I am finally here!

BlueSky

BlueSky

New member
I am excited to join this community! My partner (38F) and I (45M) have been in a monogamous relationship for 22 years. After many years of just coasting along on societal expectations of what a successful marriage is, as well as a hefty amount of co-dependency, we have both for the first time been open and honest with each other.

After 22 years of "oneness" we are each finally have a loving relationship with ourselves, and are beginning to build an amazing honest and healthy relationship with each other. My partner opened up to me about wanting to be free to seek connections with others, including the possibility of sex, while still maintaining our relationship (we have built a family together and love each other deeply). This initially came as a shock to me and processing this has been one of the biggest challenges I have faced so far in my life (and so far one of the most rewarding on so many different levels).

It has been quite the journey, I know there is still a long way to go, and I would love to post some of my experiences to help others, as well as receive some input and thoughts on my own unique situations. I would also like to build connections within this community.

I just want to say hello and thank you!
 
Welcome! It's so amazing to be honest and free. You two met/started dating when you were 16, and I'm sure you've grown and changed so much. Maybe you feel extremely curious about who all else is out there and what you can gain from new relationships, how they can enrich your life experience here on our short stay on earth. I wish you well.

I met my ex h when I was 19, and we started "going steady" quite quickly. I knew in my heart I could not honestly promise to be his "one and only" as he soon started requesting, but I didn't have the courage to buck society's expectations until much later, in my late 40s/early 50s. We couldn't get on the same page when we tried to be poly, and so we split. (I moved on. and now have been with my poly partner for 12 years. It's never too late!)
 
I love your opening Blue Sky, I can feel the positivity! My partner and I have just opened our relationship also and I appreciate other's sharing of experiences and feedback on making the path a positive one, even when it's scary and when it hurts.

I would especially like to know how you moved from shock to a place of feeling good. How have you handled those scenarios of first dates and experiences with your partner? How did you get past the anxiety to acceptance? How did she help you do that?

Magdlyn said it on the money. It is amazing to be FREE and honest about wanting it. Very nice to meet you!
 
Emmjay said:
I love your opening Blue Sky, I can feel the positivity! My partner and I have just opened our relationship also and I appreciate other's sharing of experiences and feedback on making the path a positive one, even when it's scary and when it hurts.

I would especially like to know how you moved from shock to a place of feeling good. How have you handled those scenarios of first dates and experiences with your partner? How did you get past the anxiety to acceptance? How did she help you do that?

Magdlyn said it on the money. It is amazing to be FREE and honest about wanting it. Very nice to meet you!
Click to expand...
Hi Emmjay. For me it was realizing my co-dependencies with my partner. For 22 years my feeling of value for myself was tied directly to my partner. I did not have a good relationship with myself. I did not love myself, I felt without my partner I was worthless, nobody would ever love me the way she does, I would be miserable without her, and that caused me to be scared that she would leave me for somebody else.

I started therapy with an awesome man who specializes in poly and open relationships. I really did not understand what being poly meant, I did not understand how somebody could love more than one partner at once, I felt like if my partner wanted to be with another person (especially a man) that meant I was not good enough. I thought that I would be judged by those around me as a fool for staying married to my partner if she was romantically involved with somebody else. Insecurities and societal expectations all the way around. After beginning therapy, a lot of reading (The book More than 2 was especially helpful to me), reading a lot of online resources and forum posts, I began to identify my own insecurities, why I have those insecurities, and how to deal with them in a healthy way.

My biggest break through was working on my relationship with myself. Previously I had never consciously thought about this relationship with myself. I was always focused on work, paying bills, making sure my partner had the material things that she wanted, and to me that meant our marriage was a success. I came to realize that those things are a fraction of what life and relationships are really about. My motivations for providing in this way where to make me feel good about myself. Now I accept and love myself, I know I can be happy with just myself, I don't need to be in a relationship to feel good about or love myself. I take myself out on dates, and I am able to spend time by myself without feeling lonely or wondering what my partner is doing. We are now two confident individuals who love each other and are completely open and honest instead of two people staying together because we are scared we would be nothing without each other or what society would think if we were our genuine selves. on

Neither of us has been on a first date yet. I know this is going to be a challenge, but it is a challenge I am excited to take on and learn from. Our relationship with each other is far from perfect, we both have childhood traumas we are negotiating with therapy, but we have a really good foundation now and we communicate on an emotional level like we never have before. For the first time in 22 years I can say we really know who each other are. We have discussed boundaries in opening our relationship and happily we are both on the same page with all of them. We both know all relationships are fluid and unexpected emotions and situations are going to arise but we trust each other that we can deal with those in an ethical and loving way.

I have never thought about having a romantic relationship with anybody else other than my partner. In the beginning I assumed this would be a mono-poly relationship but as I have been on this journey this mindset is beginning to change.
 
Needless to say, I have directed my partner to this thread. I am just floored by the similarities in what you've said and what I've heard from him.

I thank you so very much for being so open to your experience. It's given me hope.
 
Welcome BlueSky. Lovely to read an intro that shows inner work has already been done and progress made. I'm really happy for you both in what you have accomplished so far!
 
Greetings BlueSky,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You have embarked on an amazing journey, you have learned so much and you will continue to learn, as well as help others on their journeys. You and your partner have both discovered yourselves, and in the process gotten closer to each other. It is hard to be completely transparent in a relationship, but you have done it, and are beginning to reap the rewards.

So glad you could join us!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Welcome. Detangling is a hard journey but so totally worth it - I’ve been with my Knight since we were 16 too and being as free to be both separate and together as we are now has been a long long journey, and 10000% worth it.
 
When you said that you had initially thought that you were going to be in a mono-polyam relationship that really resonated with me. I felt like I personally was too busy when my husband and I first opened up to even consider another relationship, so the reasoning may have been a little different than why you originally thought that.

Was there anything specific that started to change your mindset on the matter?

- Moon
 
under_moonlight said:
When you said that you had initially thought that you were going to be in a mono-polyam relationship that really resonated with me. I felt like I personally was too busy when my husband and I first opened up to even consider another relationship, so the reasoning may have been a little different than why you originally thought that.

Was there anything specific that started to change your mindset on the matter?

- Moon
Click to expand...
When we first started talking about opening our relationship I was in the (self-limiting) mental space of:

1) Thinking nobody else would want a relationship with me (low self esteem, not having my own identity).
2) Thinking in terms of scarcity as far as the number of women open to wanting a non-monogamous relationship.
3) Thinking about all the time and energy I needed to start/manage just one relationship, and that was when I was young with no career and no kids, how am I going to possibly make 2 or more relationships work?

So what changed with my mindset on these 3 points?:

1) I worked on accepting myself and have a much better image of myself in my own head. I don't want to sound arrogant but I feel like I am an awesome guy with a lot to offer.
2) The community involved with and accepting of open relationships may be small as a percentage of the entire population, but it is still very large in terms of the actual numbers of people. My partner will be looking to make connections within this community with both men and women, she is not the only one, there are many, and I am a guy so there should be no shortage of opportunity to make connections if I choose to put forth the effort.
3) The community seems to be more experienced and skillful at cultivating healthy relationships than the general public. From what I have seen so far everybody is supportive of each other and open and honest about what they are looking for right off the bat. It is not uncommon for me to see people being completely open about wanting everything from one-offs all the way to deep and longer term romantic connections. There are a lot of people with similar time constraints as myself wanting to connect without sacrificing a huge amount of time in other areas of their lives so why would I not be able to make that work?

Hope this helps.

Just for a little update on my specific relationship with my partner we have continued to have great conversations and explore each others feelings about where we are currently at in our own relationship, what we would both like from this relationship, as well as moving towards some first dates with other people in the not too distant future. From time to time I still experience some negative emotions but they are less frequent and I am able to work through those quite quickly. I am spending a lot more time thinking about the benefits of this freedom and all of the possibilities of positive experiences it can bring.

If anybody would like to reach out I would love to connect with others who may be starting their journey and are feeling similar emotions or from more experienced people who can give some advice. Send a private message I am happy to communicate via messaging, text or phone conversations.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top