Hello,
My situation is pretty complicated. I will do my best, because I am in desperately need of advice. You may need popcorn too.
BACKGROUND: After 15 years of monogamous marriage, I decided to give my husband a hall pass. This is why: He has cheated in two previous marriages. Since the beginning of our relationship, we talked openly about his internal struggle with feeling he was non-monogamous by nature. It has been a fantasy of his to have more than one woman (like sister wives) but he never acted on it while married with me.
ABOUT ME: 25 years ago or so, I had a relationship with a woman that lasted 6 months. That has been my only experience. It was good, so I guess I am bi-curious.
4 MONTHS AGO: The hall pass was given. (He did not honor my request to have it with someone from out of town.) He got involved with someone from the place he volunteers once a week. He said he was going to visit his brother out of town, when in reality, they have a 5 days’ vacation planned. When I found out, he reminded me he had a hall pass and I honored the fact that I did gave it. Later I agreed to meet his "friend" and found out she was a nice person. She explained to me that her husband and she had been involved in having threesomes before. She liked me a lot and expressed to my husband she wanted to be with me, too. Physically she is not my cup of tea at all, but wanting to give my husband the fantasy of a threesome, I accepted the experience. Although it was fun and overall good, I never really got any further than feeling I was taking one for the team.
Soon afterwards, they both confessed to me they had fallen in love since their vacation and wanted to extend their relationship to having a threesome now and then, and time for them two alone. I started to struggle accepting this. I started to feel pain and hurt about them both feeling this way and I started feeling bad about myself (self-esteem, self-worth). I communicate with both my feelings of hurt, knowing they were in love. I gave him the hall pass as an act of love; this evolved into having a friend with benefits with the threesome. Falling in love was never part of any agreement. I also noticed they both have been developing a stronger connection with daily phone calls that were sexual in nature (she likes to masturbate for him). I express my discontent with it and ask them both to please not see each other alone. I expressed that I may consider working on myself and my pain to accept their relationship, but I needed time to adjust too many feelings.
Her husband got terribly upset because he wanted to see my husband and her having sex. He has a voyeurism kink. Something my husband will never say yes to. Then we (my husband and I) found out she was recruiting for her and her husband's kink when she met my husband and flirted hard, offering him an escapade to cash his hall pass. In talking to my husband and her, we found out that with this experience they were both polyamorous, they can love more than one person at a time. I wish his "feeling in love" was just infatuation, I do not know. They are both married and neither wants to get divorce and get together.
My husband says that he loves me, and doesn't want to lose me, but his feelings and attraction for her are very strong. Then I found out they got together behind my back. They both swear it was not sexual, just missing each other’s company. The feeling of betrayal, backstabbing, lying, cheating, and excruciating pain created a big drama between the four of us for a while.
I do not know if I should divorce my husband, even though I love him with all my heart. I am thinking about divorce daily now and have started to feel resentment and at times hate for them both.
There is also this particularly important piece of information. My husband and she do not want me or her husband to have any other partners. They want to be the only ones with two partners. She told her husband that if he seeks another woman to have a secondary, she will divorce him. My husband said, he cannot even think about me having a relationship with any other man. That is a hard no! He recognizes the hypocrisy of his position, but he said can’t help it.
RECENTLY: we went to a bar and a guy started flirting with me from afar. My husband got so upset he wanted to go punch that guy for looking at me.
CURRENTLY: 5 weeks ago, my husband let go his relationship with this woman at my request (but I do not know for sure). There is no trust left in me. We agreed to try to mend our relationship. I agreed to consider in the future, when we are back to a better place, having another threesome but NEVER again with her. It has only been 5 weeks, and he asks if I would consider bringing her back into our lives, because that dynamic made him very happy, and he loved me more for being willing to do it. I said to him that every time he mentions that he still loving her is very painful and I feel deeply hurt by the notion HE loves another woman.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. You that are polyamorous please help me. HOW do I get over him loving another and accept it without so much pain? It is breaking me. I am on anti-anxiety and antidepressants now. I feel I have no self-love, and I should just divorce him, although I love him much. He has been my only love for 15 years.
My situation is pretty complicated. I will do my best, because I am in desperately need of advice. You may need popcorn too.
BACKGROUND: After 15 years of monogamous marriage, I decided to give my husband a hall pass. This is why: He has cheated in two previous marriages. Since the beginning of our relationship, we talked openly about his internal struggle with feeling he was non-monogamous by nature. It has been a fantasy of his to have more than one woman (like sister wives) but he never acted on it while married with me.
ABOUT ME: 25 years ago or so, I had a relationship with a woman that lasted 6 months. That has been my only experience. It was good, so I guess I am bi-curious.
4 MONTHS AGO: The hall pass was given. (He did not honor my request to have it with someone from out of town.) He got involved with someone from the place he volunteers once a week. He said he was going to visit his brother out of town, when in reality, they have a 5 days’ vacation planned. When I found out, he reminded me he had a hall pass and I honored the fact that I did gave it. Later I agreed to meet his "friend" and found out she was a nice person. She explained to me that her husband and she had been involved in having threesomes before. She liked me a lot and expressed to my husband she wanted to be with me, too. Physically she is not my cup of tea at all, but wanting to give my husband the fantasy of a threesome, I accepted the experience. Although it was fun and overall good, I never really got any further than feeling I was taking one for the team.
Soon afterwards, they both confessed to me they had fallen in love since their vacation and wanted to extend their relationship to having a threesome now and then, and time for them two alone. I started to struggle accepting this. I started to feel pain and hurt about them both feeling this way and I started feeling bad about myself (self-esteem, self-worth). I communicate with both my feelings of hurt, knowing they were in love. I gave him the hall pass as an act of love; this evolved into having a friend with benefits with the threesome. Falling in love was never part of any agreement. I also noticed they both have been developing a stronger connection with daily phone calls that were sexual in nature (she likes to masturbate for him). I express my discontent with it and ask them both to please not see each other alone. I expressed that I may consider working on myself and my pain to accept their relationship, but I needed time to adjust too many feelings.
Her husband got terribly upset because he wanted to see my husband and her having sex. He has a voyeurism kink. Something my husband will never say yes to. Then we (my husband and I) found out she was recruiting for her and her husband's kink when she met my husband and flirted hard, offering him an escapade to cash his hall pass. In talking to my husband and her, we found out that with this experience they were both polyamorous, they can love more than one person at a time. I wish his "feeling in love" was just infatuation, I do not know. They are both married and neither wants to get divorce and get together.
My husband says that he loves me, and doesn't want to lose me, but his feelings and attraction for her are very strong. Then I found out they got together behind my back. They both swear it was not sexual, just missing each other’s company. The feeling of betrayal, backstabbing, lying, cheating, and excruciating pain created a big drama between the four of us for a while.
I do not know if I should divorce my husband, even though I love him with all my heart. I am thinking about divorce daily now and have started to feel resentment and at times hate for them both.
There is also this particularly important piece of information. My husband and she do not want me or her husband to have any other partners. They want to be the only ones with two partners. She told her husband that if he seeks another woman to have a secondary, she will divorce him. My husband said, he cannot even think about me having a relationship with any other man. That is a hard no! He recognizes the hypocrisy of his position, but he said can’t help it.
RECENTLY: we went to a bar and a guy started flirting with me from afar. My husband got so upset he wanted to go punch that guy for looking at me.
CURRENTLY: 5 weeks ago, my husband let go his relationship with this woman at my request (but I do not know for sure). There is no trust left in me. We agreed to try to mend our relationship. I agreed to consider in the future, when we are back to a better place, having another threesome but NEVER again with her. It has only been 5 weeks, and he asks if I would consider bringing her back into our lives, because that dynamic made him very happy, and he loved me more for being willing to do it. I said to him that every time he mentions that he still loving her is very painful and I feel deeply hurt by the notion HE loves another woman.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. You that are polyamorous please help me. HOW do I get over him loving another and accept it without so much pain? It is breaking me. I am on anti-anxiety and antidepressants now. I feel I have no self-love, and I should just divorce him, although I love him much. He has been my only love for 15 years.
