Husband wants to watch…

J

jerseygirl41

New member
This is probably a bit of an odd question. But my husband, after hearing about things with the guy I have started seeing, said that he would love to watch me with the other guy. I can understand why he would want to. I didn’t know how to respond. I haven’t said anything to my other partner about this. Is this a common thing in polyamorous relationships?

I don’t believe it is, but I know you all will know much better than I do.
 
But my husband, after hearing about things with the guy I have started seeing, said that he would love to watch me with the other guy.
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That is not a request. That's a random announcement to me. Like me saying, "I'd love to eat a pie." Just because I announced this, you are not going to jump up to bake me a pie, right?

You don't have to do anything about random announcements.

I don’t believe it is, but you all will know better than I do.
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Voyeurism is NOT a requirement in polyamory. It's a thing of its own. Some people want polyamory only. Some people want voyeurism. Some people want both. Some people want neither.

Even if the whole neighborhood was doing it, your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. If he ever does make an actual request, you can tell him, "No, thanks. I won't be doing that," if it isn't your thing.

Additionally, a 3-person activity, where your husband watches you share sex with your partner, requires 3 people to say yes. So, if even 2 people vote "yes," and 1 person votes "no," it is just not happening with that group of people.
  • You and husband vote yes, partner votes no? Not happening.
  • You and partner vote yes, husband votes no? Not happening.
  • Husband and partner vote yes, you vote no? Not happening.
Besides, your relationship with your partner is between you and your partner. It's not to entertain your husband or get him off.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
That is not a request. That's a random announcement to me. Like me saying "I'd love to eat a pie."

Just because I announced this, you are not going to jump up to bake me a pie, right?

You don't have to do anything about random announcements.



Voyeurism is NOT a requirement in polyamory. It's a thing of its own. Some people want polyamory only. Some people want voyeuring. Some people want both. Some people want neither.

Even the whole neighborhood was doing it? Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. If he ever does make an actual request? You can tell your husband "No, thanks. Won't be doing that" if that isn't your thing.

Additionally a 3 people activity where you husband watches you share sex with your partner requires a 3 people yes. So even two people vote "yes" and one person votes "no" it is just not happening with that group of people.
  • You and husband vote yes, partner votes no? Not happening.
  • You and partner vote yes, husband votes no? Not happening.
  • Husband and partner vote yes, you vote no? Not happening.
Besides, your relationship with your partner is between you and your partner. It's not to entertain your husband or get him off.

Galagirl
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Thank you so much for this! I was shocked when he asked me about this, so your response pretty much aligns with mine.
 
In a similar vein, when I was newer to poly dating, and on dating sites a lot, I had a gf. We are an FF couple. (At least, I appear female, although I am non-binary or gender non-conforming.) Anyway, almost every other time a new man contacted me and we started chatting, he'd ask if he could also get with my gf, not even knowing who she was, what she looked like, or anything. They just always had to give it a shot. Usually I'd immediately stop talking to those men.

We aren't here to fulfill people's fantasies or to be a check mark on a bucket list.
 
Magdlyn said:
In a similar vein, when I was newer to poly dating, and on dating sites a lot, I had a gf. We are an FF couple. (At least, I appear female, although I am non-binary or gender non-conforming.) Anyway, almost every other time a new man contacted me and we started chatting, he'd ask if he could also get with my gf, not even knowing who she was, what she looked like, or anything. They just always had to give it a shot. Usually I'd immediately stop talking to those men.

We aren't here to fulfill people's fantasies or to be a check mark on a bucket list.
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That is exactly what went through my head initially, I almost felt like my husband was viewing me as an object more than a partner and person in that moment. Needless to say the past couple of days have been tenuous at best between us
 
Hi Michelle,

I don't think the majority of polyamorists watch each other have sex with others, but it is also not unheard-of. We also get a lot of cuckolds here, again not the majority but enough to notice. This doesn't mean you have to let your husband watch. Do it only if that's what you want to do.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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