Husband is poly and Iam not

Welcome!

Sorry your going through that before being ready.
One way to handle it is to state ,here and to your husband, how you feel about it? what you think would be best for you?
Does it make you feel anxious? Jealous? Angry because it wasn't discussed or ok'd as a possiblity?
Or just not sure what you need to do.... But it's ok she's pregnant?
 
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Hey Lizzie,

Sorry you find yourself struggling. What you're describing sounds tough. How did this come about? Was it a planned or unplanned pregnancy? Is he showing signs of wanting to leave you to pursue monogamy with her? Does she support him having an ongoing relationship with you or is he being forced to choose? And how old are all of you and how long have each of you dated each other for?
 
Iam 39 yrs old my husband and I have been together for 5 yrs but we have only been married for almost 2 yrs. He told me when we were dating that he would be happy being married to be and having a GF. I got upset then and he didn't say anything about til until June when he found out that our GF was pregnant. I thought that our relationship with her was that she was me and his GF. But he stared to have feels for her and hid there relationship until june when she told us she was pregnant. He wanted me to be ok with this from the start... but Iam hurt now right bc he lies to me. He is not lieing to me now now that everything has come out into the open. But I told him that I need space to think bout everything and he has left the house but he is still see and talking to her. I want him to work on us but I don't think that understand where I am coming from.. I need some advice
 
Hi L1zz13l,

It sounds like you could use some advice. It seems to me that your husband is determined to continue in a relationship with girlfriend, the most you can do is express your opposition to this. You have to figure out whether you are willing to continue in a relationship with your husband -- and, with his/your girlfriend. Do you want to be around when she has a child? Something to think about.

Sorry you are caught in a difficult situation. I hope this forum can help you to figure things out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Right now I don't talk to the other girl.. because has acted like a child in the past. The child is not the problem I would like the child as if it was my own. I just not sure how to accept this. I love my husband but I feel like he is not trying to help me understand this n help us in our marriage because I feel tht we need to work on that
 
It sounds like your husband is not trying to help you understand what is going on right now. He is being a sloppy hinge. You need him to step up to the plate, and explain what is going on.

I hope you and he can work this out together.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Let me try to repeat back in my own words what I understand. You correct me if I get it wrong, ok?

PEOPLE


  • You, the wife.
  • DH, the husband
  • GF, who is now pregnant.

THE PAST

He told you when you were dating that he would be happy being married to be and having a GF. I got upset then.

You did not want to be in a "V" thing. But you got married anyway rather than break the engagement. Is that part of the upset?:confused:

And then when you were married, you guys were both involved with this GF person.

You thought that the relationship with her was that she was your GF and his GF. (As in share sex only? Not feelings?)

You no longer talk to GF because she was being childish and you broke up with her.

PRESENT PROBLEM

You don't mind there being a chid on the way and would welcome the child.

You are upset because...

  • Husband told you some lies.
    • The lie was that husband said he ended it with GF but really was still seeing this GF?
    • Or seeing GF was fine. But the lie was that husband was having protected sex with this GF but really wasn't using protection and now here is this unplanned pregnancy?
    • Or seeing the GF was fine, and having unprotected sex was fine. But the lie was that husband said he didn't have deep feelings for GF but secretly did develop feelings for her and kept you in the dark about that?
    • Some kind of combo of the above?

Could you be willing to clarify what the lies are?

You seem upset. In general, it sounds like husband damaged your trust by telling lies. So being upset is natural.

At this time, it sounds like you would like him to apologize for telling lies and then work on rebuilding trust with you. Is that it?

Galagirl
 
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I didn't know he was like this when I married him. And to be honest I think if he would have told me this before I might be handling the situation a lot better. The girl was our GF someone that we both played with together but he fell in love with her too and started a relationship with her behind my back.. and now that is all out in the open.. I am having a hard time with trust right with him. Even thought is telling me the truth now.. the damage is done and I don't know how to trust him again. Yes I want him to restore my faith in him..
 
Thank you for explaining.

Sounds like the agreement was to have play partners (sex share). And they both cheated on the agreement by having a relationship behind your back (sex share + love share) rather than ask to change the agreements first and then develop a relationship.

Now she's pregnant. So there's no more hiding anything.

If he expects you to just jump on board and be all like "one big happy family" that isn't very realistic. His lies of omission sounds like a pretty big betrayal.

I am having a hard time with trust right with him. Even thought is telling me the truth now.. the damage is done and I don't know how to trust him again

I don't know what to tell you. Recovering from a cheating affair is a personal thing. You are the only one who can answer if you want want to continue with him/them or not. Perhaps cheating affair recovery websites might help give you guidelines for how to rebuild trust?

But if he's not willing to do the work? Or you simply cannot trust him any more even if he did the work?

You may have to consider walking away so you can be free of all this pain. :(

I'm sorry you are dealing in this. :(

Galagirl
 
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Yea that is what he thought would happen that I would just be ok with everything now but Iam not. I mean maybe I could be on down the rd but now no
 
Him making unilateral decisions is not being considerate or nice. You should have a voice in the things that affect you. You have been denied a voice here. Him doing whatever and expecting you to just lump it? That's not nice.

And another child, even if you have nothing against the child, will affect you and your household.

His time, money, and energy will be going elsewhere. You might not be thrilled with that because you did not sign up for this when you signed up to be married. You signed up for one kind of deal, and you are not getting that. You are getting something else you did not ask for. It was foisted upon you.

And depending on how your vows were? He's broken those too. Not just broken the agreements about other sex play partners. You may have been up for sex play partners, but it doesn't sound like you were up for THIS.

Again, I'm sorry you deal in this. :(

I hope airing out here helps some. I hope you can do the soul searching you need to do and arrive at how you want to handle this.

What conditions have to be met so you become willing to risk trusting again.

Or knowing that it is ok to stop participating here if you don't want to risk it. It is possible to walk away with regrets, but walk away all the same so you cannot be dinged again.

Galagirl
 
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If you decide to stay with your husband, I URGE you to start separating your finances right now.

I would be furious if my husband got another woman pregnant without my knowledge, presenting ME with child support to worry about.

Of course it's not the child's fault, but it sure as hell isn't yours, either.
 
Thanks it helped hearing advice from poly people and getting their perspective on this l. I need to do a lot of thinking
 
Yea powerpuffgrl I have already thought bout that. Iam not supporting her or the child. That is his doing.
 
I'm so sorry your h did that bait and switch on you! You are now betrayed by him and his gf who is your former gf! You must be hurting. I offer your cyber hugs. Terrible spot to be in.

Of course, we who are experienced in open relationships and polyamory know that more often than not, romantic feelings and attachment follow good regular and date. But people that are new to it often feel it's possible to keep physical intimacy separate from emotional intimacy. I guess that's where things went wrong for you.

It sounds like you aren't even sure if this was an accidental pregnancy or planned. And now your h has moved in with her and is leaving you in the dark? That is really rude and disrespectful.

If there wasn't a baby on the way, things would be a bit different. But as it stands, leaving the baby out of it, your h cheated on you by starting an emotional affair without your consent or even your knowledge. That is cheating, pure and simple.

There are website for healing after affair. Our member Shaya has a list. Generally it involved the cheater stopping the affair and rebullding trust with complete transparency and agreements. Usually the affair partner who abetted the cheating has to be dumped.

But your h is going to be a father. That adds big complications to your ability or chances to rebuild with him. He is now responsible for another human life, an infant/child who will need him for the rest of his life. And he is in love with his gf and has no desire to split from her and just be co-parents.
 
Sorry it been a while since I have posted anything. My husband and I have taking some and I have been doing a lot of thing. I reading the post and I know that some asked bout our ages. Iam 39 my husband is 31 and the baby mamma as I her is 21 going on 12.. because she is a child.
I thought I was ok with this and I told my husband that I wanted him to come home. But it didn't happen..
To be honest I really could be ok with all of the this if things had happen different. And I had know bout him being poly before now. The whole situation with him and her and add the child into the mix had gotten my emotions everywhere. I would never deprive my husband of a child. I have 2 children from a previous marriage. And when I met him who knew I couldn't give him any children and he still loved me and married me and still wanted to be wirh.
He keeps says that he is not giving up on us. And Iam not either.
 
If you both want to work on things, perhaps it would be helpful for you both to do some reading on polyamory. The More Than Two website is a great resource, also books on Amazon (the ones that come to mind are quick read by Cunning Minx, and a book called Opening Up -- there's also a book called the Ethical Slut, but I think that might not be as relevant to what you're dealing with now).

Your husband needs to learn to treat both you and his new partner as important, and figure out how to meet both of your needs. You need to work on identifying and expressing the natural feelings you have, both about his day-to-day relationship with her and about the betrayal that got you to this point. Given his betrayal and this unexpected change in your life plan, you may be feeling like you've lost control over your life. Perhaps if the two of you make some specific agreements about how he's going to spend his time going forward, and he honors those agreements, you can get back a sense of control and start to trust him again.

You mentioned that his new girlfriend is "a child." What behaviors, specifically, make you think that of her? Perhaps you and your husband could have a discussion with her about them. You may be happier if you can develop a friendly relationship with her, so that you can be around her, your husband and the child once it is born.

It sounds like you are open-minded enough to potentially get comfortable with the idea of your husband having another significant relationship. The problem is the betrayal, so you and he will need to think about how you can rebuild trust. Perhaps if you both make an effort you can eventually get to a place where you're actually happy to have his new girlfriend and a child in your life.
 
I have read the book "more then two" serveal times.
I have asked him about making an agreement about when they see each other and he doesn't want to do that. As he put it he doesn't want to be on a sch with her.

As to regards to her acting like a child. She is a "little" and Pouts about anything.. and throw tantrum tantrum's like a child when she doesn't get her way. I know before I told my husband that I need space. She would text him all the time and if he didn't text her back she would throw a tantrum like a 2 yr old.
To be honest with I don't think right now that could get along with her. Because of how she is acting. And I know that if she was not pregnant with my husband child he probably would not be with her bc of how she acts. But bc there is a child involved now he can't leave her.
 
She sounds like a real pill, I can see why you want to stay away from her. I don't know how she expects to step into the role of motherhood when she acts like that.

I'm not sure what to advise at this point. I guess the main thing is to keep the channels of communication open between you and your husband.
 
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