Husband got involved, now wants me to

M

mellyO

New member
I've been married for 9 years. We have 2 young children. We've always been monogamous. I brought up the possibility of being open a year ago, but he shot it down, stating he is "fiercely monogamous". I never gave it another thought, since it wasn't ok.

A few months ago he became privately emotionally involved with another woman. I know her. She has played with my children. They texted all the time, most of it building sexual energy and sending nearly naked photos. He told me about it because he didn't want it to go further without my blessing. I freaked out. He and she agreed to shut it down. They didn't.

A week few days ago I found out they were cuddling at work after hours. He has kissed her neck, hands and cheek. I am devastated. Completely wrecked. He wants to have a girlfriend and a wife. He is basically waiting for me to say "ok" so they can fuck. He's not waiting for an "ok" to be in a relationship, they already tell each other they love each other multiple times/day and have sexually flirty texts all the time.

He promises that he and I are a sure thing- he doesn't want to leave me, he is very much in love with me, that I am the "primary relationship". She is ok with his idea, but only because she wants him and if that's the only way then she'll roll with it. I have been doing all kids of soul searching, podcast listening, internet reading and being as open to this possibility as I can. I am so far still a "no".

I don't really know what I am asking here. I want to move forward and I feel very much stuck and bullied into agreeing (he won't consider a "no" and only wants to get me to "yes"). I don't think it's fair to me (because I don't want it) or her (she'd be a secondary, less important relationship and eventually want more from him).

I am so terrified of feeling in competition all the time. Of not being as fun (she has no kids, a tight body and is 12 years younger) and losing him.

Loving responses requested.
 
I am so sorry you deal in this. I don't really know what to tell you. :(

It sounds like he cheated on your current agreements. You are dealing with him having an affair.

This is not ethical polyamory to me. He doesn't get to Open the marriage without your consent AHEAD of time. Trying to use polyamory to absolve him of cheating behavior -- that does not seem right to me. And who knows what story he is telling her to keep her on the line?

If he is trying to bully you into accepting his cheating as the best way to enter into poly together -- with his cheating partner to boot? That's not kind or loving behavior -- to bully one's spouse. I don't know if this helps any since he doesn't sound like he's owning his poor behavior choices right now.

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

I am very sorry you deal in this. I would keep saying "no." You seem to know quite clearly that you do not want to be in a polyship with him and his cheating partner. So be clear about that "no" part. Get a check up and STD screening.

Then take some time to figure out what you want to say "yes" to. Do you want to stay? On what terms? What does it take to repair trust?

  • Couples counseling?
  • Clean labs?
  • Asking him if he is willing to end his cheating affair? Go no contact with her? (How would you know he follows through?)
  • Agreeing to enter into poly later on with new non-cheater people?
  • Would it be better for you to leave the marriage and ask for a divorce settlement so he is free to see whoever without you in the line of fire of any more cheating? (One can also cheat on poly agreements.)
  • A mix and match combo? Something else not listed?

I don't know if you might want individual counseling for extra support at this time to help you sort those things out... you could look into it. Figure out what is best for you.

Please take care of you in this difficult time. Again, I'm so sorry. :(

Galagirl
 
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So he's having an affair (emotional with some physical) and wants to go forward. If you say no he's just going to fuck her anyway since he "won't take no for an answer"? I think saying yes is going to send you into a downward spiral, he's been completely unethical in his behavior with her, what makes you think he will honor ANY agreement you make if you give into his bullying? he already lied to you by not shutting it down when he agreed to.

I would tell him no and if a relationship continues between them I would leave.
 
It can be really overwhelming, can't it. I am sorry for your pain.

mellyO said:
I've been married for 9 years. We have 2 young children. We've always been monogamous. I brought up the possibility of being open a year ago, but he shot it down, stating he is "fiercely monogamous". I never gave it another thought, since it wasn't ok.
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I'm curious as to why you brought it up a year ago?

It clearly planted a seed that's just taken some time to germinate.

He is basically waiting for me to say "ok" so they can fuck. He's not waiting for an "ok" to be in a relationship, they already tell each other they love each other multiple times/day and have sexually flirty texts all the time.
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Love is why many of us are polyamorous. Because somewhere along the line we realise that we really can love more than one other person romantically. The physical expression is the consummation of that love, but not the cause or conclusion.

He promises that he and I are a sure thing- he doesn't want to leave me, he is very much in love with me, that I am the "primary relationship".
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Why don't you believe him? (this isn't an accusation, this is a question intended to spark further self reflection).

She is ok with his idea, but only because she wants him and if that's the only way then she'll roll with it.
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Ahh, the compromises we make for love. If I were her, I'd rather have some time as secondary, than no time at all. Feelings of love aren't actually a choice, as much as we'd sometimes like to believe they are.

I have been doing all kids of soul searching, podcast listening, internet reading and being as open to this possibility as I can. I am so far still a "no".

I don't really know what I am asking here. I want to move forward and I feel very much stuck and bullied into agreeing (he won't consider a "no" and only wants to get me to "yes"). I don't think it's fair to me (because I don't want it) or her (she'd be a secondary, less important relationship and eventually want more from him).
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Yes or no, they will still feel they love. Sometimes it's better to let the NRE run its course than chop it off at the knees, because that can lead to years of depression, resentment, disconnection and all the things you are currently trying to avoid.

I am so terrified of feeling in competition all the time. Of not being as fun (she has no kids, a tight body and is 12 years younger) and losing him.
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Are these the biggest issues? Is this why you don't want want them to continue their relationship (because, sex or no, they're already in one).

The issue around fun is often addressed by ensuring that the "hinge" in the relationship plans "fun" things with both/all partners so that one (usually the existing life partner) doesn't end up with just the daily grind. There are often indications that this actually improves the quality of the relationship with the "primary" because the hinge has to work so much harder at the balance. More, not less, fun stuff is scheduled with the domestic partner.

Age and body shape are what they are.

As for this, if I was to give one piece of advice, it would be to connect with your husband. Move the conversation away from his girlfriend, and allow him to be your loving husband. Love him back the way you loved him the day you fell for him, the day you married him, the days you bore his children, the days you watch a beautiful sunset together or whatever activities connect you. In a poly relationship, your life and love with your spouse doesn't stop when there is someone else come into your lives, that's the point, it doesn't have to stop, this isn't serial monogamy/monoamory, you don't have to lose him. You just need to maintain your own connection.

Loving responses requested.
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I hope you see the above as such, because that's how it's intended.

Aroha nui
Evie
 
It sounds like he is living in some fantasy land where he expects to have things the way he wants, and can't imagine any other scenario.

So give him one. Talk about the practical reality of what divorce would mean. If he's insisting on maintaining an adulterous affair, he needs to see consequences. Make a list of major assets and debts, and start a conversation about dividing them up.

Maybe that will bring him around to reality.

I just can't understand this phenomenon (yours is not the first) where people think that because ethical non-monogamy exists, they can somehow reframe an unethical behavior and not only avoid the consequences of their behavior, but get to have all the things they want.

Don't let him pressure you into something that's wrong for you.
 
You are both autonomous beings who are free to choose what kind of relationship you want to be in, and whether or not you will each continue to honor previous agreements or rescind them. If you choose monogamy, stick to that and do not cave in to his whining and begging. If he chooses non-monogamy, then obviously you will not be happy and can end the marriage. If he chooses to stay with you, you need to make very clear to him what the consequences will be if he continues his cheating and/or takes it any further (divorce?), and what behaviors you will need for him to rebuild your trust in him. For example, one person I know required that her spouse gave her access to read all his texts and emails until he proved trustworthy again. You mentioned that this woman is someone you know as well. I would also make it clear to her that she is no longer welcome to be in contact with you and your family anymore.

So sorry your husband is caught up in this kind of bullshit, and treating you so disrespectfully. Just remember, polyamory depends on informed consent of each person, which is not the same as agreeing under duress to something you are truly uncomfortable with or against. You don't have to agree to anything you don't want to! Don't let yourself be bullied!
 
I found myself in a very similar situation, aside from a few elements that would just take the discussion in a whole different direction, so I won't go further there. But, my wife of 16 years had developed an intense emotionally intimate "relationship" with someone for 4 months before revealing herself to me to be poly.

Simply put, I told her that she is a grown woman and I cannot, nor will not stop her from perusing this relationship with him... BUT, if she is to do so, then she will have to do it without me because, as much as I can make every attempt to accept who she is (poly), I will never accept what she's done. So the choice became, she completely cuts off all contact with him, or our marriage is over. It took a couple of weeks for her to understand how dead serious I was, but she ultimately chose to our marriage over him. I'm not saying that your husband will make the same choice, but you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you stood up for what you wanted. Good luck.
 
I'm kind of torn.. You did have the conversation about opening your marriage beforehand. I just think that he is indeed having an affair and now wants to be able to have his cake and eat it too (so to say). I know this opinion might not be popular, but what if you were to delve into your feelings about this whole thing? Do you feel insecure about this because you feel she has something to offer him that you can't give him? If so, then I think HE is the one that needs to reassure you of his true intentions and give you the security you need. If you explain to him in terms of how you FEEL, without accusations or finger pointing, maybe he can understand that this is hurting you and give you the love and reassurance that you need. Maybe once he does this, you will be able to deal with the "V" relationship and feel ok. Just a thought. If there is just no way that you can feel ok with this, then he basically needs to shut down the extra relationship or deal with a divorce. I would just caution you to consider the fact that you were open to this idea at one time. Perhaps just some reassurance and some secure feelings on your part might make this possible. ((hugs)) to you in the meantime. I know you are hurting.
 
If I was the OP and I agreed to open up the relationship it would be way later after trust was reestablished but it would never be with the woman he was having an affair with.
 
Willow64 said:
I'm kind of torn.. You did have the conversation about opening your marriage beforehand.
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She brought up the possibility, that's not the same as having discussed it and mutually agreed that it was something they wanted to try.
 
Inyourendo said:
If I was the OP and I agreed to open up the relationship it would be way later after trust was reestablished but it would never be with the woman he was having an affair with.
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Yeah, because it always works telling people who they can and can't love :-/
 
Everyone makes mistakes. And it's a lot easier to justify your mistakes than it is to justify someone else's. For instance, since you brought up opening your marriage, he might have taken that as permission to start a relationship.

You can't know what he was thinking because you're not in his head, and because you're very hurt right now, you're likely to view anything he tells you in a bad light, read into his behaviors without asking about his thoughts, and not take the things he says at face value.

Even with that in mind, he's obviously done something way outside your comfort zone and trust zone. If he wants polyamory to work for you as a couple, he's going to have to pull way, way back and work on your relationship before starting a new one. That probably means giving up the one that he already has. I would give him one opportunity to rebuild the trust between you, and if that doesn't work, I'd end the relationship.

But everything nycindie said is true. You can't chose for him. You can only make it clear that the choice is there and what your conditions are for continuing your marriage. I'm sorry you're going through such a crappy time right now.
 
AutumnLeaves said:
Everyone makes mistakes. And it's a lot easier to justify your mistakes than it is to justify someone else's. For instance, since you brought up opening your marriage, he might have taken that as permission to start a relationship.

You can't know what he was thinking because you're not in his head, and because you're very hurt right now, you're likely to view anything he tells you in a bad light, read into his behaviors without asking about his thoughts, and not take the things he says at face value.

Even with that in mind, he's obviously done something way outside your comfort zone and trust zone. If he wants polyamory to work for you as a couple, he's going to have to pull way, way back and work on your relationship before starting a new one. That probably means giving up the one that he already has. I would give him one opportunity to rebuild the trust between you, and if that doesn't work, I'd end the relationship.

But everything nycindie said is true. You can't chose for him. You can only make it clear that the choice is there and what your conditions are for continuing your marriage. I'm sorry you're going through such a crappy time right now.
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He said no to opening the relationship. That means their relationship was not open, he later started an affair
 
We agree on that point, and what he did wasn't ethical. But for me, what he thought is just as important when trying to decide where to go from there. I think maybe I wasn't very clear on that.

If he said "I interpreted the conversation as permission to later start an open relationship," I could see someone making that mistake. Even if it actually was no such permission and even if he did it in shitty way. I'd give him one "benefit of the doubt" chance to rectify that mistake. And if his later actions didn't back up what he said about it being a mistake, then that would reach the end of my benefit of the doubt.

As opposed to a situation where there was no conversation and no opportunity for it to be misinterpreted, where I'd say DTMFA. It's the difference between really, really screwing up and deliberately acting contrary to the feelings of someone you supposedly care about.
 
So, mellyO,

Now that he's involved with someone, is your husband now okay with it if you go out and get involved with another guy? I'm just curious whether we are dealing with a single or double standard here. It certainly was double when he first got involved with that other woman.

You aren't obligated to say "Yes" to him. He can act like you said yes, but you can know that the reality is that you said "No." It is also up to you if you stay married to him. There's that chance he misinterpreted what you meant when you brought up the possibility of being open a year ago, but there's also the question of whether you should believe him if he says he misinterpreted. He hasn't been very honest lately.

This must be a terrifying time for you. :(
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
There are way to many unanswered questions here. Why was the OP ok with opening up the marriage before? I am not saying that excuses his behavior, though I wouldn't consider my partner kissing someone as cheating. He did tell her what was going on before it got to actual sex (assuming he isn't lying about that). It is possible he was against it, then found himself falling for someone and realized it might be possible.

It sounds like a big problem (again assuming that she was open to poly at one time) is that the other woman is 12 years younger.

I think that too often some people are quick to say leave him/her. Life and love just isn't that simple.
 
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