in hell living in this limbo of not knowing how my future looks

 

[GalaGirl]

I mean this kindly ok? Keep it simpler on you. This is NOT "joyful yes" for you. So tell him "No."

You do not HAVE to agree to do this.

Especially if you feel betrayed by the best friend, who sounds willing to go along with this if she ends up the one with him in a monogamous thing. And possibly betrayed by husband who sounds like he's basically just using people/taking them for granted. And would go after your best friend -- who in theory would have been your support person if this went wahoonie.

I hope you have OTHER support people. Cuz these two won't be it.

But everyone including him knows this won't end well.

And he wants to plunge ahead ANYWAY? When someone is hell bent on doing stupid, you don't have to understand it. If you can see that this is NOT gonna work out and can see the train wreck coming? Could get out of the way. Save yourself. Could decide you do not want to participate in this.

Could say "No, thanks. I am not up for this like THIS. I prefer a trial separation while you get this out of your system. Date my best friend if you want to and she's willing. I can't stop either of you even if I don't like it. But I am not participating in wonky sounding poly. "

And you go live on your own and try that on while he's trying this on. You both date other people. Maybe even try poly yourself but with more compatible poly people who approach it more calm and less reckless. Or maybe you just take a break and date nobody. The point is that YOU get to pick for YOU.

Maybe you and DH get back together at the end of the trial. Maybe you move on to a divorce. Either way? You get to skip the stupid.

He says i'm stil the love of his life and this 'experiment' as he calls it, might fail and thinks he could live a happy monogamous life with me he just doesn't want to live with this regret of not trying.

Are you being lovingly treated right now?

Cuz if this is all he has for "best" for the person who is the supposed "love of his life?" Maybe you decide it's not enough for you. DH falls short of the mark. He doesn't meet your personal standard for what you want in a spouse or how you want to be treated.

He's not even actually trying anything either! He's just going for the handiest person because she's "convenient" so he doesn't have to "bother poly dating." Sounds like he just wants to get into her pants to me.

I know he is in a hurry because he doesn't want to wait until we have kids to try this, in case he decides he needs to leave me.

So much for being the love of his life then. I could be wrong but it sounds like he just wants ALL his bases covered so even if it is a mess for everyone else, it still works out for him.

You probably don't want to have kids with him right now anyway -- because if this goes wahoonie you'd be stuck with him as a coparent rather than getting to just walk away and not deal with him any more.

He's not listening to your valid concerns. And he's only thinking of what he wants -- a 3 way relationship where you all live together. Well, the friend doesn't want to end up like that. She wants him to herself. And you don't want to deal with all that either. How's it gonna happen then? Magic?

And THIS is the preview for how he will behave as a poly hinge and balance his multiple partners? Just ignoring common sense, ignoring their concerns, and plunging on to do what he wants? "Experiments" even he knows will fail?

And he thinks if his experiment fails, he expects that you will stick around to be his back up plan? Like "Oh, well. Made a mess with the friend, let's just go back to how it was. I'll settle for being with you."

Life doesn't work that way. Even now you might be looking at him like "Who ARE you? Have you gone crazy?" And might also be loosing some respect for him for behaving like this. And probably angry.

Rather than try to figure him out? Could ask yourself what makes this a great partner that you want to stay with him?

Maybe you take a time out and a trial separation to reflect on that.

To me this sounds more like "polyfuckery" than "ethical polyamory" so I'd give it a pass if it was happening to me.

i'm in hell living in this limbo of not knowing how my future looks

YOU get to create your future.

And your immediate future could be free of stupid if you step aside and skip the shitshow in the making. Have a trial separation. Separate homes and separate finances. You can both date other people. Him doing his wonky poly and you living without all this crazy sounding stuff.

Is it what you imagined you'd be doing? No.

Is it better than being dragged through stupid you already know you don't want to be doing in the first place? Yes.

Like I said... maybe after the trial separation? You get back together. Or you come to realize you prefer to divorce because you like life on your own better than THIS and better than being his "taken for granted back up plan."

I'm sorry you are going through this though.

It sounds horrible.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello lauren91,

I am going to assume that you do not want to divorce your husband, no matter how bad things get. You love him to the moon and back, you've been with him for seven years, so why quit now, he has lots of good qualities, and is a perfect match for you in about a million ways, other than this one little thing. Only, it's not so little, is it?

So, you know his train is headed for a wreck, and you want to be there for him when that happens. It's your way of showing that you love him, you are making a sacrifice for him, and trying to go along with something that you don't feel good about. For him. I think this speaks very highly of you. But don't forget to take care of yourself too, okay?

I know you are going through a lot right now. Not only does your husband suddenly want to be "poly," but really, you have also lost your best friend. You do know you have lost her, right? She has betrayed you, by wanting to be monogamous with him. She wants to take him away from you. You will know that about her forever.

All I can suggest is that you hang in there, and hope that he'll eventually appreciate your loyalty, and not just take it for granted. I fear for you. I fear that you have much pain and unhappiness on the road ahead. I mean even if you did divorce him, that would be so, so painful. And even if you stay faithful to him, he may divorce you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello lauren91,

I am going to assume that you do not want to divorce your husband, no matter how bad things get. You love him to the moon and back, you've been with him for seven years, so why quit now, he has lots of good qualities, and is a perfect match for you in about a million ways, other than this one little thing. Only, it's not so little, is it?

That's a lot of assumptions, Kevin! lol "Moon and back"? "Don't want to divorce"? "A perfect match in a million ways"?

I see no reason to assume all of that.

So, you know his train is headed for a wreck, and you want to be there for him when that happens. It's your way of showing that you love him, you are making a sacrifice for him, and trying to go along with something that you don't feel good about. For him. I think this speaks very highly of you.

I don't see that either.

But don't forget to take care of yourself too, okay?

I know you are going through a lot right now. Not only does your husband suddenly want to be "poly," but really, you have also lost your best friend. You do know you have lost her, right? She has betrayed you, by wanting to be monogamous with him. She wants to take him away from you. You will know that about her forever.

I don't see that the best friend has betrayed Lauren. She doesn't want to date a poly man. We don't know if she'd betray her best friend and date her husband right now. We don't know if she's into him at all, as a lover.

This sounds icky to me. Lots of poly people have a rule: don't date my bff, my mom, my sister, my boss, our kid's teacher, things like that. It's sometimes called a "messy list." It has a way of ruining formerly stable relationships.

Would your bff seriously interested be in dating your husband, if he were single? Then do as GG says: separate and leave them to it. They're both ready to throw you under the bus? Then let them have at it. You deserve better from both of them.

Your h is being lazy. Yes, dating is hard and yes, your bff is "convenient." But she's YOUR friend, and there's a good chance that him dating her, no matter if that is successful or not, could ruin YOUR relationship with her.

 

[Magdlyn]

This is a very nuanced case, and I guess i'm seeking perspective as much as advice (i don'tknow if there is any advice to be given).

So I don't myself identify as monogamous nor poly - but have been in a monogamous relationship with my husband for the past 7 years.
In the past couple of months he has decided he has to try being poly, he feels it's something he is and needs to try now before heregrets it.


I have even offered that we try and take our time to find someone together as what he thinks he wants is a 3 way relationship where the 3rd person potentially lives with us.

Just so you know, seeking another woman to share is a mistake newly poly couples often try, but it hardly ever works. The chance that you'll find a woman whom you both desire and are compatible with, who loves you and desires you both equally is almost non existent. (I am assuming you and she are both bi here. I could be wrong, and you're straight and just want a "sister wife.")

We call these kinds of couples "unicorn hunters," because this "woman to share" does not exist. What's in such a relationship for her? How many woman really want to share their man and their nest 50/50? It's best, in poly, for each member of a couple to get their own lover(s). Yes, your h fantasizes he'd love to have 2 sexy women in one house and go back and forth between bedrooms every night, or have hot hot hot 3 ways to his heart's content. That's the most common male fantasy. It's porn. It's not a reality.

If you decide to be poly (whether this marriage ends or not), you can date whom you want. You don't have to compromise on finding someone that another partner also desires. Usually, you won't both be desiring the exact same personal traits in a lover.

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

I know he is in a hurry because he doesn't want to wait until we have kids to try this, in case he decides he needs to leave me.I just feel caught between a rock and a hard place, i don't think there's anything i can do if i want us to stay together, but I'm just trying to gather how this makes sense to him. I don't know if I can be in a long term poly relationship or not, I feel like I haven't had time to grasp this huge life change that he's asking of me as he is essentially asking me to be poly too...and i was up for trying but he seems to impatient.

He says i'm stil the love of his life and this 'experiment' as he calls it, might fail and thinks he could live a happy monogamous life with me he just doesn't want to live with this regret of not trying.

I'm just stuck ....i guess my question is, does anyone have any perspective on this? Maybe an insight to the mind he hasn't understood or been able to express....i'm in hell living in this limbo of not knowing how my future looks

 

[lauren91]

neither me nor the other girl identifies as poly or bi. I am open to the poly thing but not the 3 way relationship. It's just a mess and i guess i wanted some kind of validation of if i'm being selfish in a poly person's eyes by not wanting this. I am open to the sex and even to an extent the relationship part but the idea ofa 3 way relationship is too idealistic to imagine. He imagines it that when one of us is not in the mood for sex the other one is ....there are 3 parents to love any children we have etc etc. But I guess I'm just selfish that I want my partners full attention when I'm at home. If he's out anyway then it makes no difference, but i want to be the one he's holding at night, the one who he comes to first when he gets home, the one who he gives the cookie dough pieces to from his cookie dough ice cream cos he knows how much i love them. I want all of that, not 50%

 

[lauren91]

Hello lauren91,

I am going to assume that you do not want to divorce your husband, no matter how bad things get. You love him to the moon and back, you've been with him for seven years, so why quit now, he has lots of good qualities, and is a perfect match for you in about a million ways, other than this one little thing. Only, it's not so little, is it?

So, you know his train is headed for a wreck, and you want to be there for him when that happens. It's your way of showing that you love him, you are making a sacrifice for him, and trying to go along with something that you don't feel good about. For him. I think this speaks very highly of you. But don't forget to take care of yourself too, okay?

I know you are going through a lot right now. Not only does your husband suddenly want to be "poly," but really, you have also lost your best friend. You do know you have lost her, right? She has betrayed you, by wanting to be monogamous with him. She wants to take him away from you. You will know that about her forever.

All I can suggest is that you hang in there, and hope that he'll eventually appreciate your loyalty, and not just take it for granted. I fear for you. I fear that you have much pain and unhappiness on the road ahead. I mean even if you did divorce him, that would be so, so painful. And even if you stay faithful to him, he may divorce you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

thank you, i know there's no advice expicitly here....but as mentioned i feel so alone and it feels so nice just to be heard and understood. This means a lot.

 

[GalaGirl]

neither me nor the other girl identifies as poly or bi. I am open to the poly thing but not the 3 way relationship. It's just a mess and i guess i wanted some kind of validation of if i'm being selfish in a poly person's eyes by not wanting this.

You are not being "selfish." You are being sensible. No healthy poly person would go "Yay! Let's do an FMF triad with everyone involved with each other. BTW, the women are not bi, and not really into doing this, and even the M doesn't think it will work out. Let's go!"

Is DH the one calling you "selfish" for not wanting to plunge ahead anyway?

I am open to the sex and even to an extent the relationship part but the idea ofa 3 way relationship is too idealistic to imagine.

So many people come here with stories of the spouse not wanting to deal in anything open/poly and here you are willing to consider. Just not like THIS. If I were him I'd thank the stars and appreciate you and your willingness to adapt and change.

If he doesn't, he's just... I dunno what! Stuck on this wonky model he dreamed up?

I am open to the sex and even to an extent the relationship part but the idea ofa 3 way relationship is too idealistic to imagine. He imagines it that when one of us is not in the mood for sex the other one is ....there are 3 parents to love any children we have etc etc.

He's being naive. There are times where NOBODY wants sex. Then what? He finds a third partner to "fill in?" He can't masturbate?

Even if I was in a triad with some parents? I don't have any interest in parenting MORE children. I'm trying to get to empty nest and retirement. I'd be kind to your kids if I met them, but I'd have zero interest in looking after them, babysitting, etc. I want to be done with that chapter of life.

Assuming people are automatically compatible in their parenting styles -- that's another naivete.

But I guess I'm just selfish that I want my partners full attention when I'm at home. If he's out anyway then it makes no difference, but i want to be the one he's holding at night, the one who he comes to first when he gets home, the one who he gives the cookie dough pieces to from his cookie dough ice cream cos he knows how much i love them. I want all of that, not 50%

There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. Nothing wrong with wanting to be the nesting partner or having your own space without living with metas. And nothing wrong with wanting monogamy if that's your ultimate preference. You can have your own preferences, and having them doesn't make you selfish.

If he wants something else now and doesn't share those wants? Then he may no longer be the right partner for you. Grown in different directions.

I don't know what's the matter with him. Just not thinking? Maybe too naive about poly and triads? Whatever it is, I can only imagine how awful it is for you watching this unfold.

I'd still be stunned. And I'd stick to "No, thank you! I'm not participating in that!" Maintain firm boundaries. Just because someone invites you to Wonky Town, it doesn't mean you have to go.

Galagirl

 

[lauren91]

Thank you, I don't have children yet which in the future I might look back on and be super grateful for (that we didnt have children then him leaving me). It's what I want though, and my future was painted in my head with images of him as the father.

I honestly think this is a mid life crisis, it feels like it escalted way too fast. We had talked before hypothetically about opening the relationship, but I had it in mind it would be more about sexual exploration rather than the loving side. I mean I get it, sort of. It just came too out of nowhere...like it went from, maybe if we did something like this one day it would be cool...let's keep talking about the idea to see if we are on the same page (but it was always with a narrative of 'i wonder' rather than 'i think we should do this') ...so it went from that to 'i have to do this now or else i'¨ll be unhappy for the rest of my life'.

I don't know if i will stay with him. Right now I feel like I will, but it's fresh and I don't know the limits of my patience as I don't think it has ever been tested in this way before.

I guess I'm trying to be there for him, as I know he is suffering too, and he has never pulled anything like this in the whole time we were together. In fact, I've generally been the 'harder to deal with' partner, changing my mind about things often, so while i know i don't literally owe it to him, i feel like i want to be there for him the way he has been for me through my changes. But yes, I can't comprimise on it if we end up wanting different things, so i guess we will have to see if that's the case or not.

 

[lauren91]

That's a lot of assumptions, Kevin! lol "Moon and back"? "Don't want to divorce"? "A perfect match in a million ways"?

I see no reason to assume all of that.


I don't see that either.

I don't see that the best friend has betrayed Lauren. She doesn't want to date a poly man. We don't know if she'd betray her best friend and date her husband right now. We don't know if she's into him at all, as a lover.

This sounds icky to me. Lots of poly people have a rule: don't date my bff, my mom, my sister, my boss, our kid's teacher, things like that. It's sometimes called a "messy list." It has a way of ruining formerly stable relationships.

Would your bff seriously interested be in dating your husband, if he were single? Then do as GG says: separate and leave them to it. They're both ready to throw you under the bus? Then let them have at it. You deserve better from both of them.

Your h is being lazy. Yes, dating is hard and yes, your bff is "convenient." But she's YOUR friend, and there's a good chance that him dating her, no matter if that is successful or not, could ruin YOUR relationship with her.

When I wrote this she had already said she wanted to.

I actually told my husband he should talk to her about it first, as I guess I assumed she would say no and the line could be drawn under this thing. I guess I wasn't ready for her to be up for it, and furthermore she didn't even take a dayto think about it. I don't own my husband so I guess it's not like she needed my permission, but the fact she just agreed stung like a bitch....like she's been waiting for this. (apparently she has been into him for ages, and after she agreed she used this as her justification for agreeing to it).

 

[GalaGirl]

I actually told my husband he should talk to her about it first, as I guess I assumed she would say no and the line could be drawn under this thing

I wonder why you didn't say "No, thanks" from the start rather than hoping friend would say "No" first and do it for you?

Are you not used to communicating directly? Taking responsibility for your own stuff?

like she's been waiting for this. (apparently she has been into him for ages, and after she agreed she used this as her justification for agreeing to it).

Can't be mad at her for that. She's crushing on him for ages and here comes opportunity. And she hears from him that you told him to go ask her. Maybe she assumed if you were up for it. Since she assumed you would have told him not to bother asking her if you weren't up for it.

Why would she have to justify her answer if she spoke her truth plain?

Are you mad at her because you didn't speak your truth plain?

Not trying to nitpick... Just saying that from this point on, esp with all this wonky, you might be best served speaking your truth plain and not kinda hoping to come at it from behind someone else, "hinting" at it, assuming things, or whatever other style of indirect communication. YKWIM? No need to make a mess bigger from poor communication.

Galagirl

 

[lauren91]

Because I had already said no, but he said he really needed it and would do it with or without me. So I guess I chose with - but thought rather than have all the hard conversations and tears before she even agreed, to see if she was up for it first. I didn't think it through honestly. I told him multiple times that if we had to do it couldn't it be with someone else but he was adament it would take too long. So I just said to see if she was even up for it before we carried it any further.

I'm not trying to paint any picture here by leaving out any details, it's just i could literally write a book if i wrote every detail and it's hard to imagine how people will piece everything together.

 

[GalaGirl]

Ah, thanks for clarification. You told him "No" and he decided to plunge ahead anyway and she's up for it. Even hearing that you don't want any part of polyshipping like that.

I don't think this can be pieced together. It's basically you deciding one of these:

1) You are done and out now rather than waiting to see.

2) You are not going to polyship like that. You step to the side, and taking a "wait and see" approach while he does whatever poly on his side of things.You do/do not date others on your side while this is unfolding.

• Time passes, he can't deal in this. He asks for you to take him back in a closed model and you do.
• Time passes and he can't deal in this. He asks for you to take him back in a closed model and you don't.
• Time passes. He can deal in this. You find you can too. So you stay his spouse.
• Time passes. He can deal in this. You find you can too. So you stay, but not as his spouse. You prefer not to be legally married.
• Time passes. He can deal in this. You find you cannot. You end it and stop being his spouse.

I can't think of any other options. You sound like for now you are at "wait and see" and then what happens next, happens next. Is that true?

Galagirl

 

[lauren91]

Yes I'm in the wait and see. I guess I knew there was no advice that could be really given, and I expected to hear people to tell me to leave him ...I'm aware I could be being blind to the truth but in that case it's more because people are telling me than because I think I am. I guess if it's the truth that i'm blind to it, i'll eventually see the truth but right now I think the fact I'm in it means I have the best view of all (although I know that's not the case and anyone in a cult would probably tell you the exact same thing). But yeah, so long as I feel he's just genuinely going through something himself that he needs help with rather than feeling that he's just taking advantage of me and using me, then I'll stay.
It's good to feel reassured that i'm not a bad person for having feelings of doubt or jealousy. I guess I just want to learn more to try and understand as best I can to try to see things as clearly as possible.

 

[icesong]

There's something about the "oh I suddenly want to be polyamorous but ONLY with this, specific, messy person" and lo and behold, that specific messy person already has a crush on him... how sure are you that this isn't an elaborate way to try to turn an affair into something else? I hate to say it, but it would explain the urgency if the relationship already existed.

 

[GalaGirl]

You don't sound blind to the truth to me. You sound like you are faced with a situation you don't love. You believe your spouse is having some kind of midlife crisis and not totally thinking straight. So you prefer to wait and see for now because you don't believe he's going at it from malice or from using you. Just.... wonky.

So you are trying to steer clear of the wonky while still giving him some space to sort himself out.

In your shoes, I don't think I could help him. The best I could do is to stand waaaay back and keep the mess from getting on me.

Going after the friend from "lazy" or "convenient" or "no need to bother with the dating stage to be able to try this" just sounds like taking advantage of her crush on him and not actually poly dating in good faith to me. Cuz if she doesn't want to poly at all, and you could be ok with poly but NOT with this friend in his network? Sooner or later he's going to have to break up with someone or risk one of you dumping him for not making a choice. But he seems to have some naive ideas about poly to begin with and some people just have to learn the hard way, I guess.

You are more generous/patient than I am in that regard.

Just be careful your soft feelings for him isn't leading to places that hurt YOU, ok? "Wait and see" is "wait and see." It doesn't mean "put up with BS."

You have to be able to say "I love you, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

I know he is suffering too....

Is he really SUFFERING???

I think you'd be hard pressed to find any person, poly or mono, who would be fine with her husband fucking her best friend. What the heck???