Husband's terrible jealousy. Swinging? Polyamory?

H

Hrnycple

New member
Hi all,

My husband and I have been in the swinging lifestyle off and on for about 7 years. When we met we talked about our fantasies and discovered that he liked the idea of being a voyeur and I liked the idea of being watched. In all honesty, I thought it would just stay as a hot fantasy that we talked about. Slowly, my husband let me know he wanted me to sleep with another guy. It took me years to be comfortable with the idea. I wanted to be sure that we had a rock-solid marriage and that we were doing this for the right reasons.

We started off slow, some hits, some misses. Then I fell pregnant with our first child and we took a break.

After having my child, I had difficulty getting back into the "lifestyle." My husband was not happy with me. :( I felt different. It was so hard for me to get that confidence back, but I wanted to, and I knew it would make my husband happy if we got back into the lifestyle. So after 4 years we made a decision to revisit it.

Here is where the story turns. It turned out that my husband wanted to see me with a Black man. (We are white.) This took some time for me to be okay with. But I found out quickly that Black guys are very very very attracted to me. And so I agreed that if I was attracted to a guy, I would sleep with him. I have now been with quite a few Black guys. I've had fun.

The problem is, my husband has suddenly turned on me. He says he is not jealous or anything, but he is furious at me for being with two guys that he believes I had feelings for. It is affecting our marriage.

I am upset because I was okay with not swinging, and my fears of him turning against me have come true! He is upset because he thinks I am... I don't even know what... in love with these guys? Which I am not! I am completely committed to my husband. I love him and was only open to this lifestyle because of him! Admittedly, I did have friendships with those two guys. But never in a million years did I ever want more than hot sex with them.

One of them had problems keeping it up. My husband got mad about that. We bent over backwards for that guy. I even met him alone, because he said that was the only way he would be comfortable. We are both mad about that, but my husband blames me and solely me for this mess! I have since cut off all contact with those guys.

I have told my husband we can stop the swinging. I have told my husband that he can go sleep with another woman that he wants. I don't care! I just want our marriage to be okay.

He will not listen to me. He remains angry at me and is constantly bringing everything up, rehashing things, questioning my motives and my fidelity to him.

I am so frustrated. I cry all the time. I can't function.

I want our marriage to work, but I can't get through to my husband! He seems to think that I should be able to fuck just any guy, that I shouldn't have to be attracted to them. Also, he used to complain that I never really got into fucking other guys, so I changed and made a real effort, and now he thinks I am all obsessed and in love with these guys. WHICH I AM NOT!!!

I feel backed into a corner.

How do I convince my husband and fix all of this? Please someone help me!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Individual and couples counseling is about the only advice I have that doesn't involve just breaking up. He obviously has a lot of issues going on that he isn't dealing with in a healthy way, and I find it unlikely he's going to calm down and figure out what is actually bothering him without therapy.
 
I will assume good intentions. I agree with getting counseling.

Has your husband told you what he needs from you, behavior-wise, to help him through his jealousy? Is he wanting to work through his jealousy and let it go?

Could this help? Pages 5 and page 6.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

This may be hard to hear. I apologize in advance. But your spouse sounds very controlling. It seems he does not view you as a person, but as a sex-show-producing thing. Your "sex shows" are for his voyeuristic pleasure. Your wants and needs as a person are unimportant to him.

You say:

  • After having my child, I had difficulty getting back into the lifestyle. My husband was not happy with me, I felt different. (No consideration for the new mom's and the new baby's needs?)
  • He seems to think that I should be able to fuck just any guy, that I shouldn't have to be attracted to them. (You are a sex machine he can turn on and off for his enjoyment?)
  • He used to complain that I never really go into fucking the other guys (for his better viewing pleasure?) so I changed and made a real effort. Now he thinks I am all obsessed and in love with these guys. (Because that would put things OUT of his control?)
  • One of them had problems keeping it up, and my husband got mad about that.

Erectile dysfunction from "performance anxiety" is common enough in swinging. But Husband does not care. He gets "mad" because he's not getting his sex show? The other guy is also not a person to him, just is a thing too. I wonder if you meeting the one fellow alone is part of why Husband is having jealousy now, because it was outside of his control?

This is a huge red flag to me. Are there other controlling behaviors that he does to you? I hope not. This is bad enough. :(

Please get yourself to counseling. See if it helps. If this isn't moving to a healthier relationship, please leave. Remember you have a kid to protect and provide for. I am sorry you are experiencing this.
 
Last edited:
I think you have stated your side of this very well here. Invite Husband to read it and maybe he will get where you're coming from.

He has no right to be angry, it seems to me. If anything, you are the one who has every right to be pissed off as hell at him! You felt pressured into this. You did it to please him. And now he is slapping you in the face with it and punishing you. It sounds like something triggered his reaction.

Now you know that it is better to stay true to yourself and not compromise your integrity and what you really want, or don't want, just to appease someone.

Therapy/counseling sounds like a good step to take.
 
Thank you for your thoughts and advice. I would like to seek therapy or counseling. My husband is reluctant, as he does not think there are therapists out there that support "the lifestyle." Can someone please recommend a good counselor? We are in the PA area.

My husband is a really great guy. He is a good husband and father, and in other aspects of our life he is wonderful. We are just having problems with this side of our marriage. We all have our issues. Trust me, I have my share of issues. I know he is no exception. It is just difficult convincing him that I am on his side and want to work this out. Am I fighting a losing battle?

Thank you again for your help.
 
I am the husband referred to in the original post. I do believe that there are two sides to every story, which is why I posted my own account of the situation. Contrary to what everyone has posted in reply to the thread, I really am a thoughtful person that is interested in having a great relationship. I am interested in objective opinions. That is why I posted my side of the story, because I think there were some important details missing from the story.

These types of relationships require open and honest communication.

I appreciate your feedback.
 
One spouse makes a thread. The other makes a thread. Both threads tell pretty much the same thing. No real shocking reveal of important details have been omitted. But one spouse clearly isn't comfortable with the other having their own voice on the matter.

What would you call that?
 
One of the things that has come up for my husband and me is the difference between how women tend to experience sexuality and how men do. Men tend to see sex as more of an act than women do, and women tend to want (or even sometimes need) more of a connection person-to-person with their partner to have a fulfilling sexual experience. Of course, there are many exceptions on both sides, so I don't mean to put genders into strict boxes, but understanding the difference can help partners communicate.

Perhaps Hrnycple's desire to connect with her partner(s) is interpreted by MrBlueEyesXXX as being more meaningful and threatening than it really is. A man might not need this connection in a strictly sexual relationship, and so may find this need hard to understand.

MrBlueEyesXXX, think about it this way: you could have a wild sexual relationship with a woman without wanting to leave your wife for her, right? Similarly, your wife may well be able to enjoy an emotional or intellectual relationship with a man without being "in love" with him or wanting to leave you for him.

That said, lying about sexual hygiene practices is a REALLY. BIG. FREAKING. DEAL!

Suggesting individual and couple's counseling in this instance is like suggesting diet and exercise to a person who is trying to lose weight. It's not the sexiest solution, and no one likes to hear it, but it really really is going to be the best way to work things like this out. Really. Seriously.
 
Last edited:
I had no intention of turning this into a blame game. I love my husband. He opened my eyes and mind to so many things. I was raised a very conventional way. So this lifestyle was something new to me.

Yes, it took me time to get comfortable with it. But I wasn't not open to it. If i came across that way in my original post, i apologize. It's just another way of thinking. I think I have come a long way when it comes to being open to "the lifestyle," despite being raised in a mono-only household.

What I was hoping to get out of posting here was some sound advice.

I am looking for an "alternative-lifestyle" counselor, but it's slim pickings where we live.

I have no interest in leaving my husband or name-calling him. I want to know how he feels. I want to work through this with him, with as little heartache as possible. He is a great man who knows everything about me. We have a solid friendship and an active sex life (as well as the most amazing child in the world).

In my opinion, we need help communicating in this area of our marriage. It's difficult. I don't necessarily need validation for my feelings. I just want to focus on working this out, and doing what I can do to nourish our marriage.
 
I read and responded to your husband's thread, where even in his telling of events he comes off as controlling. So I don't think we're namecalling, I think we're looking at the behaviors that are presented as objectively as possible, with the limited information we have.

I'm having trouble reconciling what you just posted to what you originally posted, namely this part:

Hrnycple said:
He will not listen to me. He remains angry at me and is constantly bringing everything up, rehashing things, questioning my motives and my fidelity to him. I am so frustrated. I cry all the time. I can't function. I want our marriage to work! But I can't get through to my husband!!! He seems to think that I should be able to fuck just any guy, that I shouldn't have to be attracted to them! Also, he used to complain that I never really go into fucking the other guys, so I changed, and made a real effort, and now he thinks I am all obsessed and in love with these guys. WHICH I AM NOT!!! How do I convince him and fix all of this? I feel backed into a corner.

Please someone help me!!!
Click to expand...

It isn't uncommon for people to see things differently when they're upset than when they're calmer. The question is which one is the more accurate picture?

Do you over-dramatize when you're upset?
Or do you over-rationalize and justify things when you are calmer, and your true feelings come out when you're upset?

I'm not saying one is right or wrong. I'm saying that you need to be honest with yourself about what's going on and what you personally can change. You can't change him. You can't change his behaviors nor how he communicates. If he changes, great. But all you can do is make the best decisions possible for yourself, for your health, both mental and physical (and for your child, but that's another topic).
 
Hrnycple said:
I am looking for an "alternative lifestyle" counselor, but it's slim pickings where we live.
Click to expand...

Not to belabor the point, but I don't think you need to restrict yourself to "alternative lifestyle" counselors. When I sought counseling, I was actually looking for specifically a Christian counselor. I thought it would be almost impossible to find one that was open to my polyamorous love style choice. It was not hard at all. Just start with the first counselor or therapist you find near you, and ask them directly whether they have experience with swingers or alternative sexualities (whatever you feel best describes your situation). If they say no, ask if they can refer you to someone who does.
 
Thank you. This is very helpful.

I do think I get overly-emotional and overreact when upset. I think I regroup later and analyze a little more. But I do struggle with what I truly think and feel, because my focus is, and always has been, to be "good, liked, accepted, agreeable." The fact that we are at odds over this completely stresses me out and upsets me. I always want to be number one in my husband's eyes. Whether that is right or wrong, I don't know, but it is how I feel.

I reiterate that my main goal is to work this all out. I am committed to that and appreciate everyone's views and opinions.
 
I reiterate that my main goal is to work this all out. I am committed to that.
Click to expand...

That is your goal.
Is that his goal too?
If it is, in what way do you both want to try to work it out?
What are your proposed solutions?
What are his proposed solutions?

What were both of your reactions to reading this together?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

Did you and he find anything useful there?

What about the tactics list? Anything useful there?

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Tactics-Murphy-2010.pdf

You cannot solve behaviors and change them if you are not willing to talk about them and identify them. Maybe you've read both things and nothing rang a bell. That's great. You know what it is not, and that could be reassuring to both. That's halfway there. Now on to finding what it is.

I'm certainly not wishing you to be mistreated or abused. But if behaviors you guys choose to do to each other are less than trustworthy, feel controlling, seem "off" in some fashion, you gotta be willing to acknowledge that they could be seen as "off" by other people too, even if that is hard to bear. :(

I am not in this relationship, but if I were, some of this stuff would make me go "ACK!" and raise red flags. You also see it as "off," otherwise you would not have bothered to post here in the first place. Maybe it isn't a loud enough volume for you to raise the red flag -- but you are at least raising some color flag. This does not seem like a green "All is good to go here!" kind of flag. :( It could be the yellow "caution" flag-- slow down; be careful-- even if not the red flag for "full stop, immediately." That's all I'm saying.

I'm saying that you need to be honest with yourself about what's going on and what you personally can change. You can't change him. You can't change his behaviors nor how he communicates. IF he changes, great. But all you can do is make the best decisions possible for yourself, and your health.
Click to expand...

I have to agree with ThatGirlInGray. I don't know either of you. I'm not trying to be mean here. In BlueEye's post, he sounds a touch controlling too. So why is he not "secure" with your marriage?

Now "lying about no-barrier sex" on your end was not cool (if this is how it played out; you do not mention this in your own post). That kind of behavior does not cultivate an environment of trust and security for the marriage. Are there other things you do not mention (out of fear of his response, perhaps) that would lead to him being nervous and wanting to control you, because the trust is shaky? There is a feedback loop that can happen.

But what about before that? Why lie about it to begin with? Was it because he doesn't create an environment of trust and security for you? Because he keeps asking you to cut off communication with lovers you enjoy? If you find another one that you enjoy, he is going to do that again? Is this the expectation/agreement regarding other sex partners for you?

Could you both find a better way to create an environment of trust and security for each other, with a counselor's aid?

Are you both finding that he's more up for "swinging," while you are more up for "polyamory" in your open relationship model?

What model do you two want? Can you agree? What are the expectations of each other in either model? Of yourselves? Are these things reasonable, realistic and doable, or are you at an impasse, a crossroads?
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top